It Begins Again
by daisydol
Summary: When Jackson finds out that Tara is coming back to Charming the lock he put on all of his memories fails. She's the only woman he's ever loved. Will seeing her again prove that she's the only one he ever will? Set pre season one and through the first season. Smut and language. Please R&R.
1. Chapter 1

**I just rewatched season one and I couldn't help but think about what happened just before the pilot, when Tara came back into town. Hope you enjoy. Can't wait for September! Please R&R.**

**I own nothing relating to SOA.**

"Why the fuck are you all standing around me? Back off!"

Piney watched, confused, as the five nervous faces coming in and out of focus over his head exchanged relieved glances.

"You passed out old man." Jax said calmly, the affection he held for his father's best friend plain in his voice.

"Yeah, we thought you were dead."

Piney glared at Juice and tried to sit up, thinking the better of it the minute he did as his vision darkened and his head felt like it was floating. It still didn't stop him from growling out "Keep hovering over me and you'll be the one who's dead" before he lay back down on the clubhouse floor and closed his eyes.

It seemed that no time had passed when he realized he was being lifted into the air and he opened his eyes again to see that four paramedics were putting him on a gurney. Fleetingly he knew that he must have passed out again, but that didn't stop him from being pissed at what was obviously an over reaction. He was pushing 70 and had emphysema, a dizzy spell here and there came with the territory.

Cursing the whole way, the ambulance left with five motorcycles following behind it and the whole group made their way to St. Thomas. Jax rode next to Clay up front, finding it hard not to chuckle a bit through his worry. The old bastard was tough and he knew he'd be okay, he was too ornery not to be. As long as he was alright and he came through just fine Jax actually owed him a silent debt of gratitude. Shit in his world had been going pretty sideways lately and a distraction, any distraction, was welcome.

He'd known that getting back together with Wendy was a bullshit move but she had filled a hole for a while and he would always have some loyalty to her for that. She'd been clean, been so proud of her progress, and he was actually starting to believe that maybe they could settle into some sort of companionable relationship after all.

Then she'd gotten knocked up. Jax knew it took two to tango but he'd blamed and punished her for the whole thing. Sometimes, especially lately while he lay alone in his room at night in the clubhouse, he would wonder if he hadn't been looking for an excuse to break ties with her for good. To push her away so that he didn't have to try to make the pieces fit in a puzzle that they weren't designed for. Regardless of his motivation, he had done just that. Pushed her away until what was fractured was irrevocably broken and now they communicated primarily through doctor's bills and Gemma. He felt bad about it, but it was the way it had to be. He didn't love her, he never really had, and she deserved better than that.

The ambulance pulled into St. Thomas and the guys followed the gurney in. Piney glared at everyone responsible for forcing this indignity on him.

"We'll be out here if you need us old man."

Piney lifted one meaty hand and threw up his middle finger in response to Tig just as the doors to triage closed behind the gurney and he was gone.

With a grin he sat and the rest of the guys followed suit. At this point they all felt much better about the old man's odds of full recovery, but they settled in for the long haul anyway. Piney was a Son, was first nine and important to each and every one of them. They weren't leaving him here alone.

"You get ahold of Opie yet?"

Jax shook his head at Clay and pulled his phone out of his pocket to double check that he hadn't missed a call while he was on his bike. The display was clear.

"I'll leave him another message, let him know we're here in case he checks his phone on a break."

Clay gave a dismissive half shrug and looked away, leaving Jax to walk outside to make his call. Opie had been out of Stockton for just a couple of months and Clay was still pissed that he hadn't come back to the brotherhood, had chosen instead to work at the lumber yard as a means of earning money. Donna had laid down the law, she would leave him if he didn't earn straight, and Opie wouldn't risk losing his family.

Walking back through the doors into the fresh air outside of the emergency entrance Jax let himself dwell on how conflicted he was with Opie's decision for only a moment as it always ended up making his chest ache. He wanted his best friend back at the table, wanted to be able to ride with him again as if nothing had happened. But Opie and Donna were high school sweethearts and there wasn't a person on this earth Opie loved more except for his children. He'd do anything for her. Jax understood how that felt, had known that kind of love once in his life too and that was where he always had to cut himself off from this line of thinking. He didn't allow himself to drudge up old memories. What was done was done and there was no changing it.

Punching in Opie's cell number he let the phone ring, and wasn't surprised when he got voicemail again. "Hey Ope, your old man's at St. Thomas. We don't know anything yet but it doesn't seem serious. I'll have my cell, call me when you get this."

Jax pulled the phone away from his ear and looked down at it to hit the end button, not noticing a man in uniform come up to stand beside him.

"Piney okay?"

Jax looked up at the voice, his expression remaining impassive when he saw that it belonged to Hale. Stuffing the phone in his pocket Jax decided now was as good a time as any to sneak a smoke before he went back inside. He took his time lighting it before he got around to answering his question. "He's fine. Passed out at the clubhouse. Nothing Charming PD needs to concern themselves with."

The arrogance in his tone brought a humorless smirk to Hale's face and the two men stood in silence next to each other, neither wanting to be the first to walk away. They'd known each other since they were kids and though now one of them wore a badge and the other a kutte, they were still the same two boys who'd thought the other was a huge prick from the moment they'd laid eyes on each other.

"Well, I would be remiss if I didn't make sure that the residents of my town were all healthy and happy, both old residents and new." Jax took a drag of his smoke and looked slowly at the other man. The tone of his voice had changed and Jax was suddenly on alert as Hale's expression went from humorless and annoyed to smug and self satisfied.

"For example, isn't it great that she's coming back?"

Jax's eyebrows knit together slightly and the smugness in the deputy chief's face grew. The outlaw had no idea what he was talking about, which Hale had suspected, but being able to actually be the one to drop the bomb was a pleasure he had only been able to hope that he would have. Rarely was he able to have one up on the SOA. This was a small victory, but a victory nonetheless and Hale wanted to relish it so he mercilessly turned the screws.

"Wow, you two had been so close. I just assumed you would have been on the top of her list to call when she decided to come back to town. I guess the list was shorter than I thought."

A realization hit Jax and he had to work to keep his face a blank slate while his heart began to pound. He didn't want to give Hale the satisfaction of seeing his surprise, but it seemed that Hale knew he'd blindsided him anyway and his face looked like a cat that'd gotten the cream.

"Yeah, seems as though she decided to take a surgical resident position in the pediatric department, move into her old man's house since he left it to her in the will and all."

Jax stared at Hale. He wanted to ask 100 questions and would allow his mouth to voice none of them. Throwing one last saccharine smile at the biker, Hale strode toward the parking lot to get into his jeep. "It will be nice to have Tara back again. I can't wait to see her tomorrow."

Jax's feet were rooted in place as he watched the cop go. Not until he heard the engine on the jeep turn over and watched him drive away did Jax realize that his smoke had burned down to the filter and he threw it impatiently on the ground. Every nerve in his body was on fire and he suddenly didn't know what to do. Running a hand over his face he began to stalk blindly toward his Dyna, throwing his leg over and starting it up before he even knew what he was doing. He had to ride, had to move, had to do something with the torrent of energy rolling through him like waves of electrical current.

He aimed his bike for the street and rode through Charming, waiting until he'd reached the highway to open her up and shoot like an arrow down the road.

Tara.

It was rarely that he allowed himself to say her name. He saw her face constantly in his head, heard her voice or her laugh. Those things he couldn't control, couldn't stop from shooting through him on some errant synapse on an almost daily basis. But he kept her name locked away, wouldn't let himself say it except for rarely over the last ten years since she'd left Charming. Left him.

Now it was like the box he'd locked it away in was ripped open and he couldn't stop his mind from saying it over and over again, like a prayer.

Tara, Tara, Tara….

He pulled the throttle back further, letting the wind upbraid his flesh. He was surprised at the strength of his reaction to the thought that Tara was coming back, that he would see her again. She was like a phantom, a ghost who lived in the memories that his heart refused to forget and suddenly he felt like she was coming back from the dead.

Unbidden, memories began flooding into his mind of her. He wondered if she would smell the same, wear her makeup the same. Would she still like irish whiskey and would she still love to look up at the stars at night, talking about the universe and their places in it?

That's what they'd been doing the first time he'd kissed her. The first night that he felt his heart starting to slip away. The memory came washing over him and this time he let himself drown in it as his bike raced toward the empty desert.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you so much for the reviews guys and thanks for taking the time to read. I want to tell this story in present day and flashback formats. Hope you like it. Feedback is alllllways welcome.**

**1993**

He had wanted to be around people, people other than the club, so he could get his mind off of it for 5 fucking seconds. What he hadn't realized was there was something worse than everyone wanting to talk about his old man dying.

No one wanting to.

The bonfire danced lively in the desert and Jax sat a little distance away from it, a barely touched beer in his hand. He'd made Donna and Opie come with him since he wasn't particularly friends with any of the jocks throwing this lame shit. He just couldn't be around the clubhouse anymore. Charters from Tacoma down to Tucson were all here and everyone was talking about his old man while his mom wasn't even trying to pretend she wasn't banging Clay Morrow. JT hadn't even been cold a week. The whole thing hurt so much Jax thought he would tear apart.

No one was saying much, just watching the fire from afar in the lawn chairs they'd all brought. Donna noticed that Jax hadn't touched much of the beer in his hand. No one would have held it against him if he'd wanted to get mind numbingly drunk, but he just nursed his drink and made the occasional wry comment about something someone did around them.

"Check out Hale. Sonofabitch looks like that dude from Mad Magazine."

Opie let out a snort and shook his head. "Never understood how that guy gets so much tail."

Jax gave a half shrug. "Guess girls like jock douche bags."

Donna smiled wryly at the guys. "Oh I don't know, you guys seem to do okay and you aren't jock douche bags...well, you aren't jocks at least."

Opie gave a genuine chuckle while Jax was able to muster an amused snort before he sipped his beer and the group fell into silence again.

Looking out over the crowd Donna's eyes landed on Tara Knowles. She seemed to be staring at Jax, but not in the way girls usually did, with that "I-want-you-to-put-my-legs-behind-your-ears" expression. She wasn't very far away so Donna could clearly see her expression was one of compassion and understanding. Tara was a cool girl and Donna had always liked her. She didn't hang with any particular crowd; she was actually kind of a loner. But she was quick with a funny comeback and easy to be around.

As if making up her mind about something, a look of resolve came over Tara's face and she began to walk slowly over to their group.

Jax looked up as she approached and met her steady gaze.

"Hey Teller."

Jax cocked a crooked grin, appreciating the way she greeted him, as if it was any other day. Everyone had been walking around on such egg shells and talking to him with such pity and false concern that he had wanted to come out of his skin.

"Hey Knowles. Enjoying the party?"

She rolled her eyes a little before smiling and it suddenly struck him how pretty she actually looked. He was a red blooded male, one who had been enjoying the favors of girls on an intimate level since 8th grade, so it wasn't like he'd never noticed that Tara was cute. But with the bonfire backlighting her as she stood there in a pair of jeans and a black shirt, rolling her eyes at a party of teenagers just like he had been doing all night, it suddenly struck him that she wasn't cute at all. She was fucking beautiful.

She was also staring at him expectantly, as if she was awaiting a reply and he realized that in his sudden moment of clarity she'd spoken and he hadn't even heard it.

"Sorry babe, I didn't hear you. What was that?"

Opie cocked a confused eyebrow at his friend, wondering how he could have missed what she'd said when she was standing about a foot away but he said nothing.

"I was wondering if I could talk to you alone a minute?"

Taken aback, Jax hesitated for just a moment before handing the beer to Opie and standing up to join her. They walked wordlessly away from the bonfire, the sounds of Stone Temple Pilots blaring from a boom box and loud, drunken voices growing fainter behind them as they made their way through the dirt and up a small rise. Tara turned to sit and Jax followed suit. They looked out over the party below in silence and it occurred to Jackson that he didn't feel even the slightest bit uncomfortable. He'd known Tara since elementary school and though she'd always been a little mischievous she'd also always been quiet. Right now, with a fire and music off in the distance and his mind a tangle of thoughts and feelings he had no idea how to understand, this was exactly what he wanted. Companionable silence.

A movement beside him caught his attention and he turned to look at Tara just as she produced a joint and a small hip flask from the back pocket of her jeans. He met her eyes in surprise and couldn't suppress a grin at the casual shrug she gave before she held the flask out to him. He took it, raised it up to her in silent cheers and took a long pull, the Jameson burning his throat and instantly warming his belly. It spread through his veins like molten gold and relaxed him in a way that the beer couldn't.

He took a second to recover from the sting of the whiskey and smiled over at her. "Your old man's?"

Tara smiled mysteriously at him and held up the unlit joint. "Toke?"

Jax rose up on one hip so he could dig his lighter out of his pocket, shielding it with his hand from the cool desert breeze. She placed the blunt between her lips and he flicked the lighter to life, watching her intently as she took a deep pull. Her hair, almost black in the absence of light, hung around her shoulders and softly brushed the swells of the breasts that were barely cresting the neckline of her shirt. That delicate skin looked even more fair against it than it probably was and he found himself wondering how soft it would feel, how warm.

The joint properly lit, Jax flipped the lighter closed again and took another pull from the whiskey, trying to shake off his line of thought. She was his friend; it wouldn't serve him very well to get too worked up over the merchandise if he didn't have any intention of buying. Tara let out her hit, the musty, sweet smoke dancing around them and passed it over to him. He felt the corner of his mouth kick up a little at the thought that she'd hit it like someone who knew what they were doing. Not a cough or a sputter had passed her lips and he knew that she wasn't just trying to impress him like most of the chicks he'd dealt with did. She'd done this before, which left him wondering what else he didn't know about the quiet girl, the honor student, he'd shared most of his childhood with.

He put the weed to his lips and inhaled, holding the smoke in his lungs for a moment and then letting it slowly leave through his nose before letting the rest go in a whoosh. The combo of the joint and the Jameson swam through his system and he reclined back until he was propped up on his elbows, feeling more at ease than he had in a very long time. He wasn't even 16 yet and he'd seen more shit, a lot of it in just the last couple weeks, than most people had to deal with in an entire lifetime. But right now, all that shit and all that pain was outside of him. He could feel it on the periphery, waiting to come back after this tiny reprieve was over but for now, he felt right.

Not looking at him Tara hugged her knees to her chest and gazed out at the party. The Cranberries "Zombie" was playing in the distance. "My mom died when I was nine."

Jax realized he'd been staring at the small piece of exposed flesh at her lower back and the faint slash of royal blue cloth that looked like it could be a thong. Her words snapped him back to the moment and he turned his mellowed gaze to the back of her head. He'd forgotten up until now that she'd lost her mother, remembered when Gemma had made the family go to the funeral and how Tara had looked up at the front row. He'd felt for her then, but in the way that a child who doesn't understand does. The memory took on a whole new meaning now that the depth of his own experience was there to inform it and he realized what she was saying to him.

She understood. One of his peers actually understood. A lump welled, unbidden, in his throat and he had to fight like hell all of a sudden to push it back down. He had felt so alone. Now, he didn't have to.

Lying back as he was, propped up on her elbows, she handed the joint back to him for another pass and took the flask, downing a swig of it like it was Kool Aid.

"Everyone either ignored me because they didn't know what to say or said really sappy, stupid shit like "everything happens for a reason".

Jax snickered softly, remembering LuAnn Delaney saying that shit to him just that morning.

Tara smiled knowingly over at him at his response and the force of it kicked him right in the gut. "Fucking dicks."

Jackson laughed out loud at that and dropped down onto the ground, the stars burning, fuzzy from the weed, over his head. Sometimes comfort came in the strangest forms.

Mimicking his position again Tara lay down beside him and they stared at the sky, falling again into that companionable silence that should have been awkward but was instead, just right. Jax thought he could sit with her forever and say nothing at all and that would be just fine with him.

A little tickle on his hand caught his attention and he realized that she was tentatively putting her hand in his. It was warm and slender, but there was a strength there that he hadn't realized he needed so badly and he closed his larger hand gently over it.

Two things happened simultaneously. The nerves in his hand started to tingle, to actually fucking tingle, at the contact from her skin until his whole body hummed with awareness of her. For a guy with more sexual experience than some men double his age, this was vaguely disconcerting, but not half as much as the second thing that was happening as a result of her touch. The lump of emotion welled back up in his throat so forcefully that he felt the corners of his eyes tickle and burn before the tears streamed out of them too quickly to squash them back down.

Tara heard his uneven intake of breath and turned to look at him, seeing his face crumble with grief before he dropped her hand and pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes. She turned on her side and rose up on an elbow, saying nothing as he wept silently. Slowly she reached out a hand and ran it comfortingly through his hair, letting her fingernails gently graze his scalp as he fought for composure. She knew how he felt, knew the pain he was in and on a fundamental level she knew Jax Teller. Understood him. He would want someone just to be there, to understand and let him work through his pain without hollow condolences or worthless attempts at perspective. She knew that because that is what she would want, just the strength of a friend at her side.

After a bit his breathing evened out and he dropped his hands, his impossibly blue eyes swimming with tears that were no longer falling. He hadn't cried in front of anyone, his mother, Opie, anyone. He had no idea why it had suddenly been Tara Knowles that tore his defenses down.

Darting a glance her way he couldn't find an ounce of censure in her gaze at his meltdown and he rolled his eyes with a watery smile. "Sorry. I feel like a real pussy right now."

Tara continued to run her hand through his hair and smiled sincerely at him. "Don't worry, it will be our secret that you're a pussy."

A real laugh burst out of him and he picked up her hand on impulse to kiss it. "Thanks."

Leaning over she placed the barest, softest of kisses to his forehead and looked down at him. "Anytime Jax. Remember that."

He smiled gratefully up at her, her face a breath away from his, and felt his hand come up to thread softly into her hair. It was as thick and soft as he'd thought it would be and he felt his smile fading as the levity of the previous moment was replaced with a slow, simmering desire. The light smile that had graced her lips fell as she sensed the change in him and she looked into the crystal blue of his eyes. Her gaze was so intense it seemed as if she was looking straight through him, making his heart start to pick up speed in anticipation.

Lowering his hand from her hair down to the side of her face he dropped his eyes to her lips, let his thumb run softly across them. He raised his other hand so he was framing her face and then, gazing back into the molten green of her eyes, he pulled her softly to him until he could brush her lips lightly with his own. The kiss started softly, his lips sweeping gently against hers. Her mouth was warm and soft and he wanted to take his time to taste her. To feel her.

Organically it shifted until she was opening her mouth in invitation and he was taking her up on her offer, allowing his tongue to explore. She tasted like whiskey and weed and something else that he couldn't describe but that was completely her. His vision swam and his eyes fluttered closed, lost in the sensation of her tongue sliding erotically against his own. The party raged on just down the hill but Jax may as well have been on another planet. His senses were filled with the heat of her mouth and the soft sounds of pleasure she was making as the kiss continued for what could have been twenty years for all he knew.

Finally she pulled away from him, looking down into his eyes as they fluttered open and seeing the want in them. He felt her shudder against him and he instinctively wrapped his arms around her. She'd awakened something inside him, something that in his current headspace he wasn't able to analyze, but something that made it feel right for her to be in his arms.

"You gonna be okay?"

Jax nodded and smiled up at her, the sincerity in his gaze warming her heart. His voice was soft when he looked into her eyes and said, "Thank you."

"That's what friends are for. I'm gonna head back to the party."

With a last, almost playful, kiss to the tip of his nose she stood, dusting her jeans off as she handed over the flask and what was left of the joint. "I'm here if you ever need me. Even if it's just to look at the stars and smoke some weed."

As she made her way back to the party Jax turned his eyes back to the sky. His stomach still felt tight from the feel of her mouth and he realized that nothing in the world sounded better than lying on the ground with a joint and Tara quietly at his side. Two weeks ago he'd nailed a tatted up drop out from Lodi who'd come to the clubhouse looking for action and turned the other cheek when that action came in the form of good looking jail bait. How the fuck could doing something so practically G rated make him feel this way?

At the moment he was too calm from the release of emotions he'd so desperately needed and the whiskey and the weed to think about it. Right now, all he knew was that he'd just had a taste of Tara Knowles and holy fuck, did he want more.


	3. Chapter 3

Jax pulled up in front of Opie's house, the burst of manic energy gone and replaced with a nagging anxiety. He'd left without a word, ridden blindly while memories battered his mind and heart. He knew the guys would be plenty annoyed with that move, but in the moment had hadn't given two shits.

When he ended up at the field, their field, he hadn't been surprised. He may not have planned on going there while his mind had churned with the wild emotions Tara's impending return had set loose but ending up there was natural. Between her d0ad's habit of sitting around the house drunk all night and Gemma's hawk-like watch over everything that went on in her vicinity, there were few places in the world that they could be truly alone. The grassy meadow just out of town with the beautiful shade trees and the soft, green grass was the perfect place where a couple of teenagers could hang out and look at the stars. Could look at each other.

After she'd left he had come here often. He'd sat under their tree, smoked cigarettes and drank. Sometimes he'd fallen asleep only to hear birds chirping cheerfully over his head the next morning and he'd smile, not realizing in that brief moment between dreaming and wakefulness that she'd done it. She'd left him here alone with no means to contact her, had actually taken her "fresh start". It tore him apart for the first year until he finally realized that he was going to have to put her in some kind of box in his heart, stop thinking about her and fantasizing that she was coming back, if he wanted to stay sane.

With few exceptions over the years, that's where she'd stayed. He'd hear her voice in his dreams, see _her_ face instead of the one on the chick he was actually banging and he'd fear that the box would tear open without his consent and he'd be back in the dark hell he'd lived in that first year. As time passed he didn't know if it had gotten easier or if he'd just gotten used to walking around with a broken heart, but things had gotten smoother. Now that she was actually coming back he had no idea what the fuck he was going to do. He couldn't live like he had, pouring his entire self into someone else. Living every moment so wrapped up in them that every thought, every move included them. He was a grown man now and he knew that wasn't entirely healthy, no matter how incredibly in love you were. But he had no idea how he was going to live in a town where Tara existed without him. He had no clue who she was anymore, who she'd become and if any of the girl he'd known was left. He was basically the same, except he was about to be a dad to a kid they hadn't made together. It was some real "It's a Wonderful Life" shit and he could only imagine how painful it was going to be to look in at a life that wasn't his anymore, except there were no angels around to make it right.

The ring of his cell phone jerked him out of his increasingly dark reverie and he put it up to his ear without looking at the id screen.

"Yeah."

"Where the fuck are you, I thought you were at St. Thomas with my dad?"

Jax winced and his heart sank when he heard Opie's voice. He'd forgotten all about Piney. Feeling like a grade A asshole he got up and dusted himself off.

"Something came up bro, I'm sorry."

"They're keeping him overnight. Observation."

"What do they think is wrong with him?" Jax started walking back to his bike.

"Some shit with his oxygen levels. They want to monitor him, do some tests for his heart too. They think it's probably nothing."

Jackson threw his leg over the bike. "You heading back to your house?"

"Yeah. Donna has the kids over for some pool party with a friend of hers."

Jackson had to keep himself from breathing an audible sigh of relief. "I'm heading your way man. Need to talk some shit through."

"See you soon."

With that the line disconnected and Jackson felt a tiny bit of relief creep in. Opie didn't ask what was up, didn't question what had prompted this visit. His friend said he was coming and he said okay. Jackson felt like Opie must be the most loyal motherfucker in the world.

Dusk had set over Charming by the time he arrived and Jax was pleased to see that Donna's car was still gone. He loved Donna like she was a member of his own family but right now shit was tenuous with her. They used to be Donna, Opie, Jax and Tara. Now Donna saw she and Opie as one entity and Jax was no longer just Jax but "The Club." He was the enemy to her on some level and he didn't have the time or the understanding to deal with that right now.

Walking up to the door he let himself in like he used to before Opie had gone to prison and walked through the house. He saw him outside in front of his grill, barbecue tongs in one hand and a beer in the other. It suddenly hit Jax that he was fucking starving.

"What's for dinner?"

"Cheapest steak they had." Opie kept his eyes on the meat he was grilling and gestured with the tongs. "Threw some beers in the cooler. They're cold."

Jackson walked over to the big, blue cooler and snagged a tall boy out from under the lid before he turned to take a seat on it. He'd have to remember to bring Opie a six-pack or two as thanks for sharing his beer. Since he wasn't earning with the club Jax knew money was tight, not that the stoic sonofabitch was saying much about it. Opie flipped the steak and Jax saw how thin and rubbery the cut was. He'd bring over some New York strips too.

He cracked the beer and relished the icy cold taste as it slid down his throat, helping to soothe him some. Even that wasn't enough to eradicate his tension completely though and Opie could pick up on it all the way across the patio.

He kept his eyes on the food as he addressed his best friend. "Got something on your mind?"

"Tara's coming back to Charming."

Opie turned slowly around, surprise in his eyes. "When?"

Jackson took another deep pull from his beer. This was gonna be one of those nights that he got good and hammered. "Tomorrow."

Opie's eyebrows shot up practically to his hairline. "Tomorrow?"

"That's what Hale said."

Opie crossed his arms over his huge, barrel chest. "How the fuck does Hale know?"

The irritation and hurt Jax felt spilled into his tone. "He says she called him."

An annoyed smile played at Opie's mouth. "I bet that self righteous prick loved that."

Jax knew Opie would get it, would be on the same page instantly. "He seemed pretty satisfied with himself to be able to tell me the news."

Opie looked at his friend for a minute, working it through in his head. "Why now?"

Jackson shook his head. "I don't know."

That question had dawned on him as well some time after he started coming back to earth from the orbit Hale's bombshell had blasted him into. Her dad had died a year ago and she hadn't shown up. His will stated that he wanted to be cremated with no service. The drunken bastard probably knew the turn out would be on the low side and figured he'd save everyone the trouble. Still, Jax had silently hoped she'd come to town, would need to tie up loose ends. But the bitch of modern technology allowed everything to be done through fax, phone or email nowadays and she hadn't showed. The house sat empty, waiting and he'd long since given up the tiny thought that she would come back and fill it. He figured that one day he'd drive by, see a "for sale" sign on it and that would be that.

He got up to retrieve another beer from what had become his seat and wandered into the kitchen as Opie took the shoe leather he was calling steak off of the grill. They grabbed plates and turned the volume up on the Giants game while they ate. Since Opie had been out of Stockton these nights were rare and Jax realized how much he'd fucking missed them.

In the five years that Opie had been inside Jackson had felt like his life was on a collision course with chaos. Every decision he made just threw him deeper and deeper into it. He'd gotten married, even though he knew that shit was a bad idea. The club had dealt with guns long before he'd prospected in but the turf war between them and the Mayans seemed to be flaring up more than he could ever remember it. There were days when he didn't sleep all night from the adrenaline that his day-to-day business caused and the only way he could come down was to bury his worries in liquor and pussy. There was always plenty of each.

A little more anxiety left Jax as they dumped the plates in the sink and headed back outside for more beer and some smokes. They sat quietly for a while, looking out into the back yard before Jax broke the silence.

"How's it goin' around here man? How is Donna adjusting?"

Opie shook his head, his eyes on the swing set he'd put together that afternoon. The kids had watched him with wary eyes as he'd put the last touches on it and then gone inside to play video games when he offered to push them. They didn't know him and it tore his heart out.

"She's freaked. Asks me all the time how work is, as if breaking my balls hauling lumber is a rewarding career opportunity. She's scared I'll leave and go back to the club."

Jax thought about the food they'd just eaten and wondered where else they were hurting, what other sacrifices they were making to try and get by without the club's help. "Would it be the worst thing if you did? She'd come around Ope."

Opie took a long pull off his beer and shook his head. "She'd leave. She means it when she says it, I know her. I survived on the inside by keeping to myself. I can't survive on the outside without her."

His best friend's words scratched at the rawness of his fresh wounds and Jax dropped it. Opie was his best friend and if he could support him in keeping the love of his life, Jax would bend over backward to do it. It wouldn't make sense for both of them to be an emotional train wreck for the rest of their lives.

For the second time, his mind was brought back to the present by the ringing of his cell phone. Looking at the screen, he saw it was Clay.

"What's up?"

"Church."

With that the line went dead. He looked at Opie but saw that in the quiet his friend had overheard and was nodding his head in understanding, knowing Jackson had to go.

Jax rose and laid a hand on Opie's shoulder. "Thanks for the steak. Thanks for being here."

Opie shrugged and that was that.

As Jax rode to the clubhouse he was grateful that things hadn't changed between he and Opie. No matter what kind of shit they'd seen and done, their friendship had been the same since day one. Having constants in life kept all the bad shit from breaking him sometimes.

Everyone was already at Teller Morrow when he arrived and they walked into the chapel to hear what Clay had to say. Sitting down to the left of the table's head he lit a cigarette just as Bobby closed the door and Clay leveled a look at him. "What the fuck happened to you?"

Jax blew out his smoke. "Some shit came up."

Clay cocked an eyebrow. "Anything we need to know about?"

Jax shook his head. "It's taken care of."

"Couldn't cha wai' ta pull ya meat until ahfta Piney-boy got tayken care ohf?"

Jax glared good-naturedly at Chibs. "Sorry bro, your mom only had a few minutes."

A chorus of laughter filled the room and Clay smirked, waiting until it died down to address the room.

"New Shipment of AK's are coming in tomorrow. Same drill as before, we take a three man crew and pick 'em up from the dock. Then we drive 'em down to Bluebird. Leroy's guys'll make the pick up, with the cash, in a couple days. Got one more shipment next week and then it quiets down for a bit so plan accordingly. Who's in for the run tomorrow?"

"I'll go."

Jax volunteered so fast that Clay raised his eyebrow but didn't question his stepson.

"Who else is going with the VP?"

Juice volunteered and Clay asked Tig to round out the group. With nothing more to discuss he hit the gavel and everyone shuffled out of the chapel and into the clubhouse, starting up some pool games and hitting the bar. Jax grabbed a bottle of Reposado and sat at a barstool.

"Everything okay with Wendy and the bun in her oven?"

Jax took a swing of the tequila and nodded as Clay slid into the barstool beside him and they watched the pool game unfurl in front of them. Bobby tried to make a shot behind his back and hit the cue ball into the corner pocket, making Tig call scratch as he cursed under his breath.

"What's eating you son?"

Jax debated telling Clay. Though he called him son, Clay wasn't his old man and at times like this it killed Jax that his old man was gone. He'd idolized him and Clay was the guy who'd stepped in just a little too soon. Still, Clay had always treated him with respect and they'd forged a good relationship.

"Just working some shit through." Suddenly exhausted at the idea that he would have to rehash it all over again he put the bottle on the bar and stood. "I'm gonna hit it early. See you tomorrow."

Clay looked at him in confusion but didn't press. He figured Jackson would tell him what was going on in his own time. Jax was like JT, he lived in his head far more than Clay did and he'd gotten used to it. Though that didn't mean that it didn't annoy the shit out of him, just like when JT used to do it.

The bed looked soft and inviting as Jax walked into his room at the clubhouse and locked the door behind him. Stripping down to his boxers he sat on the edge of the bed and put his head in his hands. Part of him didn't know if he'd be able to sleep, knowing what tomorrow may bring, and the other part of him was so exhausted he wanted to sleep for a week.

Laying back on the bed, he stared up at the ceiling and thought about the first date he'd had with Tara, if one could even call it that. He couldn't help but allow the soft smile to touch his lips as he remembered it for the first time in years. At the end of that day he had known she was something far more special than he'd ever imagined. He'd look back and realize that it was that day that he'd fallen in love, though it had taken him months to admit it to himself.


	4. Chapter 4

**1993**

Shop class was in full swing, which meant Jax was roaming the halls with an unlit cigarette hanging out of his mouth. With everything that had happened with his dad and the club he just couldn't seem to muster the strength to even fake it anymore. Gemma gave him some shit occasionally when the school would call to update her on any number of the transgressions he was committing more brazenly all the time, but she was so wrapped up in her own shit that her normal hawk-like watch over him was a bit lax lately.

She was getting married. His dad had been in the ground for a little less than a month and she was marrying Clay Morrow.

Figuring,_ fuck it_, Jax leaned up against a row of lockers and lit his smoke. Ever since he could remember he thought he and Thomas would flank their dad at the head of the table, reigning over the most badass MC in the world. Founding fucking chapter. Then Thomas had died. Jax took a deep drag off the cigarette, felt it filling his lungs and immediately soothing his mind. That shit had hurt. Thomas had been his little dude. When he got sick and died three years ago, it killed something in his parents. He'd seen it, had known that there was something missing from inside of them that they weren't ever getting back. He knew it because it had died in him too.

He'd gone down to the clubhouse and gotten drunk for the first time after the funeral, Gemma and JT both so grief stricken that they didn't even notice. Piney had taken him home to his house and he stayed with him and Opie for a solid week.

Now his dad was dead too and he still missed him so much that there were days that he felt like it was crushing him. Clay had been VP and no on had given it a second thought to vote him in as President. Jax hadn't prospected in yet, hadn't had the privilege to sit at the table during church, but he'd seen his dad sit in that seat since he was born and now he would never know what it was like to sit there with him. Clay would be his president and now he was going to be his step dad in less than a month.

He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger, the giant headache he had been trying to hold at bay threatening to overtake him. God, he needed to get the fuck out of here. He knew he was treading thin ice, knew Mr. Sampson watched the school for ditchers like a hawk from his little office with the window that faced the entrance, but he couldn't bear the idea of sitting through another half of a day at this hell hole. Not with all of this tearing up his insides.

Dropping his hand he opened his eyes and noticed someone was standing next to him. Turning his head quickly in their direction he realized it was Tara Knowles. A slow smile spread across his face.

"You like a ninja or something? How long have you been standing there?"

Tara smiled placidly back at him. "A minute or two. I wasn't that quiet, you just weren't paying attention."

Jax nodded, giving her a look that said fair enough and took the last drag off of his smoke before he dropped it and stubbed the cherry out with his pristine, white tennis shoe. Putting his hands in his pockets he leaned his head back against the lockers as he faced her. "Where are you headed?

She shrugged and mirrored his posture. "Vending machine. You?"

Jax couldn't keep the smile off of his face. Something about her just made him feel better. He'd have tried to figure that out if he wasn't so busy enjoying it. "I think I might bail actually."

"Mr. Sampson said if he catches you ditching one more time you're out."

Something warm and edgy spread through his chest. "Now, how would you know what people are saying about me?"

Tara rolled her eyes. "I have a zero hour study hall with him Teller, don't flatter yourself. Teachers talk to each other."

Jax remained unconvinced by her explanation and he knew he was grinning like an idiot. He liked Tara, always had, but since that night at the bonfire he hadn't been able to stop thinking about her. He'd see her in the halls, catch her eye in history class, and that would be enough to have her spinning in his mind for the rest of the day. He'd already had his fair share of women but something about how she made him feel was totally new and he liked it, even though it was completely unnerving at the same time.

But hearing that she might be thinking about him too, no matter what she said, made him feel something crazy inside. Maybe she felt what he was feeling, maybe when he would see her across the courtyard at school and she was looking his way it wasn't just coincidence.

Deciding to test it out, he pushed away from the lockers and turned to face her head on. He put his hand next to where her head rested and leaned in so he was inches away from her face. His heart rate picked up a little when he saw her breath catch. When he spoke his voice was low and intentionally smoky. "Oh I think it's more than that. You keeping tabs on me Knowles?"

Tara's big green eyes stared into his baby blues for a beat before the look on her face melted from thinly veiled surprise to a wicked smile. "I think you should start walking Jackson Teller."

They stayed where they were, him leaning over her while she kept his eyes locked firmly in hers as they waited for someone to bend. His grin turned cocky, her eyebrow shot up and they continued to stare, playing chicken until the other admitted defeat. Keeping his self assured expression firmly in place he pushed slowly away from her and worked his ass off to hide the uncertainty he started to feel as he ceded the battle. "See you around."

He slowly started heading back to shop, making sure his swagger didn't waver. He wasn't about to turn around to look, so he would just have to tell himself that she was watching him go. He knew he'd seen her breath hitch, could see in her eyes that his closeness had affected her but she hadn't taken the bait. Most chicks would have closed the gap, rubbed up against him, shown him they were interested. All his little test had done was confirm that she wasn't like any other chick he'd dealt with and in the area of women he did NOT like feeling like a fish out of water.

Just as he reached the end of the hall the fire alarm for the school suddenly tore through the noise in his head and he stopped dead in his tracks. Almost immediately students started walking out the doors of the classrooms and heading calmly toward the entrance to the school to stand in the field by the parking lot, just like they did during every boring fucking fire drill they been forced to endure since the beginning of kindergarten.

Turning nonchalantly around Jax followed the throngs. Students chattered, a few moaned and groaned about how ridiculous fire drills were. As they walked he overheard a couple teachers conferring, from the conversation it seemed like they hadn't had this drill on their schedule.

He made it out of the entrance and just as he got to the field he felt a small hand take his. Looking over he felt his heart flip flop when he saw it was Tara. She looked pointedly up at him and then started walking faster until he realized she was leading him by the hand. He followed her without a word and shoved his surprise down when she walked through the crowd to the far fringes of the students nearest the edge of the field where a thick grouping of trees stood and kept right on going. Giving one final glance over his shoulder he saw that no one had noticed them and he'd just effectively ditched school with Tara Knowles.

Once they were out of range of the school she slowed down, but didn't drop his hand as they walked through a modest, well kept neighborhood next to the campus. A slow sizzle made its way through his belly at how her hand felt in his and he realized that he had never in his life walked hand in hand with a girl before. The most he really ever touched their hands was to put them where he wanted them on him. He almost chuckled again at how the dumbest fucking things with Tara felt exponentially more intense than they should.

She looked up at him, saw that he was grinning at her and smiled gently back at him. "So you got out without Sampson seeing you. Where to?"

A light bulb flared to life so brightly in his head that it was nearly blinding and his mouth fell open in shock. "Did you pull the fire alarm?"

She tipped her head back and laughed loudly, but didn't answer his question. His eyes glimmered with astonishment. "You did. Holy shit Tara, you pulled a fucking _fire alarm_ so you could get out of class." The surprise in his expression gave way to mild admiration. "You could get in some pretty deep shit for that."

Instead of looking concerned she merely rolled her eyes. "Who would suspect me? I get good grades and I do what I'm told, you'd be surprised how invisible that makes you." She looked back up at him, her green eyes positively dancing. "And I didn't pull the fire alarm so I could get out of class."

"Oh yeah? Why did you then?"

Her expression suddenly filled with heat and she leveled him with a look that positively smoldered. "I pulled it so you could."

He wanted to kick his own ass for it, but he couldn't help it when his heart literally started hammering in his chest. The look in her eyes was exactly what he had been trying to get from her against the lockers and it made his feet suddenly unable to keep their forward progression. She stopped too and they stared at each other a breath before he closed the distance between them, took her face in his hands just as he had at the bonfire, and kissed her with all of the pent up need she'd stirred in him ever since that night.

Without the dulling influences of weed, alcohol and fresh grief he felt every nerve in his body light on fire. Her lips were so warm and eager against his. Lost in the kiss, he didn't notice the she was moving her hands until he felt them fist in his long hair and he had to keep from moaning. Mercilessly she pushed her body against his like she was trying to get as close to him as humanly possible and his knees actually felt like they could give a little for a second. Without hesitation she slid her tongue in his mouth and it went to war with his. Her body felt incredible, soft and curving in all the right places against him. He lowered one hand from her face and ran it down the length of her until it rested on her hip and he pulled her even closer, not caring that she could probably feel how hard she was making him just with her mouth. She gave a seemingly unconscious undulation of her hips from their position smashed up against his and this time he couldn't bite the moan back. How the fuck was this possible? He couldn't get enough. She was the quiet smart girl that he'd known since she was five and yet she made him feel totally out of control.

Breaking the kiss so he didn't push her into the yard they were standing in front of to take her right there he leaned his fore head against hers and looked into her eyes for a minute, calming himself down.

She looked as rattled as he did and she never broke her gaze. It was a look that combined want with a little innocence and uncertainty and it floored him. He took in a shaky breath to steady himself so he could speak. "Let's go to my house."

Tara's expression grew suspicious and he realized how it had sounded. Pulling away he shook his head. "I don't mean it like that, I mean my mom is at the garage and we can hang out there without anyone seeing us in town and giving us shit for not being in school." He held his hand out to her and she took it, the suspicion in her eyes still there a bit but not enough to refuse to go along.

He wanted to reassure her, the unabashed innocence in her expression after their kiss burned indelibly into his mind. He wanted to delve into that a bit, find out just how innocent little miss fire alarm actually was and he couldn't do that if he suddenly made her feel like he was pushing her too fast. "Honestly, most of the times I ditch I actually just head back to my house. I know it's not very exciting but it's better than being at school and in a town like Charming there aren't a ton of places I can go that won't get me ratted out to my mom."

Tara lowered her eyebrows a bit. "I always just assumed you'd go to the Sons clubhouse."

He didn't want to talk about why he didn't want to be there, why he wanted a little space from the club and Clay and Gemma right now. Instead he let the insinuation in her words sink in for a second and smirked. "So, you wonder where I am when I'm not around? I knew it, you can't stop thinking about me."

She made a sound of disgust but the smile stayed on her face. "You are far too infatuated with yourself. It isn't healthy."

They poked at each other all the way to Jax's house, teasing and joking like the old friends that they were. He didn't know how she could make him feel the way she could one minute and then make him feel completely comfortable and at ease the next. The girls he'd spent any time with up to this point hadn't really been about hanging out with him, at least not for longer than was necessary to get into his pants. They'd try to impress him, or act like they liked everything he did. He knew that they weren't being themselves, but he also knew that was part of the dance and he didn't give it even a second of thought. As long as he was getting laid he really didn't give a shit if a chick pretended a song he liked was her favorite, so long as her mouth was on his dick by the end of the night.

Tara, however, didn't seem to care about making him feel like king of the world and for some reason that accomplished it better than anything else could. It was the way that she kept admitting to thinking about him without realizing she had, the way that she gave him shit, but kept her hand in his.

She'd pulled a fire alarm for him.

He felt the corner of his mouth kick up at that as he led her to the backyard and went to get them some sodas from the fridge. When he came back out she was sitting in their porch swing, looking quietly out at the well-manicured yard with Gemma's rosebushes and the huge shade tree. He sat down beside her and handed her a coke.

"You have a pretty house."

He took a swig of his own drink and thought about whether or not he should put his arm around her. He decided against it, he didn't want to seem like he was trying to act all smooth.

"Thanks. My mom is all about decorating, my dad and I had no say in any of it."

She smiled at him and nodded in understanding. "My mom was the same way. My house looks exactly the same as it did when she decorated it."

Jax nodded in understanding. It wasn't a total secret that her dad liked to drink and it didn't surprise him to hear that he hadn't gotten a bug up his ass in the years since Tara's mom had died to redecorate their house.

They swung gently in companionable silence for a few minutes before Tara spoke again, her voice soft. "I heard your mom is getting married."

Good god if that wasn't the last thing that he wanted to talk about.

"You play video games?"

Tara looked up at him, realizing right away that he was changing the subject and letting him. "You absolutely can't take me in Mario Cart. I promise you."

A glint of excitement came into his eyes and he led her back into the house so he could prove her wrong.

The glint stayed for the rest of the afternoon even as she made good on her proclamation and kicked his ass every which way. He wondered at one point what Opie would think, seeing his best friend playing video games with a member of the opposite sex and no one was taking their clothes off. He'd probably give him all kinds of shit, but Jax didn't care. Right now, this was exactly what he needed. He had no idea how she did it, but twice now Tara had been the one to give him exactly what he needed when he needed it.

He glanced up at the clock and was stunned to see that it was almost time for Gemma to get home. He could only imagine how his mother would treat a girl in the house, seeing as how Jackson had never had one exalt themselves above crow eater status long enough to come home with him before. Chicks were for the clubhouse. The minute she saw Tara the interrogation would begin and he didn't want to deal with that.

Looking over reluctantly at Tara he cocked his head toward the clock. "About time for Gemma to get home."

Tara's eyes widened. "Holy shit I had no idea it was so late. I'll get out of here, my dad will be home soon too. Gotta get some dinner together."

He didn't want their day to be over, so he feigned chivalry. "I'll walk you."

She smiled and they left the house, heading down the street for the mile long trek. It was only a couple days before Christmas break and the early evening air was crisp. Tara wrapped her arms around herself and Jax realized that she must have left her jacket in her locker at school. It hadn't been too bad that afternoon, but it was definitely cold now that the sun was getting so low in the sky.

Pulling his black, hooded sweatshirt up over his head he handed it over to her. "Put this on, you look like you're freezing."

She didn't argue but instead slipped it over her head and put her hands in the front pocket, looking immediately more comfortable. "It smells like you."

He chuckled and put his hands in the pockets of his baggy jeans, trying not to think about the fact that now he was cold. "I hope that's a good thing."

She nodded and smiled coyly over at him. "It is."

A gentle smile crossed his face and they gazed at each other for a second before turning their attention back to the street in front of them. They walked on in comfortable silence, breaking it here and there to talk about who lived in that house or why that bike was lame and the one he was going to get would kick ass. Before they knew it they were at her door.

"I had fun today Teller. Thanks for hanging out with me."

"Hey, thanks for making an opening in my schedule."

They both laughed and then looked at each other, the mood turning quiet and serious. Slowly he leaned in and softly pressed his lips to hers. His hands stayed in his pockets, hers in the front pocket of his sweatshirt, so all that touched were their lips. He let his eyes flutter closed, immersed himself in the pure sensation of her mouth against his own. He brushed his lips against hers once, twice; sweeping his lips so softly against hers that his kisses were simple and full of innocence, yet more intense than any they'd shared before. The other kisses were full of want or a need for comfort. As he continued to press kiss after kiss to her warm, full mouth he realized that these kisses came from a place much more simple, a place that just wanted to show her how he felt when he didn't really understand it enough to be able to tell her.

He pulled away and watched as she let her eyes flutter open to look at him. She drew her lower lip slightly between her teeth, knew she tasted him there and some part of him knew he was in big trouble.

"See you tomorrow Knowles. You can keep the sweatshirt."

She smiled after him as he started to back away from her. "Good, because I was going to."

With that she turned and went into her house and he was sure she could hear his laugh all the way inside as he made his way down her driveway to walk back home.


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry for the insanely long wait guys, I had to have emergency gall bladder surgery. All is well and the good news is, I have the next three chapters broken and mostly written so I will update as quickly as possible to make up for the lag.**

As night fell over Charming, Jax sat on the roof across from the clubhouse and watched the sun set. Taking a deep drag of his cigarette he felt calmer, more at peace, then he had all day.

He hadn't been able to sleep for shit all night and it hadn't done a great deal for his attitude, which had him pretty much keeping to himself for the majority of the day at work. Around noon a transmission rebuild came in and he threw himself into it, grateful for anything that would keep him to the vow he'd made at 3 in the morning not to go to St. Thomas in a pathetic attempt to bump into Tara.

Fuck, but it would have been easy as hell. Piney was on the second floor. All he would have had to do was pretend that he was there visiting. But what if she wasn't just standing around when he got off of the elevator? What was he going to do, wander the halls? He kept trying to play different scenarios where he made it look accidental. He had the upper hand since she didn't know that Hale had told him about her return.

Which was exactly why he needed to stay the fuck away. She didn't know that he knew she was coming back because she hadn't told him herself. It made him feel pathetic and stupid that even though she'd sent a clear message by coming back that way, he still wanted to see her so god damn much that it was almost irresistible. Would she look the same? Would her hair still fall in a long, soft wave over her shoulders? Would her eyes still pin him to the spot, missing nothing and understanding him like no one had before or since?

He was almost willing to just say fuck it and go see her anyway, even though it was pretty clear that she didn't give a shit if she saw him. But he knew he couldn't, his pride wouldn't let him. And that was when he came around to the fact that he shouldn't see her at all. He was still the same guy that she'd left in Charming when they were nineteen years old and he had no idea who the fuck she was now.

Watching as Tig rolled into the lot, Jax took the last drag of his smoke and flicked it to the ground. He a gun run to do and he needed to get his head in the game. Climbing down from the roof he walked over to the clubhouse. The sooner he got this Tara shit back out of his head and buried again like it had been the better.

The clubhouse was just kicking off, a few crow eaters wandered around near the pool tables, trying to get the attention of Juice and Bobby. A tall, tatted up chick with jet-black hair saw Jax walk in and made a beeline for him. He'd seen her around a few times, had seen the way she looked at him, and smiled his lady killer smile. Maybe just what he needed was to bury himself in some crow eater pussy after the run, make all those adolescent memories a little dimmer.

"Hey Jackson, you're looking good tonight."

She slid up against him as if she'd done it a million times, the skintight black dress she'd poured herself into keeping very little to the imagination. She ran her hand smoothly up the front of his kutte, pausing once she got to his Vice President patch to let her fingers dance idly over it.

Jax leaned in and cocked his head, turning his eyes ablaze on her and enjoying her obvious reaction to his interest. She'd been the aggressor, but having never been the subject of his reciprocated attention the slight widening of her eyes and parting of her lips told him he still hadn't lost his touch. He felt better all ready. "I don't think I've caught your name, darlin."

Trying her best to keep up the confident bravado she'd walked over with she gave him her own mega watt smile. "It's Artemis."

Jax raised an eyebrow, the seductive expression on his face holding her fast. "You come to hunt me darlin?"

A brief look of confusion crossed her face and he could tell instantly that she had no idea that she shared a name with the mythological goddess of the hunt. She recovered quickly though and let the hand that wasn't fondling his patches roam unabashedly across his back, traveling lower until it rested brazenly on his ass. "Whatever you want."

What she may have lacked in brains she made up for in the fact that she would obviously fuck him in a heartbeat and he leaned in close to her ear. The smell of cigarettes and overly sweet perfume assaulted his nostrils but he ignored it. "I've got some business to attend to. Make yourself comfortable, I'll be back later."

He pressed a kiss to the soft skin behind her ear, enjoyed it when she practically purred against him. "I've got all night baby."

He pulled himself away and smiled again as he extricated himself from her arms and walked back to the bar, his confidence starting to rebound. He was actually starting to feel stupid as hell for making such a big deal about Tara coming back. Whatever her reasons were, they no longer had anything to do with him and that was where he would leave it. Their lives had taken separate paths in the last ten years and he would continue down the one he was on, no more looking back.

He made his way over to a barstool next to Tig and sat down beside his Sergeant at Arms. Tig looked up at Jax from the beer in front of him and then looked around the room. "The fuck is Juice?"

Jax shrugged. "He has a few minutes."

Tig shook his head and took a pull from his beer. "Probably shaving his head to look like his snatch."

Jax laughed. Juice was the patched member with the least tenure and Tig had never gotten past giving him shit. Tig was part of the old guard and Juice part of the new. Needless to say, Juice couldn't have been happier when Sack had started prospecting. He'd thought it would lessen the flack he seemed to always get, especially from Tig. He had been wrong.

Almost as if summoned by the conversation, Juice came through the door and spotted the rest of his group for the night. Holding up the keys to the van to signal he was ready to go, Tig and Jax got up and made their way over to the door to meet him.

"You solid on the plan?"

Juice looked at Jax quizzically but answered with his typical enthusiasm. "Yeah, yeah I drive the van. We load the barrels at the shipyard, you and Tig take up my tail and we deliver to the warehouse. Piece of cake."

Jax nodded and they walked out of the door to get the show on the road. They'd been getting their guns for the Niners this way for so long now that it almost seemed like they could sleep walk through it, but Jax was on edge. He knew it was the lack of sleep and the Tara shit on top of the shit with Wendy, who he realized earlier that he hadn't heard from in a week and a half. Opie not coming back and the club's deeper and deeper ties with running guns were big things on his plate too and he just couldn't shake his uneasiness.

They walked out onto the lot and Juice climbed into the van with Jax and Tig starting up their bikes and cruising out of the lot behind him. The night was crystal clear and brisk, helping to clear Jackson's head a bit as they rode. They reached the shipping yard and loaded the few barrels that had arrived this time and headed to the outskirts of town to unload their cargo.

Jax was just starting to look forward to an ice-cold beer and a blowjob when the hair on the back of his neck stood up. They'd picked this warehouse to store the guns because it was out of Charming city limits and it was off the beaten path. It was pitch black out here, no streetlights to light the way and no businesses within a close enough proximity to provide traffic. As close as they were to civilization, they were still removed enough to be totally alone but he couldn't explain it, he knew they were being watched.

He slowed his bike, drawing a questioning glance from Tig who slowed his own to keep in rank with his VP. Juice continued on, the distance between the bikes and the van growing with each passing moment as Jax looked in his mirrors, up ahead, to the sides and off into the distance. He couldn't see shit but he would have bet his soul in that moment that they weren't alone.

Then in his rearview, a single headlight blinked on from the side of the road in some brush, followed by another and then another and he realized that he was right as three bikes pulled from their hiding places and onto the road behind them, coming up quick.

He looked at Tig, his face alive with adrenaline. "Mayans!"

Tig's eyes darted to his mirrors and saw as the bike headlights began to quickly make up ground behind their small caravan. Acting in unspoken unison, Jax and Tig gunned their bikes behind an already accelerating Juice, who must have also seen their company join the party.

Jax yelled with all the force in his lungs to be heard over the roar of their engines. "Plan B!"

Tig nodded and sped up to close in on the van. Jax cursed himself for not wearing his vest, cursed himself for being complacent and not listening to his gut. He and Tig watched as the bikes closed in, waited for them to get just close enough and then, with a nod from Jax, they pulled hard on their brakes.

Tires screamed as the Mayans flew passed them and then hit their own brakes to turn around, but Jax and Tig had managed the element of surprise and were already heading back the direction they'd come. They knew that Juice would see what they'd done and realize that they were enacting their contingency and he would play his part perfectly, driving the van like a bat out of hell up the old frontage road so he could double back to Charming and force the tail to break off for fear of the rest of the club coming to the rescue. He'd go back to the clubhouse, lock the van down in one of the bays at the shop and they'd make the run in a few days.

Looking in his mirror, Jax saw two of the bikes follow the van and the last one come after them. His eyebrows knit together in confusion. It made sense that the priority would be the van, even if this was just a scouting party and they had no real intel, the van would surely hold something more interesting than two bikes could. Still, to willingly outnumber yourself made no sense and the feeling that something wasn't adding up came rushing back again.

At almost the exact moment that his instincts kicked in, Jackson saw a bike speed into his peripheral vision. With only a second to react, he squeezed the brakes for dear life and slid sideways into a shaky stop, Tig and the Mayan chasing him flying by and quickly fading into the night. His heart slamming in his ribs, he stared for a moment at the bike in front of his own that currently blocked the road and then the rider's face came into focus.

Marcus Alvarez.

The two men stared at each other and Jax realized that they'd played right into their hands. The lone Mayan had never had any intention of chasing them outnumbered, he was leading them back to Alvarez so the boss could split Jax from the group.

Slowly, Alvarez pulled out a gun and aimed it at Jax as casually as if he was offering him a sip of his beer. "Dark out here this late. What brings you around my neck of the woods?"

Jax stared at the older man, fighting to keep his face impassive in the presence of the gun. "This isn't your neck of the woods."

Alvarez's eyes narrowed, his hatred for Jax and Samcro etched into every inch of his face. "We ain't in Charming, which makes you the away team out here."

Jackson said nothing, continuing to stare in what he hoped was an unimpressed expression, when he saw movement in the distance behind Alvarez and realized that it was TIg. He must have dumped his bike and either lost the Mayan on his tail or taken him out, but he'd doubled back on foot to get the element of surprise. Jax knew he had to keep Alvarez's attention on him, keep him from noticing that his backup had arrived. "You work for the zoning commission now Alvarez?"

Alvarez glared. "I see you guys. Every few weeks I see Samcro ride through my territory, following a van or truck. I'm not stupid. I know you're doing a protection run. The question is, what needs so much protection in my hood?"

When Jax didn't respond Alvarez sat back slightly and regarded him more subjectively, his gun pointed almost lazily at the center of Jax's chest. "You and me, we're not so different. I was the VP once too. I did my time, proved myself and then I took charge."

The cocky smirk on Jackson's face gave Alvarez nothing, but he listened intently to the man's words as he watched Tig close the distance slowly. He wanted to be sure he didn't miss any sign that the man was going to pull that trigger but something in his voice, in his words, told Jax that Alvarez was going to say something important.

The Mayan leader leaned in slightly, the seriousness in his voice dripping from every syllable. "We may hate each other, but make no mistake ese, we're the same. Kill or be killed, that is what it is. But, as much as you hate me, every move you make gets you closer to becoming me."

His words rang in Jackson's ears and the two men stared each other down.

Alvarez didn't even flinch when he felt the muzzle of Tig's gun against his head, his eyes continuing to bore into Jackson's. His expression was calm, impassive, but hate and death burned from his deep brown eyes. Jax had seen the look in them before, knew the kind of man Alvarez was. He was born into this life, the same as Jax, and he lived his conviction and loyalty with every cell inside of him.

That was what the life did to you, Jax realized. It grew in you, like a parasite, until it consumed all reason, rationale or conscience. He hadn't stopped to think since he was a kid, had always known he'd be the leader of this club someday. He watched as Clay handed down decision after decision that didn't quite sit right and blindly toed the party line.

His blue eyes cold as ice, he kept his voice low as he stared Alvarez down. "Get out of here."

Tig looked at Jax with a glare. Alvarez had attacked _them_. He'd been the aggressor, he'd initiated this, and they were just going to let him walk?

Jackson met Tig's eyes, saw the anger and frustration in them at his decision to do nothing, but let the club's biggest enemy start up his bike and ride away anyway. He didn't want a war and, he realized, he didn't want to blast head long into shit anymore. He'd rode with the skid that was his life for long enough, now it was time to turn into it.

As Alvarez's engine grew fainter in the distance, Jax and Tig looked at each other for a moment and Jax new something had changed between them. He could see the censure in the older man's eyes, could feel his disapproval of how Jax handled the situation but he didn't care.

He turned his own engine over. "Get back to the clubhouse and make sure Juice made it. Then call Clay, let him know the Mayans are watching the road to Bluebird."

Tig nodded and without any further discussion turned to get on his own bike. He was Sargeant at Arms for a reason and Jax knew his choice would have been to shoot Alvarez on the side of the road with no thought to strategy or consequence. It was like Jax was seeing clearly for the first time, seeing a bigger picture than just taking his life a day at a time and a clarity began to color the confused and tortured thoughts that had coursed through him since he'd heard Hale say her name.

Two weeks ago, hell two days ago, would he have let Tig take Alvarez out without voicing how he felt about it? He had a kid on the way, a club to inherit someday and a business to help run that could kill them all if he didn't start using his head, if he didn't start truly acting like the future leader of Samcro.

But did he even want to be? The thought came to his mind so fast that he didn't have time to bury it the way he realized he'd been burying it for years. Is this the life he wanted? As he watched Tig take off like a bullet into the night, he allowed himself to finally wonder if he wanted to become him. Or Alvarez. Did he want to be a career outlaw who killed people to further his ends and died bloody as a reward? Or did he want to do something better, something bigger, with his life? Not just for himself, but also for the son that he was only just now starting to accept the idea of having?

He started his bike and tore onto the road back to Charming, his heart slamming in his throat as the pieces fell neatly into place in his head. Maybe Tara was coming back into his life now for some kind of reason. She'd saved him once, when his life had been so dark and nothing made sense, she'd been there to pull him up out of the abyss. Her return, now of all times when things were back to being as fucked up and backwards as they'd ever been, was a sign. She'd saved him once, maybe she was here now to save him again.

He didn't even realize where he was going until he saw the large, brightly lit ER doors come into view and he pulled his bike into the parking lot of the hospital. Nothing could stop him now from seeing her. The only thing that was going to silence all the shit in his head, give some sort of clarity to the thoughts and theories and suspicions rolling around inside him was laying eyes on her. All he had to do was see her and he'd know exactly what her arrival back in town meant to him, what _she_ still meant to him.

The doors slid open with a whoosh to reveal people milling around, some in scrubs, some obviously patients, in the busy waiting room. He stood in the middle of the chaotic ER and searched frantically for her, not caring if he looked like a fool or not. His hands balled into fists when each face he landed on disappointed him. With panic threatening to overtake him he practically ran to the elevators and took them up to the second floor. It was after midnight and a nagging feeling told him that she might not even be there, but he had to try. If she wasn't there, that would be some sort of answer in itself that maybe the universe didn't work the way he thought it did. Maybe her return had nothing to do with him and maybe he was just narcissistic enough to try and make a random event all about him.

His fear grew as he got off of the elevator and didn't see her at the nurse's station. The second floor was quiet, with patients trying to sleep as he moved noiselessly through the halls. The occasional member of staff gave him a curious glance but if they didn't know him personally, they knew him from his kutte and no one questioned him.

The halls went on in a maze and he tried to fight a feeling of inexplicable panic with each moment that he didn't find her. With his realization some kind of hope had sprung in him and it was slowly slipping away with each passing moment that she eluded him. What if she wasn't fucking here? With every twist and turn his heart slammed harder, his breath came faster and seeing her was suddenly life or death. St. Thomas was a small hospital with only two floors. He made a right down the last corridor of the second floor and realized that this was the last corridor of the hospital, aside from the operating rooms, that he had left to look. His feet were moving unconsciously, carrying him to the end of the hall where the nursery was. Once he reached it that was the end of the road.

His feet slowed as he neared the end, a crushing despair beginning to edge out his desperation. Stopping when he could walk no further, he stared at the sign on the wall in front of him.

_Dead End_.

It was almost symbolic. He'd moved forward with such purpose, but without her, he would be forced to just turn back and start over. He wanted to absolutely kick the shit out of himself for being so stupid. So sappy and sentimental. There were no signs in this life. There were no reasons. The universe was a chaotic and dangerous place and there were no angels put on this earth just for you, to lead you to your purpose and bring you peace. You were born bloody and you died bloody and that was it.

A small noise that sounded like a baby cut through his heartache and he turned his head to see that he was standing directly in front of the large glass window of the nursery. Three babies lay in clear plastic bassinets, their little heads covered by hospital issue beanies. Jax walked over to the glass and peered down at them, unable to comprehend that he'd have one of these in a couple months. They were so innocent and pure. Nothing had fucked them up yet, no one had failed them. Fear slammed into him as he realized that he had no idea if he would be able to save his son from a life that would leave him lonely and confused and possibly get him killed. Would he fail the baby that Wendy was calling Able?

Exhaustion, lonliness, wariness and despair overtook him and he squeezed his eyes shut, rubbing his hands over his face. He had never felt so lost and he just wanted to go home and fall into a deep sleep until shit made sense again. Letting his eyelids flutter open again, he looked deeper into the nursery and his heart stopped.

Staring back at him, her eyes green and surprised, was Tara.

They stared in shock at each other through the glass, a lifetime of meaning passing between their eyes and all of his questions were answered in an instant, just as he'd known they would be. It was all still fucking there, like no time had passed and they had never been separated. They were connected in a way that nothing could break, not time or fear or distance. It was unbroken and whatever had brought her back at this very moment had a reason far more involved than either of them could understand or question.

She moved first, walking quietly over to the door and then emerging through it so she could stand right in front of him. After all this time, she was within arms reach but he could bring himself to do no more than stare, to take her in. She moved the same way, with the purposeful grace that had been such a part of her even then. Her hair was pulled into a ponytail, but it was still the same long, brown mass that he'd run his hands through countless times before. Her eyes seemed even greener and bigger than he could have ever remembered as they bored into his own. This was the face that was stitched into his memories, the one that was inextricably linked to any feelings of intimacy or attachment that he'd ever felt. His mind had done it no justice, for as she stood in front of him, returning his gaze with the same intensity that he was sure marked his own expression, she looked even more beautiful than he could have ever dreamed.

Silently she closed the distance and laid her head against his chest, wrapping her arms around him in a simple gesture of familiarity and homecoming that left him completely undone. But that was the way that it had always been with Tara. The smallest touch, the most mundane interaction could go completely unnoticed with any other girl but with her, it was everything. Her scent enveloped him, clean and natural like soap and sunshine and grass and he felt his arms encircle her, pulling her against him so he could lay his head over hers. He let his eyes flutter closed and basked in her. She still fit against him perfectly and he realized this is what he'd been looking for. He'd slept with half of the west coast in the last decade and no one fit against him like Tara. He'd been looking for that missing piece ever since she'd left and as he stood with her back in his arms he allowed his heart to acknowledge one simple fact. There had been no love before her, and there had been no love after her. She was his heart. She was his love.

"Jax." Her voice was soft but it still didn't keep the sound of his name on her lips from blowing a hole straight through him. If he'd needed confirmation, he'd gotten it. Only she could make him feel this way, only she could stir in him what she did.

He smiled softly. "Welcome back."

He felt her smile against his chest and she pulled back to look at him. Just then he heard a vibration and realized her pager was going off on her hip. She plucked it from the waistband of her scrubs and glanced at the screen, looking up apologetically at him and he realized that it was actually perfect timing. They would have plenty of time to sort out what part they would have in each other's lives from here on out. Tonight, he'd just needed to see her, to confirm his suspicions that she'd come back because there was some connection left between them and he'd gotten his wish.

Dropping his arms, he lifted a hand to her face and brushed her cheek softly with his knuckles. They stared for another moment, almost like they were both trying to rememorize the other's face, to learn the new nuances that the passage of time had added and then he gave her a genuine smile.

"See you around Doc."

And with that he walked slowly back the way he'd come, except he was a different person than the one who'd desperately tore down this hallway only moments before. He didn't know how, he didn't know why, but what he did know was everything had changed.


	6. Chapter 6

**I am really glad you like the story so far, thank you so much for the reviews. I have tried to make sure I stay as true to cannon as possible and have tried to tell as original a take on it as I can. I have read several stories here and really enjoyed them and I wanted to make sure that I didn't mirror anyone's take on this subject in any way. Having said that, I think that there is one area of the back story, as was hinted at in the series, that we agree on and so can not possibly be ignored and that is Hale had the hots for Tara. My interpretation was that it was never requited and maybe Tara herself was only marginally aware of it, but that Jax was more than aware of it. Anyway, I hope you continue to enjoy the story, this is going to work out to my longest effort ever on this site and I am having fun with it. I've had a bunch of these pivotal scenes in my head for years and it has been a real challenge trying to thread them together with an actually story line as opposed to one shots. Thanks for reading, I will stop talking now and let Jax take over.**

**1994**

Opie eyed his friend from his spot under the bleachers as Jax peered between the rows of seats, murder in his eyes. Getting up to stand next to him he looked out and cracked a crooked smile at the source of Jax's discontent.

David Hale, decked out head to toe in his varsity practice uniform, was chatting Tara's ear off on the football field.

Opie rolled his eyes and turned around, not needing to digest every nuance of the interchange the way Jax apparently did.

"I almost feel sorry for the guy, he can't actually think he has a shot with her."

Opie exhaled slowly and tried to keep his face neutral. Jax hadn't been himself for months. At first Opie tried to chalk it up to him losing his dad, and he knew that really was part of it. But lately his quiet, reflective moments seemed happier as opposed to miserable. He didn't seem to be brooding quite as much and he would occasionally get a soft, far away look in his eyes while he stared off at nothing in particular, a hint of a smile on his face that made him look like a total dopey fuck.

He was pretty sure he knew exactly what Jax was thinking about in those moments and it made Opie want to gag.

He was also far more obsessed than he ever was with what David Hale was or was not doing, especially when it came to interacting with one Tara Knowles. He'd never liked the guy, but this was bordering on mental.

"I mean, for fuck sakes, his hair cut alone has to be enough to tell her he is completely gay."

Opie sighed, unable to keep his annoyance inside for another round of this particular circle jerk. "Dude, what's up with you lately?"

Jax snapped back into reality at the sound of his friend's voice and turned to face him. "What do you mean?"

Opie turned his head slowly to look Jax in the eye. "Why the hell do you give a shit if Hale is talking to Tara?"

Jax turned around so he wasn't looking out of the bleachers anymore and took a deliberately lazy drag of his smoke, trying to look nonchalant and failing so miserably it was almost funny. "I don't, I just don't like the guy on general principle.

Opie looked over his shoulder so he could see Hale and Tara again through the bleachers and then turned back to Jax with a snort. "So you aren't obsessing over Hale because you're worried he's trying to rub up on your girlfriend?"

Jax crossed his arms over the reaper on his sweatshirt. "It's not like that with her bro, she's not my girlfriend. We're just hanging out."

Opie's eyes glimmered. "So you wouldn't be pissed if he was literally rubbing up on her?"

Unable to help himself Jax whirled back around to see what Opie was talking about and saw Hale running his hand up and down Tara's bare arm as they talked.

Ignoring his best friend's chuckle he walked around the back of the bleachers so he could get to the side and then climbed up until he could hop down onto the metal benches.

"Tara!"

She and Hale turned immediately to look at him and he smiled innocently across the field at her. "Got a second?"

She smiled back at him and turned to say goodbye to David who was shooting daggers at Jax. He turned the innocence up in his smile by 200% in response.

Leaving the jock behind, Tara made her way to the bleachers and climbed the few rows that separated she and Jax until she stood beside him. "Hey."

"Hey." The breeze kicked up the hair around her face and he could smell the shampoo that she used. The mid afternoon sun brought red lights out in it and her eyes glimmered. He wondered how long he'd have to hang out with her before he didn't react so strongly to how beautiful she was because clearly two months wasn't enough. It was the same every time, he'd look at her and heat would spread through him until he had to split more than half of his energy on not touching her.

He'd told Opie they were just friends and he had been telling the truth. In the two months since she'd pulled the fire alarm he could honestly say he'd been happier than since before Thomas had died. They'd done all kids of stupid shit, going to movies, hanging out at her house while her dad was out and shooting whiskey, sitting at the diner and making fun of the people sitting in the booths around them low enough for only them to hear.

His 16th birthday had come and gone and he had insisted that he didn't want to do shit for it, with his dad gone he kinda didn't want to think about the fact that he wasn't going to see him get his first bike. He and Opie, along with Tara and Donna, had hung out at Opie's house, with Piney escaping to the clubhouse after about ten minutes to get away from the teenagers. They'd drank and played music and smoked more cigarettes than they could handle. Tara had gotten him a cake. Gemma had been pissed, but Jax hadn't wanted to see her. She was a reminder of everything in his life that hurt and he wanted to be with his friends. That night had been just what he'd needed and he would remember for years how lucky he'd felt to have people in his life that truly were there just because they cared about him and not about what he represented.

It was also the night that Opie's suspicions had gone from slight to pretty well confirmed. It was true that they had barely touched each other the whole night and in the morning, when Piney had come and started nudging them all awake from their passed out positions on the floor with his boot he and Tara still had their clothes on and were in the same spots that they'd crashed in. But it was like they'd been connected the entire night by some unseen force. They'd occasionally look at each other and laugh at something that neither he nor Donna had caught and, though they kept things completely G rated, they couldn't seem to resist a touch here and there. Jax would smooth and errant lock of her hair out of her face. She'd wipe a smudge of frosting from his cheek. At one point she crossed her arms against a chill in the air and Jax, totally engrossed in a conversation with Opie and not even looking at Tara, whipped his sweatshirt over his head and handed it to her. She'd taken it and put it on without so much as breaking her conversation with Donna. Opie was fascinated. It was as if they'd been together for 50 years and yet they weren't even together, at least not so much as they were aware of. They'd all passed out at some point and Tara had done so nuzzled up to Jax with her head on his shoulder and his arm protectively around her.

When Opie had started to question him after that night Jax had insisted that they were nothing more than friends and that had been his line ever since, but if he was being totally honest, their relationship wasn't 100% platonic. They'd start out innocently enough but eventually things would lead to kissing. It had never progressed past that though and in his world kissing was barely more than a handshake so he felt pretty comfortable classifying her as a friend. This had been possibly the most fucked up time in his entire life and she'd been there for him. He honestly didn't know how to express what her being in his life right now meant and analyzing it could possibly just lead to fucking it up. So he didn't try.

Which brought him to what he'd wanted to talk to her about. "My mom got married today."

Tara's face registered the shock that she felt at his words and she gave her head a little half shake, as if to bring herself out of a dream state. "What? Today?"

Jax looked out onto the field and put his hands in his pockets. "Yeah. They didn't see any point in waiting longer so they went down to the courthouse. They're taking off tonight for a week to go on a honeymoon."

Tara tucked an errant lock of hair behind her ear. "Where?"

Jax shook his head. "Some bed and breakfast, I didn't really ask."

Neither of them said anything for a minute and she turned to look out at the field beside him. Jax saw Hale look over at them from his place among the other football players and he let a smug smile grace his lips.

After a second he continued, getting to the point. "I've got my house to myself for the next few days. If you wanted to come by and keep me company I wouldn't be pissed at you."

Tara laughed and nudged him with her shoulder. He couldn't keep the stupid grin her gesture caused from blooming on his face.

"I think I could work it into my schedule."

Tara had come over almost every night. They'd smoke weed and lay in his back yard, looking up at the sky and talking. She'd insisted that they do homework and he thought he'd literally lose his mind if she made him memorize one more Greek god. For fuck sakes, who the hell cared? It wasn't like they were real.

One night they rented True Romance. Jax had thought it was going to be a chick flick and had been pleasantly surprised. At the beginning of the week, they would end the night with some kissing, which progressed with the days to longer and longer sessions spent wrapped up in each other. As the nights bled into each other, an unbearable tension began to build inside of him. He'd have her pressed against him, feel her warm and pliant in his arms and it was getting harder and harder not to touch her everywhere. He wanted to let his hands roam, to feel every inch of her but he had vowed to let her make that move if she wanted things to go further.

Every night it ended the same way. He'd be nearly desperate, his lips bruised and swollen from punishing hers and he'd be painfully hard and she would pull back. She'd tell him she had to go and that she'd see him tomorrow. It was getting to the point that he wanted her so much that he thought he was losing his mind. She invaded his every thought. He'd be sitting in class, or working on a bike, and fantasies would come unbidden to his mind of what she would look like naked. What she would feel like beneath him. He ached from walking around wanting her all day and then she'd come over at night and manage to ratchet up the intensity of his feelings. She had a power over him that he would have been terrified of had it not felt so incredibly good.

The doorbell rang and he forced himself to walk slowly so he didn't get to it too fast and look like an over-eager dumb ass. As he reached for the handle to let her in he tried not to think about the fact that the weekend was only a day away and his mom and Clay would be coming home along with it.

She stood on the porch in a pair of jeans and a midnight blue baby doll tee that showed off just a slash of midriff, but enough to get him hard immediately. He'd never had a hair trigger before, but he supposed that was what several months of frustrated desires would do to you. She smiled up at him and held up another movie. "No homework tonight Teller, you ready for a scary movie?"

He stepped out of the doorway and beamed at her as she walked past him and into the house. "I don't know, I might get too scared and you'll have to hold me."

She threw him a saucy look over her shoulder and kept walking toward the family room as he closed the front door and followed her. Plopping down on the couch he watched as she walked over to the VCR and knelt down on the ground in front of it. "So what do you have in store for me tonight?"

Tara took the tape out of the sleeve and powered up the VCR. "The Exorcist. You said you hadn't seen it, I figured we'd go with a classic."

Jax nodded and was about to offer to go make some popcorn when Tara leaned forward to load the tape, her perfect ass popping up into the air right in front of him, and his mouth went totally dry.

At his lack of response, Tara turned her head and saw the look in his eyes. Her heart started to kick up in her chest as she recognized what she'd come to know as desire in his expression, but this was more than that. Turning slowly so she was facing him from her kneeling position on the floor, she met his eyes as he rose slowly from the couch to kneel down in front of her.

Closer up she realized that the extra emotion she'd read in his eyes was more than desire. It was pure lust. His eyes, pale blue like the sky, seemed to take every part of her in at once and the admiration she saw in them was so naked, so unadulterated that it wrapped around her heart and refused to let go. No one had ever looked at her the way he did. Her head told her to be careful with him, told her not to allow herself to lose control but her heart couldn't help it. With a small smile she leaned close to him until her face was inches from his. His breathing quickened and the thrill that shot through her tingled in every nerve. Having Jackson Teller want her felt like the best high she'd ever known.

"We're not watching the movie tonight, are we?"

His eyes flashed fire and he shook his head slowly as his hand came up to cup the back of her head and bring her mouth down to his. Laying a hand gently on his chest, she pushed him back, never breaking the kiss, until he could get into a sitting position and she climbed onto his lap, straddling him. She felt so fucking good, he knew she could feel how hard he was and he honestly didn't give a shit. Apparently neither did she as her hands fisted in his hair and she deepened the kiss, changing the angle and opening wider. He slid his tongue into her mouth and let out a tortured groan as she started slowly, unconsciously, rocking her hips in his lap. His eyes rolled back and fluttered closed and he was lost. Lost in her, lost in sensation and need and his control over himself finally slipped.

Dragging his hands to her hips from where they'd rested on her back he let them slowly travel up, feeling them dip at her waist and then move outward again as he got to her ribcage. He rested them there for a second before he let them move in and finally terminate at her breasts, cupping their heavy fullness in his hands while a shaky moan escaped his lips against her mouth. He had no idea if he was pushing too far too fast but he was simply unable to help himself anymore and he waited anxiously for her response.

To his surprise and extreme pleasure, she dragged in a jagged breath and rocked harder against him, loving the feel of his hands on her while her mind screamed at her to stop him. She'd thought she could hang out with him, maybe make out with him here and there, and not form any kind of attachment to him. Any other guy she'd dated, which there had been admittedly pretty few, she'd been able to do that. But she didn't even know what she was to him. Was she his friend? Were they dating? She usually had a better grip on things but when it came to him it felt like her mind simply clicked off and all that was left was him.

Gently he kneaded her, his breath coming quicker with each passing moment until he dragged his hands back down. Vaguely he heard a little sound of disappointment form in the back of her throat but it didn't last long before she felt his hands snake up under her shirt, slide up her bare stomach so slowly that the muscles there shook and then stop just below her breasts.

Her skin felt so soft and so warm he almost regretted touching it because he knew that the floodgates were opened now and he'd never be able to go back. He was always going to want more. He had to know what every part of her felt like, tasted like. He wanted to touch her everywhere, but for now, if he didn't get closer to the breasts that he'd fantasized about for months he was going to die. Closing the last few inches he took her in his hands again, this time the only barrier being what felt like a very thin and a very lacy bra.

"Oh god Tara." He moaned into her mouth, wanting to tell her how good she felt and lacking the words. He softly kneaded her again, just as he'd done outside of her shirt, and delighted in feeling her nipples harden under his palms. He ran his thumbs over them and her entire body shuddered, making it increasingly difficult for him to control the shaking in his hands. He had never known desire like this in his entire life. Nibbling her bottom lip for a moment to try and compose himself, he rubbed his thumbs over the hard pebbles again and then softly took one between his thumb and index finger.

It was all too much for Tara. With a desperate whimper that sounded very much to him like it came from a place of pleasure, she confused him by suddenly leaping off of his lap and racing out of the back door. He sat stunned for a second, his breath coming in gasps and his heart hammering. His skin still hummed everywhere that he had touched her. He was drunk with her and terrified all at the same time that he'd pushed too far. He wanted to kick himself for not sticking to his plan to let her set the pace.

Jumping to his feet he went out the back door after her. She stood at the edge of the back porch facing the darkened yard, her breathing still uneven as she hugged herself against the slight chill in he air.

Putting his hands in his pockets so he could be sure they didn't betray him again, he walked up behind her. "Hey, I'm sorry if that wasn't what you wanted. I didn't mean to push."

Whirling around she leveled him with wild eyes, her skin rosy from passion and her lips swollen from his kisses. She looked wild and so beautiful he ached.

"Are you a virgin Jax?"

She blurted it out and his eyes widened in response. "What?"

Running a hand through her hair she looked down at her shoes and then back up at him before she spoke again. "Are you a virgin?"

His experience with women had always been a small point of pride for him, after all he was a teenage boy. But looking into her wide green eyes as she searched for an answer for reasons as yet unknown to him he couldn't help but feel ashamed of it for the first time in his life. He'd be honest with her, tell her the truth whenever she asked it of him, but a ball of fear grew in his stomach as he hoped that truth didn't chase her away.

Dropping his gaze, his voice came out sure but soft. "No."

Tara paced for a second in front of him and he lifted his eyes to see that she was working something out in her head. Stopping, she regarded him thoughtfully. "Have there been a lot of girls?"

Jax fought the urge to fidget uncomfortably. Had there been a lot of girls? Since 8th grade he'd had no shortage of females who wanted to nail him. Crow eaters, skanks from school, skanks from out of town, chicks just looking for some fun, chicks looking to start something he had no interest in starting. To say there'd been a lot of girls was the tip of the iceberg. He absolutely could not tell her that, but he'd decided not to lie to her so he would have to tell her something.

Keeping his expression impassive he nodded his head slowly. "There've been a few."

Tara crossed her arms in front of her chest and cocked her head as if he was a slide on a microscope. She wasn't entirely oblivious, she'd known the answers before he gave them to her. People talked, girls talked, and it was kind of hard not to hear about the conquests of a small town's favorite son. Still, she'd wanted to hear it from him.

"Did you feel like you loved any of them?"

He could only thank the stars that he didn't let the laugh that sprang to the back of his throat burst out of his mouth, but he couldn't keep the incredulousness from his voice. "Love?"

Tara nodded, the analytical way that she was studying him starting to unnerve him just as much as the direction this conversation had taken. "Yes, love. Have you, Jackson Teller, ever been in love?"

Now he did fidget and looked down at the ground. This whole thing was getting to be too much and his discomfort was at defcon 5. What the fuck did he know about love? He'd barely just turned 16 and had never hung out with a girl longer than a night or two in his life. At least, up until now.

Instead of answering her he threw her question back. "Have you?"

She shook her head no and he felt slightly better. Crossing his arms over his chest to mirror her posture he continued turning the tables. "Are you a virgin?"

She narrowed her eyes and he could tell that she wanted to tell him to fuck off but couldn't. "Yes."

He'd known it, had felt the hesitance and sensed the innocence in her. Knowing that she'd never been with anyone before unleashed something primal in him and he suddenly had to know everything.

"How far have you gone?"

Her glare deepened and she really wished she hadn't started this discussion. She'd wanted to know about him, and instead he was taking control of the conversation and turning everything around. Still, he'd answered her and if she wanted him to continue that she'd have to give him something. "I've fooled around with a couple guys, that's it."

Jax took a step closer to her, his expression intense. He knew it was double standard bullshit but the thought of her doing anything with another guy made him sick. "That's all _we_ were doing. Why did you stop _me_?"

She met his eyes unwaveringly, the temper crackling in them acting as a warning that he had no intention of heeding. How the hell could she say that she'd stopped _him _because she was in love with _him._ That if she gave herself over to him and he told her 'thanks for the memories' it would crush her into a million pieces?

Instead, she went for bravado and self-preservation. "Because I don't feel like being another notch in Jackson Teller's belt. Somehow, I have a feeling you wouldn't even have room."

His temper flared and she had to admit that it was a little intimidating. "It's not like that."

"Oh really? What is it then? What is this?"

Jackson took a step back and ran his hands over his face before walking over to the porch swing and sinking down onto it. He sat quietly for a minute, his temper fading away as he looked up at her. "I don't know Tara, I don't know what this is. All I know is I don't think of you like a notch in my belt. You're more important than that." He dropped his eyes, hating how exposed he felt but needing her to understand. "Much more."

For a few agonizing seconds she just stood where she was and then he heard her walk over to stand in front of him. He let out a breath he had no idea he'd been holding. Looking up he saw that she no longer appeared angry, but she appeared resolute and he could tell that how he answered her next question was going to be important.

"Are you with anyone now?"

Jax cocked his head as the realization struck him that he hadn't been with anyone in months. He hadn't made a conscious choice not to be, but for some reason he'd been content to hang out with Tara instead of some faceless girl at the clubhouse.

He shook his head and she could see the guilelessness in his eyes as he answered. "I haven't."

She smiled a little then and some of the tension in his chest eased. Sitting down in the swing next to him she looked down at her shoes. "I don't know what this is either, but I like spending time with you Jax." She looked over at him then, her eyes almost nervous and her voice grew soft. "Should we put some kind of name on it? On what this is?"

Fuck. He had no idea how to answer her question, primarily because he had no idea what he wanted. His mind had been a tangle of emotions since they'd started spending time together and analyzing any of it had been way too fucking hard. He knew what she was asking, if he wanted to call them dating or not and he just didn't know. He'd never, ever liked the idea of a steady girlfriend and all the bullshit that went along with that. But he also didn't want to lose Tara. She'd become...important to him in the last few months and the idea that he couldn't hang out with her anymore without committing to some fucking relationship made panic rise up in his chest.

Smiling his most charming smile as a means to cover his fear he laid his hand on her knee. "Why do we have to call it anything at all? We're hanging out, why mess with a good thing babe?"

The shutters went down over her eyes so fast that the transition from their previous openness was jarring. With a smile that didn't use her whole face she nodded. "Okay, if that's what you want I'm cool with that."

She stood up and he felt like he was drowning without a life raft. He knew that he'd answered wrong but he couldn't bring himself to say something else.

Turning to face him she placed a soft kiss to the end of his nose. "There's a party tomorrow night that I think I'm gonna go to with some friends. We'll hook up later this weekend. Okay?"

Jax nodded and reached out to grab her hand. He searched her eyes, imploring her to understand what he didn't understand for himself, what he didn't know how to express. Swallowing past a dryness that was suddenly plaguing his throat he tried for a smile but he could tell it was pitiful. " We okay Knowles?"

Tara regarded him for a minute, could see he was struggling, but she'd be damned if she tried to figure this shit out for him. He needed to decide what he wanted for himself, because if she was going to keep screwing around with him and spending all her time thinking about him she wasn't going to pretend she wasn't in love with him anymore. She wouldn't throw herself at someone who didn't feel the same way either, so a little space for perspective was pretty much the only course. "We're cool Jackson. Have a good weekend."

He sat on the swing and listened to her leave. She'd said they were cool, but something in him knew that was bullshit and panic suddenly rose, unbidden, into his chest.

Jumping up from the swing he walked inside and threw on his sweatshirt before jumping on his bike and heading to the clubhouse. He was too jacked up to be alone and a friendly game of pool or just some fucking noise would keep him from sitting in his empty house and obsessing over the huge mistake he'd potentially just made.


	7. Chapter 7

"You're absolutely sure that the Mayans don't know about the warehouse?"

"No, thankfully they ambushed us before we got to the turnoff. I doubled back through town and they disappeared before I even reached the clubhouse."

Clay nodded his head at Juice, satisfied with his answer. They'd gone over all of this the night everything happened but now that the new shipment was in and they had to make another run to Bluebird he wanted to be absolutely sure he hadn't missed anything.

"They were strictly doing recon. They have no idea what we've got going on out there or they wouldn't have rushed us where they did. They were hoping we'd fuck up."

Clay looked at Jax's words and regarded him thoughtfully. "So what's the move VP?"

Jax tapped the end of his cigarette into the ashtray. "No move. They delayed us by a couple days, hardly worth starting shit over. We make the run tomorrow night with Leroy's guns and the new shipment, taking the opposite route in case they're still watching the highway. With the amount we're moving we have to use one of Unser's trucks anyway, we should be well below the radar."

Tig's eyes narrowed but he said nothing and Clay called the meeting adjourned. As everyone filed out of the chapel, Clay kept his Sergeant at Arms behind. "You got anything to add to this? You've been weird about this shit for days now."

Tig's eyes were cold. "Alvarez keeps flexing his muscles bigger and bigger lately. Seems like a good time to knock him back down a peg would've been when he was alone, that's all I'm sayin'."

Clay took a drag of his stogie. "We run the shipment tomorrow night. After we get Leroy what he's got coming to him we'll be in the black, which means more than half of this shipment is ours. We send Alvarez a message then."

Tig nodded and turned to leave. Clay knew he didn't like the way Jax had chosen to handle the situation the night before, but Clay wasn't sure it had been the wrong call. Bringing more Mayan attention before they got their arsenal stocked wasn't what they wanted. Still, Alvarez needed to be shown who was boss and Tig didn't like taking the thoughtful route. He'd have to keep his eye on the situation. Having the two men sitting on either side of him at the head of the table on different pages could implode a charter over time.

As Jax walked out of the clubhouse to make his way to his bike he saw Gemma standing in the doorway to the office. As soon as she saw him she beelined it for him, the expression on her face grim. He stopped where he was and waited for her to approach. "What's up?"

Standing in front of him, nearly eye level in her high-heeled boots, she looked around and seemed to decide that there were too many people milling around for what she had to say. "Come with me, I need to talk to you."

Jax's eyebrows knit together in confusion as he followed her back into her tiny office and closed the door behind him. "What's going on?"

Gemma turned to look at him, her arms folding over her chest and her lips set in a grim line. "Luann just called. She had to take one of her girls to St. Thomas."

Jax was pretty sure where she was going with this and his stomach filled with dread. He wasn't ready to have to discuss this with her, not when he didn't even understand how _he_ felt about it. Still, he'd learned never to provide Gemma with information until he was clear on what she was talking about first so he stood silently and let her finish.

The look on her face was soft but determined. It was her "I've-got-some-terrible-news-to-break-to-you" look. "Tara's back baby."

Jax ran his hand over his face and sat down on the couch under the window, having no idea how to play this. He'd have to be honest with her that he already knew; she was pretty good at seeing through him when he tried to snow her. But he knew she wasn't going to relish the idea of Tara being back and he was too emotionally exhausted to deal with her opinions about it on top of his own.

Seeing her that night, feeling her in his arms, had changed things. Had changed him. It felt like ten years had never happened, like she'd never left, and he laid up half of the night again thinking about it. He didn't know if there was any kind of reconciliation in the cards for them or, hell, if he even wanted that. Love her or not, she'd bailed on him. But it somehow felt like he was getting some kind of a second chance. At nineteen years old he'd been on top of the world. He'd become a patched member of the club, he had the girl he loved and he was earning bank enough to have everything he wanted. People respected him, even if most of them respected him for fear of the reaper on his back.

Then she'd left and his life had been a series of stupid decisions and lonely nights, even when he was surrounded by people. Fuck, especially when he was surrounded by people. Having her back, feeling the connection after all these years that had always tied them together, he felt stupid thinking it, but it felt like a sign. He couldn't wipe the slate clean, but he could start shit over. Start doing things different.

How the fuck he could explain that to Gemma, however, when he barely understood it himself was too much and he had no idea how to begin.

Putting an incredulous hand on her hip she glared at him and he knew his hesitance had given him away, removing the need for him to think of anything to say at all. "You knew?"

Jax sighed. He'd play this like he played everything with Gemma. He'd tell her as much as he had to and play the rest close to the chest. He'd start by admitting that he knew she was back. Unless she pried, he'd leave out the part where he'd actually burst into the hospital like a man possessed in order to see her. "Hale told me a few days ago."

Gemma absently tapped a jewel on the pocket of her designer jeans with one of her acrylic nails as she continued to stare a hole through her son. "You've known that bitch is back for days and you didn't tell anyone?"

Jax shrugged, attempting to look flippant. "That shit is ancient history. Why should I care if she's back or not?"

Gemma chuckled humorlessly. "Don't bullshit a bullshitter sweetheart, we can smell our own."

Jax stood up and walked closer to her, the expression on his face earnest. "Mom, it's been ten years. Do you honestly think I've been holding a candle for my high school crush all this time?"

Gemma looked up at her son, looked at the man he'd become and she felt pride swell up in her chest. He was strong, a leader. He had her strength and perseverance and JT's vision and thoughtfulness. He also had JT's blind spot when it came to women and that was where he still needed protecting. She knew her son, knew that what he'd had with Tara hadn't been a normal teenage crush. He'd fallen in love and he was the kind of man that wouldn't do that easily, even at 16. It may have happened young but she knew how real it was and there was no way that turned off just because she'd left. Not for Jackson. He was loyal to the bone and when he loved, he loved completely.

Putting her hand to his face she smiled genuinely at him. "Baby, I just don't want to see you hurt again. With everything that happened back then and now with all the shit going on with Wendy and the baby, I just want you to be happy."

Jax smiled. For all of her meddling and machinations he knew that she meant every word of that. Kissing her on the forehead he gave her shoulder a light squeeze. "I'm fine mom, don't worry about me."

Turning to walk back out she followed him to the door. "How is Wendy anyway? She keeping the needle out of her arm?"

Jax stopped again just outside of the office and turned back around with a roll of his eyes. "She's clean, she's 6 months pregnant for fuck sakes."

Gemma shrugged innocently. "Okay, okay, sorry."

Turning away again he finally made his way to the garage to get some work done. His mom had always hated Wendy, had seen that she was weak from the get go, but Jax had refused to listen to her and plowed headlong into the relationship anyway. Opie was locked up, Tara had been gone for years, and he'd been tired of lying in his bed either alone or with some piece of ass that he could've given a shit about.

Part of him knew all along that he'd been desperately trying to fill the hole Tara had left and he'd failed utterly with his hasty marriage. It had turned to shit almost immediately and stayed that way with very few exceptions for the duration. Even their half assed attempt to reconcile had been a shit show and now they were only speaking through doctor's bills.

Which, he realized, he hadn't seen in awhile. He'd have to look on his dresser at the clubhouse and see when the last one was that he'd gotten.

He started up his bike and pulled out of the lot, thinking he might stop off at the diner for a quick lunch at the counter. It was a beautiful day and as he rode, his mind turned back to the worry on his mom's face during their conversation.

She may have hated Wendy but Tara had been another thing entirely. Gemma had loved Tara. Sure, she'd kept her at a slightly suspicious distance, but she did that with everyone. She'd seen something in Tara that she liked for her son. Her strength and intelligence would be things Gemma would suspect and respect all at once. At the root of it though, she'd been able to see how deeply Jax was in love with her and she liked that Tara reciprocated it. Tara treated him well and that mattered to Gemma. When she'd gotten the crow, his crow, on her back at eighteen Gemma had treated her like family. When she'd left, it was like she'd left Gemma too and where some people would hurt over that, Gemma hated.

Pulling into the diner Jax walked in and gave a quick jerk of his head in greeting to Danny behind the counter. Danny's eyes grew wide in response to seeing Jax, which stopped him in his tracks. The poor old guy looked completely at sea, which was baffling for a moment until he saw the old timer's eyes flick toward the booths and Jax turned to see what had the owner so worried.

There, with her nose buried in a medical looking journal and sipping coffee, was Tara.

It was as if all of his thoughts about her had conjured her up and he smiled over to Danny to reassure him before he made his way to her booth and plopped down in it across from her as if they did this every day.

She looked up quickly in surprise and he saw a faint glimmer of something else before she could compose her expression. It unsettled him that he couldn't read what had passed through her eyes. There was a time that he used to be able to practically have entire conversations with her from across a room with just their eyes. Her poker face had improved and it was a little sucker punch that he was on the receiving end of it.

Putting it out of his mind he decided to keep their second meeting light. Tilting his head for a clearer view, he read the title of her journal and smiled. "Operative Techniques in Thoracic and Cardiovascular Surgery." He tilted his head back up to face her, his smile becoming an amused grin. "Enjoying a little light reading?"

She laughed and closed the journal. "When you're a resident you have to be up on top of the latest information all the time."

Jax nodded appreciatively. "So you're a heart surgeon."

Tara smiled. "Trying to be. A pediatric heart surgeon actually."

Jackson didn't try to keep the pride from his face. She wasn't his anymore, but he was as proud of her as if she still was. "A pediatric heart surgeon. That's amazing Doc, really."

Shaking her head a little, almost bashfully, she smiled at his praise and took a sip of her coffee. She was at a loss for words at how his compliment made her feel. She'd worked harder, achieved more, than anyone on the planet had ever given her credit to be able to. Except Jax. He'd always believed in her, made her feel like the smartest person on the planet and it floored her to realize that the one person's approval that she gave a good god damn about was his. When her father had sent her a card for graduation, two months after the fact, with a rambling letter about how pleased he was she'd skimmed it and thrown it in the trash. Too little, too late. But all Jax had said was "that's amazing" and there was practically a lump in her throat.

She'd been through so fucking much, mostly in the last year, that just his presence was enough to make her want to burst into grateful tears to be out of Chicago and back in Charming. She wouldn't though. She would hold back, break down with relief later. For now, she just wanted to drink coffee with Jackson Teller and feel like Tara Knowles again. Feel safe again. She'd always felt like she was safer with him than anywhere else. Looking into his big, blue eyes and seeing the boy she'd loved looking at her now as a man she knew she'd been right.

Margie brought over a coffee for Jax without being asked and he smiled flirtatiously at the older woman in thanks. He knew that the kindly proprietor's wife was an avid gossip and desperately wanted an excuse to catch even just a shred of conversation to pass along to her friends later. "You want a sandwich or somethin' honey?"

Jax had to stifle a laugh at her transparency and shook his head. "Thanks Margie, I'm fine.

She turned away with a plastic smile that barely concealed her disappointment and he smirked back across the table at Tara. "Still feels like I'm a kid around this town sometimes, but we went and grew up. When did that happen?"

Tara nodded and folded her hands on the table, her expression serene. "I wonder the same thing all the time. Some days I get up and feel like I'm going to be late for some class or something and then I remember, _I'm a doctor._"

They both laughed, understanding the sentiment completely and then the smile faded just slightly from Tara's eyes, though Jax could tell she was working hard to keep it on her face. "Speaking of growing up, I heard you got married. Congratulations."

He couldn't stifle the spark of pleasure her words ignited deep inside him. She'd, at some point or another, either kept tabs on him or asked about him. He'd been on her mind too. Fuck, that shouldn't feel so good.

"Yeah, that was a dumb idea. Been done awhile now."

He studied her eyes for a reaction, any reaction, but that poker face was back in full force. "I'm sorry to hear that."

The look she gave him then seemed genuine and the previous spark dimmed. This was a small town, it was possible that she'd been treated to a wide array of information upon her return that was entirely unasked for on her part. Maybe she'd heard about his marriage without actually giving a shit one way or the other. He felt like a dumbass for allowing himself to hope.

An awkward silence fell over them and they both fidgeted with their coffee mugs. What was there left to say? He wouldn't be human if he didn't have about two hundred fucking questions but he wasn't about to ask them. He had them in the first place because when she'd left they hadn't spoken again. She'd burned down the house and salted the earth. He would feel like way too much of a pussy if he suddenly started begging her to fill in the blanks that she'd left in the last ten years. There had been a time when he would have chalked it up to pride, but this girl had torn his heart out. Keeping a bit of himself back wasn't pride, it was self preservation.

The minutes ticked on, the silence between them growing heavier and more loaded with each passing second. Tara lifted her cup to her lips and sipped her coffee, putting it back down on the table gently and then surprised them both by chuckling softly at just how ridiculously uncomfortable the entire situation actually was. Jax followed suit and pretty soon they were both smiling at each other.

She shook her head slowly. "It's been a long time Jackson."

He nodded. "I guess a lot changes in ten years."

She nodded at him and cocked her head sideways, her expression growing thoughtful. "I guess a lot stays the same too."

Her words were loaded with so many possible meanings that he found himself at a loss for how to respond and then, just for a minute, her defenses slipped and he saw a world of emotions flicker through her eyes. He saw uncertainty, plenty of it, but there was also happiness mixed with nervousness and something that looked almost like fear.

He instinctively reached across the table to cover her hand with his and his voice was soft as he allowed himself to ask the question that had plagued him since her return. "Why did you come back here?"

The tentative tone of his voice told her just how much she'd hurt him, just how big a chasm she'd blown between them, while every nerve in her hand caught fire at his touch. After the night that she'd seen him in the hospital she'd been able to feel him for hours, was able to smell him on her scrubs. She'd left this town to become someone other than a biker's old lady with a prison record and a quick temper. She'd left to become someone other than Gemma. But as she sat here now across from that biker, his strong hand on hers and his blue eyes watching her face as if nothing else existed in the world at that moment she knew a part of her had never left him. They'd been like earth and the moon, separated by time and space, but orbiting each other just the same. She'd told herself that she'd come back to Charming for the job, because she had a family home here, because a small town with law enforcement who knew her would be a safer place for her to get away from Josh. But, she knew that was all just surface shit. At the root of it, just to be in the same vicinity of Jax again had been the desire and everything else had fallen into place around it.

But she couldn't tell him that. The hole between them and the history behind them was epic and, just like him, she needed to protect herself too. "St. Thomas had a smaller program. Less residents means more surgeries."

He knew it was a bullshit answer of the highest order and his frustration at being stonewalled warred with his understanding of her hesitance. Hadn't he just tried the same shit with Gemma earlier because he couldn't bring himself to give voice to what was going on in his head? He'd seen her mind working at his question. Seen that the answer had a lot to it and he decided to give her a pass.

He gave her hand a final squeeze and then let it go. "I know there's a lot of shit behind us, but it's good to have you back Tara."

Their eyes held for several seconds, a lifetime going unspoken between them, before Tara returned his soft smile and nodded. "It's good to be back Jackson."

With nothing more to say he got up, threw down a couple bucks for their coffees and with a small parting wave he walked slowly back out of the diner. He was more confused than before on how exactly they'd fit into each other's lives now. Were they friends? Acquaintances? Exes? Merely former lovers? He had no idea what to call them. He kick started his bike and pulled onto main street again, catching a glimpse of her watching him from her seat by the window and he realized he didn't give a shit that there wasn't a name for what they were anymore. For now, just having her back in his world would be enough.


	8. Chapter 8

**1994**

"Earth to Jax? You gonna shoot or are you gonna moon over your girlfriend all night?"

"Holy fuck dude, she's not my goddamn girlfriend."

Opie snorted and watched as Jax made another shitty shot. He was usually a pretty decent pool player and his distraction was bleeding out all over everything he did. He didn't know what it was, but he'd been weird ever since he'd shown up to the clubhouse last night for the first time all week. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure something must have happened with Tara and, at this point, Opie considered it his civic duty to shake him up and make him face reality.

"Whatever man, call it what you want, but you guys have gone domestic and you know it. You spend every waking minute with her, when you aren't with her you're either talking to her on the phone about some of the stupidest shit I've ever fucking heard or you're sitting all gooey eyed in some corner _thinking_ about talking to her about some of the stupidest shit I'm sure I've ever heard."

Jackson scowled at the cue ball as he tried to line up his shot. "Oh yeah, like you and Donna don't talk about stupid shit all the time."

Opie let his head drop back as he gazed incredulously at the ceiling, not needing to look at the table to know that the thunk of the pool cue and Jax's frustrated curse meant that he'd missed another shot. "You're right, Donna and I talk about stupid shit all the time. And you know what? I get sex for it, _because she's my girlfriend._"

Opie walked around the table and lined up his shot, banking the eight ball perfectly into the corner pocket to win the game. He looked up at Jax, ignoring the frustration on his face. If your best friend couldn't needle the fuck out of you until you admitted something to yourself that you might not want to then what the hell was a best friend good for? "Loser racks."

Jax stormed over to the wall and yanked the triangular rack down from the peg it rested on and began throwing the balls unceremoniously into the center of it for another game.

"She's my friend Ope. I've been hanging out with her a lot lately, but that's gonna slow down. I've been here the last two nights haven't I? You see Tara Knowles around here anywhere?"

Opie rolled his eyes and lined up the cue ball to break. "Girlfriend or not you can't stay away from her and you know it brother."

Jax's expression turned smug. "I can stay away from her just fine. She's at some party and I'm here, we can do our own shit. You know why? Cuz she's not my fucking girlfriend."

It was Opie's turn to look smug. This was going to be fun. "She's at some party? It's not the party at Hale's, is it?"

Jax's expression grew murderous in an instant and it took every ounce of self-control Opie had not to crack a grin. It was more than obvious that Jax hadn't even known that there was going to be a party at Hale's and it was proof that the universe loved him that he was able to be the one to break it to him in the middle of this particular conversation. Jax dropped his pool cue and turned to stalk out of the clubhouse, Opie following after him in the dutiful friend role, even if he was laughing his ass off.

Tearing out of the lot, Opie riding next to him with no small amount of amusement written all over his face, they made a beeline for Hale's. He was everything Jackson hated in the world. He was rich, entitled, full of himself and most pressing at the moment, he was into Tara.

He wasn't a complete moron, he realized his part in the creation of this situation and if he could have kicked the shit out himself he would. He liked Tara, really liked her. Hell, he knew no matter how hard he was trying to deny it to Opie and even to himself that he more than liked her and it was that prideful denial that had possibly pushed her right at the very guy Jax couldn't stand most in the world. For god's sake, he was Jax Teller. He could have any chick on earth. The idea that in two months he was this fucking into a girl that he'd been in school with since he was a child, a girl he hadn't even slept with, wasn't something that he'd thought would ever happen.

Could he really be blamed for not being able to wrap his mind around it right away? For not being able to understand it when she'd asked him to put a name on it? He thought about the shuttered, disappointed look on her face when he hadn't given her the answer she had been looking for and he squeezed the throttle harder, the idea that he'd blown it with the first girl to mean shit to him making him almost sick.

They pulled up in front of the enormous house to see a party in full swing. Jocks, cheerleaders and other representatives of the Charming High elite milled around just outside and stared in open surprise as two prospective Sons got off of their bikes and headed for the front door.

Jax was aware that he must look pretty pissed off because a hush fell on the kids closest to the door just before they backed away to let him in. He walked past them without much thought and started looking for Tara, his eyes searching the crowd for any sign of her. There were kids everywhere, most of them he recognized from school, but plenty he didn't and some absent corner of his mind figured he met these people in football and ROTC or some other lame shit he did. Goddamn he hated this guy.

Jax made his way through the sea of mildly confused and even some nervous faces, his mind singularly focused on finding Tara, when he walked into the main room and his breath caught. He could see her in the back yard through a huge set of sliding glass doors at the far end of the room, talking to a girl he recognized from his Spanish class. Relief washed through him. She'd probably meant this girl when she said she was going to a party with some friends this weekend. He started to feel like a grade A dick as he stood rooted to the spot amidst his now thoroughly confused classmates and stared at her. Why the fuck had he reacted like such a freak?

He turned to Opie to tell him they should go, his confusion and embarrassment growing by the minute, when his friend cocked his head back in the direction of Tara with a grim expression. Jax turned back to look in time to see Hale handing Tara a red cup, presumably of beer. His breath sped up with anger as he watched Hale reach out to run his hand smoothly, possessively, up and down Tara's back as she continued her conversation with the other girl.

Jax's feet were moving before he even knew it.

Throwing the sliding glass door open hard enough for it to bang against the frame, everyone jumped and gaped at Jax and Opie, the latter of which looked perfectly used to his best friend's actions, even if it had never in his memory been a girl to set him off like this.

"You under the impression you were invited Teller?" Hale ground out, the expression on his face murderous.

"Didn't know it was a private party." Jax turned his attention from Hale to Tara and his eyes burned into her stunned ones. "Is it?"

Tara looked at him for a second and then glanced at David, seeing the rage in his face, and she realized that this was some kind of pissing contest. Her own temper crackled beneath the surface. When he'd had her all to himself he hadn't wanted it that way, but now that he clearly thought something was going on with another guy he was going to get possessive? She cocked an eyebrow at him. Fuck that.

"If David says it's a private party then I guess it's a private party." She took a casual sip of her beer and leveled him with her eyes. She may be in love with him and smarting from his rejection, but there was no way in hell she would let him bully her too.

His eyes grew slightly rounder and the speed that his chest rose and fell increased and she realized that he was totally pissed. Part of her had to admit he looked pretty scary while the other part thrilled that he was so worked up over her. He deserved it after his "we're just having fun babe" bullshit.

"Well then, as an invited guest to the private party, if you'd like me to leave just say so and I'm gone."

Hale sneered. "It's my house and _I_ want you gone."

"I'm talking to Tara!" Jax yelled menacingly at Hale, his fists balling up at his sides and Tara feared he was about to hit him.

She knew his words were an ultimatum and they tore her in half. Part of her desperately wanted to go with her pride and tell him to go fuck himself. The other part saw the tiny shred of well-concealed fear and hurt behind his typical Prince of Charming bravado and she started to feel a little guilty.

Just as she was about to let him off the hook, and potentially save David from a face pounding, a girl in a skintight tank top with a bad bleach job Tara knew from school sidled drunkenly up to Jax.

"Hey Jax. Didn't know you'd be here tonight." She purred as she ran her hand up his chest. "Thank god, now this party can stop sucking."

The look of surprise on Jax's face should have soothed Tara but instead her temper went from crackling to full-blown ignition and she glared daggers at the girl.

The threat in her voice was palpable. "I think you wanna back up Angie."

Angie, who'd by this time put her arm lazily up on his shoulder, slid her eyes over to Tara and regarded her like an annoying toddler. "Um, yeah, I don't remember talking to the nerd queen. Don't you have a book to crack or something, the grown ups are talking honey."

Confident in her dismissal of Tara she turned her attention back to Jax and started to whisper exactly what she thought they should do with the rest of their evening into his ear. The fury in Tara's eyes had amused him to no end and he basked in the fact that the tables had turned.

And that was why he didn't see it coming when, in his desire to continue making Tara feel like he had about she and David, he turned his attention to Angie and missed the hand that flew out to fist in the drunken girl's hair. Surprise registered in her face in the split second that she felt the yank before she was being pulled painfully away from Jax, just far enough for Tara to smash her right fist into the girl's face.

Everything seemed to happen at once. Blood spurted out of the girl's ruined noise onto Jax's sweatshirt as she howled with pain. He was so stunned that he stood rooted to the spot for a split second, long enough for Tara to cock back and deck the girl again. The look of animal fury in her eyes was enough to snap him out of his shock and he jumped forward to try and tear her off of the girl, which caused Hale to jump forward in an attempt to keep Jax away from Tara. Without so much as a warning, Opie planted his feet and shoved Hale with a speed and force that sent him stumbling until he lost his footing and smashed his face on the keg. Jax pried Tara away from Angie, even if he pried her away with a huge handful of the girl's hair, just as one of Angie's friends came over to avenge her friend. This time, it was the girl Tara had been talking to that came to the rescue and she clocked the new threat in the face.

A full-blown riot broke out at that point and Jax grabbed Tara by the arm, pulling her quickly through the melee toward the door with David Hale coming up fast on their heels. They broke into a run for his bike when they got out of the front door and he only released his death grip on her wrist once they reached it.

"You'd better run Teller! I'm gonna fuck you up if you set foot in my house again!"

Jax cranked his bike to life and looked over his shoulder at David Hale standing in his doorway, blood dripping down his chin from his split lip. The two boy's eyes met just as Tara slipped her arms around his waist from her seat behind him on his bike and Jax's face split into a devilish grin. He peeled out, loving the feel of Tara on the back of his bike where she belonged. This round had gone to him.

They tore through town as his mind raced. He needed to be alone with her, needed to get her completely to himself so he could make sense of all the confusion and pain and questions and excitement that was boiling just beneath his surface ever since he'd heard she was at Hale's party.

He'd known that his preoccupation with Hale and Tara had been extreme for weeks. He'd continued to chalk it up to his dislike for Hale as opposed to actually dissecting it, but something had snapped in him tonight that left him more unnerved than he could ever remember being. With the wind rushing through his hair and Tara squeezing tighter as his speed crept higher and higher he had to admit that all of this had stemmed from on thing.

Love.

He blindly, completely, irrationally, utterly loved the girl on the back of his bike. She'd snuck into him like smoke and filled him so absolutely with her that he hadn't even realized it until he walked into that party and saw her with Hale. The only thing he'd been able to think was "She's mine" but she wasn't. She'd asked him to make some sort of declaration of their relationship and he'd balked. The idea that his own unobservant stupidity had maybe cost him the girl he hadn't even had the imagination to dream of was too much. He wouldn't lose her, not when he'd just found her.

Realizing that he'd driven them just outside the city limits, he finally slowed. Seeing a field coming up to the right he pulled off to the side of the road and stopped. Hoping off of his bike he stalked blindly through the field toward a huge tree that stood about fifty yards away, his heart hammering in his throat.

"Jax!"

Tara hopped off the bike right behind him and broke into a light trot to catch up with him but he didn't turn around. He was too jacked up, his mind and his heart in too much turmoil and he stayed his course toward the tree.

She finally caught up with him just as he reached the shade of its enormous branches and grabbed him by the arm. "Jax, wait-"

He whirled around at her touch and the dangerous, desperate glint in his eye had her dropping her hand.

"I want to put a name on it Tara."

Her eyes widened in surprise and he could tell that was clearly the last thing she thought he was going to blurt out. He took a deep breath and raked a shaky hand through his messy hair. He'd never felt like this in his entire life, especially about a chick, and was torn between wanting to play it cool and wanting to spew every thought darting through his mind and heart like some kind of fucking pussy.

But this was Tara. He knew he couldn't play it cool, that was what had almost fucked everything up in the first place. Plus, one of the things that had made him feel so close to her was that he felt like he could tell her anything. He'd fucking cried in front of her for god's sake, he hadn't even cried in front of Opie since he was 5.

He looked positively tortured and part of her wanted to soothe him, to tell him it was going to be all right but part of her wanted to hear what he had to say. She stood rooted to the spot and waited for him to continue, looking at him patiently until he could get himself together enough to pick a place to start. Even without knowing what was rattling around in his head she looked at him with such understanding and, if he wasn't mistaken, affection that it took his breath away. God help him he loved her.

He opened his mouth to speak and everything poured out in a rush of words. "I don't know how you feel about all this, I mean I think I have an idea, but until tonight I didn't. Or maybe I did, I don't know, my head is a fucking mess." He turned around and took a step away from her only to spin around and walk right back. "Is there something between you and Hale?"

Tara's eyebrows knit together in confusion. "Hale? I, no, I mean we're friends, but-"

"Are you friends like you and me are friends or are you actually just friends?"

It was a legitimate question but his eyes were boring into hers and the tree branches were casting odd shadows over his tortured face from the bright, clear moon overhead and she thought she'd never seen him look more dangerous or more imposingly sexy and it flustered her into mild incoherence.

He mistook her silence and the desperation on his face grew as he took another step closer too her, bringing him a breath away from her face. His closeness and the look in his eyes snapped her back to life and they both started talking at once.

"Jax, listen-"

"I know I'm not some rich football player and I know I don't give a shit about school-"

"I don't care about money, there's nothing going on between-"

"But I'm twice the man that asshole will ever be and-"

"Jax you seriously have it wrong-"

"I'm in love with you Tara."

Both of their eyes grew wide and they fell into a stunned silence, both shocked it had come out of his mouth. His words hung in the air around them and Tara's heart began to pound. Had he just said what she thought he'd said? Had Jackson Teller, the boy who'd crept into every corner of her thoughts, who'd made her skin tingle just by being in the room, who'd made her understand what it really meant to genuinely care about another human being, just told her he loved her?

He stared at her, searching her stunned expression for some kind of sign, some kind of clue into her thoughts. He hadn't planned to say it, hadn't brought her here to make some huge declaration. He'd just needed to get her away, had wanted to sort out what she was to Hale and maybe talk to her about how she felt about _him_. He'd had no idea that it would get turned around and now her continued silence had every nerve in his body alive with tension. If she told him to go to hell now he didn't know if he was gonna recover from that shit. He dropped his eyes to his tennis shoes, suddenly too freaked out to look at her when the answer finally came.

"It's about time Teller."

Her words settled over him and as he realized what they meant, he lifted his eyes back up slowly to look into her face. She was smiling, her green eyes dancing in the moonlight and what little resolve, what little shred of self preservation he'd had left, evaporated. With a groan he reached up to frame her face with his hands and crushed his mouth to hers, his heart slamming painfully in his ribs as she returned his kiss with the same level of desperation that he felt.

He started to walk backwards, never breaking their kiss, until he drew them completely under the cover of the tree. She held onto him for dear life as he kissed her deeper and deeper, running his tongue alongside hers, changing the angle of his head to feel her mouth against his every way he could.

He was so lost in her that he only vaguely felt her hands slide down his back and grab the bottom of his sweatshirt. With only a second to wonder what she was doing before she started lifting it up, he realized she was taking it off.

He tore his mouth from hers and yanked the now offending material over his head so quickly that she giggled as she started on the buttons to her shirt. Butterflies, actual goddamn butterflies, took flight in his stomach, which was utterly baffling to him, but he went to work yanking off his t-shirt before hastily kicking off his shoes. An explosion over his head couldn't have torn his gaze from the path her fingers were traveling down those buttons. She reached the last one and smiled self consciously at how focused he was on her shirt before she opened it up and let it slide back over her shoulders and down her arms. His breath caught at the sight of the red lace that strained to conceal her perfect breasts from him and it fanned her courage enough to reach around her back to work the clasp on the bra. He had been reaching for the button to his pants but stopped cold, closing the distance between them so he could reach around behind her and stay her hand.

She looked up into his eyes in confusion and felt her knees go weak at what she saw in them. Love and lust, need and desperation filled the beautiful blue orbs and her knees felt weak from the force of it all directed at her. Taking her hand gently away from the clasp of her bra, he reached up with his other hand and brushed her hair away from her face before placing the softest, most tender kiss imaginable to her lips. With deft fingers he snapped the bra open himself, continuing to brush kiss after kiss to her lips as he let his hand roam up and down the expanse of exposed flesh on her back. He reveled in the feel of every nuance of her, the way her lower back dipped in delicately, the strength of her muscles, the fine contours of her shoulder blades.

She met each soft, sweet kiss with one of her own and followed his lead, letting her hands run up his chest to feel the muscles that she'd admired through his clothing for so long. His skin was almost hot under her hands and she loved the coiled power that she felt there. How someone so capable of the level of strength he was capable of could be so agonizingly gentle all at the same time was mind-blowing to her. She'd seen him get into a fistfight once during freshman year, a time when he wasn't even as built as he was now, and he'd destroyed the other guy. She'd seen what his hands and muscles could do. Yet here she was in those arms, with those hands brushing lovingly across her skin, up her arms and finally resting on her shoulders for just a moment before they lightly pushed her bra straps down and she couldn't remember ever feeling so safe.

She let the scrap of wire and lace fall down her arms and to the ground. He lifted his hands to her face again and kissed her deeply as he pulled her to him. The muscles in his stomach bunched involuntarily at the sensation of her breasts against his chest and he was pretty sure that she could feel every inch of how much he wanted her pressed up against her belly through his jeans.

His voice was strained against her mouth, his words a raspy growl. "You feel so fucking good Tara."

She let her hands come up until they were in his hair and she held his mouth to hers, nibbling his lip, plunging her tongue in his mouth, brushing her lips over his. They stood there for what felt like an hour, even if it was probably only a few minutes, wholly lost in each other.

Wanting to feel more of him, to press every part of herself to every part of him, Tara began to sink down into the grass and Jax followed suit. He sat down on the cool grass and she straddled him, just as she had the other night at his house before everything had almost gotten irrevocably fucked up. She could feel the size of him through his jeans and nerves fluttered through her stomach at the knowledge that she'd never done this before. She hadn't been raised under a rock, she knew that it could be painful, but that didn't stop her from wanting to feel him inside of her.

Needing to look at him, she pulled away just far enough to take him in. His hair was mussed and his lips were already swollen beneath the blond stubble that was lightly dusting his face. His eyes bore into hers and his breath was coming in quick bursts. He smiled softly at her and stroked her cheek with his knuckles. "You're so beautiful."

She smiled back. "You're not bad yourself Jackson."

He chuckled and dropped his eyes slowly to take in her naked breasts, letting them feast on what he'd, to this point, only felt. They were perfect, more perfect than he had imagined and he'd imagined they'd be pretty damned amazing. He let his hand slide softly down her face, grazing her neck and collarbone, before he finally closed it over her. Its weight and warmth felt incredible in his hand and he had to know how she tasted. He leaned in and took the nipple to her other breast in his mouth, unable to suppress the almost animal growl the rumbled from his throat at the sensation.

She dropped her head back and groaned, fanning the flame of his need to dangerous heights. She tasted like soap and sweetness and _her. _He flicked her nipple with his tongue before teasing it with his teeth, fighting to be gentle, to keep himself under control with every gasp of surprise and moan of pleasure that he brought out in her. He toyed with one breast, then the other as her hands became fists in his hair and her hips rocked against him, unconsciously begging him to fill her.

Wrapping one arm around her he rose up until he could dip her back and lay her down. The grass was damp and cool to her overheated skin but the sensation barely registered as he crawled over top of her and wedged himself between her legs. She gazed up into his face as he let his fingers sweep tenderly across her forehead, her cheeks, her lips. The adoration she saw there stripped her bare.

Her voice came as a whisper in the dark. "I love you Jackson Teller."

He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against hers. He had no way of describing in his mind what those words had just done to him. All he knew was it was more powerful than anything he'd ever felt. His voice was a whisper too when he was finally able to respond. "I love you Tara Knowles."

Letting her hands run up and down his back she brushed kisses to the side of his face, his neck, his shoulder. "I want you to love me now Jax. Please."

He shuddered at her words. He felt like he was the virgin here. It didn't take much thought to understand why it was different, to comprehend why this was an experience that he'd never known. It was one thing to bang someone until you found gratification and then forget their name. It was entirely different, he was finding, to share yourself with someone.

Placing a kiss to her lips he looked into her eyes. "Are you sure Tara?"

She nodded slowly and that was all he needed. He placed a soft kiss toher lips, then started a trail of kisses down her chin, to her neck and then to her collarbone. He kissed her breast and the sensitive underside of it, moving ever further down until he kissed her belly button and came to the button of her jeans. Flicking it open and taking the zipper down he pulled on the denim, signaling her to lift her hips so he could slide her jeans down over them. He hooked her underwear in his fingers on the way down and pulled until both the panties and the jeans swept down her legs and he tossed them lightly to the side.

She thought she should feel embarrassed or awkward being totally naked in front of him, but she was neither. For the second time that night she felt safe. Jax would protect her from anything, she knew that. He was looking at her like she was the most stunning thing he'd ever seen in his life and the idea that she was something special to him settled over her heart.

With her clothes out of the way he picked up where he left off, placing a kiss to her belly button and then traveling lower to kiss her hip bones. Her breath picked up speed as he kissed the small patch of curls that were as dark as her hair and then, looking up at her for a reaction, he kissed the sensitive nub just below it. Fireworks shot through her veins and she grabbed a fistful of grass in each hand as she tilted her head back. He'd barely touched her, yet her reaction was as intense as if he'd done far more and he ached to see how responsive she would be to his fingers, his tongue.

Gently he reached up to test her entrance with the tip of his finger, the agonized whimper he got as a response making it difficult not to rush. He kissed her again and then took her in his mouth while sliding his finger slowly inside of her. She was tight around him and he moaned at the feel and the taste of her, at the thought of how she was going to feel around his dick as she gasped out his name and he heard the grass in her fists tear from the ground.

He'd never been with a virgin before and had really no idea what to expect except that if he wasn't careful it would suck for her. God, but he didn't want that. Not when this was turning out, already, to be one of the most incredible experiences of his entire life. He wanted, no needed, to make it as special for her as it already was for him. As he pleasured her with his mouth removed his finger and let his hands roam up her body, let them cup her breasts and caress her stomach. Let them explore her.

He could practically hear her heart pounding, which he thought was pretty incredible that he could hear anything over the pounding of his own. She writhed enticingly beneath him, making him painfully hard but he wouldn't let her come, stopping just short when he heard her breath get too fast or her moans too intense. She was practically begging by the third time that he'd brought her to the brink before stopping again and that was more than he could endure.

Pushing up on his hands he crawled up over her and was surprised when she wrapped her arms around him and pulled him into a crushing kiss. Some girls didn't want to kiss after he'd gone down on them, but she was so delirious with passion that she didn't seem to care in the slightest. He groaned against her mouth and felt his heart slam in his ribs as she reached down between their bodies and started on the button of his jeans. She worked it free and pulled the zipper down carefully, conscious of the fact that his erection was pushing forcefully against it. She pushed his jeans and boxers shakily over his hips until he reached up and helped her get them down far enough to kick off.

He'd wondered how she would feel beneath him and the reality was exponentially better than the fantasy. With nothing acting as a barrier between them anymore he grabbed at his discarded jeans for a second to find his wallet. Still pressed up against her, he found a condom and tore the packet open with his teeth. He smiled at her for a brief second before he sat up on his knees to roll it on, but her hand came up to rest on his wrist before he could.

"Wait."

He looked up at her in bewilderment as she got up on her knees too and he hoped to holy god that she wasn't having second thoughts. He'd stop immediately if that was what she wanted but it would be the hardest thing he'd ever have to do. "Before you put that on, can I…is it okay if I…just for a second…?"

Jax looked at her in confusion for a second and then he realized what she was asking. "You want to touch me?"

She nodded and he had to stop the urge to shudder in anticipation. She reached out softly and caressed his length with just the tips of her fingers at first. Shivers went straight from her fingers through his entire body and he felt his stomach muscles convulse violently. How the fuck was this possible? Just like everything with Tara, it was like he'd never been touched before. He let her play as she wished, watching her discover him and loving her more with every breath for the fact that she wanted to. She took her time, closing her hand around him and stroking softly, running her fingers through the blond hair that surrounded him, cupping him in her hands. She watched his face and repeated whatever seemed to feel the best to him, memorizing how he liked to be touched. She cared about his pleasure, a thought that filled him with awe. Briefly he wondered why he'd fought having a girlfriend if this was how it felt to have one, but then he realized he'd fought it because no one else he'd been with had been her.

She stroked him again and again in the way that she'd discovered that he liked, and he let his eyes flutter closed at the sensation. Her hand was small and soft and he wanted to feel it just a little while longer but he knew he had to stop her soon before she got him too close and he embarrassed himself by being a two pump chump their first time out. Then he felt her shift and before he knew it, her mouth had closed hot and wet around him and he couldn't bite back the moan before it tore through him.

"Oh god Tara, you have to stop or I'm gonna lose it."

Forcing himself to take her gently by the shoulders he pulled her up so he could kiss her again and buy himself a little time to calm down. His fingers were actually shaking as he rolled the condom on between them and then he leaned forward, forcing her to lean back until she was back on the ground so he could crawl back over top of her. She opened her legs so he could position himself between them and he poised himself at her entrance, his body flush with hers and his face inches from her own. Searching her eyes he let himself give voice to some of the wonder he felt. "How did this happen?"

She smiled and kissed him lightly, understanding completely what he meant. "I don't know. But I'm sure as hell glad it did."

With that he kissed her as deeply as he ever had and pushed slowly but forcefully inside of her. He felt her tense, knew that it was probably uncomfortable at best, but she did little more than dig her nails into his back to indicate any pain. She was so tight it made him almost dizzy and she whimpered softly as he sheathed himself completely within her.

He kissed her cheeks, her eyelids, her nose, her lips all while staying buried motionless inside of her. His body screamed for him to move, instinct begging him to finish what he'd started, but he held himself still and waited for her to adjust to his size.

"Are you okay?" His voice was a ragged whisper against her neck as he placed kisses to her pulse points.

It had hurt for a moment, a slow, agonizing stretch that almost felt like too much and then suddenly it dulled to an ache and then into pleasure. So many thoughts, so many sensations, were assailing her at once that she couldn't find her voice, couldn't find an answer to his question and she instead just let her body take over.

With a tentative rock of her hips she drew him out and back in, eliciting a shaky breath followed by a low groan from him and detonating an explosion of pleasure deep inside of herself. With the next rock of her hips the pleasure grew and she realized that she'd answered his question for the next time that she rocked against him, he met her motion with his own and the intensity of the sensations doubled.

Feeling her hips rock against his made the light switch in his head that controlled everything intelligent or thoughtful about him click off, leaving behind only that which was controlled by pure, animal hunger. He planted his hands on either side of her head and pushed himself up enough to be able to watch her face as he thrust slowly, gently, in and out with her, their hips finding a synchronized rhythm so quickly it was as if they'd been lovers for years. A part of him that was still sentient wasn't surprised, that was the way it had been for them in every other facet of their relationship. It stood to reason that their lovemaking would be no exception. But knowing something and feeling it were two different things and as their bodies picked up speed, as sweat beaded up on their flesh and words of love came to their minds Jax knew he was experiencing something so powerful, so rare that he would carry this in his heart forever, no matter what happened in the always uncertain future.

Agonized pleasure danced across her face as he felt her release building inside of her. Wanting to watch her find it, he reached one hand down between them and found the spot he'd teased earlier with his mouth, rubbing it expertly with his thumb. She arched against him, her moans and whimpers getting louder and he had to bite his own lip hard to keep from getting too close before he could get her there. Every muscle in her body tightened and a blush of crimson bloomed on her chest and neck so bright that he could see it in the shaded moonlight. He knew she was close and so was he.

"Jax! Oh God Jax!" His name burst out of her mouth in an agonized cry that was so fucking sexy he didn't know if he could make it until she came. Thankfully, just as the pulling low in his belly threatened to topple him over the edge she grabbed hold of his hips in desperation and rocked with him desperately until he felt her shake, heard her cry out a wordless cry of ecstasy and then she clenched around him.

Her orgasm tore through her, her muscles convulsing and he watched the impossibly erotic sight just long enough before he lost it himself and came right along with her, his forehead dropping down to hers with a strangled moan as he bucked inside of her.

They lay in each other's arms, collecting themselves as the afterglow of what they'd just done settled over them. Through his pleasure-induced haze Jax was in complete shock. Never in his life had he felt something like this. All he knew was at the moment, she was everything and he was completely fine with it.


	9. Chapter 9

**Thanks so much for leaving feedback guys; I'm really happy you're enjoying the story. From here on out I'm going to be using a lot of quotes from the show in the present day chapters so I think this would be the proper place for the "I own nothing relating to Sons of Anarchy" disclaimer. I am but a humble fan so please, don't sue me.**

Tara rolled her shoulders, trying to get the kinks out. It had been a quiet day, which she'd learned early on was usually a bad sign. She'd dedicated her life to science, to the pursuit of higher learning, so she usually prided herself on not putting much stock in superstitions, omens or any of the other bullshit that people usually consulted tealeaves over. She was an educated woman. But, a quiet hospital? Sometimes it was nothing more than a slow day. But, sometimes, just sometimes, a quiet hospital seemed to hum in anticipation. Like the calm before the storm, sometimes a quiet hospital was merely waiting. Waiting for all hell to break loose.

Taking a sip from the sludge the cafeteria had put into a cup and called coffee, she opened the chart at the OR nurse's station and began making notes. She hadn't gotten further than the date and time of her last round on Dr. Namid's most recent patient when the doors burst open with a rush of people surrounding a gurney.

"28-year-old female, OD, presenting with possible placental abruption."

Tara rushed over to the pre-op bay and looked down into the woman's unconscious face. She was deathly pale, clammy and from the look of her grey leggings she'd lost a lot of blood. Taking out her penlight, Tara lifted one eyelid and then the other, seeing dilated pupils. "Did you page Dr. Namid and Dr. Kesler?" She asked hurriedly as she continued her cursory exam, wanting to miss nothing for when the pediatric and obstetric attendings got there.

A nurse affirmed that the other doctors were on their way as she finished putting heart leads all over the woman's chest while another nurse tried desperately to find a good vein for the IV. Even without the leads Tara knew that the patient was tachycardic, telling her that she'd probably OD'd on a stimulant as opposed to a barbiturate or opiate of some kind.

"Her veins are no good on this arm Dr. Knowles. Too much scar tissue."

Tara glanced over, seeing exactly what the nurse was talking about and immediately began inspecting her arms and legs for better IV options. The girl was covered in track marks, ratcheting up the urgency in Tara's mind. They had to figure out what this girl took and what the impact to the baby was immediately.

"Get her hooked to a fetal heart monitor." Turning her other arm over so she could inspect her veins more thoroughly, one tattoo stood out among the many and Tara's eyes zeroed in on it. It was a crow. Just like Tara's.

Pointing to the good vein that she'd found in the woman's other arm, she barely took her eyes off of the crow. "Did she come in with anyone?"

"CFD brought her in, but Gemma Morrow is in the waiting room for her. She followed the ambulance over."

Tara's eyes shot up to the nurse who'd spoken. "Gemma Morrow?"

The nurse nodded, finally getting the IV started and hanging the bag. Tara looked back down at the girl's face as a another nurse finished attaching the fetal monitor, drawing her attention back away and over to the screen. Fetal heart rates were normally quicker than one of an adult but this one was manic.

"That heart rate is way too fast, what did CFD say she took?"

The nurse shook her head. "She was unconscious at the scene, but Mrs. Morrow said she thinks she shot crank."

Just then the two attendings rushed through the double doors and over to the girl. Tara brought them up to speed quickly as another nurse rushed in and thrust the history that Tara was sure Gemma had just filled out into Dr. Kesler's hand.

Glancing down at it and back up to the monitors he shook his head. "Wendy Case, roughly 30 weeks along and a habitual meth user."

Tara's heart began to pound but she kept her facial expression placid, clinical. Wendy Case. This was Jax's wife.

And she was pregnant.

"We have to get that baby out if we have a prayer of stabilizing either of them, let's move people!"

Tara hurried over to her attending as everyone burst into action, doing her best to keep her head level. "Dr. Namid, I would very much like to assist on the infant's case in the event that it's surgical."

Dr. Namid walked over to the large sinks just outside of the OR and began to scrub his hands. "Why's that Dr. Knowles?"

"It will be my first exposure to a live infant with this degree of prematurity, but my fellowship included several cases of babies born to drug addicted mothers in Chicago and I feel I could be of use in this case."

"Then scrub in Dr. Knowles, we won't know what we've got until we get the baby out but a 10 week preterm with a drug addicted mother, well, let's just hope it's surgical."

Tara had to tell herself not to dive for the sink as she hurried to get scrubbed in. The far recesses of her mind raced with emotions that fought at every turn to seep into the forefront and steal her focus. He'd said that his marriage had been done for a while when she'd talked to him last week in the diner. Did he just mean that they'd been having problems? Were they actually still together? She shook her head, willing the thoughts away until she was finished with the task at hand. Why in the hell hadn't he told her she was pregnant? Why hadn't any of the little town criers who'd felt so inclined to clue her in along the way felt the need to tell her this minor detail? Was the baby even his?

Through her shock and confusion, she knew one thing for certain. If this was Jackson's baby, she had to be involved. Had to be able to look him in the face and tell him that she'd done everything she could to save it. In the short time she'd been back she'd felt like they'd somehow begun to forge a sort of friendship, but this ran much deeper. This was pure instinct, a need so strong and sure to help him, to protect him from pain. She couldn't have stepped away even if she'd been ordered to. So she would fight like hell to save his child, even if it meant finding a compartment in her head to hide the searing ache that ripped through her chest at the thought that Jackson Teller was having a baby, and it wasn't with her.

They wheeled Wendy in and the anesthesiologist went to work ensuring that she stayed out through the procedure even though she hadn't regained consciousness since she'd been admitted. Dr. Kesler worked quickly as Tara and Dr. Namid stood by, watching as the obstetric surgeon made his incision into Wendy's abdomen and began pushing away the fatty layer to expose the fascia. He worked quickly, knowing with the blood loss that Wendy had sustained and the already deoxygenating effects of meth on the placenta that the clock was ticking for the baby.

Tara watched as an incision was made into the peritoneum before the final cut was made to the uterus and then Dr. Kesler was reaching for the baby, pulling it out to reveal the tiniest human she'd ever seen outside of simulations.

It was a boy and he didn't look good.

A nurse sprang into action, rolling the infant cart over for Dr. Kesler to lay the baby in before he went back to work on Wendy while Tara and Dr. Namid rushed over to assess his status. He was 2 pounds, but she knew right away that this was definitely Jackson's baby. He moved his little hands and mewled in an effort to cry. He was a fighter. A yearning suddenly hit her so strongly that for just the briefest moment the chaos in the operating room and the people surrounding her faded away, leaving Tara and this little human alone. She'd been present for the birth of many children and never had she felt something like this, like she was being pulled to him somehow. She didn't know how or why, but she would be a part of this little boy's life. She had to be.

"We need to get him to radiology now, there is something very wrong with his rhythm."

Her attending's words snapped her back to the moment and she looked up at Dr. Namid. She'd seen the look on his face before as he listened to the baby's chest and she had to concentrate on keeping her expression blank. His words had been dire, but his expression was worse. It went without saying that pediatric surgeons did not relish the thought of losing a patient, any patient. But, the obvious distress in her superior's face had panic edging into her stomach. They couldn't lose this baby. Not this one.

It didn't take long to get his studies back. Wendy was out of surgery and Tara stood at her bedside, the results running through her mind over and over. It was agonizing to think that she was going to have to explain this to Jax. Dr. Namid always liked to be optimistic, liked to think his abilities bordered on super hero levels and Tara appreciated that about him. The years hadn't jaded him. But Tara was a realist and she didn't believe in miracles. With a hole in his heart and a tear in his stomach, that was exactly what he was going to need.

"Dr. Knowles."

Tara looked at the nurse who'd said her name as the woman pointed her attention toward the recovery room's large window. Coming quickly down the hall, his face a mask of dread, was Jax and half of Samcro.

Excusing herself quickly she ducked out of the room to talk to him.

He rushed over to her, looking first to her face, then through the window at Wendy, then back at Tara. The fear and panic was rippling off of him in waves and all of the confusion resurfaced in Tara. Had he left her or had she actually been the one to end things with him? Was it love or just concern that she was seeing in his huge, terrified eyes? Was it both?

Before she could analyze it again, however, his panicked voice reached her ears. " What the hell happened?"

It was then that she realized that he would never have sat idly by while the woman potentially carrying his child was shooting up. He probably, genuinely, had no idea that it was happening. She hated that she felt hope deep in the recesses of her brain at the thought that maybe they weren't actually together after all. "When was the last time you saw her?"

The guilt radiated off of him in waves. "A couple weeks."

His words confirmed her suspicions and she nodded, her face kind and devoid of blame while her heart broke for the fear in his face. What he needed right now was a doctor and she switched into her most forthright and clinical mode, shoving her own feelings back until they were nonexistent. "Her hands and feet were full of tracks. Toxicology reports aren't back yet but it's most likely crank."

Jax felt like he'd been kicked in the stomach. How could he have been so fucking stupid? Was he really such a selfish prick that he thought he could leave a fragile, ex-junkie alone to carry his baby and she'd be able to handle it? She'd once gone on a three day bender because she thought he'd fucked a crow eater on a run to SamTaz and he thought being a single mother to a baby whose father wouldn't even speak to her wouldn't faze her?

Looking into her window his eyes found her sleeping face and he hated himself. He didn't love her. But that didn't mean that he didn't give a shit about her either and his part in this plagued his mind. He let his gaze wander down from her face and his heart stopped. Keeping his eyes glued to her belly, he stared at where his child should have been and his voice grew quiet and terrified. "The baby?"

Tara kept her eyes on him, her expression calm despite the desperate need growing inside of her to pull him into her arms and hold him, to tell him everything was going to be alright when she knew it wouldn't. "We had to do an emergency C section. He's ten weeks premature."

"Holy shit." The horror in his impossibly blue eyes was the tip of the iceberg to the horror roiling beneath the surface and he found himself having to fight to concentrate on the torrent of information that came next. The baby's heart wasn't right. His belly was full of holes. His surgeon thought he had a 20% chance, but Tara thought that was optimistic. She hadn't even needed to say it, he could see it in her eyes. She thought his baby was going to die. The baby he hadn't wanted.

The baby he already loved.

"I can take you to see him now."

Her words cut through his shock and he realized that she was walking toward the NICU. He didn't want to see him. If he was going to die, to die because Jax hadn't done enough to protect him, he didn't want to see him at all.

"Tara."

He walked over to where she stood by the keycard on the door to the secured unit and looked into her tired eyes. He couldn't put his finger on it, was in too much turmoil at the moment to try, but he could see that this was effecting her. He hadn't told her about the baby, hadn't been able to think of a way. Now she was the one dealing with it and his guilt mounted even higher. He should have told her, should have started this new relationship out on an honest foot but he just hadn't known how.

Lowering his voice, his face was open and earnest. "You don't have to do this. I'm sure you've got other patients."

"I asked Dr. Namid if I could assist." She smiled slightly then, wishing he could see inside of her head just for a moment so he could understand how sincerely she meant it when she continued. "I want to help your son."

He smiled back, a flood of emotions coming so hard and strong that he didn't know what to say for a second. How many women would immediately, with no questions asked, jump in to help the former wife and sick baby of the guy she used to be with when he hadn't bothered to tell her about either if them himself?

A feeling of love and appreciation for her welled up huge and bright inside of him and he wanted to give her something, share something that he hadn't said aloud to anyone else. He hadn't even told Gemma yet. "His name's Abel."

Her eyes widened a bit and he knew she got it, understood him enough to get what his words actually meant to him. "It's a good name."

Then there it was, the silent connection crackling between them and it was too much. It was all just too much and he worried that he was suddenly about to snap. Fear, pain, terror, gratitude, love, regret, all of it had coursed through him so hard and fast in the last few minutes alone that his mind suddenly shut down on itself, protecting itself the only way it knew how by locking all of the emotions down. Save for one.

Rage.

His eyes shuttered and she watched as the change in them happened in an instant. It was like he was gone, the vulnerable and open man who'd stood before her just seconds before replaced with the outlaw and fear rippled through her. She'd seen this look in his eyes before and she knew it meant that he was about to rush headlong into the eye of a storm.

Fear seized her. "Jax!"

But it was too late, he was beyond hearing her as he stalked down the hall. He had to hurt someone or he would break apart. Gemma had handed him one of the bags that she'd found at his house, the house that he'd let Wendy keep while he'd gone to live in the clubhouse. They knew it had come from the Hairy Dog. He'd start there.

The rest of the day was a blur of rage and pain and instinct. It was like he was outside of his body, watching as he found the guy he knew was Wendy's dealer and beating him bloody. He wouldn't have stopped, would have kept kicking and kicking and kicking if Chibs hadn't pulled him off. Losing a nut wasn't enough. If his son died, Jax knew he'd finish the job.

The bright afternoon sun had hit him in the face when he'd left, searing his eyes in contrast to the dank bar he'd just left and the violence he'd unleashed within it and his mind went blank. It was like he was on autopilot. The more he put one foot in front of the other, the more he wouldn't have to think about how upside down everything was. This morning he had a baby on the way, a gun arsenal and a general understanding of what his future looked like.

Now he had a baby clinging to life because he'd knocked up a junkie, a house full of drugs, stolen M-4s, no warehouse, 2 dead women, the look on Opie's face when he'd made it clear that his boom expertise was an order from the club, a manuscript of his Dad's that made it sound like everything Samcro stood for was an abomination of his original idea and a mother who was furiously cleaning his house with the bullshit expectation that a baby would be living in it.

Her enthusiasm killed him. Thankfully his attempt to push her away was met with a slap that jarred him out of his adrenaline-fueled fog, clearing his mind enough to make it stop. His mind, his body, everything screeched to a halt. If there was one thing his mother was good at, it was seeing bullshit and refusing to shovel it.

They talked for a while in his kitchen, taking a few hits of the bud his mom sparked and a calmness came over him that had eluded him all day. When she finally left his house and he was able to flush the rest of Wendy's stash, the very last vapors of the anger that had fueled him seemed to go with it, leaving him so exhausted that he could barely drag himself to the bedroom he'd once shared with Wendy. He sank down on the end of the bed, his head hanging. His mom hadn't made it to this room yet and there were clothes and magazines, cigarette butts and food wrappers strewn everywhere. He'd meant it when he'd told his mom that cleaning had never really been her strong suit, but this was more. She'd given up and the evidence was all around him.

He lay back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. He didn't believe in god. But in the last few weeks he had started to see things differently, see signs and omens where he might not have a few weeks ago. Was it a coincidence that, today of all days, he'd found words written by his father? Words that spoke of strength and change? Was it coincidence that Tara was back, just in time to be there to try and help his son?

He fell into a fitful, worried sleep on the bed that used to be his and when he woke up in the morning everything was clear. He knew he had to try to start making a change. Tara coming back had felt like a second chance at his past. His Dad's words were telling him to change the future.

His phone rang in his pocket and he sat up, his back stiff from the awkward way he'd slept. "Yeah?"

"They're operating on Abel's abdomen in an hour. Luann and I are here, you should come down."

Jax rubbed the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. "I have some things to take care of. I'll call you later."

He hung up before she could argue, another nail in the coffin of his guilt that she was down there hoping and wishing for the grandson that she wasn't going to get to hold.

He stretched as he stood up and got on his bike, the raid on the Mayan warehouse weighing heavily on him in his new frame of mind. He had to go and get Opie and then they would be hitting Marcalva Industrial Storage in San Leandro at nightfall to get their M-4s back.

Jax parked a block away from Opie's and started toward his best friend's house. Clay wanted to blow the thing to shit, send a message that you don't fuck with Samcro and Jax was on board with that. The fact that he'd had to force Opie's hand had hurt though. He knew how bad they were hurting for money, knew he could use his cut of this job but he knew his promise to Donna was sincere and going back on it could jeopardize the fragile state of their marriage.

Jax heard the argument before he saw it, coming up on Opie's driveway in time to see Donna fighting a losing battle for the explosives in Opie's hand. Neither of them saw him as Donna realized she'd lost and made her way back into the house, the look of betrayal she directed at Opie breaking Jax's heart.

Opie saw him and his expression turned from resolve to embarrassment. "I didn't hear you pull up."

"I parked down the block. Didn't want to tweak Donna."

Opie met his best friend's eyes. "You catch all that?"

Jax nodded. "Enough."

Opie sighed. "I think she's already tweaked."

Jax wouldn't stand by and watch this happen. Grabbing the bag he made up a plan, told Opie to take his daughter to the ER so it would seem legit if Clay tried to check and walked back to his bike. Able was probably in surgery by now and who knew how much longer he had left. If there was some sort of universal balance, maybe doing the right thing could tip some of that balance in his favor. Instead of doing what he thought was necessary, he was going to start by doing what he knew was right and he was going to start now by not letting his friend lose his wife. He wouldn't condemn him to the life of loneliness that Jax knew waited for him without her.

The look of doubt and disappointment on Clay's face when Jax had fed him the lie though told him that his stepfather didn't agree. He had an agenda, as the club president he had to and it was clearly evident as the night progressed that the agenda included Jax proving something to him, though what he had to prove was beyond him. Somewhere along the line, probably starting with that night on the road to Bluebird when Alvarez ambushed them, Jax could feel doubts from Tig. Now, it seemed, Clay felt them too and a balance would have to be struck between showing them his loyalty was to the club and taking the path of least resistance. He knew he could lead with his head and his heart. They didn't have to be mutually exclusive.

But with the job done, as the flames of the storage compound and the metallic smell of blood filled the air, Jax had never felt so defeated. He'd gotten the call from his mom this afternoon that they were doing the heart surgery today too, had known that his son's life hung by a thread. He'd done his best to do what was right and as he sat in the back of the van he wondered if his efforts to change would be a waste of time. He'd had to kill a man tonight. It was self defense, a kill or be killed scenario and not the first one of that kind that he'd come up against. But, as the van pulled into the clubhouse and Jax got on his bike to head to the hospital it was a shallow consolation that he hadn't ever killed in cold blood. He'd still killed and, tonight of all nights, he felt like he'd somehow traded his son's life for his own.

As he walked into St. Thomas and headed for the second floor he was almost afraid to hear the verdict but he wouldn't run from being a father anymore either. Even if the only thing he would ever do for Abel was bury him, he wouldn't keep failing him. Not anymore.

Turning the corner to the hallway for the NICU, as if she knew he was coming, Tara appeared in his vision and his stomach clenched.

"Is he gonna be okay?"

The smile that bloomed on her face, of pride and relief, told him everything. "He looks good."

His face broke into a grin and he reached for her, crushing her in his arms. She'd saved his little boy. She'd been there to keep the pieces together while his world was shifting all around him, while everything had stopped making sense. He hadn't realized until she'd said the words that he'd still had a shred of hope. A seed of faith that the little guy might just pull through buried in the depths of his heart and the joy that erupted from that seed engulfed him.

She hugged him back and he was suddenly acutely aware of her body pressed against his. She was all around him, the smell of her and the feel of her assaulting his senses. He'd held himself together for the last 24 hours, had done what needed to be done while trying not to think about his dying boy. But being with her tore his defenses down, it always had, and he couldn't reign in the need for her in any longer. Since she'd been back he'd been trying to pretend he didn't still want her, didn't still crave her with every cell in his body. But with his emotions running so incredibly high, he could no more have stopped himself from kissing her then he could have stopped the sun from rising.

Curling his fingers gently around the back of her neck, he brushed a light kiss to her neck. Her fingers pressed into his shoulders harder and her breath caught, ramping up his longing for her to impossible levels. Pulling back slightly, his cheek brushing hers, he let his mouth hover a breath away from her own. He could feel her heart pounding, knew that she was as swept up as he was and it was almost terrifying how it could all still be there, waiting dormant for so long. One touch, one embrace, and instinct had him wanting to take her mouth with his, to bury himself inside of her until he found that place of peace and love that he knew only existed when he was with her.

She took a tiny step back to look into his eyes and something caught them both in the periphery of their vision. He watched as she dropped her attention to her scrubs and a spear of shame shot through him. She was covered in blood that was neither hers, nor his. In his haste to get to the hospital, to find out if his son had survived, he hadn't bothered to change his clothes. Her eyes were wide as she met his again and the passion and need he'd seen in them just seconds ago was gone. It had been replaced with surprise and, if he wasn't mistaken, disappointment and he hated himself. Hated that he was still the man who did outlaw shit with his outlaw club while she looked at him in confusion and fear, wanting to keep his shit at a distance but feeling it keep biting her in the ass anyway.

"Clean yourself up Jax." The censure in her voice was enough to break his heart into a million pieces and without a word he walked down the hall into a bathroom, cleaning off the blood and staring at himself in the mirror. He had no idea who the fuck he was anymore, and yet he was still going through the motions of being Jax Teller. In his mind he was doing the right thing, but here he was, washing blood off of his kutte and wishing he was the man Tara deserved.

When he got out of the bathroom there was no sign of her. It was just as well. He had no idea what he would say and a pretty fair idea that she wouldn't want to hear it. It was like the last year of their relationship was on a fucking loop and they were doomed to repeat it for as long as they were in each other's lives.

A nurse directed him to the NICU and he braced himself, not knowing what to expect. Forcing himself to approach the incubator he looked inside and saw the tiniest human he'd ever seen and his eyes filled with tears. This was his son. Nothing could prepare him for how small he was, how horrible it was to see him bandaged and broken. He almost didn't look real, but that didn't stop the onslaught of love from hitting him like a fucking Mack truck the minute Jax laid eyes on him.

Gemma walked softly in behind him, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder as she watched her own son meet the little fighter that he'd helped to make. "He's perfect." Jax nodded, the tears rolling down his cheeks. He may not have helped this little badass come into the world in any kind of easy way, but he sure as hell would protect him now. With his last breath, he would protect Abel.


	10. Chapter 10

**1994**

"We should probably go. The sun's coming up."

Jax buried his face in her hair, not wanting to let her go. They'd put their clothes on, had every intention of leaving, but instead they'd lain in each other's arms under their tree. They'd talked for a while, punctuated by periods of soft kisses that made both of their bellies simmer. Some of the time they'd just laid there, the silence between them comfortable as they watched the sky slowly lighten. Neither of them wanted the night to end.

Tara smiled and turned in his arms until they were facing each other. His eyes were tired but content and she was sure hers looked the same. Jax thought he'd never seen anything so fucking beautiful in his life than Tara lying in his arms beneath a rising dawn. It was a sight he could definitely get used to.

"How do we do this?"

Jax sighed and brushed an errant strand of hair behind her ear, knowing exactly what she meant. He'd never had a girlfriend before and they weren't exactly the most obvious choices for each other. The biker and the smart girl. There would probably be plenty of weird shit to deal with once they left the cozy security of this meadow and the shadow of this tree but, Jax realized as he gave it some thought, he really couldn't give a shit. All he knew was that he loved the girl in his arms, he would sort the rest of the tangled mess of his mind out later. She got him. On some fundamental level, Tara got him in a way that no one else did and he got her. They may be different, but something about them had clicked into place from the beginning, made him feel like they were alike in more ways than not on some fundamental level.

With a smirk, a memory came to his mind that affirmed that notion.

"I guess we could start with whether or not you're going to kick anyone else's ass for talking to me once we go public with this."

Tara rolled her eyes and sat up. "I was wondering when that was going to come up."

Jax sat up with her and chuckled. "Don't get me wrong, I think a hot chick fighting for me is sexy as hell."

Tara smirked. "Your ego is incredible."

Kissing him on the nose, she got to her feet. She thought she'd be sore today, not just because of everything they'd done but also for the fact that she'd laid on the ground all night. Instead her muscles felt languid and relaxed. As he stood up beside her and took her hand to lead her to his bike she couldn't remember a time when she felt more at ease. His hand was bigger than hers, stronger, and it blew her away as they reached his bike and climbed on how much she trusted him. At the heart of it, she wasn't an outgoing girl. She preferred to be more of an observer, always had. But her life hadn't dealt her a hand that made her trust people so easily. She'd lost her mom at nine, at a time when she couldn't possibly understand it and her dad had buried himself in the bottle. Her next closest family was down state in San Diego. She'd had no one. That didn't make opening yourself up very easy. But with Jax, she had always felt like she could be herself, even when they were kids. When the time came for her to reach out and close the distance between them, it shouldn't have surprised her that they would come together like this, so completely and so instantaneously.

The Sunday morning roads were empty as the soft morning light illuminated the way back to Charming. Jax felt her arms go around his waist as they hit the road and he smiled softly at the how good it felt. She quieted his mind all while arousing his heart and his body. It was the most incredible feeling in the world. With the shit with his family, his life with the club he'd eventually patch into and the legacy of his name he had honestly never thought this would happen to him. Falling in love hadn't even been a consideration. It just went to show that sometimes shit happened in life that you just couldn't control and, in this case, he was glad for that.

Pulling up in front of her house, he cut the engine and smiled at her as she climbed off of the back of the bike and made her way to stand beside him. "Are you going to be in deep shit for coming home at dawn?"

Tara looked over her shoulder at the house and then back to Jax. "Not sure, but I don't really care." She smiled then, the corners of her mouth turning up shyly. "Worth it."

Wrapping his arms around her waist he pulled her too him, tilting his head up for a soft kiss.

"I love you." His voice was soft against her lips but the power of his words made her heart kick up in her chest and she drew away to look into his eyes before she responded, the expression in them humbling. In the quiet, dim light of early morning he was giving her everything. He didn't even need to give voice to the words, she could see that he loved her in those clear blue eyes.

"Tara!"

She whipped her head around to see her dad standing in the doorway, the expression on his unshaven face grim and the answer to whether or not she was in deep shit answered itself.

Turning quickly back to Jax she placed a tiny peck to the tip of his nose, her expression not in the least bit worried.

"I love to too" Her voice was a hurried whisper and then she turned to walk up her driveway. Jax watched as she made her way leisurely past her father, but the man's glare stayed directed solely at him.

He nodded his head in greeting at the older man. "Morning Mr. Knowles."

Tara's father turned on his heal and slammed the front door behind him. Jax shook his head and started up his bike. He wasn't necessarily a stranger to a pissed off dad. Still, the idea that Tara was going to have to suffer those consequences put a ball in his stomach and, if they were going to be together, he didn't really think it would make life easier for them if her dad hated his ass. Looked like the weird shit that went along with being in a relationship had already begun.

As he pulled up in front of his own house he saw his mom's car in the driveway and his heart sank a little further. It was one thing when they'd gotten married and skipped town for a honeymoon. Now he was going to have to start getting used to the day to day of Clay Morrow being his step dad. He'd basically been living with them for the last month, but this was different. They were married now and Clay was here to stay.

He parked his bike and made his way into the house, wanting his bed more with each passing step. He didn't want to talk to his mom and Clay. He wanted to go crash for a few hours and be alone with the torrent of new feelings and thoughts that were rattling around in his head, try to wrap his mind around everything.

He'd apparently used up all of his good luck last night however as his mother's voice called to him from the kitchen at the sound of the front door. "Jax? Is that you?"

He shuffled wearily toward the sound of her voice and found her and Clay at the kitchen table sipping coffee. Her expression was annoyed. "Where the hell you been?"

"Just out. Went to a party, crashed at Opie's."

Gemma's eyes narrowed. "A party at David Hale's house?"

Jackson kept his face neutral in an effort to hide his surprise, but said nothing.

Gemma smirked, his silence answering her question. "Yeah. That goofy little shit's dad called this morning. Said you needed to stay away from his son or next time he would consider legal action."

Jackson's eyes widened in fury. "I never laid a hand on him, the asshole fell on a keg."

Gemma got up and walked over to her son, lovingly picking a leaf out of his wild blonde hair and inspecting it for just a second with a raised eyebrow. "I know baby, he told me all about it. He told me about how you and Opie stormed in and how you instigated a huge fight, which made Opie help his face into the keg. Then he said you ran off with some girl while Opie jumped a back wall. Hale needed stitches."

He eyed her, realizing that his previous story was falling apart around his ears but finding the idea that he would see Hale at school tomorrow with a mouth full of stitches funny as hell. Her smile was positively dripping with artificial sweetness. "Guess you must have met back up at Opie's house then? You know, after you saw your piece of ass for the night safely home."

She flicked the leaf she'd picked from his hair onto the ground to punctuate her point, telling him she knew _exactly_ what he'd been doing last night and it sure as shit hadn't been spending the night with Opie. Jax knew his mother. He knew that her ploy was to catch you by surprise, make you react so you gave yourself away and then she would shred you to pieces. It was an act she'd been pulling on him since birth and he was usually more than up for the game. But he was exhausted and with everything still so fresh in his mind from last night he had to use every last bit of his available strength not to defend Tara. Which, he realized, was what Gemma wanted because she had nothing more to go on than a description of a girl and a leaf in his hair. He'd be damned if he gave her the missing puzzle pieces.

Leaning in to kiss her softly on the cheek, he gave her a small smile. "Welcome home mom. I'm going to bed."

With that he left the room and could practically feel her irritation vibrating behind him. "Don't stay in there all day, we're having a dinner tonight and I expect you to be here."

As he hit the hallway that led to his room he could hear Clay trying to soothe her. "He's sixteen and his parents were out of town, did you expect him to sit home and knit?"

He should have been grateful to Clay for trying, but hearing him refer to himself and his mom as his "parents" stabbed him in the heart and Jax had to restrain himself from slamming the door. Fuck, this was going to be hard.

Collapsing on his bed, not even bothering to take off his shoes, he put his hands behind his head and stared at the ceiling. This weekend had been a roller coaster. Hell, this entire last few weeks had been a roller coaster. This weekend had just been one big ass loop-the-loop. He felt like he'd been running on adrenaline ever since Opie told him she was at Hale's and now, despite his fatigue, he still couldn't close his eyes.

He could still smell her. She didn't smell like sugary perfume or cigarettes or any of the other things chicks usually smelled like, at least around the clubhouse. She smelled clean. Fresh. The memories of how it had felt to be with her, how she had felt against him, came flooding back and his skin practically fucking hummed. He'd known from the first time that he'd touched her, from the way that every nerve in his body became aware of her, that if they ever slept together it would be incredible. As it turned out, incredible was an understatement. Sex he understood. He'd had sex before and what he and Tara had done was something entirely different from anything he'd ever experienced. Feeling a little like a chick, he had to admit, that he and Tara hadn't just had sex. They'd made love.

He hadn't even known he was capable of it. He wasn't a selfish guy, he made sure that anyone he was with had a good time. Not being in a relationship with someone, shit, maybe not even being really clear on their name didn't mean they didn't deserve reciprocity in his bed. If someone wanted to party with Jax, he sure as hell was going to give it his best shot to make it worth their while. But what he'd given Tara was so much more than he even knew that he had to give it almost felt scary. He felt like he'd given her a part of himself, way beyond merely the physical. What made it so intense was that he felt like she'd given him part of herself too, like they'd shared a giving of their souls or something. His thoughts were getting too deep even for him, but there was no other way he could describe it to himself.

_I love you Jackson Teller_

His heart skipped a goddamn beat at the sound of her voice in his mind. She loved him too. The feeling of that wrapped around him, warm and comforting until he finally drifted off to sleep.

The sound of the phone ringing woke him and he looked out of his window to see the sun was high in the sky. He didn't know how long he'd slept, but it had been enough. He felt energized, ready to take on the world.

His mother pounded on his door. "Hey, Sleeping Beauty. Opie's on the phone."

Rubbing a hand over his face to get the cobwebs out he reached for the receiver by the bed and lifted it to his ear. "Hey Ope."

"You hear Hale needed stitches?"

Jax smirked. "Something like that. Shit's pretty fucking funny."

He heard the snicker on the other line. "He's all pissed off, so's his dad. He called my dad this morning talking some shit about a lawsuit."

Jax rolled his eyes. "He called my mom too. Fucking lawyer, it'll blow over."

His answer seemed to satisfy Opie, who hadn't really been overly concerned in the first place, and he changed the subject. "So there's some big dinner at your place tonight?"

Jax sat up and looked at the clock. It was a little past two in the afternoon. Shit, he'd slept forever. "Yeah, my mom said something about a family dinner before I came in and passed out. You guys coming by?"

Jax could hear the amusement in his voice. "Yeah, she said to be there at six. What the hell time did you get home?"

"Pretty fucking late, or I guess I should say early. The sun was up, that's all I know."

"So I assume you and Tara worked out your shit?"

Normally Jax wouldn't hesitate to tell his best friend every dirty detail he wanted to know about how he'd spent his night, but for some reason he wanted to keep it all to himself. Some things were just too personal, he guessed, and he didn't want to let this one go. He knew Opie would want some sort of answer though, so he kept it vague. "We came to an understanding."

Opie laughed, which was both amusing and annoying. He hated that his best friend could see right through him but it was comforting at the same time. In most senses, Opie was his brother and brothers did that. They understood you well enough to piss you off whenever they wanted.

"You gotta give me more than that man, did you guys do the deed or not?"

Jax squirmed, "What the fuck dude, don't you have anything better to obsess over?"

"Nope."

Jax stayed silent for a moment and with a sigh, Opie realized his friend wasn't going to dish the dirt. He and Donna had been together for a while now and he understood where Jax's head was, which was partially why he'd worked so hard to get him to take it out of his ass. He knew how it felt to be in a new relationship, knew that Jax would want to think about and analyze the shit out of it before he felt cool talking about it. That was just the way Jax was. But, that didn't mean he couldn't screw with him just a little.

"At least tell me you're done with the "she's not my girlfriend" bullshit, right?"

Jax was glad that no one was there to see the sappy look that came across his face. "Yeah, we're done with that. Are you finished now?"

Opie laughed again. "Oooooohhh, do you loooove her?"

He'd meant it as a joke, thought for sure it would get a torrent of bluster out of Jax that he could make fun of later but he was met with silence. He knew Jax cared about Tara, knew that he had a crazy ass crush on her, but the continued silence on the end of the line spoke volumes and Opie was actually surprised.

"Shit dude, you love her."

"Yeah." His voice was soft and Opie nodded his head in approval, not that Jax could see it.

"Good on you dude. Seriously."

Jax rolled his eyes. "This is the fucking gayest conversation we've ever had."

Opie chuckled. "See you at six."

Grateful that the conversation was over Jax hung up the phone and hopped in the shower. By the time he came out there were women all over his house helping Gemma get ready for the dinner. A couple of them were putting white streamers and balloons everywhere and a big, white cake had appeared out of nowhere. Jax realized this wasn't just any dinner. This was a reception.

Going into his room, he threw a pair of baggy jeans on over his boxers and sat on the edge of the bed, his hair dripping on his bare chest. He didn't know how he was going to get through this. It had been a slap in the face when his mom up and remarried last week, but at least he hadn't had to watch it. Now, was he going to have to stand around with a big, plastic fucking smile on his face while they fed each other goddamn cake?

His hand shot out to the phone and he was dialing Tara's number before he even realized what he was doing.

On the third ring he almost hung up, realizing that if her dad answered he might not be too thrilled to hear Jax's voice, but a sleepy voice came on the line instead and calm settled over him. She was like a drug, which made him feel nuts but it felt too good to care.

"Hello?"

"Hey."

Tara smiled on the other end of the line. "Hey."

"Did you get busted this morning?"

Tara yawned and he felt better about sleeping half of the day himself. "A little. He was equal parts mad that I was home at dawn and that I came home with a biker but it's cool. I guess that's one good thing about having a dad with no clue how to be one. They're all talk."

Jax didn't know whether to be relieved or to think that was incredibly sad so he left it alone for the moment. They'd be revisiting that one for sure but right now, he had something he wanted to ask her.

"So, listen, my mom is having some kind of wedding reception or something at my house tonight."

Tara could hear the strain in his voice even though it was obvious that he was trying to keep it light. Her dad had never dated anyone very seriously after her mom died, she had no idea how it would have felt if he'd tried to replace her so soon. "Do you want to come over?"

Jax smiled, grateful that she understood how little he wanted to do with this. "Afraid I'm stuck here, my presence has been requested." He closed his eyes, completely confused why he suddenly felt nervous. He'd just spent the night making love to this girl, how was asking her to be his date a big deal? Trying to sound cool, he continued. "If you have better shit to do it's all good but if you wanted to stop over around six that would be cool."

Tara's grin went from ear to ear. "Are you asking me to be your date, Teller?"

Jax laughed softly, his attempt at bravado obviously worthless. "I guess I am."

"Well then, I will be there at six. See you soon."

He hung up the phone, unable to wipe the grin off of his face when there was a knock at his door. Hopping up to pull a t-shirt over his head he walked over to answer it and his smile slipped a notch when he saw that it was Clay.

"Got time to talk son?"

Jax's smile became non-existent. Clay had called him son before, it had always come off as an endearment from older club member to prospective club member. But now it meant something else and Jax didn't want him to call him son. Ever.

Walking back to his bed he sat down on the end of it and watched as his step father walked in, the new president badge on his kutte glaring out at Jax like a neon sign. That had been JT's badge. It still should be.

Clay grabbed the chair to the desk in the room and pulled it around so he could sit backwards on it, wanting to be eye level with Jackson. "I'm sure this whole thing, this instant step dad thing, is pretty fucking weird for you right now."

Jax didn't respond, but looked the older man in the eye. His low, gravely voice was soft, earnest. "If some asshole started dating my mom so soon after my dad died I'd wanna cut his head off."

Jax looked down. He'd known Clay Morrow his whole life. He was First 9 with Piney and his dad. They'd started the Sons of Anarchy together. He'd always thought of him as one of his family and it was weird to suddenly hate him. Weird and exhausting. That didn't mean it wasn't legit and to hear Clay say it was soothing on some infinitesimal level.

"Look kid. No one is gonna hold it against you if you're pissed for a good long while. But the thing is, I love your mom. I love your mom and I would never hurt her. After all the shit she's been through, all the pain and the loss she's suffered, she deserves to be happy. By some weird twist with the universe, she decided that I make her happy. She needs you right now, needs to know you've got her back, so if you wanna hate me I can understand that. But, don't hate her."

With a small smile of supplication, Clay got up and put the chair back where it had come from before he walked back out the door. Jax hadn't said a word directly to Clay since he'd started seeing Gemma and Clay had let him have his space. Coming to him like this though, like a man, was something that he had to unwillingly admit he respected. This was the first time anyone had tried to explain this shit to him at all and it was most definitely the first time someone had acknowledged how fucked up it was outside of his friends. It was grudging, but some of the anger he felt slipped just a notch.

By six o'clock the house was filled. The entire charter was there, including their old ladies as well as the guys from the shop. The kitchen had been set up as a buffet line with a two-tiered wedding cake in the center of the dinning room table. There were candles everywhere. Jax had to admit that the place looked pretty great. He'd stayed in his room the majority of the afternoon, his conversation with Clay running through his mind.

He walked out into the back yard to see people milling around, drinks in hand and having a good time. The stereo was playing, old rock, as the sun started to set low in the sky. Someone had strung some white Christmas lights in the trees and they were just starting to twinkle and glow as the sun dipped just under the horizon, setting the sky on fire with pinks and reds and oranges.

Jax smiled at a few people as he made his way through the group, feeling at home amongst the most important people in his life. All of these people were part of his family and, despite the circumstances, he was always happy to see them.

A tap on his shoulder had him turning around to see Opie, his long arm outstretched with a beer in it for Jax.

"Thanks man."

The two boys stood in the backyard looking around at everyone and sipped their beers. "How you holding up?"

Jax smiled softly. "I don't know."

Opie nodded, needing no further explanation. He had no fucking clue how what Jax was in the middle of would feel so he didn't even try. He would just do what he always did. He would just be there.

As if it was some movie, the crowd split to reveal Tara standing on the patio and Jax felt his heart actually stop as he caught sight of her. Her hair was softly curled, hanging loosely around her shoulders. She wore a long black skirt with a light grey top, tight enough to show off her curves but loose enough to be innocent. The dusky sky lit her softly, the lights in the trees sparkling in her huge, green eyes and Jax felt himself staring but couldn't bring himself to give a shit.

Opie chuckled beside him. "Fuck, you are so whipped."

Jax smiled up at him, not even bothering to argue, and then made his way slowly through the crowd toward her. She spotted him before he was half way there and he watched as a slow smile crept across her face, starting a slow burn low in his belly. God he wanted her again. He would bide his time, behave himself, but before this night was out he would have her in his bed.

Reaching the patio, he stood in front of her and took her hand with a grateful smile. "I'm glad you made it."

Tara nodded, her eyes warm but serious. "I'm glad you asked me."

Leading her slowly through the yard he made introductions, stopping to chat people up, showing her off. Tara felt awkward and out of place, yet proud all at the same time. Jackson Teller was an important person to these people and she didn't miss the look of surprise that came across their faces as he introduced her. It was a small town, there were plenty of people there that she knew by reputation, had seen most of their faces, but she'd never actually met many of them before aside from a passing smile or a quick hello outside of the supermarket. This had never been her world and it was weird to think she had a place in it at the moment.

The high-pitched clanging sound of a spoon on a glass had everyone turning their attention back up to the patio and someone cut the music. Tara felt Jax's hand grasp hers just a bit tighter as she saw Clay and Gemma standing on the patio, the looks on their faces happy and hopeful. Exactly how Tara thought newlyweds should look.

Once he had everyone's attention, Clay started. "I wanna thank everyone for coming by. It's been a strange couple of months and everyone's love and support have meant a lot. I've always felt like the Sons did family better than anyone else. Today, I see that."

Raising his glass, he turned to Gemma. "I want to propose a toast to my wife."

Jax watched as everyone in the crowd raised whatever they were drinking.

He didn't.

"You're the most incredible woman I've ever known. What you see in me I can only guess but whatever it is, I'm glad you do. I love you baby. Thanks for making me the happiest man on earth."

The crowd erupted in cheers and whistles as he tapped his glass to Gemma's and then kissed her softly. Jax couldn't miss the sincerity in Clay's tone, nor could he miss the look of love in his mother's eyes. JT hadn't been around much toward the end and he'd known they had some problems. He was still his dad and that was something no one could replace, which made it hard to understand why it was so easy for his mom to. But, Jax couldn't deny that they were nauseatingly happy.

As the night wore on, he'd see them looking at each other throughout dinner, their expressions speaking volumes. They fed each other cake, smashing it playfully in each other's faces and he found himself actually chuckling with the rest of the guests. Pretty soon everyone ended up outside, most drunk enough to start dancing until the whole backyard had become a dance floor as if it was a real wedding reception and not just an informal celebration dinner.

Clay and Gemma danced in the middle of the throng, so lost in each other that Jax had to wonder if they even knew people were still here, and he understood. Tara had stayed by his side all night, making a funny joke under her breath here and there to distract him or simply just putting her hand in his when she could tell he was struggling. Jackson knew how he felt about her, how deeply he could love her in just two short months, and he had to admit that part of him understood suddenly what had happened with Clay and Gemma. He'd known Tara all of his life, been a part of her world but nothing more than her friend for sixteen years. Then, suddenly, everything had changed and she was the center of his life. The same could be said, he realized, for his mom and Clay. They'd been in each other's lives from the beginning of Samcro and then they'd fallen in love. It could really be as simple as that. If his recent experience had taught him anything it was that you couldn't help falling in love. When it happened it happened and there really wasn't shit you could do about it except hold on for the ride.

He gave Tara's hand a squeeze and let it go. "I'll be right back. There's something I've got to do."

She nodded and watched as he made his way across the yard to where Clay and his mom were dancing, tapping the older man lightly on the shoulder. They stopped and looked at him, an expression of mild concern crossing his mother's face as the people immediately around them began to watch surreptitiously.

He regarded Clay for a beat, his expression utterly serious, and then he slowly extended his hand. Clay's eyes widened just slightly in surprise as he reached out to shake it. Gemma's eyes welled up with tears, but she didn't let them fall.

"Make her happy."

Clay nodded solemnly. "I will."

Jax turned his attention to his mother and smiled, pulling her in for a hug. "Congratulations Mom."

She hugged him tightly, more touched than she could remember being by his gesture. She didn't know when it had happened, but her boy had become a man. Her voice was shaky as she whispered back against his ear. "Thank you sweetheart."

Pulling away, he gave her another smile before he turned and left them to enjoy the rest of their celebration. He met Tara's eyes as he walked back over and saw the approval in them as he took her by the hand and led her to a patch of grass at the corner of the yard, a bit away from everyone, as Van Morrison floated through the air. He drew her into his arms, dancing slowly with her under the lights and the moon, surrounded by the happy voices of everyone in his world and he knew peace.

"What you just did was very sweet."

He pressed his forehead to hers. "I guess you can't stay pissed forever."

Tara smiled. "It was more than that."

He pulled his head back to look into her eyes, his expression growing serious. "I guess I kind of understand how they feel. When you're in love, you're in love."

A slight blush rose in her cheeks and he knew, by far, it was the cutest thing he'd ever seen. Placing a soft kiss to her lips, then another, it didn't take long for the need she always stirred in him to simmer to a boil.

Pressing his lips to her ear he had to tell himself not to take the soft lobe in his teeth in the middle of his mother's wedding reception. "I want you in my bed Tara."

She shuddered slightly and he loved that he could make her feel that way. Placing a kiss of her own against his neck, she practically purred in his ear. "Lead the way."

Taking her hand, he led her through the party and to his bedroom, shutting the door behind him and softly turning the lock.


	11. Chapter 11

Dusky light filled the room Jax had been calling home in the clubhouse, illuminating the dust motes as they danced slowly through the air.

"You weren't kidding when you said you were all about the service."

Jax smiled contentedly at Emily Duncan as she stood at the foot of the bed and pulled her jeans back up over her thong, a cat-that-got-the-cream smile on her face.

He put his hands behind his head and raised his eyebrows. "Now don't forget about our arrangement darlin'. We need you."

She rolled her eyes as she put her shirt back on but she nodded. "I know, I know, I need to let Skeeter take a ride." Grabbing his blanket covered foot playfully from where she stood at the end of the bed, a glimmer came into her eye that said she wasn't quite done with the VP. "I'll help out Samcro. Maybe once this good deed is done you can make me feel a little better about it?"

Jax's smile went from ear to ear, which distracted her from the fact that it didn't come close to reaching his eyes. "I'm never far away."

Satisfied with his answer, Emily Duncan left and Jax let his smile fade. Slowly sitting up, he peeled his kutte off, not loving the way the sweat from his back caused it to stick to his skin. She'd asked him to keep it on, made no attempt to hide the fact that what she wanted was to fuck the vice president. He knew that if anyone even marginally attractive had been wearing that patch she would have spread her legs for that guy just as fast. It wasn't that he didn't appreciate her forthrightness. Some chicks tried to pretend he was the man of their dreams as they fondled his leather. They wanted to be old ladies and it didn't much matter who's. At least Emily was honest, she wanted a quick fuck in the clubhouse in return for doing Skeeter. No harm in that, in his humble opinion.

Standing up he walked to the shower and turned the spray on scalding hot. He hadn't been able to get his head in the game a hundred percent, to let go and have fun like he'd always been able to before. Instead of feeling loose and relaxed like he normally did after sex, he felt irritable and tired. As he stepped into the stall and let the water pummel him his mind wandered back to this morning when he'd gone to visit Abel.

He'd been nervous as all hell to bump into Tara, had no clue what he would say to her about last night. He'd played it over and over in his head, the electricity that had snapped to life so unexpectedly between them still humming inside of him hours later. He'd barely been thinking about Emily while she was here, let alone now that she was gone and yet an almost kiss with Tara had his heart rate up for an hour after it had happened. Since Tara had been back this was the first crow eater that he'd nailed and he supposed, with everything going on, it really shouldn't surprise him that he wasn't satisfied. He'd been living in the past for a few weeks now, letting feelings bubble up that had long since been buried and it stood to reason that he would find the touch of another woman lacking with the feel of Tara's arms around him still so fresh in his mind.

Smacking the shower off, he felt his mood turn darker. Goddamn Tara Knowles.

When he'd gotten to the hospital she was in Abel's room and the nerves in his stomach went crazy, making him feel like a teenager again. They'd talked outside if the NICU, keeping things to Abel's recovery. He'd have to be in that toaster for a few months, but it didn't seem like he had any brain damage. Jax couldn't wait to hold him, wanted to bring his son home. As long as they were talking about the baby, they were on even ground and he asked her all of the questions that had been running through his mind.

With that topic exhausted though, they fell into an awkward silence and he knew he had to bring it up. Their non-encounter started to feel like the elephant in the goddamned room. He wanted to start by explaining the blood, but had no idea how he could. He wasn't going to tell her everything, he'd learned from the past that less was more with her. But he had to tell her something, feel her out to see what she her thoughts were about what had nearly happened just before.

"Hey look-" His face had grown serious as he walked over to one of the chairs that sat up against the wall in the observation room. A look of panic flashed through her eyes and he knew that she was aware he was changing the subject away from the baby. "I'm sorry about last night. I wasn't-"

"I really don't want to know."

Her voice had come out softly, but her eyes were firm as she shut him down, stopped him from drawing her back in.

His breath coming out on a resigned sigh, he dropped his eyes from hers. "Yeah."

He'd expected it, but it still didn't stop the little light of hope that he'd had in his heart, the one deep inside that he hadn't wanted to admit was really there from flickering out and dying. She had stopped wanting to be a part of his world even before she'd left, stopped wanting to know what happened when he picked her up with cuts on his knuckles or when he was gone on a run for a few days at a time. She'd stopped asking questions, told him the less she knew the better and the distance between them had grown until he'd lost her and it looked like she intended, as far as they were concerned, to stay lost.

Whether she wanted to be with him again or not, it didn't really matter. He'd never thought he would see her again. The fact that she was back had meant things to him that he still didn't know if he could express and he would just have to settle in with the fact that no matter how much he felt everything that she still stirred in him, even he wasn't sure how much he wanted from her. There was a lot of fucking hurt under that bridge and it might not be a bad idea to keep his distance for a while, to concentrate on himself and the changes he was trying to make in his own head.

The silence stretched between them for a minute before Jax smiled up at her.

His mood change threw her off balance and she smiled back at him in confusion. "What?"

Jax shook his head. "Just figured you'd land a million miles from this place. You always hated it here."

Tara took a breath and he could tell she was choosing her words carefully. "No, I didn't hate Charming Jax, just me in it at the time."

"Yeah." He didn't miss the haunted look that came into her eyes and a sadness started to grow in him. He knew, to some degree, that she hated who she thought he'd turned her into. Before him she'd never been in trouble, never gotten caught for anything more intense than skipping a class. The year before she left they got busted together no less than three times and she hadn't been shy about blaming him for it on her way out of town. She was a big girl, he'd never put a gun to her head to make her do anything, but he couldn't help but blame himself too.

"Looks like Wendy's gonna be okay."

He could tell by the abruptness in her tone that she was changing the subject and he had gladly let her as she took a seat beside him. "Define okay."

"We're taking her through a sedated detox. She'll be out for a couple days."

Jax nodded, the guilt and regret flooding him anew at the mention of Wendy's treatment. He would go to his grave feeling responsible for it. He hadn't put the needle in her arm, but he sure as hell could have done something to keep it out of there. Between Wendy's downfall and the mention of Tara's near miss with a life of crime he was starting to feel pretty fucking shitty and totally fucking alone.

"You two…are you together?"

Jax shook his head, so mired in his thoughts that he missed the falsely unaffected way that she posed the question as she fished for the clarification she'd been dying for. "No, I filed over a year ago. She got clean about 10 months back. We tried to reconcile. Didn't work out too well."

Tara's smile was friendly and understanding, and had he been paying the least bit of attention he would have seen the glimmer of genuine pleasure just at its edges. "Well, it looks like one good thing came out of it."

"Yeah. Yeah I guess it did." He peered up over his shoulder in the direction of his baby boy and let the smile he had for the little guy spread across his face. No matter how fucked up things were in his mind right now, no matter how torn up he was about the unresolved shit that Tara's return had stirred up or the bullshit that Wendy had pulled, at least he had Abel. That tough little shit had survived and he owned Jackson's heart.

He'd turned his attention back to her, saw her mind working away and wished for one more moment that she would let him in. It was going to take getting used to, having her around and not being on the inside of those thoughts. It only reaffirmed that what he needed from Tara right now was distance.

"I should get going."

She nodded thoughtfully at him. "Yeah, I'm late for rounds."

He leaned forward to stand up, but smiled sincerely at her before he did, laying a hand on her leg. "It's good to have you back."

He felt like a broken record but he didn't know what else to say. Somehow, _I don't think I've ever stopped loving you but I can't be around you either_ didn't seem like a good choice. Standing up he walked out, missing the longing gaze she directed at his retreating back because he was working on ridding his face of a longing look of his own.

So he'd fucked Emily Duncan and the loneliness had only grown. If he was being honest, it wasn't like he hadn't enjoyed it. A roll in his sheets was fun and he had nothing against spending a little recreational time with the fairer sex. But Tara coming back was still screwing with his head. He'd been wanting more out of his life ever since she'd gotten here, but if he was being honest, it had started before that. He'd been getting tired of his empty bed and dodging unnecessary bullets for a while now. Tara coming back had just made all of those pieces fit together so he could look at them clearly.

As Jax left the clubhouse to go stage the Lodi crime scene with the bodies Skeeter had given them in exchange for Emily he just hoped she followed through with her end of the deal. Tig and Clay were being more and more open about their annoyance with him whenever he tried to take a more passive route. He'd practically had a mutiny from Tig on his hands when he suggested that they fake a murder to throw the forensic unit off of the warehouse instead of hunting down two Nords to send a message to Darby. The important thing at the moment was getting the two women out of the rubble so Tig's DNA wouldn't point the law back to Samcro. Jax knew muddying that shit up with a couple murders just to send a message to Darby would complicate shit way more than necessary.

He'd convinced the guys to take the easier road this time, but the look Clay and Tig had exchanged told him that wouldn't always be the case. Starting up his bike he heard Clay's words run through his mind again.

_Don't make me regret this._

He knew he was coming up against Clay a lot lately, knew everyone thought it was because of some weird guilt shit with his kid, but it was more than that. His father had written, "Most of us were not violent by nature, we all had our problems with authority, but none of us were sociopaths. We came to realize that when you move your life off the social grid, you give up the safety the society provides. On the fringe, blood and bullets are the rule of law and if you're a man with convictions, violence is inevitable."

His words rung so true that Jax couldn't stop thinking about them. He'd done more for his cause, for his club, in the last few years than he'd even known himself capable. He'd fought, he'd stolen and he'd killed, all in the name of survival. Not just for himself and his brothers, but for what they stood for. But was it really inevitable? Did it always have to be the violent way, or was it possible to work within your nature and still maintain the way of life that strayed from the rest of the world? He knew he needed a change, but his dad had wanted to change Samcro all the way back then and the problems he wrote about were the same. It would take some pushing against the grain to get the changes to happen and he understood that wasn't comfortable, but the time was right. He felt it.

With the murder staged and enough thoughts running through his head to last a lifetime, Jax made his way over to his mother's house for a family dinner. She'd wanted to put it together before Abel was born, but now that the little guy was out of the woods it seemed like a good time.

The house smelled like home cooking as he walked in and a pang of longing hit him hard low in his belly. Gemma saw him and smiled as he made his way to her, kissing her on the cheek before he grabbed a basket of rolls and walked it over to the table. Everyone was there, his whole family both blood and brotherhood, but the feeling of loneliness that had plagued him ever since he'd nailed Emily sat unmoving over his heart.

Looking around at the people at the table, he couldn't help but notice the people that weren't there. He missed Opie, missed his best friend.

And he missed Tara.

Looking up at Clay and Gemma as they stared into each other's eyes, sharing a soft kiss just as they'd been doing since they'd gotten together ten years ago he couldn't help but smile at them. Fuck, he wanted that too. To have that one person who you shared everything with, who loved you completely and stood by your side even when your side got crazy. Right now, that seemed farther away than it ever had. He was older now, wiser and not ashamed to admit to himself that he wanted love. Not afternoon fucks with his kutte on but soul deep, no holds barred love. He'd married Wendy because he was chasing that but now that Tara was back he was reminded of what truly being in love had felt like and it actually physically fucking hurt to think about. With all the women he'd been with in all the time since she'd been gone, he was starting to think that maybe lightening didn't strike twice.

"Jax, can you pass the corn?"

Bobby's voice brought him out of his reverie and he passed him the bowl, the enthusiastic look on his brother's face at the sight of the food breaking through his melancholy a bit and he chuckled affectionately at his friend. He looked around the table and realized that he had a kind of love right in front of him. These people, this family, held a place in his heart that was unshakable. He would do anything for them. Soon, his son would be home and along the way, he'd find a woman who would stand beside him, but for now, he'd find solace in the family he'd been born into. He took a forkful of food, feeling his spirits lift a bit as he put all of his stress on a shelf in his head, just for a little while, so he could enjoy it.

As morning dawned over Charming, the doctors at St. Thomas brought Wendy out of sedated detox. Tara waited until she had the all clear to round on her. Wendy had taken an almost fatal overdose after Abel's surgery and Tara knew, down to her bones, where she'd gotten the fix. All she had to do was get confirmation.

Walking into her room, a hospital admin and a member of the hospital's legal team flanked her bed as she read over a form on a clipboard. Tara stood back, giving them space. She knew they wanted an accounting of how she'd come into possession of the drugs and that she would have to sign something stating that the hospital wasn't responsible for her actions.

As she waited for Wendy to be alone again, she let her mind wander to yesterday. It was getting harder and harder for her to pretend, especially to herself, that there wasn't still something there for Jax and yesterday she'd felt the façade slip just a bit more.

She'd been at war with herself ever since Josh, ever since she'd fled Chicago to come back to the only place she'd ever felt safe. On some level she knew that she felt safe here because of Jackson. She wasn't an idiot. He was one of the most influential members of the Sons of Anarchy for Christ sakes and he used to be in love with her, just as she'd been in love with him. But, the other part of her, the part that had torn herself from the life they were building together, was terrified to step back. If she let herself, she knew that all it would take was a baby step to fall back as deeply as she had been and she didn't want that. Didn't want to be an old lady with a rap sheet. At the time, she hadn't wanted to become Gemma. But now, looking at the quiet, broken woman in the hospital bed with the crow on her arm she saw that she'd only narrowly escaped becoming Wendy.

But would that have really happened? She'd been so desperate to be with him that she'd allowed herself to succumb to her own basic impulses, to throw caution and logic to the wind and go along for the ride. But they'd been children and if yesterday was even the slightest indication, Jax had grown into an incredible man. Talking about Abel, his face had immediately bloomed so full of love that her heart melted. He loved his son, completely and utterly. She shouldn't have been surprised. Even when they were kids she knew that a part of his make up was when he loved, he loved completely and without reserve. But this was different. This was a complete, total love that he wasn't afraid to show. He had no thought to pride or appearance when he talked about his son, There was no holding back the flood of emotion that overtook him and it took her breath away. Seeing who he'd grown up to be and knowing that she what she was capable of accomplishing, who was to say where they would have ended up if they'd stayed together?

Wendy signed her name on the dotted line and the people in her room left, giving Tara her chance. "Feeling better?"

Wendy kept her eyes low. "Little dopey, so to speak."

"When you're feeling stronger, I'll take you to see your son."

Wendy's voice was quiet, but Tara didn't miss the fear in her eyes. "Yeah, okay."

Looking up for the first time, she met Tara's eyes and the sadness in them was haunting. "Has Jax been around?"

Tara shook her head, hating herself for the lie but not wanting to get into the middle of things with them. "I don't know."

Wendy dropped her gaze again and Tara changed the subject to the one she'd come in here to discuss. "They said you had a friend smuggle in that syringe of meth."

"Yeah, I just signed the affidavit." Wendy's eyes didn't meet Tara's and she knew it was a lie. "Hospital's a little nervous about liability issues."

Wendy looked back up at Tara, who nodded her head dramatically. "I'm sure they are."

Silence fell between them, both knowing that the bullshit Wendy was shoveling was stinking up the room. Then, inexplicably, Wendy chuckled.

Tara was caught off guard. "What?"

"The two women who loved Jackson Teller. Could we be at more opposite ends of the shit spectrum?"

Tara shook her head. "Yeah, we're not that different."

Wendy rolled her eyes. "Save it sweetheart, I don't need a pep talk, I know what I am."

Wendy hadn't been around when Tara was, didn't know the first thing about her, so she let her disbelief slide. She wasn't about to fill in all the blanks about how she'd nearly destroyed her future because she'd been so wrapped up in a boy that she'd stopped thinking past the moment. Isn't that what junkies did? Wendy's drug of choice was meth, but Tara's had been Jax and any addiction had the ability to destroy everything.

Instead of saying any of that to the stranger in front of her though, Tara continued on. She knew Gemma was behind this and she wanted the truth. "So do I and you're not suicidal. You didn't have anyone smuggle in that dose. I have a pretty good idea who might have delivered it."

"Don't go down that road." Wendy dropped her eyes away again, but Tara saw the fear.

She pushed harder. "She the one who injected you?"

"No!" Wendy's face was full of righteous indignation but it barely disguised her fear and Tara's frustration grew.

"I stared at that 5 mil tube for over an hour and then I pumped it into my favorite vein, end of story."

As Tara looked at Wendy, she realized that at least that part of the story was true and it confused her even more. How could anyone be so weak? How could anyone with a baby who was fighting for his life choose that option? She wouldn't out Gemma, she seemed reluctant to even see Abel, she'd tried to kill herself and it made Tara sick.

Tara couldn't understand any of it and her confusion showed. "Why?"

Wendy thought a moment and then chuckled softly again at the exasperation in the other woman's tone. "God, if you don't know why then you and me…are nothing alike."

The two women regarded each other for a moment before Tara realized there was really nothing more to say and she nodded, picked up Wendy's chart and slowly left the room. She and Gemma had always had a complicated relationship, but it hadn't been all bad until she had graduated. She'd been in Gemma's inner circle, which meant that Tara was one of the family. She hadn't realized how much she'd missed having a mom, how good it felt to have someone notice anything you said or did. She knew that underneath the affection was a healthy dose of suspicion, knew that by keeping her close she had a better chance of keeping her eye on the girl running around with her precious baby, but once she'd come around the idea that Tara was there to stay she'd treated her like a daughter.

That was until Tara had graduated high school, gotten into college, and tried to get Jax to go with her. Gemma had turned on her like a rabid dog and the final showdown hadn't been pretty, but she'd survived it. Wendy's refusal to come up against Gemma was something, having lived through her own trials with the woman, that Tara didn't understand.

Her cell phone rang in her pocket and she picked it up to see a Chicago number as she placed it to her ear. "Hello?"

"Hey! I'm glad I'm not sick, you're a tough doctor to track down."

Everything in her body turned to ice as fear flooded her system at his voice and she snapped the phone shut as quickly as she'd answered it. How the fuck had he gotten her number? Did he know where she was? It felt like the room was spinning around her and every impulse in her body suddenly told her to run, run like hell, but she couldn't move her legs.

And just like that, in that instant, she understood Wendy. Everyone had their breaking point, that thing in this life that was insurmountable. They might not have been the same things, but Tara knew what it was to turn and run when something got to be too much. Hell, this wasn't even the first time she'd done it.

Calmly, she placed her phone back into her pocket and walked down the hall to round on her next patient as if nothing had happened with her heart slamming painfully in her ribs. She walked through the rest of her day trying to fight the urge to look over her shoulder. How could she have been so stupid? Josh Kohn was an ATF agent, a trained cop and he was bat shit crazy. He would have been able to find her anywhere, she was sure of that, but she hadn't necessarily made it difficult. But what was she supposed to do, run to a backwater place where no one knew her and hope to god that she could fight him once he eventually came for her? Or go someplace where she had ties, friends even, and stand her ground?

The thought that he would just back off and leave her alone had ceased to be a viable thought the day he'd been served with the restraining order and he'd come to her apartment, banging on her door in a rage and threatening to kill her. A neighbor had called the cops and he'd been long gone by the time they'd come but it didn't matter, her bags were already halfway packed. A couple phone calls and good word from her attending and she was on her way back to Charming.

It had been dark when she got into town and drove the rental car to her dad's. The place was paid for and she'd hired a guy to come and look in on it occasionally until she figured out what to do with it. She hadn't had the heart yet to sell it. The memories she'd had with her father hadn't necessarily been happy, but it was the last place she'd ever called home.

Walking inside had been like a time warp. Her dad never threw anything away and every room was filled with memories, knick knacks and reminders of where she'd come from all while feeling like the most foreign place on the planet. In the silence, surrounded by the belongings of a man she'd felt connected to only by blood, she'd never felt more alone.

She jumped at every noise. She knew she hadn't been followed, knew that only a handful of people had any idea where she was and that information wasn't public record. There was no way Josh could have found her so quickly but every creek, every groan, still put her nerves on edge.

In that shadowy house filled with ghosts of her past, the thought suddenly crossed her mind that if something happened to her there would be no one to notice. She'd built a life after Charming that was designed to keep people out and pretty soon her walls had gotten so high and thick that she realized she was totally alone. She'd picked up the phone and called the Charming police department. It was late and she almost hung up at the thought that some switchboard operator would likely be the person to answer, but a smile touched her lips for the first time in weeks when David Hale had answered the phone. There were some things about small towns that she'd always appreciate. Talking to him was easy, as if ten years had never passed. It was nice to hear the genuine happiness in his voice that she was back. She'd never made friends again like the ones she'd had here, lifelong friends who could pick right up where they left off with you as if no time had passed. She'd felt better immediately when she'd hung up, finally able to fall asleep.

With her pistol cocked and ready on her nightstand just in case.

As if summoned by her thoughts, David walked up to the nurse's station where she stood and brought her back to the present, his face a mask of frustration. He was working on catching the animal who'd raped Oswald's daughter at Fun Town, but as far as Tara could tell the family was stonewalling him and it genuinely frustrated him. As long as Tara had known David she'd always known him to have a deep sense of justice. As a kid that had made him kind of a stick in the mud and she smiled at all of the times that something either she or Jax did pissed him off. But there was something comforting about his consistency as well and she'd always trusted him.

Biting back her fear, trying to keep her expressions relaxed, she asked him about her restraining order and found a little relief in his promise to make general calls to see if it would still be good from Chicago to Charming.

As he walked away she tried to tell herself that it was going to be okay, but she knew that it wouldn't. If Josh Kohn was calling her, then he was looking for her. She'd changed her number, hell she'd even changed cell phone carriers. He'd put work in to be able to make that phone call, but how much? He was a federal agent for god sakes, it was probably nothing to find a new cell phone number for someone with the systems access he had. Which meant he knew exactly where she was and now all that was left to do was to sit and wait for him.

Her instincts wanted her to run to Jax, but she discarded the thought just as quickly as it had come to her. He had his own shit to worry about, an entire life that didn't involve her, and she had no idea what she would say to him.

_Hey, I know that things between us are tense at best but could you do me a favor and beat up my ex boyfriend please? Oh yeah, and he happens to be a federal agent, is that a problem?_

Closing the chart that she'd been looking at she slid it back into its slot behind the nurse's station and walked in the direction of the on call room, exhaustion suddenly hitting her so fiercely that she could barely shuffle her feet. There was nothing to do now but wait. If he'd found her, he would come for her and when that happened she would handle it.

Though at this point, she had no fucking clue how.


	12. Chapter 12

**Thank you, everyone, who is enjoying the story and taking time to leave feedback. I'm glad that you like it! I've always wanted to write something that wove Jax and Tara's history in with the first season of the show because I always kind of felt that their relationship came full circle in that season, like they were reliving a lot of their past but trying for a different outcome with the advantages of age and time under their belts. Anyway, I hope you continue to enjoy it, I intend to move the story forward a bit faster from this point on. Please let me know what you think:)**

**1994**

Jax lay on his side in his bed, his leg between Tara's legs, as he looked down into her eyes and stroked her hair lovingly away from her face. The party raged on in his backyard, but they may as well have been the only two people on the planet. They'd fallen into his bed immediately once they'd reached his room and made love as passionately as the first time.

Reaching up, the glow of what they'd just done warming her skin, Tara brushed her knuckles down his cheek and smiled lightly. "I don't wanna go to school tomorrow."

He chuckled and dipped his head to brush tender kisses over her forehead, her eyebrows, her nose, as he murmured softly. "Fuck school, let's just stay here for the rest of our lives."

She smiled as his lips found her mouth, returned the gentle kisses he pressed there as she lifted her hand again, this time to run her fingers through his soft blonde hair. He shuddered slightly, but she didn't miss it and she locked the feeling of it away in her heart for later. Nothing in this world could make her feel the way that did. Knowing how she could make him feel, knowing that he wanted her so much, cared for her so much, that his body shivered in response to her was the most incredible feeling on earth, and she'd discovered a lot of pretty incredible feelings over the course of the last couple of months.

Soon their kisses grew deeper, though the speed that he took her mouth was still completely unhurried. He wanted to take his time, to fill every part of her with himself as he plunged his tongue, playfully at first then more and more deeply, to stroke hers. The low groan in her throat drove him fucking insane, made him physically ache for more, as he lowered his hand from her hair down the side of her face, down her neck until it rested on her breast.

Pulling his head back he lowered it immediately to her nipple, his heart slamming in his ribs when she took in a shaky breath and fisted her hands in his hair. He felt himself getting hard again but paid no attention to the disbelief his mind felt at that. She had a power over his body and his heart that he'd never felt before and at the moment he didn't give a damn about analyzing it.

Placing a trail of kisses to her breast up to her collarbone and neck and finally coming back to her mouth he paused, his crystal blue eyes finding hers, his voice whispering. "I need you again."

It was her turn to tremble this time and she took his mouth as a means of answering him.

Reaching over to the box on his nightstand, he tore open a new condom and rolled it on before he positioned himself over her, loving the way it felt when she automatically opened her legs to let him settle between them. She wrapped them around him, locking them at the ankle while she ran her hands lightly up and down his back. The size and strength of him over her was intoxicating, she loved feeling the bunch of his muscles, the solidness of his arms as they wrapped under her shoulders.

He buried his face in her neck and slid inside of her with an agonizing slowness. He would have bet his life that she was sore, but if she was her body didn't let on as she clamped warm and wet around him and they found their rhythm.

She turned her head, tugging his earlobe with her teeth and making him groan, his thrusts staying gentle but growing erratic at the sensation. "You feel so good inside me Jackson."

Something about the way she said his full name, the way it whispered across his ear on the deep, throaty sound of her voice put him on the brink. Without warning, he flipped her over so that she was on top, needing a break in the pace or it was going to be over embarrassingly quickly, especially considering that they'd already done it less than half an hour ago.

She straddled him, loving how deeply she could feel him this way. The sight of her on top was almost too much and as he reached up to take her breasts in his hands he wondered if he hadn't made a tactical error in an effort to slow himself down. Her inexperience showed as she sat motionless for a second, but then she reached forward to grab the headboard for leverage and began undulating her hips in such a sweet back and forth that he tipped his head back and moaned, not giving a fuck who heard it. Dropping one hand to work on her with his thumb, he dropped the other to cup her from behind, helping her ride him when his ministrations with the other hand brought her closer and closer to the edge he'd been dancing on since she'd taken his earlobe in her mouth.

He felt her walls start to quiver, felt her legs clamp tighter on either side of him and he watched as she gave in. Her skin was damp and flushed as a small cry escaped her lips and he pushed himself up to take her in his arms just in time to bury his face in the curve between her neck and her shoulder and come with her.

They sat wrapped up in each other for a few seconds, catching their breath, before he lifted his head and looked into her eyes. She pushed his damp hair away from his face and laughed, "Are you trying to kill me Teller?"

His body felt so thoroughly spent that he understood what she meant and he couldn't help but laugh too. "Not if you kill me first."

Scooting them so they could lay down he pulled out of her to get rid of the condom and then tucked her under his chin, holding her as close to himself as he could under the covers. She fit perfectly, every curve and swell hitting him in all the right places and found himself getting drowsy. With her cuddled up to him, warming his bed, he was pretty sure he'd be able to sleep through an apocalypse.

She could feel herself getting sleepy too, feel the soft mattress beneath her and the comforting heat coming off of his bare skin and she knew she'd better get up before she spent the night and her dad came looking for her with a shotgun. "I should go."

Jax pulled her closer, the idea of her leaving now making him want to whimper like a little bitch. She felt so fucking good, so right, in his bed. "Stay."

She smiled and placed a kiss to his chest. "I have to, it's late. My dad will be back by now."

Jax loosened his hold on her enough so that he could pull back to look in her face, remembering the conversation they had earlier on the phone. " Is everything okay with that? With your dad?"

She looked at him in confusion. "You mean with me coming home at dawn?"

He nodded. "Yeah that, and I don't know, everything I guess. You said something earlier that just got me wondering if you guys are cool."

Tara rolled her eyes. "I guess. Mostly he's a little on the absentee side but certain things can still make him try to act like a dad. I'm sure coming home in the wee hours two nights in a row will fall into that category but he's all bark, trust me."

He searched her face but couldn't see any reason to believe she was underplaying anything and let it pass. He knew guys who were drunks, hung out with them at the clubhouse from time to time. Some of them were harmless while some of them...well, he'd just keep an eye on it.

Pressing a kiss to her forehead, he let her get up and enjoyed the view as she pulled her clothes back on. Her hair was messy and wild, her lips swollen and he knew if anyone saw her there would be no doubt what they'd been up to. He could only imagine what he looked like, but he was a guy and at the end of the day he didn't really give a shit.

Sitting up he pulled her back down onto the bed and kissed her one last time, running his hand through her hair so he could cup the back of her head. "I'm gonna miss the fuck out of you."

She sighed against his mouth, knowing the feeling. "We'll see each other tomorrow at school."

His expression turned sly and flirty. "Gonna be tough to keep my hands off of you. Might need a quickie in the bathroom."

She smacked him playfully on the arm and got up, heading for the door. "See you in the morning Jax."

"Tara."

She turned at the gentleness in his voice, her hand on the doorknob, and her heart melted at the wistful expression in his blue eyes. "I love you."

Turning the knob and opening the door she smiled lovingly at him. "I love you too Jackson. With all my heart."

She walked through the door and turned to leave, her head so far on cloud nine that she didn't see the solid form in the hallway before she plowed headlong into it. Looking up to apologize, her heart stopped.

Gemma smirked at her mirthlessly. "What's your rush sweetheart?"

Tara had no idea what to say. Gemma Teller, now Morrow, was an intimidating woman on a good day. She'd never want to be on her bad side. Now that she was with Jax that held even more true and this was not a good first impression. She knew she looked like she'd just spent the last hour having her way with the woman's son. Had she heard her say I love you also?

At a loss for what to say and feeling more and more stupid by the second Tara tried to smile. "Congratulations on your marriage Mrs. Morrow. It was a wonderful party."

Gemma's eyes narrowed. "Save it honey. I've been watching you with my son all night. You seem like a nice girl, so I'm gonna set you straight. Save you some heartache. You may think you feel something for him, that he feels it for you too, but that boy's already been around the block so many times I doubt there isn't a piece of ass he hasn't seen. You're a distraction, a temporary toy to fill the time."

Tara stared at her, stunned speechless as the older woman walked past her. Just before she made it to the end of the hall she turned back. "Trust me. Don't get too attached. It will make it easier when he moves on."

Tara felt sick.

Picking up the pace she was practically running when she walked out of the front door and got into her car to head home. All she had to do was think about the way Jax looked at her, think about the look in his eyes as he'd told her he loved her and the gentle way that he touched her to know that Gemma was full of shit, but why would she say something like that?

As she pulled into her driveway and walked in, her dad mercifully asleep on the couch, she couldn't help but wonder if his mother knew something that she didn't. Was she so blinded by love that she couldn't see she was being played? She closed the door to her bedroom and physically shook her head to wipe the thought away. She knew Jax, on a fundamental level, she knew him. He wouldn't go to these lengths just to get into her pants, it wasn't his style. Was it?

As she lay down on her bed and felt her eyes begin to droop she couldn't help but feel the tiny seed of doubt. Did she actually know his style though? She knew Jax was experienced, he'd basically told her that himself. But she'd stopped shy of really wanting to know how experienced he was and with few exceptions she really didn't even know the girls he'd been with. She was sure there were a lot, but would he put months into them before hand?

She fell asleep with uneasiness around her heart that she couldn't shake and anger at Gemma for putting it there in the first place.

As night crept into morning Jax felt as if he'd just fallen asleep when a small smack to the top of his head jarred him back awake.

"What the fuck?" Looking up irritably he saw his mother standing over him in her robe, a cup of coffee in one hand with a cigarette balanced between her fingers.

"You're gonna be late for school."

For just a second he contemplated saying fuck it and going back to sleep, but then he realized that he wouldn't be able to see Tara if he did that.

Sitting up slowly, he ran a hand over his face and through his hair.

Gemma smirked. "Wow, no bitching and moaning about wanting more sleep? You must really wanna go see little Ms. "I-love-you-with-all-my-heart."

Jax looked at her in confusion. How the fuck did she know? Was she listening with a stethoscope at his door last night? He tried to remember if the door to his bedroom had been opened or not when Tara said that. Even if it had, with the noise from the party still pumping from the yard his mom would have had to be in the hallway to overhear, which meant she would have run into Tara on her way out of his room.

The look on his mother's face was one he'd never seen before and it was hard for him decipher. She looked the way she always looked when she knew something that she wasn't necessarily supposed to, but it was more than that. She almost looked worried. A small feeling of dread began to weave its way through his system and he met her eyes.

"What did you say to her?"

Gemma's expression turned to one of pure innocence. "When? When she was running out of my house after banging my son during my own wedding reception?"

Jax leveled his mother with his eyes and she was stricken with the menace in them despite the low and measured tone in his voice. "What did you say?"

She sat down on the edge of his bed and looked at him. He looked more and more like JT every day and now with the fresh look of love in his eyes it was almost unbearable. She'd heard that Knowles kid say that she loved him last night, or more specifically that she loved him _too_, and it had made her blood run cold with fear. Jackson was the rightful heir to the club, would sit at the head of the table someday and he didn't need some girl turning his attention away from that prize at such a vulnerable age. He could prospect in a year, be a patched member by the time he was out of high school and that was going to take a lot of his time. What if this little bitch didn't want him spending all of his spare time around the clubhouse? She knew how easily a woman could manipulate a man into giving them exactly what they wanted. She knew it all too well.

"I didn't say anything to her baby, but I know what _you_ said. You're only sixteen. You have no idea what love is and I don't want to see you get your heart broken."

His face softened. "I know what I'm doing mom. I'll be fine, I promise."

Gemma shook her head. "That's what everyone thinks when they get into something new, then you don't see it coming when it bites you in the ass."

Jax smiled, his eyes dancing with humor. "Mom, I know I'm only sixteen but I'm not a kid. Fuck, even when I _was_ a kid I wasn't a kid. I've seen more shit than most people have who're double my age, don't you think I can handle getting bit in the ass or not on my own?"

Her expression grew sober. "I don't care if you're a hundred and three, you will always be my baby."

Jax nodded, a smirk filled with genuine affection on his face. His mom may have been complicated and a little intense sometimes, but she loved him completely and he understood that. "Tara's a good girl mom. You have to give her a chance."

Standing up she dropped her cigarette into her coffee, clearly deciding that she no longer wanted either of them as a resolute expression took over her features. "Well then, let's have her over for dinner in a few days. We can get to know each other."

From any other mother the offer would have been a compromise but Jax knew that having Tara to dinner would be like throwing her into a viper den. Still, it was a hurdle he could tell he wouldn't be able to avoid and he nodded his head. "Okay."

She nodded her head and left him to get ready for school. It didn't take him long to shower and throw on a flannel with some jeans before he got on his bike and headed for Charming High. His own eagerness was amusing even to him. He wasn't just going to be on time for school, he was actually going to be early. If only he and Tara had gotten together freshman year, he'd probably have perfect attendance.

Pulling into the parking lot, he cut his engine and tossed his helmet onto the handlebars. The parking lot was half full with cars for the band kids and the teachers along with some of the early birds that had zero hour classes but it was still pretty empty.

Walking through the front entrance, he thought maybe he'd grab a coke from the vending machine when the office door banged open behind him. "Teller. A word."

Jax turned to see Mr. Samson standing in the doorway, his expression serious. As he walked toward the vice principal he saw a glimmer in his eye that set Jax's nerves on end. Triumph? Anticipation? He couldn't put his finger on it but as he fell in line behind him and realized he was being taken into the principal's office he figured he would find out soon enough.

Mr. Samson opened the door and Jax walked in. Mr. Welks was sitting at his desk and motioned to one of the chairs in front of it. "Please take a seat Mr. Teller."

No stranger to the seating in front of the principal's desk, Jax made his way to take a seat and realized that one of them was already taken. He vaguely recognized the man now sitting beside him, but couldn't place his face.

"Mr. Teller, this is Mr. Hale. I'm sure you know his son David."

"Or at least, his nose?" Jacob Hale Sr. looked over at Jax, disdain dripping from his words as he glared.

Jax nodded his head and said nothing, trying to ignore the thinly veiled glee he could see in the vice principal's expression from where he stood behind the principal's desk.

"Mr. Hale tells us you have been targeting his son."

Jax jerked his gaze from David's father back the principal, his expression defiant. "That's bullshit."

"Language!" Mr. Samson shouted from against the wall, making Jax want to fly over the table and tear his head off.

"You've been bullying him at school and now you're bullying him at his own home. _MY_ home. This won't stand young man, do you understand me?"

Jax's expression turned cocky as he slid his eyes to Jacob. "I haven't done shit to your son. In fact, I didn't even realize he was even still alive since he stopped delivering my morning paper."

Hale's face reddened but he kept his composure. "Careful boy. I've got witnesses that put you and that Winston kid in my house as trespassers before you started a fight that injured my son and two other minors." The redness in his face faded and it was his turn to adopt a cocky sneer. "If you want to avoid charges I'd sit there and listen to your betters for the rest of this meeting."

Jackson clenched his teeth against a response. Hale's suit was perfect and his shiny shoes actually matched his douchy fucking briefcase. Jax knew he was some big attorney, knew that he liked to throw his weight around and act like a powerful big shot.

Mr. Welks cleared his throat to get everyone's attention back on him again, his voice coming out firmly as he trained his gaze on Jax. "Consider this a final warning Mr. Teller. We've had discussions about your disruptions in the past-"

"And your truancy." Mr. Samson chimed in.

Mr. Welks nodded his head at the interruption and continued. "And your truancy. Obviously the time for warnings has passed so here is an ultimatum. You step one more toe out of line and you are gone. Understood?"

Jax's mirthless smile sat under furious eyes as the bell for the start of classes rang in the background. "In other words, now that I'm sixteen, you aren't required to keep the bad apples in with the bunch anymore." Looking over at Jacob Hale, Jax continued. "Shouldn't my parents be here for a conversation like this? You know, legally and all?"

Hale leaned toward him with unadulterated arrogance and hatred in his eyes. "Oh, I'm sure your parents would agree that you need to mind your P's and Q's son. You see, I'm in line for county judge. I'm sure, considering the line of work your family is in, that they'd like a county judge to feel impartial toward them."

Jax's expression was murderous. "I don't know that mechanics have much use for county judges."

The man and the boy regarded each other from their opposite lines in the sand, neither giving an inch as Mr. Welks broke the tension. "I think we've addressed this issue. Mr. Teller, if you'd please go to class now."

Jax got up, looking at Mr. Samson with feigned innocence. "I'm gonna need a note. Wouldn't want Ms. Fisher to think I'm _truant_."

He followed the Vice Principal out, not even bothering a parting glance at Hale as he got his grudgingly written note and stormed to his first class. He handed the note to his teacher and she took it with surprise, something he would have thought was amusing if he hadn't been so pissed. It was only minutes into first period and he'd already had to put out fires with his mother, been threatened by a powerful local asshat along with the principal and missed his chance to see Tara. They didn't have a class together in the morning, which meant he would have to wait until lunch.

He wondered if she'd waited around for him before class, which she had. She'd seen his bike in the lot and looked around for him a bit in the normal places he might be but when the bell had rung her uneasiness had grown. He was here, but he clearly had other things to do than wander around looking to see her.

She'd gone to class, barely listening to the biology teacher as her mind analyzed the entire situation to death for the millionth time. By the end of first period she felt no better and stopped at her locker to switch out her books. A tap at her shoulder had her turning to see a girl she had gym with handing her a note before turning without a word to walk away.

She unfolded the notebook paper and a smile touched her lips.

_Meet me in the girl's bathroom by the cafeteria fifteen minutes into second period._

_Jax_

He'd mentioned wanting a quickie in the bathroom and though she was pretty sure she wouldn't be going along with that plan, she desperately wanted to see him. If she could just lay eyes on him she knew all of this doubt would go away.

As the minutes dragged on during her Algebra class her spirits lifted. She couldn't believe she'd let Gemma get into her head like that. This weekend had been one of the most incredible of her life and only she and Jax knew what was between them. The way he'd looked at her, told her he was in love with her, was etched into her mind and she started to feel absurd that she'd let her faith in that be shaken, no matter who had been the one to do the shaking.

Fifteen minutes into her class she asked to be excused and made her way to the bathroom furthest from the majority of the classrooms. A small smile touched her lips and her pace picked up. He would have picked this one for the fact that, this time of day, it would be the least busy. The cafeteria sat all the way at the end of the school with only a few classrooms around it.

She had to force herself not to yank the door open once she reached it, but her restraint was wasted when she saw that he wasn't inside. Anticipation licked at her and she realized that she might be more easily talked into that quickie after all. Walking over to the sinks, she looked in the mirror and did a quick check just as the door swung open and she turned to greet him.

Except instead of Jax, the tall, bruised vision of Angie Wilson came walking in with her eyes glued to Tara's.

Keeping her face devoid of a reaction she watched as the girl walked to the mirror beside her own and began nonchalantly fluffing her bleached blonde hair. When she spoke, she kept her eyes on her own reflection. "So you're Jax Teller's new fuck buddy."

It was phrased as a statement and not a question so Tara didn't answer. The disdain she held for Tara was thinly veiled and she wondered if that was the reason the girl refused to meet her eyes. It was obvious that she was trying to start a confrontation after what had happened at Hale's party, but she was taking her time with it.

Taking out a compact, she started dabbing fresh powder on the black smudge under her right eye, never taking her gaze from her own reflection as she spoke. "You know, I almost feel sorry for you. Jax has a way of making you feel like you're the only woman in the world. Then he gets into your pants and, well, you realize you were one in a long string of numbers."

Tara's blood pressure began to rise as she glared into the mirror at Angie's face, imagining just how sweet it would be to blacken the other eye so she had a matching set, but she stayed stock-still. They were at school and if there was anything that Tara liked it was to fly below the radar at school.

The bathroom door scraped open again and the girl who'd given Tara the note along with the girl who'd been at the party with Angie walked in to stand behind their friend, both staring daggers at Tara and she realized that flying below the radar might not be in her cards today. She'd been set up. Angie turned to face her head on and Tara stood her ground, calculating the odds of getting through the three of them to the door of the bathroom with minimal carnage. The odds were slim and she didn't like being outnumbered.

The triumphant look on Angie's face as she watched Tara try to work through the scenario in her head made her fists clench reflexively. Three against one wasn't a fair fight, but Tara realized that she didn't have to beat everyone's ass. She just had to fuck up one.

"I don't need you to feel _almost_ sorry for me Angie. At the end of the day, I may end up being just a number for Jax but I can still say I'm not some herpes infested whore who no one comes back for twice."

Angie's eyes flared. "Big talk for a girl who's about to get her ass handed to her."

Tara walked up to her until they were nose-to-nose and whispered calmly against her mouth. "It'll be kinda hard to hand my ass to me when Jax isn't done with it yet. Maybe we should pass yours around instead?"

And with that, Tara slammed her forehead against Angie's already damaged nose, taking advantage of surprise as the only chance she had.

The girl crumpled to the floor, blood spilling from between her fingers as a wail poured from her mouth. One of her friends reached for her and Tara threw a punch, connecting with the side of her head as the other girl managed to get a handful of her long, dark hair. Vaguely, Tara heard the boom of a stall door being thrown open and saw the streaking form of a person run from the bathroom. She hadn't noticed anyone had been in a stall, but she'd gotten pretty preoccupied shortly after walking in as it turned out.

The girl from the party recovered from the fist to the side of her head just as the girl from Tara's gym class got her arms around her body, pinning her. Her smile was pure evil as she planted her feet.

Stars erupted in her eyes as the girl plowed her fist into Tara's face, the shock of the blow disorienting her for a second. "That was for Angie."

Before she could recover from the first punch the girl cocked back and decked her again, making Tara wonder how many more she had in her before she lost consciousness. "And tell your bitch ass friend Cheryl that was for me."

Vaguely Tara that this was the girl Cheryl had kept off of her long enough for she and Jax to get away from Hale's party. Tara forced a smile, tasting blood in her mouth. "Why can't you tell her yourself? Afraid she'd kick your ass again?"

Rage lit the girl's already lethal eyes and she cocked her fist back again, but the bathroom door swung open instead and Mrs. Mahoney burst in, rushing to grab the girl before she could follow through with her punch. "What the hell is going on here?"

The girl who'd been holding Tara dropped her and there was silence in the bathroom except for Angie's pathetic mewling about her nose coming from the floor.

Mrs. Mahoney turned her incredulous gaze from one girl to another until she'd taken in the whole scene and then looked directly at Tara, her lips settling into a thin line. "Everyone. Office. Now."

As the bell rang, signaling the end of second period, Jax was sure that time was moving slower just to fuck with him. School was boring on a normal day, but when his day had started off terrible and the only shining light at the end of the tunnel was seeing Tara, boring was taken to a whole new level.

He made his way through the halls, vaguely aware that people were whispering and throwing him looks but he had no idea why. Had Hale told everyone that his dad was throwing his weight around? He doubted it, that would only make Hale look like a pussy. He thought for just a second that maybe he was being paranoid, but by the time he got to his history class he couldn't ignore that people were staring at him.

Opie met him at the door and Jax looked at him in confusion. "Dude, what the fuck is going on? Why is everyone staring at me?"

Opie raised his eyebrows as he looked down at his friend. "You didn't hear? Angie Wilson jumped Tara in the bathroom."

Jax's heart slammed in his chest. "When? Where the fuck is she?"

Opie shrugged. "Sometime during last period. They're all in the office."

His friend had barely finished his sentence before Jax was sprinting to the office. He'd nailed Angie over the summer after she came by the clubhouse a few times with her older sister and some other girls. She hadn't made a big deal of the fact that Jax was obviously just interested in having a little fun and she'd never acted like she wanted more than that herself so this shit was coming right out of left field. A few months ago he would have found two chicks fighting over him hilarious. Now that one of those chicks was Tara it felt like a sucker punch. He didn't want her to hurt because of him. Ever.

Jax got to the office and flung open the door, the sight of Tara sitting along the wall with her eyes down on her shoes twisting his heart in his chest. She looked sad and defeated and he wanted nothing more than to get her the fuck out of here.

"Do you have business in here right now Mr. Teller?"

Tara's eyes shot up at the mention of his name and she watched as he shot a glare across the front office desk at Mr. Sampson, his pace never faltering as he walked over to her. "She's my business."

His words warmed her heart but the doubts she'd had since last night had only sprung back in full force after her fight in the bathroom. Twice now in twenty-four hours she'd been told that Jax was using her, that he would say anything to get into her pants and then leave her swinging in the breeze.

He knelt down in front of her and met her eyes with a look of concern so sincere that, to her horror, she felt tears burn the back of her eyes. She squeezed them shut, dropping her chin and his concern grew.

He took her chin in his hand, lifted it gently up until she opened her watery eyes to meet his again. She wasn't an easy crier, in fact he didn't think he'd ever seen her do it and it twisted him up. She'd awoken every protective instinct he had inside of him and right now, they were all screaming at him to get her out of here and make her pain go away.

Dropping her chin, he took her hand gently. "Come on."

He pulled her to her feet and picked up her backpack. Mr. Samson cleared his throat from across the room. "You're not excused to leave Mr. Teller. I hear that thin ice cracking."

Jax hit the vice principal with a stare that was so deadly that even Tara wondered what he was going to do. It was the look she'd seen him give when he'd been pushed just a little too far.

"I'm taking Tara home. You got a problem with it, call my step dad."

Mr. Samson returned his stare with one of his own but said nothing, the veiled threat in Jackson's tone registering loud and clear. There wasn't a person in town that didn't know his mother had married Clay Morrow, the newest president of the Sons of Anarchy, after having been married to the founding president before his death.

Keeping his eye on the older man he lead Tara out of the office and she realized that he must really be over Mr. Samson's shit. Everyone knew Jax, Charming wasn't a big town and the Sons were notorious, so it was rare that he would use his position in the club to intimidate anyone. In fact, she couldn't ever remember hearing him do it. People just knew not to fuck with him too much, but primarily Tara knew Jax liked to settle things for himself.

They said nothing to each other as he gave her his helmet and they got onto his bike, heading for her house. She laid her head against his back, taking comfort from the solid feel of him. He smelled like soap and cigarettes and she let it wrap around her, feeling better despite herself just for him being here. This entire nightmare of a day was because of him, and yet he was all she'd wanted through the whole thing. It seemed incredibly fucked up, but she couldn't help it.

Cutting his engine in front of her house he went to get off of the bike but she tightened her grip on him. He rubbed her arms and then crossed his over them, lacing his fingers between hers and sat with her for a minute. "Is your dad home?"

He felt her shake her head. "Let's get you inside. We have to put some ice on that lip babe."

She didn't move for another second and then he felt her reluctantly extricate her fingers from his and climb off of the bike. Following her inside he walked with her to the kitchen and watched as she slumped down onto one of the chairs at the kitchen table, dropping her head into her hands. Her silence was unnerving and he made himself busy getting a dishtowel to put ice in.

Walking over to the table, he sat in a chair next to her. "Look up at me Tara. Let me take care of you."

She dropped her hands and lifted her head but the defeat and sadness that had been in her eyes at the school had been replaced with anger and he sat up a bit straighter in surprise.

"How many girls have you fucked?"

Her tone was acidic, a stark contrast to the way she'd broached the subject before and he blinked at her in shock before he could will his mouth to form words.

A cynical smile graced her lips. "I bet you don't even know do you?"

He could feel himself starting to get annoyed at her sudden attack but he told himself he'd probably be plenty pissed if he was in her shoes. He took a deep breath. "If you really want a number I can give it to you but I don't see how that'll solve anything for you."

The distrustful twist to her mouth didn't waiver and he hated seeing it there. "It would just be nice to know how many whores I'm gonna have to fight if we're going to date. Or is everyone right and you don't plan on sticking long enough for it to be much of an issue?"

He felt like he'd been kicked in the balls and he stared at her in stunned silence. He had no idea where this was coming from, but this was more than some bullshit catfight in the girl's bathroom. Someone had seriously gotten into her head and he had a nagging suspicion it wasn't just Angie Wilson.

"My mom say something to you last night?"

Tara dropped her eyes and he could see the answer written all over her face. He would kill Gemma for this.

Putting the makeshift icepack down gently on the table, he kept his voice soft. "What did she say?"

Tara kept her eyes averted from his despite the kindness and patience in his voice. She could feel her hold on the anger that she'd latched onto to disguise the hurt and insecurity starting to slip. "It seems like there are more than a few people who think I'm about to be another Jax Teller hit and run."

He leaned back in his chair and rolled his eyes to the ceiling. He had no one to blame but himself for that perception but the fact that Tara could doubt his feelings so easily was a little exasperating. Dropping his gaze back to hers he willed himself to be understanding. He hadn't tried to avoid getting the reputation that he had, he would just have to realize that it came with consequences.

"Tara, look at me."

She slid her eyes up to meet his, the anger slipping even further as she saw the openness and honesty in his face. "I don't give a fuck what other people think this is. They aren't in this relationship. What do _you _think this is?"

She was in the precarious situation of being vulnerable and she fucking hated that. This thing with Jax was the most she'd ever let herself be unprotected with another human being, the most she'd let anyone in. If someone got too close, she always seemed to feel the need to push them away and she realized that was actually what she was doing right now. She had a choice to make, she could turn her back on this because it made her feel too exposed or she could overcome her fear and truly be with another person. It was truly an all or nothing scenario and feeling the way her heart skipped as he watched her quietly she realized, deep in her gut, that she wanted it all.

"I think this could be something big."

The knot in his chest loosened and he reached over the table to take her hand in his, running his thumb lightly over her bruised knuckles.

"I've never felt like this before Tara, I don't have some kind of blueprint to go off of. All I know is I think about you every minute and yeah, part of that scares the shit out of me. But not enough to run away from this."

Squeezing her hand softly he looked her dead in the eyes. "Shit is gonna come up from time to time that tests that, tests us, and I'm not afraid to face it. You in or out babe?"

Tara thought for a minute, the resolve in his expression and sureness in his voice telling her that he meant every word and the last piece of the anger crumbled away. She gave his hand a gentle squeeze in return and nodded her head. "I'm in Jackson. I'm in."


	13. Chapter 13

Just what they needed. Word had come in that there was a fucking ATF agent in Charming and Jax was pretty sure he knew exactly why he was here.

"Hale flagged Bluebird as _our_ gun warehouse. He's pissed off we made Unser crush the case and he called in the feds. I think it's gotta be about us."

Bobby nodded. "That'd be my guess."

"And we've got a garage full of 25 to life."

Tig's words silenced the group as the weight of what he'd said sunk in. If they didn't get the AK's out of Teller-Morrow before the feds found a reason to poke their noses around they were all going down.

An idea struck Jax and he turned his attention to Clay. "Got a call from Jury last week." As the rest of the group listened, he explained. "Mayans pressing the Devil's Tribe to pay a vig to keep running book and pussy out of Nevada. Look, maybe I ride to Indian Hills. I offer Jury some advice, he offers our AK's a safe house."

Juice shook his head. "No. No, that's a risky ride brother. Northern Nevada is Mayan territory. They're still looking to settle the score from our little raid."

Bobby nodded in agreement. "The Mayans know the Tribe's a brother club. Part of asking for that vig is about shitting on us. They knew Jury would call. They're gonna be watching."

They hadn't forgotten about Alvarez's ambush outside of town just before the Mayans hit Bluebird. They were watching the road at all times and it made perfect sense that they would try to force a move that would help them facilitate some payback. Still, Jax didn't have any other ideas. He had a kid to consider, the idea of spending the rest of his younger days in prison didn't really appeal to him.

He looked at Bobby. "That's what I'm saying. That's why just me and you go, under the radar. We bring the guns in the same way."

As long as everyone kept a low profile, kept off the Mayan radar, Clay was on board. Jax could practically feel Bobby's excitement at the idea of being at Jury's in a few hours. Jury may have been a tough old bastard, but he ran some of the most beautiful women outside of sin city itself. Walking out to the bikes to get the show on the road, Jax couldn't help but feel a little excited himself. Shit had been tense around here and a couple days away seemed like a good idea. The Devil's Tribe dealt in gambling and whores, aside from their little problem with the Mayans, Jax couldn't think of a better place to escape to, get all this shit straight in his head.

As if on cue, an old black Cutlass rolled into the lot and the gorgeous brunette behind the wheel had him stopping short just for a second. How was it that just as he was thinking about trying to escape the shit plaguing him around here, that shit pulled up and got out of her car? She wore a tight blue button up shirt, which should have been almost boring but it hugged her in all the right places and made his hands itch to touch her. The sunlight set the red lights in her hair on fire as she smiled over at him, the green in her eyes hitting him all the way over where he stood by his bike. At that moment he was sure she was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen in his life. God, he had to figure out a way to cut her out of his heart or he was going to lose his mind.

Looking apologetically over to Bobby he started to take his helmet back off. "Alright, gimme a minute."

Bobby's expression was pure annoyance. He'd known Jackson Teller since he was a kid and if there was one thing that distracted him it was women. Add to it that the particular woman he was currently rushing off to talk to was "the one that got away" and Bobby was pretty sure Jax might be awhile. "Yeah, I'll find you."

Ignoring his brother's eye roll as he drove away, Jax made his way to where Tara was standing by the car. "Everything okay?"

Her expression was cheerful as she beamed up at him. "Yeah, I was hoping you could help with the Cutlass. It's in pretty sad shape."

She giggled and the sound coaxed an involuntary chuckle out of him. "Shit, this was your dad's right?"

She nodded. "It was in the garage under two tons of old newspapers."

Jax wanted to pop the hood, take a look inside, but mostly he wanted to give her a beer and work on it while she kept him company in the garage like she used to when he would work on his bike back in the day. Distance, he reminded himself. He needed to establish distance.

"Why don't you bring it in the back, have Lowell take a look at it?"

Her expression was neutral as she tried to hide her disappointment. It had taken her the better part of an hour to unearth the car from all the shit her father hadn't been able to part with and it wasn't her intention to let all of that work result in having Lowell keep her safe from a crazy ATF agent hell bent on stalking her.

When she'd come out of her house to go to work and saw pink rose petals decorating her windshield like a psychotic love letter she'd felt sick to her stomach. He was here. No one else ever gave her pink roses, or at least no one who knew the first thing about her did. She hated roses, hated how clichéd they were and pink was the last color she would choose out of the entire spectrum. But Josh had tried to make her into someone else in his mind almost from the get go, making her foods that he insisted were her favorite and playing her "their song" when it held little to no emotional resonance for her. He'd dehumanized her in his mind by making her into the object of his twisted fantasies and that was why it was so easy for him to hurt her. Scare her. In his mind, she was his because he had made her. He could unmake her just as easily.

Turning to go back inside she had to fight with herself not to run. She pulled the hatbox down from the hall closet, felt the weight of the gun in her hands. She'd bought it in Chicago, after the first time he'd found out she went to the police and they'd dismissed her outright. The cold weight of it comforted her and terrified her, just as it had then. She would defend herself if it came to that, but he was an ATF agent with a sparkling record. Would anyone really believe, if she had to shoot him, that she'd done it in self-defense?

So, she'd dropped the gun in her purse as a last ditch option and dug the Cutlass out of the garage. He didn't know that car. She could drive to work and maybe throw him off if he searched the lot to see if she was there. She knew she was running out of ways to hide, but that didn't mean she couldn't keep trying until she had a better plan.

But as she'd driven toward St. Thomas, the car seemed to steer its way to Teller-Morrow. To Jax. She could call in sick, pretend she had a fever, if it meant she could just stay hidden a little while longer. She wanted to feel safe and she drove to the only place where she knew she could.

She mustered the courage to press him, hoping to extend her time at least by a little if he wasn't going to take the bait to work on her car. Her words came out in a rush, making her sound as desperate as she felt. "Okay, thanks. I was hoping you could give me a lift home."

He didn't seem to notice her nervousness and her heart sank. "Actually, I'm just heading out for a couple days."

Her plan was falling apart around her ears. Where was he going? The idea of him being out of Charming at the very moment that Kohn showed up had her heart pounding in her throat. "Ok. Anything come up with baby, who should I call?"

He could sense her worry, but mistook it for concern over Abel and his blood ran cold. "He's out of the woods right?"

Feeling guilty for worrying him she was quick to respond. "Yeah. Yeah, just in case of procedural stuff."

A glimmer of sunlight off of a black car caught his eye and he looked over Tara's shoulder, waving a hand at his mother as she pulled up in her Cadillac. "Just let my mom know if you need anything."

Gemma pulled up along side them and looked from Jax to Tara from her vantage point behind the driver's seat, sliding her sunglasses off slowly. "Everything okay?"

Jax nodded. "Yeah, fine. She's just here to get her car fixed. Actually, could you give Tara a ride home? She's gotta leave the Cutlass here."

Tara immediately protested. "No that's okay. I'll just take a-"

Gemma didn't even let her finish her sentence. "_Love_ to give the good doctor a lift."

Jax looked from woman to woman, saw the calculating expression in his mother's eyes and the annoyance in Tara's. He had no idea what, but clearly there was some shit going on between them. With Bobby gaining more and more distance every minute that Jax stood around it was also some shit that he didn't have time to deal with at the moment.

Bending down to duck his head into Gemma's car he assured her he'd be fine in Nevada and kissed her goodbye. Turning, he laid his hand on Tara's hip and leaned in, pressing a quick but soft kiss to her cheek too. He might not have time to get in the middle of shit with Tara and his mom and he might need distance from Tara in general, but some part of him would always let his mom know that Tara was important to him. Call it instinct, but he couldn't help but send the message. He'd also needed to touch her from the minute he saw her and indulging himself hadn't helped his growing need for her. It was just her hip and just her cheek but they may as well have been gateway drugs and now he wanted a full fix.

Forcing himself to keep walking, he got on his bike and hit the road, catching Bobby just as he was about to hit the highway. It wasn't a long ride to Indian Hills, neither it nor Charming were far from their state's respective borders. Just as everyone had suspected though, the Mayans were watching the road and as he and Bobby pulled up to the Devil's Tribe clubhouse it was obvious from the show of muscle the rival gang tried to pull on the highway that they meant business with Jury.

Jax and Bobby got off their bikes and walked toward the clubhouse, the little blonde piece named Susie that Jax had picked up at the gas station trailing behind them as a tall, grey haired, ball of energy burst through the front door in his denim kutte and threw his arms open wide in welcome.

"Uncle Jury!" Jax walked to the older man and hugged him fiercely. He was one of his dad's oldest friends and a hell of a good guy. Jax loved him like family. The idea that he would have to be the one to break it to him that Clay was on his way up to patch the Tribe over because of the Mayan threats broke his heart. He was a fun loving guy, his group were weekenders who earned straight. They didn't live the Samcro life. It occurred to Jax that the Devil's Tribe was living the life that JT had envisioned for his own club. It killed Jax to think he was going to end that, especially knowing now exactly how his father would feel about it.

With the votes in and the kuttes changed over, it was a done deal. The Devil's Tribe was gone and SamNev had been born. The guys who'd decided to stay along with the vast majority of Samcro got down to kicking off a huge patch over party, which were always legendary. Music filled the air, made it impossible to think, while girls danced on tables and the bottles behind the bar grew emptier and emptier.

Jax watched the party around him, his expression sad. Bobby had told him earlier that ever since Abel was born the club was picking up on him second guessing Clay's every move. It didn't bode well for any charter if the President and Vice President weren't on the same page, no one knew where to stand when shit like that happened. The problem was, Jax didn't know where he stood anymore, let alone where everyone else should. It was like his compass had been broken and he had no idea where north was anymore.

Susie found him from across the room and he watched as she made her way toward him, smiling up at her as she got close. She was a sweet little thing, a little opinionated, but he didn't mind a woman with a mind of her own. She wasn't afraid to question him, wasn't trying to say yes blindly to everything he said and it was refreshing. It might piss off the other guys, have some of the more veteran girls in a lather, but he couldn't give a shit. He'd never been interested in a woman without a brain, at least not for longer than a night or two.

She sat on the arm of the couch and looked at him with genuine affection, the kind you have for new crushes. "You okay?"

Jax nodded and she smiled brightly at him. "Want something?"

He could see that Jury's girl Cherry had been instructing her on proper old lady etiquette and he thought it was cute that she was trying. Reaching for her, he pulled her down and laid back until she was on top of him so he could take her mouth with his own. She tasted like cherry lip balm and beer. It wasn't a bad taste, but it wasn't quite right. He pushed the thought out of his mind as soon as it came in. He didn't want to go there right now.

Pulling her head up she looked into his eyes. "I could get used to this."

He smiled softly. "Let's just take it a night at a time babe."

She lowered her head and kissed him again for a second before he shifted so he could wriggle out from under her. Taking his cue she rose, letting him stand up and take her by the hand to lead her through the party to one of the back bedrooms Jury had for his girls to do business.

Once he had her inside he pushed her gently against the door and kissed her breathless, his head trying hard to drown out the disappointment in his heart. She wasn't right, didn't fit. His body pressed against the length of her, his leg sliding between hers and she ground against it with a groan of pleasure and anticipation. She felt good, but he didn't know the contours of her by heart, couldn't find the place where she fit up against him like a piece of a puzzle. He nuzzled her neck, placed a kiss to the curve of it at her shoulder and she giggled, pulling away from him. That had been the spot that would have driven a soft moan from Tara, a thought that came unbidden to his mind. Would he ever be able to get her locked back away again?

Taking Jax by the hand, Susie led him to the bed and started taking off his clothes. A slow smile crept to his face and he reached for the hem of her shirt, pulling it over her head before he reached behind her and snapped her bra open with one hand. She giggled and let it slide off, unbuckling his belt and pulling it free from his jeans before she worked the button open and started to push them over his hips. He rescued his wallet just before his pants fell to the ground and fished the condom out that he'd replaced after Emily Duncan had needed persuading to bang Skeeter.

Susie lay back on the bed and started in on her own pants as Jax rolled the condom on, looking down at her as he did. She really was pretty, her body soft and slim in all the right places. He'd wanted a distraction, a little distance from Tara, and he couldn't think of a better way to get it than with a cute little blonde that he'd rescued at the border.

"Like what you see?"

Jax crawled over top of her, taking her mouth in his for a deep kiss. He liked what he saw. The problem was, he didn't love it. She wasn't Tara. For fuck sakes, she wasn't Tara and nothing could fix that.

Pulling away he dropped his head to hover over her ear, felt her shiver as his breath danced across the sensitive skin. "Turn over."

With a wicked grin she complied, turning over and rising up onto her hands and knees as he knelt behind her and pushed slowly inside of her. He let his eyes flutter closed; let his mind float away until all he saw, all he felt, was Tara. He let his hands roam, blocking out the sounds of pleasure that she made as he touched her so he could concentrate on his fantasy. He knew it was fucked up, knew it wasn't fair to himself or to this girl but he couldn't help it and he couldn't say it was the first time either.

He leaned forward to reach under her and take her breast in his hand. It was full and soft and his rhythm sped up, his thrusts coming faster as Susie got louder. He tried to remember the sounds Tara made, the primal moans and the desperate gasps and for just a second he could hear her in his head over the theatrical, porn screams coming from Susie. He remembered how she would pull him closer to her, beg him to love her as she got close and he came hard until he was as empty as he felt.

Pulling out of her, he took off the condom and tied it off so he could throw it toward the wastebasket. Susie crawled toward the head of the bed and smiled as he did the same, putting her head on his chest as he lay back on the pillows. "Yeah. I could definitely get used to this."

Jax chuckled, pleased that his own fucked up head hadn't translated into a bad time for her. God, if she only knew what had been going through his mind. He let his eyes flutter closed in exhaustion, the knowledge that he was still in love with Tara dancing ever closer to his conscious mind no matter how badly he wanted to be able to keep denying it. Even when he was trying to put distance between them, she was never far from him. He supposed it should have felt comforting, to feel like someone was always with him, but it only made him feel like the loneliest man on earth.

The clubhouse was quiet when he woke up to see soft, morning light streaming through the bedroom window. Looking over he saw that Susie had turned over during the night to sleep on her stomach, showing a soft expanse of back just above where the covers lay, her blond hair fanning out over the pillow. Careful not to wake her, Jax got up and got dressed. He wanted to go for a walk to clear his head, to see the spot that he'd read about the day before in his father's manuscript.

Taking his satchel with him he made his way with JT's manuscript to the spot where his dad had seen Emma Goldman's quote about anarchism. He'd heard his dad say that quote word for word so many times growing up he'd gotten chills when he'd come across the section about it in the book. It was the quote that had changed him, shaped him, inspired him and Jax knew it was in a lot of ways the founding mantra of the club.

Coming up to the bridge he'd described, excitement shot through his veins as he found the faded red writing. Dusting it off, he read the words that had meant so much to his father.

_Anarchism stands for the liberation of the human mind from the dominion of religion. Liberation of the human body from dominion of property. Liberation from shackles and the restraint of government. It stands for social order based on the free grouping of individuals. _

It was a quote he knew well. But, seeing it here, where it had influenced JT all those years ago, it sparked a fire in him. He was being pulled in so many directions, being told what was right by so many people, maybe it was time for him shake off his own shackles and follow his gut. Maybe he needed to go his own direction, like his dad had tried to do.

So he drove into town and kicked over a row of Mayan bikes so they'd follow him to the clubhouse. Clay had patched over Jury without a thought to anyone's opinion but his own. The Tribe weren't outlaws and now they wore a patch that told people they were. If Jax couldn't change that tide, he would sure as hell send a message to the Mayans that this change meant the Devil's Tribe was gone and the new SamNev wasn't someone to fuck with. With the whole of Samcro there they'd have a fight on their hands that they wouldn't expect and he could be sure they'd leave Jury alone from here on out. It was the best way he could think of to protect his dad's friend.

At least that was what he hoped as the dust settled and the wounded, including Jury, were patched up. Clay looked at him with suspicion about what the hell happened but Jax stuck to his story that they saw him riding through town and chased him back. Bobby had told Jax that he needed to get right with his second-guessing of Clay and he would. He was just going to have to decide on who's terms that would be. His or Clay's.

As night fell the group got ready to leave. The sound of a Japanese crotch rocket filled the air outside of the clubhouse and Jax looked up to see Susie standing by the door instead of walking over to get on the back of his bike. He smiled at her in understanding just before her abusive ex showed up to take her back to a life that, though fucked up in it's own right, probably didn't involve gun fights with automatic weapons. She wasn't part of this world and she never would be. He'd had no illusions about that when he picked her up, doe eyed and curious, the day before. The roar of bike engines filled the air, drowning out his thoughts and everyone but Tig hit the road.

Riding back toward Charming with his brothers they were left alone. The Mayans new that, at least for now, there were more Sons then they wanted to deal with and they seemed to call off the dogs that had met them on the way up. All Jax wanted to do was get home and get to St. Thomas to see Abel.

Pulling in, his muscles sore from the long ride, he stretched as he got off his bike. It felt good to be back. He felt like he'd gained some perspective, gained a bit of insight. He'd used his instincts today and it was time that he started trusting them. Walking into the hospital, he felt good. Free. He chose his own path today. He could choose his own destiny.

The word was ringing in his head as the elevator doors opened to reveal Tara standing at the nurses station just as an orderly walked up and handed her a large envelope. God, it felt good to actually see her outside of his own head. Feeling a playful smile touch his lips he snuck up on her and poked her in the side. "Hey."

She jumped and turned to smile back at him, causing his smile to turn into a full-blown grin. "Hey. Your mom is in there."

"Where else would she be?"

His mood was so light, so playful that it was hard for Tara to remember there had ever been anything to worry about. Hard to think about the fact that his mother had given her a gun with filed off serial numbers just that afternoon after she'd pawed through her purse and found the one she'd bought in Chicago. That all seemed a million miles away with him standing in front of her with a dopey grin on his face, buzzing with happy energy.

"How was Nevada?"

He'd so completely disarmed her with his boyish playfulness and his comforting presence that the question had slipped out before she'd thought to bite it back. She was supposed to be keeping his club life out of her purview, to separate herself from it completely. But she'd missed him so much, had wanted him to come back so badly that she lapsed back into the comfortable way they used to be with each other and the little spark she saw in his eyes told her he hadn't missed it.

He didn't press though, instead he took the opportunity to make a joke of the last time that he'd come in after club business and opened his kutte to reveal a perfectly clean, charcoal grey sweatshirt underneath. "Uneventful."

They smiled at each other for a minute and she shook her head as he chuckled and walked toward Abel's room. He could always do that, turn a tense situation around until it was a joke. He had a way about him that calmed her and she felt relaxed for the first time in days. When Jax was around, it always felt like everything was going to be alright.

Walking away from the nurse's station she made her way to the hallway in front of Abel's room. Jax stood smiling down at his son, his infectious good mood apparent even through the glass. Looking up at Tara, the blues of his dancing eyes hit her and she felt her heart flutter in her chest before he directed them back at his son, the look of pure love on his face making her almost have to bite back a sigh of longing.

Realizing that she was still carrying around the envelope that had come for her, she turned it over and opened it up. Confusion knit her brows together as she realized it was a picture and she pulled it out to see what it was of.

It was of Jax.

Her stomach heaved as she read the inscription at the top, scrawled in familiar handwriting with a black marker.

_2:23a.m, Last Night._

He was behind a blond woman on her hands and knees and both of them were naked, her face twisted in ecstasy while his was filled with concentration. She'd been in bed, sleeping with a gun on her nightstand and pining for him to come home while he'd been fucking some nameless whore. They weren't together, she didn't even think she wanted that, but somehow seeing that he clearly didn't want that either made her heart sink to her feet.

Looking back up at him he lifted his eyes from Abel and grinned at her again through the glass, only now the look of pride and happiness in his eyes seemed mocking and cocky somehow and bile rose in her throat. Walking as fast as she could she bolted for the bathroom and slammed the stall door closed behind her before she dropped to her knees in front of the toilet and threw up.

Flushing the toilet, she turned until she was sitting and put her head in her hands, fighting the overpowering urge to cry. She felt completely and utterly alone. Josh was never going to stop, she knew that. Had always known that on some level. The rose petals, the phone call, all of those had scared her. But, this? This had shredded her, mostly because she would never have expected it to. She'd known Jax had been with other women before and after her. For Christ sakes, she'd saved his son that another woman bore him. He'd gotten married. Knowing that he'd moved on was one thing, but seeing it? Seeing him holding another woman, touching her, when her memories only contained herself in that scenario was wrenching.

Pulling herself to her feet, she walked out of the stall and over to the sink to splash cold water on her face. Her reflection was startling and she smacked the faucet off to stare. She was pale, her eyes bruised underneath with purple shadows that reflected how little she'd been sleeping since the first phone call. She looked scared, exhausted, but in the harsh florescent lights with water dripping from her chin she couldn't deny that she also looked heartbroken. She didn't want Jackson Teller.

But then why did the idea of him with someone else physically hurt?

Her pager went off and she was almost grateful. She knew that Doctor Namid was doing a bowel resection on a five year old and that it would be a long surgery. Taking a paper towel to blot her face, she walked out of the bathroom and took the long way around to the elevators so she could avoid seeing Jax again. The knowledge that Josh was watching her so closely that now he was watching Jax was both terrifying and nauseating. It was one thing to know that he was following her around. It was another entirely to know that the people close to her could become casualties of war.

He wanted her to know that he knew everything about her, knew were to press to inflict the most damage. His picture had served its purpose and she couldn't tell what was more unnerving about that, the fact that he knew that it would hurt her or the fact that it had.

She didn't want to think about it anymore as she walked into the OR to scrub in. If she thought about it, she'd analyze it and if she analyzed it she would have to come to the most logical conclusion for her feelings, which was that she had never stopped loving Jax. In ten years, across half of the country with an entire education and career between them, she'd never stopped loving the boy she'd pulled a fire alarm for just to spend time with. She didn't want to come to that conclusion, so she refused to analyze it further.

Putting on her scrub cap, she shut the door on her heart and let the surgeon take over.

As the night wound its way into the early morning and a bowel resection multiplied into not one, but two emergency appendectomies, Tara was exhausted. Getting onto the elevator she looked at her watch and was stunned that it was almost nine in the morning. She'd technically been off shift for two hours and all she could think about was getting to her locker, changing into her civilian clothes and going home to a scalding hot shower and some sleep.

Stepping off the elevator she took off her scrub cap and started walking toward the locker rooms, the sight of a person sitting in the waiting area just outside of the employee lounge stopping her dead.

Josh Kohn was here, and he was smiling at her.

Her mind screamed at her to turn around and run, to get help, but her mouth wouldn't work and her feet stood still. For just a moment she felt completely helpless, just like she was back in Chicago and no one had believed her when she'd asked for help. She'd felt like she couldn't do anything to stop him, to defend herself. A surge of adrenaline kicked in at the thought of feeling like that for even one more minute and fury suddenly kicked in. His plan was to terrorize her into coming back with him.

Fuck that.

Standing up, she watched him angle his head in the most non-threatening manner he could possibly adopt and smile softly at her. "Can we talk?"

She walked toward him and then past him to the empty employee lounge area and spun on him as he closed the door behind them, crossing her arms over her chest. She wasn't going to let him make her a victim. Not anymore.

His placid expression never wavered, even in the face of her obvious outrage. "I just wanted to give you a heads up. Let you know I'm in town. Here on ATF business."

She wanted to scream. He clearly thought she was stupid; another convolution of his mind to make her what he wanted her to be. "What business?"

A flicker of surprise crossed his features at her suspicious tone, but he continued his calm charade. "It's an interstate weapons case and, I shouldn't be telling you this. Originating in south Chicago, big arms deal. Lead back here. Sons of Anarchy are involved."

She didn't believe him for a second. Life was never _that_ convenient. "The rose petals and the sick photo, they business too?"

He smiled sweetly, wistfully. "No. I just know you really love pink roses and I don't want to see you get hurt Tara. Not by that guy."

His insanity had unnerved her at one point, terrified her as time went on, but now it was infuriating. From the pink roses to the way he mispronounced her name so that it sounded the way _he_ wanted it to. But now he had decided that Jax was a part of his melodrama and instinct had her quickly protesting to protect him. "I'm not with him."

His sweet smile dripped with condescension. "First love dies hard."

It was time to put her foot down, let him know that she wasn't going to be toyed with. "That restraining order is still in effect, you come near my house or you come to my work again and I will file a police report-"

"Okay, okay. Actually my federal jurisdiction takes precedence over state and local mandates."

A ripple of fear coursed through her as she saw the hard glint of frustration in his eyes and she got the implication of his words. He was above the law and would do whatever he wanted with no fear of reprisal. She wasn't going to be able to fight him through normal channels and both of them knew it.

As soon as the annoyance had come into his eyes he banished it, the sweet and harmless affectation coming back effortlessly. "I understand how you feel and I promise no more contact. It's been good talking to you. I miss that."

He turned and left, his manner so sad that any casual onlooker would have believed he was just a heartsick man being rejected by his ladylove, but she knew better. He was a sociopath and, like any true sociopath, he was an incredible actor. He could play the part like a professional, and turn on a dime just as quickly to reveal the monster beneath.

She grabbed her clothes and left, looking around so much for him to be lurking somewhere that she started to see him everywhere. She was a strong person, but she knew that very soon there would be a breaking point. Reaching into her purse as she walked to her car she felt for the gun and strengthened her resolve. If it came down to him or her, well, she chose her.


	14. Chapter 14

**1984**

"_Whatcha eatin?"_

_Tara smiled over at Jackson as he perched excitedly next to her on the cafeteria bench. He was always looking at everybody's lunch box, especially since his little brother had been born not long after Christmas. His mom must be pretty tired cuz sometimes his lunches were so silly._

"_I have a cheese sandwich and a banana and ants on logs."_

_Jackson's big blue eyes, probably the bluest eyes Tara had ever seen EVER, got wide and he looked from her Cabbage Patch Dolls lunch pail back up to her. "You have ants in your lunch?"_

_Tara giggled and brought out a little container with four small pieces of celery coated with peanut butter and dotted with raisins inside. "They just look like ants. Wanna trade for some?"_

_Jackson opened his brown paper lunch bag and looked around. "I have a twinkie, a juice box and some goldfish crackers."_

_Tara stared at him, suddenly feeling very sad that Jackson's mother wasn't taking care of him anymore now that she had Thomas to take care of. "That's all your mom gave you?"_

_Jackson laughed, the sound loud, boisterous and filled with energy just like him. "Nah, I packed this. I gave the lunch my mom packed to Opie."_

"_He didn't have a lunch today?"_

_Jackson looked serious for a second. "I give him mine every day."_

_Tara knew she was only six, but it all suddenly made sense. Opie didn't have a mother to take care of him anymore; she'd heard the teachers talking. Jackson was making sure Opie got the good lunch, and he was bringing all the silly things that Tara always saw him with for himself. It seemed to her like the nicest thing she'd ever heard._

_Pushing her ants on a log over to him she smiled in his dancing eyes. "Take these. I don't want them and I don't really like twinkies."_

_Jackson beamed up at her. "I can just have 'em?"_

_Tara nodded, glad that she could make him smile like that._

_He stared at her for a second, not knowing what to say that would sum up how her gesture made him feel. Instead, he settled on grabbing her offering with one hand and giving her ponytail a good yank with the other before running away as fast as his legs could carry him._

**1994**

Jax walked into his room, a towel wrapped around his waist from his shower, and jumped a little when he saw his mom sitting on the bed.

"Fuck, you scared the shit out of me."

Gemma smirked. "Sorry. Needed to catch you before you ducked out. Clay and I have to talk to you before you go to the party tonight."

He narrowed his eyes. "About what?"

Gemma stood up and made her way toward the door. "Just some stuff. Call Tara, it concerns her too."

Jax rolled his eyes. He'd kept Tara as far away from his mother as he could ever since the wedding reception. Neither Gemma nor Tara had ever admitted that there had been an altercation between the two of them, but Jax knew in his gut something had gone down and he hadn't necessarily been keen on the idea of his mother saying anything else that could fuck with Tara's head. They'd managed to fly under the radar for months, dodging his mother's repeated demands for Tara to come to dinner, but they both knew their days were numbered on that front. School had ended for the summer that afternoon and there were no more excuses about homework or any number of other bullshit reasons they'd come up with left to give.

Seeing his response, his mother put her hand on her hip and glared, her tolerance for his bullshit at an end. "If I don't see both of you sitting at that table tonight for dinner I will show up to that party tonight and talk to the two of you there."

He held up his hands in supplication, knowing full well that wasn't an idle threat. "We'll be here okay, I'll call her."

Gemma nodded. "We're having roast."

She walked out of the room and closed the door behind her, leaving him to get dressed. He'd been looking forward to this end of the year party all week, had looked forward to hanging with Tara and Opie and Donna for the first of what he'd hoped were many summer nights spent with his friends. Spent with Tara.

In the grand scheme he knew that they hadn't been together all that long, just a handful of months, but he'd have thought the need to be with her every minute of the day would have subsided a bit by now. If anything, as time passed, it had only intensified until all he seemed to think about was his girlfriend.

_His girlfriend_.

Fuck if it wasn't still weird to call someone his girlfriend. Weirder still was the fact that he liked it. He liked knowing that she was his and his alone, knowing there was no one else for her but him. There sure as hell wasn't anyone else for him but her.

Picking up the phone, he dialed her number and felt the familiar flutter in his belly when she answered. It always made him feel equal parts pussy whipped and love struck. "Hey, change of plans."

"Yeah? What's up?"

"Mandatory pre party dinner at my house. Gemma says she's gonna show up in the woods and practically do keg stands if we blow her off."

She didn't need to say a word, the long, tense pause on the other end of the line said it all and he sat down on the edge of his bed. "Don't be nervous, my mom is all bark. Give her a chance to warm up and she'll love you."

After a second he heard Tara sigh. "I'll be there in thirty minutes."

Jax smiled. "Don't worry babe, I'll protect you."

"I'm sure you will." Her tone was sarcastic but she found herself smiling despite herself.

Hanging up the phone she closed her eyes and took a centering breath. She hadn't told Jax about the confrontation in the hallway between she and Gemma the night of the reception. Hadn't seen the point. Somehow she didn't think that getting Jax into a tug of war between she and his mother was a good idea so she'd left it alone and tried to avoid Gemma. Fortunately he wasn't too keen on subjecting her to an over abundance of family time either and so Tara had managed to be in the same room with the woman only a handful of times, probably totaling no more than five minutes apiece. She had no idea why today was the day her luck had run out, but she supposed she might as well get it over with. She planned on spending as much time with Jax as possible, coming to terms with his mother was just part of the territory.

She pulled up in front of his house thirty minutes later on the dot and swallowed the ball of dread that rose in her throat. She had no idea what to expect but something told her this wasn't going to be very fun. She kept trying to remind herself of the joints she had stashed in her purse for later. God, she should have smoked one in advance.

Walking to the door, she raised her hand to knock only to have it open before her knuckles could make contact, revealing a grinning Jax.

"Gotcha." His blue eyes danced at the sight of her, his smile wide and genuine. It still took her breath away how clearly he wore his heart on his sleeve, how obvious his feelings were for her. He didn't care if the world knew he was in love with her and it melted her heart.

She lowered her arm and smiled. "Watching for me at your window, Teller?"

Taking a step out the door toward her, he pulled her into his arms. "You know it."

He lowered his head and took her mouth, heat spreading familiarly through his belly as her hand came up automatically to fist in his hair. Like his need to be with her, his reaction to her had only managed to intensify as the months drew on also. In school, sometimes all it would take was a look and he'd practically be out of his mind with wanting her. His thoughts never strayed too far from getting her out of her clothes and beneath him at every turn. Fuck, he was excited that summer was here.

"Okay, break it up will ya? Your teenage hormones are making me gag."

Jax smiled against Tara's mouth and dropped his hands to wind his fingers through hers, the exasperation coming from Clay as he walked by the front door on his way to the kitchen making him chuckle. "I guess we should go in."

Tara nodded. "Stay close to me."

She let him take her by the hand and lead her inside toward the kitchen, the incredible smells of home cooking surrounding them as they walked into the room. Gemma stood at the counter putting veggies into a huge wooden salad bowl. There were flowers on the table and a roast resting on the stove and Tara realized just how much having a mom made a house a home. Her dad didn't cook anything more complicated than Hamburger Helper, and that was when he was actually around for dinner. Gemma may have been intimidating but Tara couldn't help but envy Jax for having her.

"Smells great Mom."

Gemma looked up to see Jax and Tara standing in the kitchen and smiled sweetly over to them. The smile was warm enough but Tara could see that there was something calculating in it. "Hi kids. You ask your guest what she wanted to drink?"

Jax looked over to her. "Want a coke?"

Tara nodded and he smiled, kissing her on the forehead as he walked toward the garage to get it from the refrigerator, cocking his eyebrow at his mother in warning as he walked by. Gemma's eyes sucked the entire scene in like a sponge but said nothing as she started chopping the last of the salad vegetables. She'd wanted to see them together, to see how far this thing had gone and in two seconds she could tell she'd been right in forcing this.

From the minute she'd seen them together at the reception she'd known this girl had been different. Jackson had kept her in his sights all night, kept a hand somewhere on her whenever she was within touching distance. The way she'd watched him stare into her eyes as they'd danced, the way that he held her, she knew he was completely infatuated. The timing couldn't have been shittier, but maybe it wasn't too late to pull the rug out from under it before this little bitch derailed her son's destiny.

The silence was awkward and deafening in the kitchen as Gemma thought through her strategy until Tara couldn't stand it anymore. "Can I help with anything?"

Gemma sprinkled the last of the peppers into the salad and picked up the bowl, holding it out for Tara to grab. "Go ahead and take this to the table. I'll bring the roast out right behind ya."

Tara reached for the salad and did as she was told, hating that she wanted Gemma's approval so much. She was sure that if she analyzed it she could find a whole well of abandonment and mommy issues brewing in there along with the fact that the good opinion of her boyfriend's mother was preferable, but she didn't go there. She felt like a puppy and Gemma was holding a bag of treats. The idea filled her with self-loathing.

Jax came back in with their drinks just as Tara set the bowl down on the table. She looked so nervous he had to fight the urge to wrap her up in his arms and tell her that they didn't have to do this, but he knew that they'd better just get it over with. His mom could be intense, sometimes pretty harsh too, but he'd never known her not to mean well and it really didn't occur to him that she wouldn't like someone he loved so much if she would just give her a chance.

"Get your fingers out of there!"

The sound of his mother's irritated voice behind him had Jax turning his head to see Clay snatching a carrot from the roast she was setting on the table and being summarily chastised for it. Instead of looking contrite, he beamed at his new bride and popped it into his mouth. "What can I say? I like to grab things that look tasty."

The double entendre couldn't have been more obvious, driven home even further by the devilish smile on his face and Jax rolled his eyes. "Wow, and we made _you_ gag?"

Clay laughed and sat down at the head of the table, Gemma coming around to sit at his left while Jax sat down on his right. Tara took the seat beside Jax and tried her best to look calm and confident while she watched everyone start scooping food onto their plates, waiting until they'd finished to get some for herself.

Gemma cocked her eyebrow at Tara's empty plate. "You waiting to say grace sweetheart?"

Tara shook her head quickly and picked up her plate. "No, no I was just waiting for everyone else."

Jax grinned at her and took the plate from her hands before she could reach for any of the serving spoons on the platters in front of her. "I'll set you up, my mom makes the best roast you've ever had."

Looking over at his mom he gave her a quick wink as he dropped a heaping serving of meat and potatoes on Tara's plate and Gemma glared good-naturedly at him, knowing full well that she was being charmed but letting him get away with it anyway.

She watched as Jax took care to give Tara the best pieces of meat and potato and she was both proud and terrified. She'd raised him to be the kind of man that treated his woman with respect, but how in the hell was she supposed to be prepared for him finding her at sixteen? Now was as good a time as any to try and nip this in the bud.

"I got something to say."

Jax handed Tara her plate and looked up at his mother, the grim line of her mouth setting alarm bells off in his head. He'd promised Tara that everything would be fine, but the look on his mother's face said that he might have lied.

He watched as she glanced at Clay, got a nod of approval from him and then turned her attention back to Jax. "Piney and Clay and I have been talking for the last couple weeks about you and Opie. About the club."

Jax's heart stopped. He had no idea where this was going and the seriousness of her tone wasn't helping him figure that out.

"When your father started this club he wanted to create something lasting. A brotherhood, a family, that he could pass on to his boys."

Clay nodded his head. "Me, JT, Piney and the other guys wanted to make something special. A place where we made our own rules."

Gemma held Jax's eyes, seeing him hang on their every word. "This club, it's your birthright Jackson. Yours and Opie's. You guys are the next generation."

Reaching under the table, Clay pulled a kutte out from where he'd stashed it under his chair, the familiar "prospect" patch on the bottom rocker drawing Jackson's widening eyes.

"Club voted it unanimously today son. It's time for you to start earning your place."

Jax stared at the kutte, tearing his eyes away from Clay to his mother and then back to Clay in disbelief. "I'm not eighteen yet."

Clay's gaze grew intense. "Understand something right now. You and Opie have the advantage of First 9 blood. In the minds of a lot of people that means you have an automatic in, which means you guys have double to prove. So you're gonna do double the time. We're starting you early, but you finish prospecting the same time everyone else does."

The gravity of Clay's words registered and Jax stared at his stepfather. "Prospect twice?"

Prospecting was no joke, when the club said jump, you said how high. It meant, under normal circumstances, being the club bitch until a year was up and then they'd vote on whether or not they wanted to patch you in, make you prospect for awhile longer or decide you weren't SOA material and cut you loose. Prospecting twice meant that he and Opie would be at the beck and call of the club, doing all the shit no one wanted to do and having to do it with a smile on their face, for a minimum of two years. Jax couldn't remember anyone having to prospect twice, but then he didn't know any second generations of the First 9 other than he and Ope.

"You get through that and nobody will be able to accuse you guys of a free ride."

Tara silently watched the whole scene unfold, watched unspoken communication pass between them. This moment was huge. Up until now people had treated Jax and Opie with deference because everyone knew they were tied to the club. Now they were the club. Excited energy poured off of Jax despite his calm exterior and she knew what this meant to him but a small feeling of dread wound its way through her. She didn't know exactly how, all she knew was that everything was about to change.

Nodding his head slowly, Jax looked solemnly at the man that now wasn't just his step dad but his president. "Throw everything at me that you've got. If it takes prospecting twice for people to know I didn't coast in then that's what I'll do."

Clay nodded his head, his eyes filled with respect and Jax knew this moment would be one of those that stayed with him for the rest of his life.

"Which leads me to another thing I want to talk to you about."

Jax turned his attention back to his mother, his desire to put his new kutte on almost painful.

"Prospecting is a rough gig and those boys won't hesitate to kick the shit out of you." She looked from Jax to Tara, settling her attention on the object in her son's way. "You two are taking things a little fast and I think with everything coming up it might be better if you slowed it down."

Jax smiled humorlessly, his temper sparking. "You're lecturing me about taking things fast?"

Gemma turned her eyes back on his, staying calm in the face of his jab. "I'm just saying it might not be a good idea to get too serious right now. You're barely going to have the energy to wipe your ass at the end of the day, you don't need any more outside distractions than necessary."

He took Tara's hand under the table. "Tara isn't a distraction Mom. I've got no idea how this is going to change things, but it won't change the fact that I'm in love with her." Looking over into Tara's wide, shocked eyes he stared into them solemnly. "The rest will work itself out."

Her heart slammed in her chest and if she hadn't known it would make her look like a total ass she would have kissed him. He'd just told his mother, the woman who'd cornered her and planted every doubt she had all those months ago in her head, that he loved her as effortlessly as if he'd just announced that the sky was blue. The way that he'd looked at her when he'd said it, the intense way he was still looking at her, dared anyone who'd watched him make the declaration to doubt his words and part of her wanted to sing from the mountain tops while the other part wanted to stick her tongue out at Gemma in a gesture of "_So there_!"

Gemma stared at him, the steely glint she saw in his expression telling her that he was long past being able to be dissuaded about this and a knot formed in her gut. This wasn't some puppy love, bullshit, high school crush. This was the real deal and it looked as though little Ms. Knowles was here to stay.

It wasn't that she felt he'd chosen poorly, far from it. He'd actually chosen a little too perfectly. This girl was smart, beautiful and had a quiet strength about her that Gemma had been able to see from the get go. It made perfect sense that she'd be the kind of woman to lure her son. What made the blood suddenly run cold in her veins was the knowledge that she was also the type of girl who'd want more from her life than being a biker's old lady. Someday, if this shit lasted, she'd have to make a choice about that and it terrified Gemma to think that could mean Jax would have to make a choice too. The Sons were his birthright. If Tara Knowles didn't end up learning to love the club as much as she loved Jax, what then?

"You feel the same way about my son as he says he feels about you?"

Tara tore her eyes from the intensity in Jax's and looked at Gemma, meeting the older woman's gaze unflinchingly. "Yes, I do."

Despite herself, Gemma felt herself softening toward Tara. She could see the sincerity in her response, knew that she adored her son as much as he adored her. "You sure you know what you're getting into here?"

Tara smiled back and Gemma was surprised to see a hard edge, just barely visible, around its edges. "Not at all. I'm hoping you can help me."

_Clever little bitch_. The softening she'd felt was met with a new and grudging respect, which left her with only one option, even if it had been far from her first choice. The only thing that she wanted to see less than Jackson's assimilation into the club being derailed was him getting hurt. If this girl loved her son and her son was hell bent on keeping her in his life she would have to show her the ropes.

Nodding her head toward the prospect kutte on the table she let a soft smile grace her lips. "You do the honors then sweetheart."

Tara's eyes widened as she felt Jax's hand tighten over hers. Putting his kutte on him for the first time was an honor, almost ceremonial. She stood up and reached for the kutte as Jax stared at his mother, the significance of the gesture not at all lost on him. He nodded gratefully at her and then stood up, turning around so Tara could slip the cool, smooth leather up his arms and onto his back.

It felt as if it had been there his entire life.

"Looks good Son."

Jax nodded at Clay, at a loss for what more to say and the older man took mercy on him. "Now get the hell out of here and go to that party. Enjoy your last moments of freedom."

Taking Tara's hand, a huge grin on his face, he led her from the house and to his bike. Night had fallen, which meant the party was probably in full swing out at Macon Woods by now. Exhilaration and pure joy snapped around him like electricity as she wrapped her arms around him and held on, the smell of the leather so new and yet already so familiar. She had no idea if that turned her on or scared her shitless.

Pulling up to where the other kids had parked their cars Jax parked and they climbed off of the bike to make their way to the party before he stopped and pulled her to him. He took her hands, looking down at how soft and delicate they looked against his own. This morning his summer plans had consisted of sleeping in, hanging out with Opie and finding new and exciting places to make love to Tara. Now he'd be at the clubhouse every day, working in the garage and doing what he was told by the club. He'd known all of these guys since birth, knew that they were going to relish putting him through the ringer and the excitement he felt at knowing that he was on the path churned through him with the force of a freight train. The road was going to be long and hard, but he was finally on his way to his future.

Looking back up from their joined hands so he could gaze into her eyes, he saw the uncertainty deep within them and loved her for how hard she was trying to hide it. She knew what this meant to him and he smiled affectionately at her, awed once again by how lucky he was to have found her. She was part of him, she ran through his veins, and even though it killed him to know that he would be separated from her far more than he'd planned he knew that nothing was going to tear them apart. He just knew it.

"You know whenever I think about the night I got my prospect kutte, you'll be part of it."

She nodded and pressed a small kiss to his lips. "You won't be able to forget me now, looks like you're stuck with me."

Jax deepened the kiss, his tongue running softly over her lip until she opened her mouth to let him slide it slowly inside. He let go of her hands to bring them to her face, pressing his body closer until he could feel the softness and heat of her against him. In this moment, with the warm summer air caressing their skin and the sounds of music and laughter drifting toward them on the night sky, Jax felt absolutely perfect. He had his girl and now he had his kutte. In the top nights of his life, this ranked among the very highest.

Dragging his mouth reluctantly away he pressed his forehead to hers. "I love you."

Tara sighed contentedly, the nerves from the evening fading away. "I love you too."

Pulling back he smiled down into her face. "Let's go tear this shit up."

She chuckled and they made their way to the party, following the sounds through the darkness, until they made it to the clearing in the woods where a campfire lit the darkness and Green Day blared from a CD boom box that someone had brought. As they made their way through their classmates, Tara noticed that people were staring at Jax, at his kutte. They gave him a wide berth, their expressions a mix of awe and a little fear and it surprised her that she liked it. Being on the opposite end of the kutte made people uneasy, but it made her feel even safer, even more protected. She felt untouchable. It was almost intoxicating.

It didn't take long to find Opie, his silhouette against the campfire already towering over everyone else by at least five inches and they made a beeline for him. Tara noticed he had a prospect kutte on too almost immediately.

"Ope!"

He turned around and smiled serenely as Jax made his way over, clapping his huge arms around his friend in a strong hug before pulling back from him and handing Jax a beer. "And so it begins brother."

Jax nodded and lifted his beer to toast. "To the Reaper Crew."

Opie chuckled and clanked his beer against Jax's at the sound of the name they'd come up with for their generation of Sons.

Donna sidled up next to Tara as the boys began to talk excitedly about prospecting. "You'd think they'd won the lottery."

Tara smiled at her friend, reaching into her purse for one of the joints she'd desperately wanted ever since Jax had called her about dinner. "Or found the cure for cancer."

Donna laughed, watching as Tara lit the joint and hit it deeply. "Rough day dear?"

Tara passed the blunt and let then smoke she'd been holding in her lungs slowly out as Donna took a hit. "School is out, had dinner with Jax's mom and watched him get his prospect kutte. Just another day at the office."

Donna's smile slowly faded as she passed the smoke back and gazed at Opie. "Does it scare you?"

Tara took another greedy hit, letting the acrid smoke fill her lungs until the familiar tingling in her lips and looseness in her limbs told her it was doing its thing. "What?"

Donna turned to face her, her eyes big and worried in her delicate, almost doll-like face. "Samcro. The shit they do. They say they're just a motorcycle club, but we know what that really means. Are you scared at all of that? Cuz I sure as hell am."

Tara looked away from Donna over at Jax. When she was thirteen she'd seen a couple Sons beat up a guy outside of the gas station. They'd come up on him while he was filling his tank, taken the nozzle out of his car and doused him with it. She had no idea what it was over, why they'd come after the guy, but in that moment she had been terrified that they'd make good on the threats they were hurling to light the guy on fire. Her dad had hurried out of the station they'd driven away before she could see how it ended.

_Never get involved with the Sons of Anarchy Tara. They'll own you for life._

Tara ignored the shudder the memory elicited and the gnawing unease she'd felt from the moment she'd laid eyes on the kutte. "There's nothing to be scared of Donna." Taking the joint back she smiled at her friend. "They're just a club."


	15. Chapter 15

**I'm so glad so many of you are reading and enjoying the story. Sorry the updates have been slow, these later chapters have been giving me fits! This one was rewritten three times. I've never written anything this long before and I am appreciating the feedback about what you think so far. I am planning on writing up to the last episode of season one and obviously the progression of their relationship in the past as well. Thank you again for the reviews and for reading, obviously any and all thoughts are very welcome. I hope you continue to enjoy it.**

For days it seemed like Tara saw him everywhere. She'd be at the super market, or gassing up the Cutlass and she'd do a double take, her breath catching and her heart racing until she realized that she hadn't actually seen him at all. Ever since he'd come to the hospital, made his presence known, she hadn't been able to stop looking over her shoulder.

Instead of going home like she'd planned to the day he'd shown up in the hospital she had gone to the Taste of Charming event that Gemma was throwing. She hadn't wanted to be alone, had wanted to be around people. Be around Jax. She knew he'd be there; all of the Sons would be if Gemma was throwing it. There was no safer place in the world so she'd pushed her exhaustion aside just to be around the people who made her feel protected, made her feel at home.

But she hadn't been there two minutes when she'd come across the booths and there he was, cooking goddamn chili with the cops and mingling with the locals as if he belonged here.

She'd gone home and fell to the bed, allowing the sobs to finally overtake her. She hated crying, hated the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness that always precipitated it but she couldn't help it. For the first time in a long time she had no idea what to do, no idea where to run and she'd fallen into a fitful sleep.

She woke up disoriented in her dusky room and sat up in her bed, looking over at the clock to see that it was after five. Dim, orange light streamed in through her windows, casting a soft glow around the room that wrapped comfortingly around her. Getting up from the bed she stretched, felt her muscles loosen and warm from her nap and she walked slowly out of her bedroom. In moments like these it was hard for her to comprehend that she was in any danger, with a quiet house and familiar comforts all around her.

She was being honest when she told Gemma that she was working through the clutter her dad had left behind a room at a time. Aimlessly she padded in her bare feet from room to room, inventorying all of the things she wanted to get to on her day off. She'd been estranged from her father for so long by the time he'd died that she felt no sense of nostalgia taking over his space and moved her things into the master bedroom upon getting back into town. This was her house now and it made sense that if she was going to stay in it that she stay in the master bedroom.

Moving down the hall, she took the knob to her old room in her hands and slowly pushed it open, feeling her chest constrict. There had been no sentimentality in the master bedroom. Probably because all of it was in here.

Just like the rest of the house, this room had been filled with odds and ends that her dad had accumulated, but the shadow of how it had been when she'd lived here as a teenager remained. Her bed was still there, along with the simple, royal blue quilt and matching pillowcases. The matching royal blue curtains were still up as well, though they'd faded with time. Tara looked at the window, thought of all the times it had been used as a door for either her or Jax. If she concentrated hard enough she could almost see him peering through it, his smile filled with conspiracy, mischief, charm and love and she turned to leave the room, a hollow ache in her chest.

It had taken coming back to Charming, being around Jax again, for her to truly realize what she'd lost and her raw emotions threatened to overtake her for the second time today. She'd wanted more, so much more for her life and she hadn't questioned her decision until she'd started dating other people. The first guy she'd slept with after Jax had been the exact opposite of him. He was pre law and they'd gone for coffee, talked for hours and hours about what branch of medicine she was interested in and what kind of law he was passionate about. He was a perfect gentleman, a clean-cut kid there on an academic scholarship and she'd slept with him in his dorm room, never to call him again.

She'd chalked it up to only ever being in a relationship with one man that had her skin crawling at his too soft hands and her eyes closing to block out the dark brown gaze of his own. He was just different, she'd thought. But as the years had gone by and she'd dated guys here and there, they always came up lacking and excuse after excuse kept her going. She was concentrating on her schoolwork, she was trying to get a good internship, she was competing for a fellowship. There was always a reason that the guys she dated couldn't hold her attention, always an explanation that kept her from delving too far into why no one could interest her long term.

When she'd met Joshua it was much of the same. He'd come in to visit a friend who'd been shot in the line of duty and made her laugh at the nurse's station. After that, he came by every day until she finally agreed to go on a date with him. He'd been sweet, attentive and smart. At first he'd been perfectly rational, but in retrospect she could see that he'd started his games from the beginning. The first time he sent her pink roses was the night after their first date. She'd laughed, finding the gesture sweet if not a little out of the clueless guy handbook. The last time he'd sent them, not counting sprinkling them menacingly on her windshield, had been right after he'd backhanded her in his apartment in a psychotic attempt to apologize for terrorizing and brutalizing her.

Tara sat down on the couch and turned on the TV, suddenly wanting some noise over the stillness around her. She didn't want to go back down that road again, was worn out from thinking about what had happened and how it was continuing to happen. All that mattered was she'd gotten away from him, hadn't let him touch her since that fateful night in his apartment and she didn't intend for that to change. She hadn't loved him, which she supposed had made it easier for her to leave after that first fateful incident. She hadn't loved any of them.

Then she'd come back to Charming, hoping against hope that she would be safe among people that knew her and had cared about her once and her heart had come painfully back to life. The moment she'd seen him standing in the window of the nursery, gazing down at the babies it had been like a defibrillator to the chest. She'd forgotten just what it was like to look at a man and feel him in every one of the cells in her body.

Turning the TV onto an obnoxious sitcom she set about cleaning out the rest of the family room, working into that night and the rest of her day off. Having a task calmed her, soothed her, and not leaving the house kept her from having to be slapped in the face with Josh's presence unexpectedly. She thought about all of the good things happening in her life, all of the strides she was making at the hospital and the strides she was making with Jax. Even if they were only friends, having him back in her life filled holes that she hadn't known were even there and she was proud of that. Before they'd been lovers he had been her friend, the best friend she'd ever had. As the days went by, no matter what those days brought, she cherished the knowledge that she had that back again.

Her time off over and the main living areas in the house adequately organized she walked through the halls of St. Thomas and found herself heading toward the NICU to look in on Abel. He was getting stronger everyday, which would mean that he'd move to the regular nursery soon and then be discharged. She had to admit that the idea tore her apart. She was prouder of playing a part in saving him than any other accomplishment in her career to date, but once he was off of her service she would see less and less of him and she'd come to care for the little guy more than she could have anticipated. She just adored him, looked forward to seeing him every day. She also had to admit, only to herself, that Abel's discharge would mean losing an excuse to see Jax everyday too. The idea made her stomach sink.

As she approached the window to Abel's room she almost thought her eyes were playing tricks again, but as she got closer to the door she realized that this time it was real. Joshua was standing there, gazing down at the baby and her heart dropped to her toes.

The instinct to protect him, to get Kohn as far away as possible had her dashing toward the door and throwing it open.

"What are you doing in here?"

Kohn kept his wide eyes on the baby, his expression thoughtful and pained. "Um, I was curious."

He seemed lost in thought, in a world of his own and it unnerved her to her core. She wanted him out. Now. "This incubation chamber is for medical personnel and family only."

Still staring at the baby, his voice came out soft and wistful. "It still hurts me."

Tara had to swallow hard at the panic that welled up in her throat as she understood where his thoughts had gone. It was the reason he'd finally gone from trying to control her to actually hitting her. To this day she didn't know how he'd found out about the abortion but her decision to end her pregnancy with his baby had made the monster come out of hiding. She wanted to back away, get out of the room, but her feet wouldn't move. She wasn't going anywhere if it meant leaving him with Abel.

Seeming to come out of his reverie he looked up at her, the danger a distant threat in his eyes hiding behind the wounded façade he'd adopted since his arrival. "Be at Samcro in 45 minutes if you wanna see his future, and yours too maybe."

He walked out and she sprang to Abel's monitors, checking all of his vitals. Looking into his sweet little face she was satisfied that Josh hadn't hurt him but terrified by the knowledge that he could. That, if he felt like it would gain him something in this chess game with her, he would.

She walked back out of the room on shaky legs and started her rounds, part of her wondering if this was a trap somehow. After thirty minutes, however, the curiosity was too much and she pushed that worry to the back of her mind, grabbing her purse from her locker and heading out to the Cutlass. She knew that he was "investigating" Samcro and the idea that he would do something to Jax had her swinging out of the lot and onto the road to the clubhouse faster than she could think of a reason not to.

As she drew closer to Teller-Morrow she could see the reflection from the police lights onto the street. Reaching the driveway she slowed to a stop and looked over into the compound, seeing Jax handcuffed on the ground with a few of the other Sons. She had no idea what it was about but if Joshua had something to do with it the horrible knowledge that she'd brought it down upon them made her gut turn to stone.

It was too much, all just too much and she slowly put her foot on the gas, driving down the street a few yards before pulling off to the side of the road. She'd never meant for this, for her need to be safe to put Jax in harm's way. Her head swam, her stomach pitched and she put her forehead down onto the steering wheel. She concentrated on taking deep breaths until the feeling came back into her limbs and she knew the panic attack had begun to ebb. She hadn't had one since she'd come back and she hated Joshua, hated him to her core for coming into her sanctuary and defiling it on top of everything else he'd done.

Feeling steady enough to drive again she pulled away from the curb and headed home, her mind racing with what to do. The thought came to her that she might have to run again, but everything in her told her not to. She didn't want to run away from him for the rest of her life, knew he could find her wherever she went. But, if it came down to him hurting Jax to get to her, she'd leave in a heartbeat. Draw him away. She prayed it didn't come to that, but knew she would do it if she had to. Jax wasn't a sacrifice she was willing to make in order to save herself and she stayed up half the night thinking about it, staring at the ceiling above her bed.

The next day she tried to concentrate on work, hearing nothing from the gossip mill about any big arrests for Samcro. She set about her day, feeling relief only when she'd finished her first rounds and he hadn't popped up from out of nowhere like a villain in a horror movie. One of her patient's parents, a mother whose child was battling cancer actually commented on how tired Tara looked and she had to struggle not to burst into dark laughter. If a woman in the middle of enduring what that mother was thought Tara looked tired, she must look like absolute shit.

Coming out of the room she walked down the hall, turning just in time to see Jax. It was like everyone melted away from her view but him and she found her feet moving toward him, as if she was being pulled in his direction. He was the only person she'd wanted to see in days, the only one she'd wanted to talk to and now that he was here she couldn't help but feel almost giddy. It made her feel pathetic but she couldn't give a fuck at the moment. He was here and there was air in the room again.

Approaching him, loving the way his mouth spread into a warm smile and his eyes twinkled the moment he saw her, she immediately decided to get to the bottom of how deep the problems Kohn had caused for him went.

"Hey, you okay?"

Jax's eyebrows furrowed in confusion as they fell into step with each other in the direction of the NICU. "Yeah, why?"

"I was going past the clubhouse yesterday, I saw all these cops."

Jax rolled his eyes. "Aw, that was a bunch of bullshit. Got this ATF agent harassing us, following me. Showed up here. The guy's nuts, looking for dirt that doesn't exist."

Jax turned to look at Tara and saw that she'd stopped walking with him a few steps back, her face pale and staring into space. He turned to face her, concern creeping into his mind. She looked absolutely terrified and he felt his instincts prickle.

Looking up at him she tried to keep her expression calm but she was failing miserably. "I'm, uh, just finishing up my rounds. Do you mind giving me a ride home?"

"Sure. What's going on?"

His quick agreement seemed to calm her but the dread in her eyes remained. "Shitty day, my nerves are kinda shot."

He knew she was lying, was getting good at seeing through all of the new ways she tried to hide her emotions from him but he didn't call her out on it. Instead he reached out to gently grasp her shoulder, giving it a squeeze to let her know he was here for her. "Well, I'll be with the kid."

She smiled gratefully. "Thanks."

Thirty minutes later she climbed onto the back of his bike, wrapping her arms around him and holding tight. Jax took a steadying breath, trying hard to keep her from sensing what the feeling did to him. She felt so good against him, so right holding onto him that it almost hurt. He started it up, heading out onto 44 toward her house and concentrated on this moment. His life was a lot of chaos, more so than usual with crazy ass survivalist groups drawing federal heat on the club, a deficit owed to the Irish to keep the guns from being sold out from under them to the Russians and all the shit with his family. Lately, he hadn't had a lot of perfect moments, but the sun on his face and the roar of his bike coupled with the feeling, the incredible feeling, of Tara's arms holding onto him like she used to counted as one. He relished it, let the sensations of peace and happiness mixed with the ever present heat that burned slow and steady inside of him whenever she was in striking distance wash over him.

Taking the turn that would lead him to her neighbor hood he realized the Saturn that had pulled out behind them from the hospital was still with them. Turn for turn he matched Jax until it seemed far too obvious that they were being followed. He couldn't see the driver, but he was pretty sure it was probably a fed. They hadn't turned anything up after they'd trashed the clubhouse, especially because they hadn't thought to look through the holding tank of the shit truck. He tried to ignore the annoyance being tailed stirred inside of him, tried to remind himself that without any evidence they'd be gone soon enough.

He pulled up in front of Tara's house all too soon and she climbed slowly off of the bike, smiling almost shyly at him. "Appreciate the lift."

He smiled up at her as her fingers went to work on unfastening the helmet. "No problem."

Climbing off of the bike he took the helmet and put it on the handlebars. "Where's the Cutlass?"

Tara looked down into her bag to dig for her keys so she could get into the house, avoiding his eyes. "Oh, it's at the hospital."

His eyebrows lowered in confusion. "Still not running right?"

She glanced around them, feeling exposed and vulnerable outside. "It's running okay."

Her voice was quiet, distracted and the nervousness in her eyes had something clicking in Jax's head. Glancing over his shoulder at where the Saturn had parked down the street he turned back to look at her face and narrowed his eyes. "This worry I'm getting here? That have anything to do with that car that's been following us?"

The look of unease she'd had on her face ever since she'd asked for a ride home bloomed into one of full blown terror and her eyes began darting frantically from car to car, trying to figure out which one he was talking about.

Jax angled his head in the direction of the Saturn. "The compact parked halfway down the block."

Her eyes landed on it and even though she couldn't see the face of the person behind the wheel, she knew it was Joshua. Her heart started pounding and she backed toward her door. Jax's face went from confused to worried in a split second. He had no idea what in the fuck was going on, but she looked terrified and it turned every instinct on inside of him to protect her, even if he had no idea what he was protecting her from.

She made it to her front door and tried to jam the key in the lock, her hands shaking so badly that she couldn't manage to make them line up as he came up behind her. "Tara. What the hell's going on?"

Giving up on the lock entirely she turned to face him. His eyes burned into hers, demanding an explanation and she knew she couldn't keep it inside anymore. Not from him.

"That ATF agent that's been looking into you guys? I think he's here for me."

"What are you talking about?"

"I was with him. In Chicago. It got violent, I tried to end it, he started stalking me."

Her words had come in desperate bursts that, once out, left a feeling of weightlessness in her chest. He knew. She'd wanted to tell him since she'd come back, to tell him everyday since she'd found out she had been followed, but she hadn't known how. Now she wasn't carrying a secret anymore and a calm began to steal over her. She didn't have to face it alone.

Before she could relish in the relief though she saw the look of quiet rage creep into his previously concerned eyes and fear tickled the back of her neck. She'd seen that look before and it usually involved him rushing headlong into a situation on anger and testosterone. He turned on his heel and stalked down the driveway, her fear growing as she watched every step he took. Josh was a federal agent and he was crazy as a shit house rat. As much as she had wanted Jax to protect her, she had no desire to see him hurt as a result.

"Jax."

He was almost to the end of the driveway, his eyes dialed in solely on the car down the street and her panic grew. "Don't, he's dangerous!"

He whirled around and pointed toward her front door. "Go back inside Tara, lock the door."

Turning back toward the compact he stalked away from Tara, vaguely aware of the sound of her front door closing in the distance as he reached for the knife on his belt. As he got closer he saw that their suspicions were confirmed, the driver of the car was the ATF agent who'd been hounding him and he put all of his strength into shoving his knife as deep into the radiator as he could.

The car door opened and the asshole climbed out, taking his sunglasses off as he calmly surveyed the damage. "Vandalism, deadly weapon, that's six months in county asshole."

Jax stepped toe to toe with him, his hand itching to plunge the knife again. "Violating a restraining order? You'll be in the cell next to me." Narrowing his eyes, he cocked his head slightly. "They teach you to suck a dick in ATF school?"

Kohn's nostrils flared, the only indication that Jax was getting to him on his otherwise cocksure expression. "Badass biker."

His words dripped condescension but Jackson knew he had the upper hand and he pressed his advantage, laughing mirthlessly in Kohn's face. "You guys gave it your best shot. You got nothing on Samcro and you harassing Tara? That ends here or next time it won't be a piece of shit car I'm draining fluid from."

Kohn stared down his nose at Jax, trying his best to use his height advantage. "You threatening a federal agent?"

Jax's face was deadly serious. "I'm threatening you. Go away. It's my last warning."

He turned to walk back to Tara's house, the rage inside of him barely quenched. Glancing over his shoulder only once as he climbed the step to her front door he felt a small sense of satisfaction in seeing the asshole walking back toward the road to town. It was a good couple miles and the guy looked like a total pussy. Jax bet he'd call a cab the minute he reached 44.

He knocked on her door, his eyes filled with confusion and worry when she answered it. She looked exhausted and scared and he wanted nothing more than to wipe the look of worry off of her face.

She looked him up and down quickly. "Are you okay?"

He nodded. "I'm fine. What the fuck happened with that guy Tara?"

She turned away from him and walked into her house, leaving him to follow her inside. He closed the door behind him and watched her patiently as she stood facing away from him for a minute, her arms wrapped around herself before she turned back, a thoughtful expression on her face.

"What's my favorite flower Jax?"

His voice was soft, his response instant. "Sweet peas. Purple ones."

Nodding her head she felt her heart go. He'd answered without even a second of hesitation, even after all this time. No one had ever loved her like Jax and his answer to what was probably the silliest question of all time proved something to her. She'd never loved anyone like she'd loved him either.

Closing the distance between them he put his hands in his pockets, not trusting them in light of the questions he wanted her to answer. "What did you mean when you said it got violent Tara? What the fuck did he do to you?"

She met his eyes and took in a shaky breath. "We dated for a couple months. He started getting possessive, controlling. I wanted out, went to his place and told him it was over. He slapped me across the face, wouldn't let me leave his apartment for hours. I acted like I was going to the bathroom and I squeezed through a window."

She didn't tell him about the abortion, but the basic facts were true enough. She _had _gone over there that night to end things, hadn't been prepared when his response had been violent. Then he'd told her he knew about the baby and the monster inside of him, the one whose existence she'd only seen hints of, had revealed itself completely. If she hadn't managed to get away she believed in her soul that he would have killed her that night.

The mental images that swam through his mind at her words had his hands balling into fists against his legs but he pressed calmly on. "Did you love him?"

She shook her head slowly and he swallowed hard. It was bad enough that he'd had to know that an old boyfriend of hers had laid hands on her, that she'd been terrified enough to escape out of bathroom window and get a restraining order. It was another to imagine that she'd fallen in love with that piece of shit. He shouldn't have cared, but he did. God he did.

Losing his battle not to touch her he reached out and rubbed his hands up and down her crossed arms. "This guy isn't going to get near you. I won't let him."

Looking up into his eyes she saw his sincerity and found herself nodding. She believed him utterly, knew that he would help her and she had no intention of not letting him. It was moments like these, moments that had come more and more frequently lately when she realized that she never should have left him. Becoming a doctor had been her calling, she would always be proud of achieving that. But leaving Jax? So many times over the years she'd wondered if she'd fought hard enough to get him to leave with her. She'd been so hell bent on getting him out of Charming, out of the club that was slowly turning her carefree boy into a hardened criminal, that she'd made the ultimatum thinking he'd take it. When he hadn't, when he'd chosen the club over her, she had been too hurt to take it back.

He gave her arms a final, tender squeeze and dropped his hands. "I'm gonna go. I saw him walking back toward town but I want you to keep your doors locked. Call me if he tries anything else."

She nodded again and walked with him toward the door, watched as he made his way toward his bike.

"I'm sorry."

He turned back toward her at her words, looking at her intently. "For what?"

She folded her arms in front of her again and took a deep breath. "For getting you involved in this."

Jax smiled and shook his head. "You didn't do shit, okay? That sick fuck did this all on his own. I'll take care of it."

The corners of her mouth kicked up into the faint shadow of a smile and it warmed his heart. He'd always been able to make her feel better. It was nice to see he hadn't lost his touch.

Jax was true to his word, even if it meant going to Hale to tell him about Kohn. At the end of the day he knew he could threaten the dude as much as he wanted but the best way to keep a rat out of your house was shore up every place the rat could hide, and that meant getting him out of the good graces of Charming PD.

It had felt good that night at the hospital to tell Tara that Kohn wouldn't be bothering her anymore. He'd clearly underestimated Jax if he thought he could come into Charming and bully Tara without some serious consequences. No one fucked with Tara. Not as long as he was breathing.

The enraged and frantic call from his mother the next day though told him that maybe this guy didn't realize how dangerous a game he was playing as Jax made his way back to his house.

Walking inside he made his way to Abel's room, a room the baby boy hadn't slept in yet but had already been defiled and a haze of rage began to burn around his peripheral vision. He could smell the piss on the carpet, see his son's things thrown around and his heart pounded. His eyes lit upon a picture collage on the far wall and he walked toward it, seeing a picture on the wall of him banging the chick from Nevada up for all to see, for his mother to see. Then he saw a picture that he always kept close and his heart stopped.

The picture that had gone missing the day the feds had trashed the apartment in the back of the clubhouse was hung up, except that he and Thomas had their eyes scratched out. It was the last picture he had of them together before Thomas had gotten too sick to go to the beach anymore and his jaw set in fury. This guy was going after everything he loved. He was about to find out just how fucked he was for that.

Jax only realized he'd left his house once he was on the way to Floyd's. He'd called Hale to tell him Kohn was still around and Hale had let it slip where he was. In the back of his mind Jax wondered if he'd done it on purpose, but he didn't think about it long for as soon as he pulled up in front of the barber shop the roar in his head drowned out all thought.

Throwing the door open he strode over to where Kohn reclined in the chair, his face covered with warm shaving cream as if he hadn't just destroyed a sick baby's room on top of terrifying a woman whose importance to Jax knew no definition. Floyd backed away, seeing the murder in the young biker's eyes. He had no idea what had put it there but he knew how this was going to end and he got as far out of harm's way as he could.

"I'm really going to miss this Floyd."

Kohn's words hung in the air unanswered for a moment, long enough to have him opening his eyes to see Jax glaring down at him and he jumped to action, knowing he was too late to get away from the wrath he saw but instinctively trying anyway.

Quick as lightening Jax grabbed him by the shirt, yanking him up to shove him against the mirror before he could get anywhere. Putting his mouth next to Kohn's ear his words came out between gnashed teeth. "You wanna go to war with me you sick piece of shit?"

Kohn struggled in his grip, trying to get away, but it was too late and Jax threw him with all of his might toward the window. Shards of plate glass exploded all around him as his body sailed toward the sidewalk, cutting his face and hands as it rained down on him. Disoriented, he had no time to get up before Jax was on him, landing punch after punch to his face.

A searing pain stopped the onslaught and Jax reeled backward with a scream, looking down to see that the sonofabitch had grabbed a pair of seven inch barber sheers at some point and had buried them in his quad.

He barely remembered anything after that, it was as if his mind went on autopilot. When he would think about it later, he knew that if Hale hadn't shown up he would have killed Kohn right there on Main street. Beat him to death with his bare hands. But Hale _had _shown up and he'd yanked Jax off of the half conscious man, shoving him into the back of the squad car to separate them so fast that Jax hadn't even had the presence of mind to protest.

Back at the station a medic had patched up his leg before putting him in an interview room when he'd refused to go to the hospital. It wouldn't be his first scar, a bandage and some whiskey would fix it up just fine. He couldn't get the list of evils this guy had done out of his head as he sat alone to stew, waiting for Unser to come in and release him. His son, his beautiful boy, wasn't even out of the NICU and his room had been destroyed. And for what? Because a psycho couldn't let go of a woman who'd never been his. Jax's blood boiled. He had pictured Tara, terrified and bruised, climbing in fear out of a window into the cold Chicago night so many times since she'd told him about it that his hands had begged as if they had a mind of their own to do what he'd done today every moment since. He'd hated men before, exacted revenge and committed violence as necessary in the name of Samcro. This was different. This was personal and the hate he felt for Agent Josh Kohn was so intense, so all consuming that it was like an entity of its own. No one tried to hurt what Jax loved and got away with it. No one.

The door to the room swung open and Jax looked up to see the agent who'd introduced herself a few days ago as Agent Stahl walk in, followed by a very annoyed looking Chief Unser. They sat down at the table with Jax and he tried to ignore the throbbing in his leg as she cut straight to reading Floyd's statement aloud.

"Barber says you came in for a haircut. Agent Kohn attacks you with a pair of scissors so you pushed him through a plate glass window. Self defense."

Jax looked guilelessly over at her. "That's what Floyd saw I guess that's what happened."

Stahl let out a chuckle that was irritated and amused all at the same time. "That's fantastic. Tell me, are they all just afraid of you or convinced that you're a necessary evil?"

Jax had to fight not to roll his eyes. He was no stranger to cop tactics. They said things that they knew would piss you off in an effort to get you to talk. Hell, it was a tactic even his mother tried to use and if he could get around Gemma this bitch stood no chance.

"You charging me?"

Unser glanced at the Stockton agent with annoyance. "No charges."

Jax got up to leave, his leg screaming in protest as Stahl interrupted his progress. "Why does Kohn have a hard-on for you?"

Dropping back down in his seat he looked at her wide, curious eyes and felt weary overtake him. "You know why."

She smiled at Jax. "You're right I do." Leaning back she smiled theatrically at Jax. "Tara Knowles. The Charming ingénue. High school sweethearts, right?"

Jax's voice grew soft. "Yeah."

"She fears for her life, so she comes back home to the only man she knows loves her enough to protect her. A guy who'd have no problem putting a fed through a plate glass window." Her tone grew quiet as her cold eyes bored into his. "That's beautiful. Really, it is. I wish I had that kind of pull over someone. You're a lucky man."

His heart slammed in his ribs but he kept his face composed, unaffected. "You done?"

Unser knew Jax enough to know that Stahl had found the right nerve to press no matter how well the younger man was hiding it and he came to the rescue. "Yeah, she's done."

Pushing himself away from the table Jax limped through the police station, his eyes focused on the front door.

_I wish I had that kind of pull over someone._

She was a cop, a federal agent, but the poison she was spewing had truth in it. The most effective poison always did. Tara was a smart person, one of the smartest that he knew, and she was a survivor. Was this all some kind of plan? It was one thing to come back to a town filled with bikers because you were afraid. That he could get. But had she purposefully tried to get close to him again after all of these years of silence just so he would do her dirty work? Was she using him?

He felt like the biggest asshole alive, because if that was the case, she hadn't had to try in the slightest. He'd jumped to her defense willingly, eagerly, and why? Because he had a sense of chivalry that would make him defend the damsel in distress? No, because she _did _have pull over him. No matter how much he hated himself for it, she always did and she always would. He'd loved her when she was sixteen. Now, ten years later, their relationship was complicated. It wasn't the simple relationship of two teenagers finding each other in a chaotic world but instead it was two chaotic adults trying to find their way. One thing was for certain though as he felt his leg throbbing and his knuckles burning, there was still love, at least on his end. There had always been love.

He sat on his bike and waited, watched as the sheriff's deputy charged with driving Kohn to the airport finally brought him out and put him in the back of a squad car, his eyes glaring daggers at Jax as they all started toward the airport.

Jax kept a close tail, parking next to the squad car to glare in at Kohn at every stop until they hit the Charming town limits and then he watched them proceed without him. Satisfied that his job was done he turned around and headed back toward town with the setting sun at his back and a heaviness over his heart.

It was almost full dark when he made it back to his own house, his desire to be alone outweighing his obligation to be at the clubhouse for Half Sack's boxing match. Pulling into the driveway he was unsurprised to see his mother's car still there. There was no way she would have let her grandson's room stay in the condition she'd found it in and he loved her for it, even if all he wanted at the moment was to be alone to sort out the mess in his head.

Gemma watched him limp in and took a drag off of her joint. "Why aren't you at the fight?"

Jax leaned against the crib, every muscle in his body filled with fatigue. "I've had my share for the day."

"Yeah, your leg okay?"

"Yeah."

Passing the joint over to him she searched his face, saw the pain and fatigue there but also storminess in his eyes that she hadn't seen in awhile. She was pretty sure she knew who'd put it there. "Where's the doctor?"

Annoyance crossed his features but the softness in his voice gave him away. "I don't know."

Gemma had to fight not to groan. She had to snuff this shit out now and pussyfooting around wasn't going to get that done. "Where are going with that Jax?"

He looked intently into her eyes. "Nowhere."

Despite the firmness in his response she could still see the tumult. She knew her boy. "I don't believe that. I've seen the two of you together. See how you act around her. She's still got ties in you."

_I wish I had that kind of pull over someone._

His mother's words echoed Stahl's so closely, poured salt in his wounds so efficiently that he snapped. "You know what? I don't give a shit what you think. What I do, what Tara does, it's not your business."

Gemma bristled under his anger. "Oh, cleaning up piss and broken cribs, that's my business?"

Jax took a step toward her, the anger inside of him finding a small outlet in the form of his mother. "No one asked you to take this on. This house, this kid. It's not your burden. It's mine."

He walked out the way he'd come, slamming the door behind him just as Gemma put her head wearily in her hand.

"Shit."

She had meant to shine a light on what she'd seen as the beginning of a newfound relationship between Jax and that traitorous little gash. His response sunk her heart as she realized that there was nothing new about what was going on between he and Tara. It was, in fact, very old with very deep roots. No matter how much that girl hurt him Gemma had never been able to get him to shift his loyalty away. When push came to shove, he always took Tara's side and the harder you pushed the further you drove him toward her. She should have remembered that and now she'd only hurt her case as she heard his bike start up and pull away.

There was nowhere Jax wanted to go. He didn't want to go back to his house and he didn't want to go to the clubhouse where the post fight party would be in full swing. Pulling into a gas station he picked up a new pack of smokes and some tallboys. As much as he hated himself at the moment for it, the only place he wanted to be was with Tara.

Pulling up in front of her house he limped over to her front step and sat down, the chill from the concrete immediately reaching his skin through his jeans and he put his hood up over his head. He lit a smoke and cracked open a tall boy, leaving it covered by the paper bag he'd bought it in. As he took a deep drink a passage he'd read earlier in his father's manuscript came to his mind.

_The older I get the more I realize that age doesn't bring wisdom, it only brings weary. I'm not any smarter than I was 30 years ago. I've just grown too tired to juggle the lies and hide the fear. Self-awareness doesn't reveal my indiscretions. Exhaustion does._

Truer words were never spoken. He wasn't any smarter than he was 10 years ago and he was too tired to hide from the fact that he definitely wasn't any less in love. With the day drawing to a close and the fatigue of all it had entailed settling down into his bones he could see that he'd let himself be her puppet. He couldn't tell what hurt him worse, the fact that he could be so blindly used or the fact that she would use him. It made him feel like all of the emotions, all of the history that had been stirred upon her return was incredibly one sided and the idea of it broke his heart.

Headlights slid across his body along with the sound of her Cutlass and he threw his cigarette on the ground, stomping it out with his foot as he watched her get out of the car.

"Jesus. Are you okay?"

Concern was etched all over her face and it seemed so genuine that his confusion deepened. She looked so beautiful in the moonlight, so strong and so fragile all at once. He wanted to tuck a thick strand of her hair back behind her ear as she sat down on the step beside him, feel the softness of her pale cheek in his hand. Instead he kept his arms on his bent knees and addressed her quietly.

"Yeah. Kohn's gone. I watched him leave town."

The concern in her eyes melted into a look of such relief, such gratitude that he didn't protest when she wrapped her arms around him, pulled him toward her until her forehead rested against his hair so she could whisper "Thank you" softly into his ear.

It was heartbreaking. The feeling of being in her arms, of her breath against his ear, stirred something in him so sweet and honest that he had to fight not to let himself be swept away in it. He'd long since stopped pretending he didn't still want her, but he had to know if he'd been made into a pawn. He couldn't bear the thought of it.

She felt him pull his head away from her embrace and she dropped her arms, seeing a tumult of emotions in his eyes as he looked over at her. Confusion, weariness and hurt all stared through his clear blue eyes at her, mixed with a little anger, and she was shocked to realize that all of it was directed at her.

"What is it?"

He'd taken her off guard with his mood and the ever-present walls she'd had up since she'd come back to Charming were down. It was now or never.

"You left Chicago cuz you were afraid this guy was gonna hurt you."

She had no idea where he was going with this but that didn't keep the prickle of unease from dancing across her skin. "One of the reasons."

Before she could put the shutters back up he put the question to her point blank. "Did you come back here cuz you knew I'd hurt this guy? Do what the cops wouldn't do?"

He searched her eyes, watching as surprise, worry and a tiny edge of panic danced deep in their depths. "God no. I had no idea he would follow me. I-I didn't know you'd even still be here."

She'd started strong enough but by the time she'd finished her sentence her voice was small and the silence that fell after hung thickly around them. She was lying and he knew it. He wouldn't leave Charming ten years ago, wouldn't run from his life to follow her to San Diego and he'd lost her over it. She knew full well that he'd still be in Charming and the fact that she'd tried to flippantly deny that only proved his suspicions. He felt sick.

Dread filled her as she realized what she'd said, realized how bad it had to seem on Jax's side and she desperately tried to redirect his suspicions. "That doesn't sound like you Jax. It sounds like your mother."

Jax stared at her, his head swimming. It seemed like everyone was trying to manipulate him. Looking into her beautiful green eyes for another minute he forced himself to push his feelings back down into the background again where they'd lived for so long and he stood up.

His voice was cold when he addressed her again. "Well, you're safe now."

She watched helplessly as he made his way toward his bike, watched the limp she knew he'd aquired defending her and panic threatened to make her chase him, throw herself at him. He drove away, not bothering to look back and she realized as she sat alone on her step that she was shaking.

She'd wanted Jax to help her, to save her. She could admit that to herself. But, she hadn't tried to manipulate him into it. With the night laying thick around her and tears prickling the back of her eyes she knew that she'd wanted him to do it because he loved her. Because he wanted to. She'd gotten her wish, Kohn was out of her life, but if it had cost her Jax when she was finally starting to realize how much she still cared about him it would kill her.


	16. Chapter 16

**Thank you, thank you, thank you for the reviews! I'm so happy you like the story. Your kind words seriously help as I'm revising these chapters repeatedly. I hope you continue to enjoy. **

**1994**

"Figure it out grunt."

Jax stared after Piney as he walked back toward the clubhouse, a huge, shit eating grin on the old man's face. He'd only been prospecting for a couple of months, but in that time he'd heard the word "grunt" enough for five lifetimes. He couldn't fucking wait until he was a patched member.

Looking back toward the floor of the shop Jax scratched his head and stared at the mess. Tig and Big Otto had gotten into it, about what Jax had no idea. All he knew was that it had resulted in a wrestling match that ended with Tig going into a huge shelf filled with case roller ball bearings, sprocket shaft nuts, side valve wrist pin bushings and about twenty other equally tiny parts. The entire shelf had come crashing down and now it was suddenly Jax's problem to pick up and re-sort everything into its respective container. He wanted to just take the shop vac to the whole area and be done with it, but somehow he didn't think that would go over too well. If he'd learned anything since he'd started this it was that prospecting was 100% about proving yourself to the patched members, about showing you had drive and initiative. A part of him still thought the shop vac idea was a solid option though. It could show creative problem solving right?

The sound of heavy footsteps approaching told him that Opie was coming without Jax even having to look up. Wordlessly, his best friend stopped at his side and stared at the mess, his expression never changing.

"Tig?"

Jax let out an irritated sigh. "Yeah."

Without another word Opie set to work picking up piece by tiny piece and Jax bent down to follow suit. He wished he could say that this was the most menial and demeaning thing he'd done since he'd gotten his bottom rocker, but he would be lying. Since the night after the end of school party Jax had unclogged the shitter no less than an average of once per week, cleaned puke off of seemingly every surface of the clubhouse, worked at the garage all day apprenticing the mechanics and then hosed the place off and shut it down at night. And that was just his schedule over the summer. Once school had started, his junior year, it was becoming readily apparent that something was going to have to give. The teachers watched him and Opie like hawks, especially Mr. Sampson. The other students gave them a wide berth unless they were wannabes or wannabe croweaters. The entire atmosphere had changed and Jax knew there was no going back. The question was, with the club responsibilities and school time constraints in constant opposition, how much longer did he stick around? He was being pulled in two different directions and he knew that the life he wanted for himself didn't necessarily need a high school diploma. As each day passed he found himself wondering why he continued to go at all and the answer was always the same.

Tara.

No matter what bullshit the club came up with for him during the day, there wasn't a minute that she didn't occupy some part of his mind and by the time he was free at night he missed her so badly that it ached. It wasn't even an option in his mind not to drive over to see her, to climb in through her window and pull her into his arms no matter how exhausted he was. The need to impress Clay, to impress the other guys, to toe the line at school, to prove himself to everyone in his life just melted away the minute he was with her. She didn't give a shit if he followed perfect orders that day, if he showed up to his 5th period class with homework in hand, if he thought quick on his feet when the Mayans tried to puff out their chests from time to time. She loved him before all of this and she loved him now just as he loved her. And god did he love her.

Jax looked over at Opie, working without complaint, and thanked his lucky stars for the zillionth time that he was here. Jax had no idea how he would be getting through this if he were going it alone. The fucking club was in his blood, there was nothing they could throw at him that he couldn't manage. Still, having his best friend there to go through it with him kept his head on straighter.

A roar of engines had them turning from the tedium of the clean up job in time to see Bobby, Clay and Chibs pull onto the lot. The boys watched as they got off of their bikes and headed into the clubhouse, the remaining members who'd been hanging around outside following behind and shutting the door. They were going in to sit at the table for church, filling Jax with longing.

"Our time is coming brother."

Jax turned to look into his friend's wise-beyond-his-years face. "It just sucks that we're so fucking close and still so far away. We're all wearing kuttes, but they sit at the table and we're picking up this shit." Jax grabbed a tiny, metal half circle off of the ground. "I mean, what the fuck even is this?"

Opie glanced up and then continued sorting. "Wrist pin retaining ring."

Jax rolled his eyes and tossed it into the little plastic container where it belonged. "The more you know."

Opie smirked. " Every tiny part you pick up is one step closer to a top rocker." Grabbing a last handful of parts he placed them all back where they'd come from and then looked at Jax. "It'll be over before we know it."

Jax looked at the floor and realized they'd cleared the mess out. Opie stood, assessing the work they'd just finished and nodded his head. "Can't let anyone think they can clean up a floor better than the Reaper Crew."

Jax let out a laugh and clapped his friend on the back as they walked toward an engine that Clay was having them rebuild for practice. The intricacy of the work had Jax's mind wandering and he found himself thinking about how they'd come by this engine in the first place. A couple of Nords had gotten into it with Clay one night in town when he'd taken Gemma out for dinner. Clay was pissed. They'd gotten into a sweet, fully restored, '64 Mustang, which Big Otto had located within a day.

As Jax cleaned the gunk off of the cylinder head gasket he remembered the look on Clay's face when he'd pulled Jax and Opie aside, given them the address and told them to steal the car. It had never occurred to Jax to be scared. Far from it. He was stoked on about ten levels. This asshole had threatened his club president, a man who also happened to be his stepfather, while his mother had been present. By all accounts the dude had been pretty drunk at the time, which was probably why he wasn't eating his food through a tube up his nose, but that shit just didn't go unanswered for. Seemed taking the asshole's car was a good eye for an eye and Jax had felt nothing but justified as he'd jammed his flathead into the keyhole and turned the ignition.

He didn't know if it should worry him or not that the things he'd done so far as a prospect left him totally unbothered. He might not be patched yet, might not have a vote or a seat at church but he was proving himself with more than just mopping up shit and picking up bike parts and the grey legal areas that those things lived in never interrupted his sleep. It was for the good of the club, a club he was desperate to become a part of all while the founding members and leadership made it constantly apparent he wasn't about to just slide in.

It seemed like Clay was always testing him, testing Opie, with shit that would prove their metal. Prove they were Samcro. He'd taken Jax on a couple gun buys, had him fire the weapons to test the merchandise. Jax had known his way around a gun since he could practically crawl, JT had taught him that. The praise he got when he'd handled the gun like a pro on the buy boosted his confidence, made him feel like he'd passed one more test. The next day he'd gone to school and had Mr. Welks tell him that he was failing math and if he didn't pull his grade up there would be "consequences", Mr. Samson smiling cruelly at him from his place behind the principal at the smell of blood in the water. Jax couldn't help but laugh at how night and day his worlds were.

The door opened across the lot and the guys trickled out slowly, some going to their bikes and some walking back across to the garage to finish working on the cars and bikes they had on the docket for the day. Piney made his way over with Clay, the two men so deep in conversation that they didn't seem to give a shit that as they drew closer their words became more and more audible.

"Trouble is he skipped town six months ago."

"It makes no sense. A man doesn't just up and vanish into thin air like a fart in the goddamn wind. He has to be somewhere."

Clay nodded. "Somewhere with our fucking gun money. We don't find that bastard by the end of the week we're up shit creek."

Piney snorted. "We could put out a missing person's ad. _Lost: Thadeus Youngdale. If found, please return to the Sons of Anarchy so they can tear his hippy head off._

Clay clapped him on the back, but the strain in his face only permitted a smirk at the old man's joke before they both continued to walk toward the office.

Jax and Opie looked at each other.

"Youngdale?"

Jax nodded his head. "Think it's Julie Youngdale's old man?"

Opie shrugged. "Don't know. If it is I bet she knows where he is. If the club wants him though, she'd never tell us."

Jax nodded, his head going in circles. This could be one of those golden opportunities for he and Opie to sweep in and prove themselves to the club, to help them find this guy but Opie was right. Their allegiance to the club had been solidified in the collective psyche of Charming High, there was no way Julie was going to casually give up where her old man was hiding out to them or anyone she thought would report it back to them. But Piney was right, the man hadn't just vanished like a ghost. He was somewhere and if this guy was really their classmate's father she held the key that could help Jax and Opie assure themselves a seat at that table when the day finally came for the club to vote on it.

The day wound to an end and Jax practically dragged himself to his bike after washing out the bay and closing up the shop with Tig. He had a big history test in the morning that he hadn't bothered to study for and a desperate desire for a hot shower and a soft bed. Climbing onto his bike he started it up, fastened his helmet under his chin and found himself driving in the direction of neither of those things. As usual, his bike pointed to Tara.

Pulling onto her street, he cut his engine at the end of the block and parked his bike around the corner like he always did. The nights were starting to just barely cool down, signaling the early hints of fall and Jax put his hands in his pockets as he walked toward Tara's house, cutting across her lawn until he stood at her window.

Night after night it had been like this. He would come to her, exhausted and usually with his mind churning through a million different things, but he would come to her anyway because she was his north. His center. Standing under her window, anticipating her answering his knock, his heart would kick up in his chest and his skin would hum in anticipation of having her against him. It never ceased to humble him, how completely he loved her. It was the only constant in his life.

He waited a breath, then two, before he saw the drapes slowly begin to part and a slow smile spread across his face as the soft moonlight revealed her. Opening her window noiselessly, thanks in no small part to the generous oiling he'd personally given it, Tara stuck her head out and smiled at him. "I thought you'd never get here."

Jax leaned his head in and took her lips slowly, his mood unhurried and Tara felt her knees go weak. This fall they would be together for a year and the way he kissed her could still turn her inside out. She wished all of the people who said they would never last could feel it, just for a second, feel what it was like to be her when ever Jackson Teller was around. She was pretty sure if they could feel just a fraction of how intense it felt when he touched her they would shut the hell up.

She pulled away and stepped aside to let him climb in, closing the window behind him and pulling the drapes closed again before she turned to face him. The moonlight streamed in around him, making silvery lights dance in his blonde hair as he looked quietly at her. She could see strain in his tired eyes, knew that he had something on his mind, but she could see contentment there too and it calmed her heart. She worried about him every day. When he was at school it wasn't so bad, even though the vice principal and half of the other faculty members were out to get him thrown out, at least she knew he was safe. But after school or on days he didn't show up she knew that he was with the club and doing things that could get him hurt. It was part of him, part of his life and she was on board with it. That still didn't mean, especially in the quiet moments, that she didn't wonder if he was alright, if he'd be there at night, waiting outside of her window with his beautiful blue eyes filled with love for only her. Every night that he was felt like a victory and she'd long since stopped thinking about "what if." She lived in the moment, took each breath as it passed and thought nothing of the next one. It was the only way she knew how to compartmentalize it all.

Reaching out she caressed his cheek, felt her heart kick up when he let his eyes flutter closed as he nuzzled against her hand. Her words were a whisper against the darkness. "I missed you."

He stepped closer and took her in his arms, laying his head over top of hers and answered in a voice that mimicked the quietness of hers. "I missed you too. Is your dad home?"

He felt her shake her head and he offered up a reverent thanks to whatever might be up there, be it God or whoever, because they clearly had his back. "He's probably out for the night. Payday."

Jax nodded in understanding and squeezed his girl just a little tighter. Tara's dad liked to drink. He paid his bills, went to work and kept food on the table, but what he actually liked doing was drinking and it was never more thoroughly enjoyed than on the night that his paycheck hit his bank account. He knew it sucked for her, to have a father that was so absent that he basically might as well not even be around at all. It usually worked in favor of them being alone, however, and Jax couldn't help but feel a selfish happiness at that.

Pulling back, Jax took Tara's face in his hands and brushed small kisses against her eyes, her nose, her mouth, her chin and then let his face break out in a devilish grin before she felt herself being scooped up into his arms. She let out a whoop of surprise and wrapped her arms around him in instinct before letting out a wild giggle.

"I need a hot shower."

His voice had come out with a low raspiness that belied his desire and she shuddered in his grasp, holding on more tightly as he strode purposefully toward the bathroom. Flicking the light on, he set her on the counter and reached into the shower to turn the spray on full blast so the water could heat up before coming back to thrust his hands into her hair and pull her mouth back to his. She pressed herself against him, dragging her lips away to kiss a trail down his neck until she got to the sensitive part where it met his shoulder, scraping her teeth gently across it once she got there. He was surer than anything in the world that she had to feel how hard it made him. The idea of wanting her was a turn on. The idea of her wanting him just as much was so fucking hot it hurt.

He pulled her nightshirt off and looked in the mirror at the smooth, pale lines of her back, the graceful dip just over her curvy backside. The way her hair spilled over her skin was incredibly sexy and he watched himself as he gathered it gently up into his hands, let it spill through his fingers as he kissed a line down from her mouth to her neck. The room gradually steamed up around them, obliterating his view in the mirror and he lifted her up, feeling the muscles in his stomach bunch as she wrapped her legs around his waist. "I want you hot and wet around me."

They made love slowly as he held her pressed up against the shower wall, the hot spray scalding their over heated bodies wherever it touched. There was no club, no school, no parents. Just them, tearing down every wall and every mask they had to wear with everyone but each other. They were just Jax and Tara and when he was inside of her no other version of themselves existed.

It took the last dregs of strength he had to dry off and put his boxers back on once they'd finished but he still took a second to enjoy the view as Tara slipped her nightshirt back on while she walked in front of him toward the bedroom. They collapsed onto the bed and immediately found their positions, Jax on his back and Tara cuddled up on his chest. She knew he was exhausted and normally on nights when he was this worn out he'd be practically asleep before his head hit the pillow but tonight there seemed to be a slight edge to his calm. She could feel that his breathing hadn't evened out yet, knew that he was staring up at the ceiling instead of sleeping and her curiosity piqued.

Leaning up on her elbow to look down into his face she furrowed her brows in concern. "What's wrong?"

Jax rubbed his hand absently up and down her arm. "Sorry. Got club stuff on my mind, I didn't mean to let it distract me."

An amused smile touched her lips. "If that was you distracted in there I can honestly say I wasn't complaining."

They both chuckled for a second before she picked her line of questioning back up. "Seriously though, what's up?"

"Do you know Julie Youngdale very well?"

Tara shook her head, his question definitely not what she expected. "Not particularly. I think she moved here a year or so ago, but that's really it. Why?"

Jax sighed. He didn't think Tara was close with her, but it had been worth a shot. "If her dad's name is Thadeaus Youngdale he might be into the club for some money. Trouble is no one can find him. If Opie and I could somehow get it out of Julie, maybe get a location for the guy, it would be pretty important for the club all while getting us some good cred in the process. Win-win."

Tara nodded her head and Jax watched as she got the faraway look in her eyes that meant she was lost in thought. She was thinking of ways to help him and he loved her for it. He also hadn't meant to burden her with his shit and he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her to him. Everyone knew Tara was his. If Julie wasn't going to tell Jax or Opie where her dad was, she certainly wouldn't tell Tara either. "Don't worry about it babe. Morning comes early, let's get some sleep."

She laid her head against his chest with no complaint and he felt his eyelids grow so heavy that he stopped trying to fight them. It seemed as though he'd just allowed them to close when the alarm on Tara's nightstand went off, signaling that he had an hour to get home and change before school. Tara lifted her head and pressed a kiss to his chest. "You've gotta go baby. Don't let my dad see you."

Jax smiled, trying to fight the urge to whine like a little bitch and go back to sleep. Pulling her closer, relishing the feel of her against the length of him he pressed a kiss to her forehead. "I'm a professional babe, he has no chance against my ninja skills."

Tara gave him a last squeeze, reluctant to let him go but knowing the necessity of it. Giving him a playful shove she watched as he got up and pulled his clothes on, smiling at the unabashed appreciation he saw in her eyes. "See you later."

Getting ready for school, Tara's thoughts strayed back to the conversation she and Jax had just before they'd fallen asleep. She knew how much pressure he had been under since he'd started prospecting. It had been made abundantly clear to him that he would receive no special treatment and it appeared that the club had kept their word. These few months had changed him, given him a focused edge in his eyes that hadn't been there before. She felt like she had watched a boy become a man practically overnight. It chilled her to the bone while turning her on beyond belief.

It also kept her preoccupied with his safety nearly every moment. His was a life that you couldn't be half in on and she was primarily powerless to help him. So when the rare moments came up where she could actually do something to make his life easier, to help his cause, she wasn't going to let the opportunity pass her by. As the day wore on an idea came to her, one that she fleshed out and perfected as the clock ticked down the minutes of the school day.

Jax could sense her preoccupation but she'd waved him off when he asked, told him she was just tired. That had caused him to break out in a wry, knowing smile and she silently congratulated herself on knowing just what to say that what would distract him. She'd kissed him goodbye after school just like she always did and watched him ride off toward Teller-Morrow before she went home and began gathering the things she would need to put her plan into effect once night fell on Charming.

The sun had set and Tara made sure to park in the neighborhood a little way away when she came back to the high school that night, gloves in her pocket and screwdriver in hand. She walked the same streets that she'd walked with Jax all those months ago when she'd pulled a fire alarm so they could ditch school. The strange duality of her current situation was not lost on her as she thought about the fact that she was again breaking the law in the name of Jackson Teller, but she knew full well that he hadn't asked her to do it then and he most certainly hadn't asked her to do what she was doing now. Hell, if she'd told him about her plan earlier she was pretty sure he would have told her no. He was wildly protective of her and she found it extremely endearing. It was, however, also why she hadn't told him what she was thinking. If he got caught breaking into the school it would mean police, which would mean sticky questions about what he was doing there. It could bring attention to the club, which would be bad for all of them, most importantly Jax. She couldn't have that. Not when there was another way.

Arriving at the door to the office she looked around and was satisfied that the campus was deserted. She was also grateful that the school was so antiquated it boasted neither an alarm system nor a security camera. Small town charm certainly helped when it came to breaking the law. Turning her head away from the window next to the front door she jammed the shaft of the screwdriver into the glass with all of her might, a satisfying crack resonating through the empty halls as the metal tool punched through. Turning her attention back to the craggy, uneven hole she'd made Tara swirled the screwdriver around a bit until the break was wide enough for her to reach her gloved hand in and unlock the door, her heart pounding as she opened it. She'd never broken in anyplace before. The adrenaline rush coupled with the sense of doing something wrong was so intoxicating that she suddenly felt invincible and strode inside as if she owned the place, heading straight to Mister Sampson's office.

His file cabinets lined the back wall behind his desk and she beelined it straight for them, pausing with her flashlight long enough to find the drawer that held the Y's before yanking it open. The school wasn't very large and the amount of kids with a last name that started with Y was small, which meant it took Tara all of a second to find Julie's file. Pulling it out, she opened it on Mr. Sampson's desk and began flipping through it.

Her heart began to pound at what she saw. Julie's father's name was indeed Thadeus and, better yet, Tara knew where he was. A secondary address in Oregon for a grandmother was listed under Julie's emergency contacts. Though there were no guarantees that the man was there, the grandmother shared his last name. If Tara knew anything about the male sex it was when they were in trouble they often ran back to their mommies. He had to be there. She could feel it.

Taking the information sheet out of the folder, Tara folded it up and stuffed it into her jacket pocket before putting the file back exactly where she'd found it and heading for the door. Her heart was in her throat and cold sweat had begun to bead on her skin, her earlier bravado rapidly fading as a new form of excitement hit her. She had done it. She'd broken into the school and gotten the information that might just help Jax. As she walked out, the cool night air hitting her in the face, she felt drunk with adrenaline and exhilaration, her feet breaking into a run across the field and toward the neighborhood where she'd parked almost without her willing them to. If she hadn't been so caught up, so myopically focused on getting out of there with her victory she might have noticed the girl standing in the shadows waiting for a ride home. A girl who'd witnessed her exiting the office with its freshly broken window.

A girl who absolutely hated Tara Knowles.

But she didn't notice. Instead, she got to her car and tore the gloves from her hands, stuffing them into her glove box as she started the engine and willed herself not to peal out and draw attention to herself. It felt like the minutes dragged on three times as long as normal. Once she was home, she made it a point to say hello to her father, to act naturally and walk into the kitchen for a coke before she picked up her book bag and walked toward her room. Once inside she sat on the bed, an English essay in front of her with no hope of being completed. All she wanted was for Jax to show up at her window so she could give him what she'd found. _What she'd stolen._ A thrill caused tingles of excitement to race across her skin. She was enjoying this way more than she should be but she didn't care. It felt too incredible, too deliciously bad, for her to feel any other way about it.

Finally giving up on homework, she put on her nightshirt and shorts and turned off the light, staring up at the ceiling and watching as the occasional car caused headlights to stream quietly across it. After what felt like an eternity the familiar, light tapping on her window had her heart flying into a frenzy and she practically leapt out of her bed toward it.

She yanked the curtain back so fast that she could see the look of surprise cross his face through the glass of her window, a look that stayed in place as she jerked the window open.

His voice was low but the merriment in it was unmistakable. "Miss me Knowles?"

The look of bemused amusement in his eyes had her laughing quietly to herself at her zeal. "More than you know. Come in, I have something to show you."

Jax climbed in and followed her over to the bed where he took a seat, watching as she flipped on her desk lamp so she could dig into the pocket of her jacket. She grabbed what she was looking for and made her way back over to her bed, sitting down beside him and handing him the folded up paper.

He looked at her, confusion in his eyes. "What's this?"

Tara nodded toward the paper. "Take a look. Hopefully something that will help."

She watched his face as he carefully unfolded the page and felt her heart pound as his eyes grew wide with shock.

"Where did you get this?"

"You said you needed it."

He studied her intently, his eyes seemingly more blue than usual and his expression grew worried, his words coming out soft. "Tara, what did you do?"

She returned his gaze unflinchingly, resolutely. "What I had to. You needed help. It was help I could give."

He stood up from the bed, running his hand through his hair and uncertainty began to wind its way through her mind. "I did help, right?"

She'd misunderstood his reaction, he could hear it in her tone and he quickly sat back down on the bed. "You have no idea how much babe. But, this shit isn't supposed to fall on you. You aren't supposed to take risks for the club, that's my deal."

Tara shook her head. "I didn't do this for the club, I did it for you."

Her words caught in his throat, in his heart. She would do anything for him. He was entirely unworthy of her devotion and yet the fact that he had it was his most treasured possession. Reaching up he cupped her cheek in his hand, shaking his head side to side in disbelief as he stared at her. "I'm the luckiest bastard alive."

Tara smiled at his words, her eyes filled with love. "You are. Don't forget it."

Kissing her breathless, he tore himself away and headed back out of the window he'd just come through. He knew she'd stolen this info, knew that a whole slew of shit could possibly come from that, but at the moment he just needed to get it to Clay.

He walked into his house, heading straight for the backyard where Clay was sitting on the porch swing with Gemma. The look on his face must have been enough to let them know he had something to talk about because the minute his parents looked at him Clay stood up, motioning toward the kitchen with a jerk of his head.

Once they were alone, Jax handed him the slip of paper. Clay read it and, realizing what he had, looked at Jax in confusion. "How did you know?"

"Opie and I overheard you and Piney talking. I got no idea if the guy you want is even at that address, but at least it's a start right?"

A smirk picked up the edge of Clay's mouth and Jax was surprised at how much he enjoyed the pride he saw in it. "I'd say a pretty fucking good start. Looks like the boys and I'll be taking a little ride to Oregon."

He started to walk away but stopped just as he reached the hall and turned to face Jax again. "Good work son."

Jax nodded, unable to say more. Clay would never replace his dad. But his approval felt good, not just on a club president to prospect level and Jax couldn't help but enjoy it.

He was late for school the next day, missing his first two classes in favor of a few extra hours of sleep. He hadn't gone back to Tara's, had instead chosen to collapse into his own bed for once and he'd apparently needed the rest more than he knew. The idea crossed his mind to just skip entirely but he was giving a half assed attempt at raising his failing math grade and he had that class during third period.

The second period class hadn't let out yet by the time he walked onto campus, leaving the halls relatively empty. He passed the office, glancing at the window to see if Mr. Sampson was in eyesight to notice his late arrival and saw a piece of cardboard taped up in the corner of the glass. His stomach went cold as he realized that it was probably Tara's doing. It didn't take a rocket scientist to put two and two together. She hadn't come out and admitted to breaking in for that contact information last night but he knew that what she'd given him was a school form.

Just as he reached his locker the bell sounded for the change in periods and students began pouring out of the doors all around him. Turning in the direction of the Tara's class he didn't see her come out and his eyes started searching the crowd in confusion until they settled on the rapidly approaching form of David Hale. Jax watched in thinly veiled disgust as his least favorite person came nearer, his pristine ROTC uniform making his crew cut look even more severe.

His disgust quickly transformed into surprise as he realized that Hale wasn't merely walking in his direction but was actually walking over to him and he couldn't help but be intrigued. They hadn't spoken since his dad had threatened him last year over the fight at Hale's party, if you didn't count speaking volumes through hate filled glares. Jax pretty much figured there wasn't a thing on earth that they would ever need to actually speak to each other about again, and yet he watched as Hale stopped in front of him and met his eyes.

Jax's expression instantly defaulted to cocky arrogance. "Lost?"

"Tara's in deep shit. They suspended her this morning."

All bravado dropped immediately and Jax took a step closer to his nemesis. "The fuck are you talking about?"

"I was in the office. Angie Wilson came in and told Samson she saw Tara break into the school last night. His office door was open, I heard it myself."

Jax stared at Hale for a second, searched his face only to see the truth there and his stomach dropped. Running a hand over his face he fought the urge to panic. "Shit."

Hale nodded. "You don't have to say anything, I can tell from your reaction that it's true." He looked around, saw people watching them as the halls began to empty. He turned his attention back to Jax, his voice dropping lower. "You and I have never been friends. I don't like you and you don't like me. That is what it is. But one thing we both care about is Tara. You're the only one that can save her from this Jax."

Jax nodded his head, a grudging respect for Hale in the back of his mind. He could have tried to handle this himself, tried to be the hero, but he knew that his hands were tied. His dad was a lawyer, a judge no less, and Tara was the daughter of a town drunk and girlfriend of a delinquent. Friend of David's or not, his dad wouldn't have pulled any strings to help her. It didn't have an upside for him. Hale knew that the only way to help Tara was to go outside the lines, and for that he had to come to Jax. He still fucking hated the guy, but something inside of him shifted. This wouldn't be forgotten.

Hale saw the acknowledgment in Jax's nod and he nodded back, turning to walk away in the direction he'd come, their moment over. Jax wasted no time, walking straight to the office. He knew what he had to do and a peace settled over him as he walked through the doors, his eyes going again to the piece of cardboard that the secretary had taped over the hole in the glass as a temporary fix. The club had been pulling him in this direction for weeks now, this was inevitably going to happen. The fact that it was happening on these terms, his terms, was almost poetic. Tara had laid it on the line, risked everything, when he'd needed her to. It wasn't even a question of whether or not he would do the same.

"Young man, is Mr. Sampson expecting you?"

Jax ignored the secretary's voice as he strode toward the Vice Principal's office and opened the door, interrupting a meeting with the principal. He almost laughed at how perfect his timing was.

"Mr. Teller I'm going to need to ask you to leave, you're interrupting something."

"This will only take a second."

Leaning back in his chair Mr. Samson sighed in exasperation as the principal looked on in annoyance from his seat in front of the desk. "Okay Mr. Teller, by all means, what's so important that you have to barge into people's offices?"

Jax took a few steps toward the pair, his expression full of arrogance. "Tara Knowles didn't break into the school last night. I did."

The two men stared at him and Jax could swear he heard their hearts simultaneously stop. This was going to be way too fucking easy.

Mr. Samson stood from his chair, the look in his eyes anticipatory as he walked out from behind his desk to stand toe to toe with Jax. "We have a witness account that says otherwise Mr. Teller."

Jax sneered. "You know Angie Wilson has a personal vendetta against Tara. She wants her out of the way so we can get back together. They fought about it last year, you suspended them for it. She's not a credible witness and you know it, get your head out of your ass."

The principal stood up at Jax's words as Mr. Samson's face went vermillion with rage but the anticipation in his eyes only grew. Jax wouldn't have been surprised if he licked his lips. "How do we know you're not just trying to cover for your girlfriend?"

Jax's smile grew wide as his pinned the older man's eyes with his own, his voice coming out low and conspiratorial. "Do you really care?"

They stared at each other, all of the history and hatred passing between their eyes in a second before Mr. Samson's face broke into a humorless grin to mirror Jackson's. "You're suspended Mr. Teller. As Mr. Welks will explain to you, we only have the power to recommend your expulsion to the district but," Taking a deep breath, the older man didn't even attempt to hide how much he was relishing the moment as he finished his statement. "given the gravity of the infraction, you can consider expulsion a certainty."

Mr. Welks nodded his head. "Better clean out your locker son."

Jax looked from one man to the other before settling his eyes back on Mr. Samson. "My pleasure."

With that he turned and walked out of Charming High School for the last time as student.


	17. Chapter 17

Jax walked into the NICU, the hurt and annoyance coming in waves off of Gemma as he walked to the incubator and peered down at his son. He couldn't wait for Dr. Namid to crack that thing open like an Easter egg and get Abel the hell out of there today. As he stared down at the baby he could feel the guilt that only a mother could project from across a room hitting him with each second he ignored Gemma and he finally looked sheepishly to where she sat in the glider rocker.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to go off on you last night."

Gemma sighed. She couldn't stay mad at him, especially when she knew that his response was a direct result of her pushing too hard where he didn't want to be pushed. Jax never did respond well to that, especially where Tara was concerned and she'd known better. "I'm sorry too. It was a crazy day."

Rising from the glider rocker, she approached the incubator and looked in at Abel too. Her arms itched to hold her first grandbaby as she continued talking to her son. "Strange time Jax. So much shit is changing. I just worry. About you. About him."

"About Tara."

She looked up at him, seeing the anger had truly receded from his eyes and was replaced with a gentle patience as he continued. "What happened with me and Tara is ancient history, Mom."

"She hurt this family. Tried to pull you away."

"I didn't leave, did I?" He tried to keep the exasperation from his voice but failed miserably. She didn't know how close he'd come, how tempted he'd been to pack up and follow her all those years ago. She didn't need those details then and she certainly didn't need them now. All that mattered was that it hadn't happened and their ship had long since sailed. All this shit with her using him to shield her from her old boyfriend had proven it.

"But she did. Broke your heart."

"I guess." Jax looked down at Abel to avoid Gemma's eyes in a feeble attempt to underplay just how on the mark she was. Tara _had _broken his heart. At the moment, it felt like she' done it more than once.

She saw the small look in his eyes, the pain that still lived inside of him and she pushed her advantage, her voice coming almost in a whisper. "You guess? She crushed you, Jax."

Desperate not to dredge this back up, not now after so much had happened between them over the last few days, he practically rolled his eyes. "I was 19. It was first love bullshit. I grew up. I got over it. It's time you got over it too."

"Somebody hurts your baby, you never get over it." To his surprise, Jax saw something flicker in Gemma's eyes that he'd never noticed and realized he wasn't the only one that had been hurt. He knew his mother had loved Tara, had grown to think of her as a member of the family. Gemma was a fierce mother; she wasn't exaggerating when she said she couldn't get over someone hurting her baby. Glancing down at his own son, Jax was starting to understand for himself what that meant. But, Gemma wasn't admitting, maybe even to herself, that Tara had hurt her too. He smiled indulgently at her, a new appreciation for her feelings coming together in his mind. No matter how tough she acted, his mother had a pretty big heart and he could never fault her for that. She protected what she loved.

He left the calm and quite of the hospital to wait for Dr. Namid's call, his thoughts on Abel. He would get to hold him as soon as the doc gave him an all clear, get to make actual contact with the child he'd made. It was a surreal thought, one that opened a Pandora's box of additional thoughts that he'd been trying to suppress since the kid had been born. Abel getting out of the toaster meant he was one more step to coming home, to that incredible room Gemma had set up, to live with a single dad that had no fucking clue how he was going to do this. Wendy was out of the picture, off to rehab with no parental rights, which meant that Jax was on his own. He knew his mom would help, knew that he wouldn't be completely alone, but to be everything for his son? Both mom and dad? The idea that he couldn't possibly be enough for the little guy terrified him.

His thoughts were cut short when he saw one of Oswald's tankers off to the side of the road, the driver through the windshield and unconscious. It didn't take any amount of sleuthing at the scene after he helped pull the guy off of the shards of glass impaling his legs to figure he was on meth. The little bag of shit on the floor of the cab was all the proof he needed and he was plenty sure it had come from Darby.

Tig was ready to send a message, to go after Darby and his guys for dealing in Charming and it was all Jax could do not to tell him to shut the fuck up. Instead, he cut his Sergeant at Arms off before the tirade really heated up by suggesting he and Opie just go find out from the driver where he was scoring. Everyone had agreed, but the resentment from Tig over being outvoted again on going after Darby was palpable. They'd been pissing in each other's boots for weeks and Jax had proven time after time that the bloodiest route didn't necessarily have to be the first one.

He knew Tig didn't agree, to say the least. It had been the norm to jump in head first for so long that any suggestion to think for five minutes before acting was seen as weakness. Jax understood it, but it couldn't have been further from the truth. Just because Jax wasn't willing to wave his balls in the air just to prove how big they were anymore didn't mean he wasn't willing to lay everything on the line for the club.

And put it all on the line he would. Oswald's driver _had _gotten his meth from Darby and he'd racked up quite a debt in the process, a debt the Nords had decided would be settled with an ass kicking and the keys to the impounded tanker. A tanker filled with fuel that could make them flush for the Irish if they could get Unser to buy it for the 15K the needed.

Jax and Opie raced down Highway 18, closing in on either side of the truck to force it to stop. The Nords inside clearly had other ideas and the driver swerved first toward Jax, then toward Opie. With zero hesitation Jax pulled his gun, unleashing a hail of bullets toward the door. The sickness in his gut that he'd had ever since Abel was born when it came to killing surged with each bullet but he did what he had to, silently grateful that the driver didn't appear to be hit as he and Opie boxed the truck in, maneuvered it toward an oncoming F150 until he was forced to either slam on his brakes or plow head first into the other truck. With the Nords making the long walk back to town and Jax on his way to stash the tanker for a meeting with Unser, Jax felt the knot inside him loosen. No one was dead and the club would get their payment to the Irish. He'd be able to look his son in the eyes, feel him in his arms for the first time knowing that he'd gone another day doing shit right.

As he made the deal with Unser, Tara stared down into the open incubator in the St. Thomas NICU as Dr. Namid listened to Abel's breath sounds.

"Strong and equal. When was his last pulse oximetry screen?"

Tara cleared her throat. "An hour ago. All three in the series were negative."

Dr. Namid nodded his head and looked down at Abel's chart. "Last abnormal ekg?"

Tara smiled, answering her attending while keeping her eyes on the little fighter in front of her. "Over 72 hours. His apnea episodes have also decreased significantly over the course of the last week."

The attending doctor nodded his head and closed the chart. "Gotta hand it to the little guy, he definitely beat the odds."

Without understanding why, a swell of pride rose in her chest and Tara reached out to brush his tiny fingers. "Yes he did."

"Well, I see no reason he can't come out of there given his progress. Care to do the honors Dr. Knowles?"

Tara smiled up at Dr. Namid, his knowing smirk telling her that it hadn't escaped his attention how attached Tara was to this particular case. Reaching in gently, Tara swaddled Abel in a blue blanket and lifted him from the incubator, pulling him close to her body. She met his eyes as she smiled down into his angelic little face, so soft and full of life, and she let out a small chuckle as something clicked into place inside of her. It was probably because he was Jax's son, but there was something special about this little boy. No matter what happened, she'd hold a piece of him in her heart forever.

Turning to walk into the sitting room she broke her eyes away from the baby's as she turned the corner, her heart speeding as she saw Jax. As if he had springs in his chair he hit his feet at the sight of them, the excitement and anticipation in his eyes completely disarming her as he stared at the bundle in her approaching arms.

No matter what had happened between them over the last couple of days she couldn't keep the smile from her lips as she placed Abel into his arms, the shock hitting her fast at the open and vulnerable look that instantly crossed his face. Tears came to his eyes and he sank slowly down into the glider rocker, the look of love, relief and pride shining so profoundly in his expression that Tara found herself in the shocking position of feeling choked up herself.

Suddenly, he was the boy she'd known again, the one she'd known before the club had patched him in. Hardened him. Except this was a side that he had only ever shown her when they were alone. He'd been intent on keeping up appearances in every other circumstance. Today, this man didn't give a shit who was looking at him or not, he was going to hold his infant son close and put his emotions out for the world to see.

"I don't know how to break this to you kid, but I'm your old man."

His softly spoken words warmed her and she couldn't stop staring at this new Jax. She had never seen him like this, never seen him so comfortable with letting the world in on the softness in his heart and it rocked her to her foundations.

She could see Gemma turning her head toward her and Tara dragged her eyes away to meet her gaze. Effortlessly they lapsed back into the easy way they used to be, communicating without words to each other that they should give him some privacy. Once in the hallway, Gemma watched as Tara took a last longing glance before she closed the door and continued to gaze with puppy dog eyes through the narrow window. Jax may have thought he could convince here that there was nothing between them with his "it's ancient history" crap but Tara's poker face was for shit.

"You and I have our differences."

Snapping back to reality, Tara turned her attention from the sitting room over to Gemma, her expression blank and Gemma smirked at the elephant in the room before she continued. "I guess breaking hearts and accusing someone of trying to kill a junkie can drive a wedge."

Tara shook her head, the expression in her eyes devoid of the offhand humor Gemma had tried for. "I suppose. Actually trying to kill the junkie in question could sour a person also."

Gemma's eyes narrowed but she forced herself to continue. "Anyway. You did a good job with the kid. That won't be forgotten."

Tara crossed her arms over her chest. " Thank you. He had an excellent team, I'm just happy I could be a part of it."

Gemma seemed genuine and she had no doubt that she meant what she'd just said. Still, knowing Gemma the way she did, there was an angle here that she was certain Gemma was about to reveal and she waited the older woman out.

The look in Gemma's face was pure sincerity. "With him getting out of there, he should be out of the hospital pretty soon. I'm assuming that'll mean you and Jax won't have much more to talk about."

Tara smiled humorlessly and shook her head. "God, you really can't resist can you?"

Gemma took a step closer until they stood toe to toe. "What can I say? I'm not necessarily a pillar of self-control. You never know what I might do."

All traces of patience drained from Tara's face at the veiled threat and a calm fury filled her eyes. "There's nothing going on between me and Jax, but if there was I promise you there'd be nothing you could do about it. If you doubt that, go ahead and push Gemma. We'll see what _I_ might do."

The corner of Gemma's mouth kicked up. "You threatening me sweetheart?"

Tara's hands balled up into fists, her head screaming at her to tell Gemma just how serious a threat she was and then she remembered herself. She wasn't this girl anymore. She didn't claw and scratch and punch and kick when she got mad. She was a fucking surgeon for god's sake. She was better than this.

With one last glare at Gemma she stepped to the side and walked away, not trusting her tenuous grasp on composure enough to say anything else. In a decade she'd never raised her fists once, never got in fights, never tried to intimidate someone. Never even felt the need. Back in Charming for only a couple of months and suddenly the desire to plow her fist in Gemma's face was nearly overwhelming.

She knew, as she strode toward the nurse's station to update Abel's chart, that the common thread was Jax. Knew that something about him, even just being in his world, threw her baser instincts into the fore. She took a deep breath, trying to hide the fact that it didn't just piss her off but scared the living shit out of her as well. She'd come back here because she felt like she no longer had any control of her life, her safety. Now she was feeling out of control in an entirely different yet not foreign way and the idea of lapsing back into the person she used to be made her want to get into her car and run like hell just as she had the last time her life had spiraled out of control. And the time before that.

Gemma watched her go for a moment, the knowledge that she'd gotten under her skin giving her a small sense of satisfaction before she walked quietly back into the NICU visiting room to take her turn with Abel. Jax looked up at her and smiled, a contentment shining in his face that Gemma hadn't seen in longer than she could remember and she put all thoughts of Tara out of her head. There were very few defining moments in life, moments that stuck with you until your dying day and this was one of them. Holding her very first grandson for the very first time. Getting to see the look of love and pride in her son's eyes as he cradled his baby in his arms. Worrying about the fallout that would happen if Tara got her clutches into Jax again melted away as she walked toward him and put her hand on his shoulder.

Jax looked back down at Abel's perfect face, smiled wide as the baby continued to stare at him with interest. "I wonder what he's thinking."

Gemma smiled. "Don't worry. Before long he'll let you know exactly what he's thinking whether you wanna hear it or not."

Jax chuckled and looked back up, searching the room. "Where's Tara?"

Gemma bit her tongue against the desire to tell him she'd fallen off of the face of the earth and to stop worrying about her. "Got paged."

Jax nodded casually but Gemma could see the fleeting shred of disappointment in his eyes just before it was replaced with mischief as he gazed back down into Abel's face. "I think someone else wants to hold you little man. Wanna meet Grandma?"

Standing up, Jax smirked at the feigned annoyance in his mother's face. "You get way too big a kick out of that."

Handing the baby over to Gemma and watching her fall even deeper in love Jax chuckled softly. "Don't act like you don't love it."

Sitting down in the chair her son had just occupied, Gemma pressed her face softly to the boy's head and breathed deeply. "Okay, you got me."

Jax smiled at her, wished for the first time in a long time that his dad were still alive. He wished he could see what a beautiful boy he'd made, wished he could have seen him hold Abel with pride the way Gemma did now. The way Tara had earlier. Things may have been complicated with her at the moment, but Jax knew he'd never forget the look of pride and happiness in her face as she'd presented him with his son. There was something so right about her being the person to place Abel in his arms. It had made the whole thing just that much more perfect.

The ringing of his phone interrupted his thoughts and he reached into his pocket to answer it. "Yeah."

"You gotta get down to Donovan's man. Mayans hit us."

He'd heard the quiet determination in Tig's voice before and it set every hair on end. "On my way."

Hanging up he looked over at Gemma's curious face. "Everything okay?"

Jax knelt down before her. "I don't know."

Gemma's eyes grew round at the grim set of Jax's mouth. "What happened?"

Jax kissed his baby boy on his soft, sweet forehead and then kissed his mother too. "I'm going to find out now. I'll send in a nurse to take him and then you should probably head to the clubhouse."

He flew to the pub, a million scenarios running through his head of what he'd see when he got there. He was relieved when he pulled up and saw that Clay and Tig were all right but the relief was short lived as he heard about McKeavy, saw how badly his replacement Cameron Hayes was injured. The fury in Tig's eyes never diminished as they loaded the Irishman into the back of the ambulance Half Sack had stolen. It just made no sense. Why the fuck would the Mayans hit them now? What the hell was the angle?

With most of the guys heading back to the clubhouse in the ambulance, Clay, Tig, Opie and Jax stayed behind to try and make sense of what had just happened.

"You think this hit was just about us, or us and the Irishman?"

Clay shook his head at Tig's question. "I don't know."

Jax furrowed his brow in confusion. "How would Alvarez know about the Irish?"

Tig looked directly at Jax. "Darby man. It was Darby. The Nords and the Mayans have joined forces, I saw it happening weeks ago when we blew up that warehouse. I told you we should've handled it then. This is bloody Sunday brother. We gotta call in all the Sons. All of them. Kill this cracker/wetback alliance now."

"Tig's right. We need bodies, we need guns."

Jax looked helplessly at Tig and then shook his head as his best friend's words hung in the air. It wasn't much of a stretch to assume that Darby had teamed up with Alvarez. Tig wasn't the only one who'd seen it coming. Trouble was, the timing couldn't have been shittier. They weren't in a position to retaliate the way they needed to but the furious energy was pouring out of both Clay and Tig and Jax knew that he was finally going to lose this tug of war.

Seeing his reaction, Clay turned to Jax. "You with us here?"

Jax met his eyes. "We're not ready for war. We got no cash. No weapons surplus. Not to mention ATF's still in place."

Clay's patience with Jax's new found restraint finally snapped. "We can always find cash and weapons, the question is are you with us here!"

Jax looked to Tig. "Can you give us a minute?"

Clay's irritation put a thinly veiled smirk of satisfaction on Tig's face. "Yeah. Sure."

Opie and Tig walked a few yards away and Jax looked Clay in the eye. "You think I'm distracted? All this shit with my kid?"

Clay closed the distance between them, rage boiling under his skin. "I'm very concerned about your focus but I'm having serious doubts about your level of commitment to this club."

It was Jax's turn to lose patience. "I risked my life today for 15 grand because this club needed it. My commitment hasn't changed. And the damage that happened to my family? Yeah, I'm seeing things different. Big picture shit. For me, this club. Bit I ain't afraid to get bloody Clay. I'm just afraid all that blood's gonna kill Samcro."

Clay's eyes grew wide and his nostrils flared. It was like JT was speaking to him from the other fucking side and he was getting pretty fed up with Tellers trying to tell him right and wrong, how to run _his _fucking club, especially after a couple piece of shit Mayans tried to blow a hole through him. "Alvarez tried to assassinate me today! Right now, this in only about blood! And _I'll_ worry about all that big picture shit after this score gets settled."

Clay stormed toward where Tig and Opie stood, undoubtedly to plan their move, and Jax stormed to his bike. He knew this couldn't end well, knew that they were outgunned and outnumbered at the present moment and no matter how much he knew an eye needed to be dolled out for an eye it didn't change that they were going to start a war they couldn't win.

He pulled into Teller Morrow and peered into the back of the open ambulance, saw how hard Chibs was working to save Cameron in the closed garage bay. A sense of foreboding stole over him. This was the past and the present of the club, brothers working feverishly to patch other brothers up. Blood on their hands. No matter how hard Jax tried, maybe he couldn't change things from the inside. The roar of bikes told him that Clay and Tig had pulled onto the lot and he walked over to lean against a workbench as they made their way into the garage too. Hell if JT hadn't been able to change the course of the club the he _founded_, what made Jax think he had a snowball's chance in hell? Maybe some things were just unchangeable.

A flurry of movement drew his eye to the office doorway as Gemma burst in, her eyes wide with dread. "What happened?"

Tig jerked his head to the back of the ambulance just as Clay walked into eyeshot. "Ask him."

The relief on Gemma's face cut straight to Jax's heart as she rushed to Clay and pulled him into her arms. He watched longingly as she doted over him, let him know how loved he was. They'd found in each other that person who would go on the journey with them, who knew everything about them and accepted it. Even cherished it. He was pleased to see them get a moment together but couldn't help that it made him feel utterly alone. Tara's face swam unbidden in his head and he realized that, try as he might, maybe the club wasn't the only thing that was unchangeable.

When she'd left she'd told him she was losing him, that he was becoming the club and that she couldn't wonder night after night what kind of illegal things he was doing. Couldn't wonder if he would come home or not. Ten years later and she was fixing his son's heart while he was lighting a Mayan warehouse on fire with dead bodies inside. As much as he wanted something like what his mom and Clay had, he knew that he'd really ever only wanted it with Tara and that was off the table. She hadn't wanted it back when they were together and she'd pretty well proven she didn't want it now. On a practical level he understood it. Still, he hated that it could hurt so fucking much.

Which made what he had to do in order to save Cameron Hayes all the more unattractive. Taking a list of medical supplies that Chibs rattled off to him in his thick, Scottish accent he walked into the office and dialed her cell. After two rings she answered and he wanted to kick himself for feeling his heart twitch at the sound of her voice.

"Hey. I hate to ask but I need a favor. We got a guy here who's hurt pretty bad and we need to borrow some medical supplies."

There was a long pause on the other end and his earlier thoughts echoed loudly in his head. She had no desire to be a part of the whacked out shit he was a part of and yet she always ended up involved against her will. "What kind of supplies?"

Jax looked down at his list and read it off. "Suturing supplies, gauze, tape, Lignocaine, antibiotics, syringes, antiseptic and straight forceps."

Tara paused again and he could practically hear her mind whirring. She was a surgeon, she had to know what this shit was for and for just a second he thought she was going to tell him to go fuck himself.

"Meet me at my house, I'll leave here right now. I can't get all of that but I might be able to help a little."

He had to resist letting out an audible sigh of relief. "Thanks."

He got there first and sat down on the front step, just as he had the night Kohn had left town. His leg still throbbed from where he'd been stabbed with Floyd's barber shears but it was nothing next to the rawness he felt in his chest at everything that incident had unearthed. Tara had used him and he couldn't shake how badly it had fucked him up. Not because she had done it, but because all she'd had to do was talk to him about it from the get go. He would do anything for Tara, always would have. She didn't tell him what was going on, clearly hadn't trusted him enough to help her and instead had hidden behind him in secret until he did what she'd bet on him doing all along. If he'd ever needed any proof that she'd moved on, that she no longer valued him the same way she used to, that was it.

Her headlights illuminated the driveway and he realized that the advice he'd given his mom this morning was actually advice that he needed himself. He hadn't gotten over her. But it was time for him to. It was time for him to let her go.

She got out of her car and smiled weakly at him as he stood to meet her. "My supplies are inside."

Stepping awkwardly past him she opened the door, her nervousness at being alone with him after their last meeting on her doorstep more than obvious and his resolve deepened. "I appreciate you helping us out."

She took off her messenger bag and made her way toward a storage cupboard in the hallway. Well, I'll see what I have in my kit. I couldn't take anything from St. Thomas, they inventory."

Jax nodded and stopped in the middle of the room. "Yeah, of course. Whatever you have is fine."

She came back in with a large orange bag and handed it to him, careful not to make physical contact. "Here's some of the things you need."

He looked down at the kit, avoiding her eyes. "Great. Thanks."

She could see the preoccupation on his face, could tell that something was bothering him tremendously but she steeled herself against it. She'd let him in too much, let everything with Josh drive her closer and closer to him and she had to put some of the distance back up if she was going to have a shot at living in the same town with him. She couldn't let things like what almost happened with Gemma that afternoon keep happening. She'd worked too hard to change and all of it started and stopped with him. Crossing her arms over her chest she looked calmly into his eyes. "I'm not sure what's going on Jax but I hope it works out okay."

He met her eyes and nodded. "Yeah. I'm sorry."

Caught off guard by his apology she lowered her brows. "For what?"

For just a second he tried to fight the urge to tell her what he was thinking but he couldn't. She was too important, too much a part of him. Cutting her out was going to hurt, but it was the only way he was every going to finally fucking heal. "You know, when I heard you were back in town I ran the scenario for how this would work. You and me."

Despite herself a small smile broke across her face. "What'd it look like?"

His eyes were sad and something in the back of her mind grew uneasy. "Like this. You wondering what kind of bad shit I was doing. Me saying I'm sorry."

Tara's smile fell as she realized that he was directly referencing the last few months of their relationship all those years ago. Those horrible, dark months. "Yeah. Guess this conversation feels familiar."

Jax stared into her eyes. "Yeah. Cuz I'm the same guy. Wearing the same kutte. But you, you're someone different doc. That's a good thing."

A small, panicky sensation rose up in her throat as she realized that he was pulling away. His words, his tone, every bit of him seemed as if he was saying goodbye and a vision of them as casual acquaintances, seeing each other occasionally in town and sharing congenial smiles as if they didn't even know each other filled her mind as he began limping slowly toward her front door. She hated it, hated the idea that they might know a life where they meant nothing to each other and suddenly she was speaking before she could stop herself.

"Tonight-"

He stopped at the opened door and turned at the sound of her voice, looking into her eyes.

"I saw a father who loves his son, no fear of being vulnerable, of letting someone in. It may be the same kutte, but it's not the same guy."

Jax stared at her as her words registered. His heart wanted to believe that what she was saying with her words, with the softness in her eyes and in her voice, was that who she saw now wasn't merely a Son. He wasn't just "the club" in her eyes anymore, he was a man who'd matured enough to let someone into his heart and it had sounded very much like she had wanted that someone to be her. Trouble was, he'd never been the one that had kept her out. That had been her doing. Maybe she was projecting her own shit, he had no idea. All he knew was, back in the day she didn't want to be a part of his world all of a sudden and she'd closed herself off. Now it sounded like, just maybe, she wanted to be let back in. Ten minutes ago that wasn't an option. Right now, with her wide eyes staring at him and the familiarity of her house surrounding him he felt that decision begin to evaporate.

Completely unable to respond past the chaos her words had caused in his head, he mumbled a hasty goodnight and turned to leave. Limping to his bike, he put the kit in the saddlebag and started back toward the clubhouse. Her words had messed his mind up worse than before he'd called her. He'd grown accustomed to the hurt that her absence had left him with, had carried it around like an old friend as his only reminder of how much she'd mattered. How good he'd had it once upon a time. Over these last few days he'd finally felt like he'd gained some perspective. She didn't love him anymore and he needed to let go of all the memories, to actually give moving on a real chance. Of course, Tara wouldn't be Tara if she didn't throw all of his plans into chaos. He'd think things were going down one road, would be sure of his course and then she'd throw in a hair pin turn, spin him around until he had no fucking clue which way he was going. She'd always kept him guessing and it pissed him off all while keeping him coming back for more.

Jax stopped at the light on third and he realized that he'd been so lost in thought that he'd almost made the whole trip back with no memory of it. He could see the floods at the clubhouse from where he was when his phone started ringing in his pocket. Reaching in for it the caller ID showed Tara's number and his breath caught.

"Yeah."

Relief flooded through her so forcefully at the sound of his voice that her knees nearly went weak. "He's here Jax. He's here, I shot him."

The panic and sheer terror in her voice had the hair on the back of his neck automatically standing up. "Who's there? What are you talking about?"

"Josh! He's bleeding out in my fucking bedroom!"

His heart slammed in his chest. He was almost back to Teller Morrow, it was going to take him at least twenty minutes to get back to her. "Get the fuck out of the house!"

"He's gut shot in my bedroom Jax! He attacked me, I couldn't stop him!"

Jax heard muffled, angry yelling in the background and his blood went ice cold.

"I'm on my way. Stay away from him. Tara, you kill him if you have to."

He jammed the end call button and swung his bike into a wide turn, hitting the throttle for all he was worth once he was pointed her way. He'd watched that asshole leave town! How the fuck had he managed to circle back without anyone seeing him? Jax sped up, the medical supplies and a wounded Cameron completely forgotten as he streaked through the night back to her. If that sick fuck hurt a hair on her head...

He didn't give a fuck anymore if she thought of him as no more than her personal henchman. Didn't give a fuck if she'd come back here just so he would do her dirty work. All he cared about in this moment as his engine roared and his blood boiled was keeping Tara safe.

He pulled up in front of her house and practically ran to the door, finding the will power somewhere to knock instead of kicking it in. It only took her a second to answer and his heart rate ratcheted up again at the sight of her standing there, terrified and small in only her underwear and a black shirt she'd hastily wrapped around herself.

He looked her up and down as he walked in, the slow burn of rage beginning to boil in his belly as he took in her state of half dress. "Holy shit."

"I couldn't stop him, I tried to talk to him-"

Pulling her into his arms he could feel her shaking, could sense her terror coming from every pore and his focus became razor sharp. This guy was going to pay.

"It's okay, it's alright. Where is he?"

She tipped her head to meet his eyes with her terrified emerald ones. "In the bedroom."

Pulling away from her he looked down at the gun in her hand and reached for it. "Give me that."

She handed it over to him willingly and followed his purposeful stride toward the master, stopping behind him in the doorway. Kohn looked up from his place on the floor and his face paled even more than the blood loss had already caused it to at the sight of Jax.

"Oh shit."

A smug sneer bloomed on Jax's face as he looked at the damage Tara had done to the bastard's gut but his gloating was short lived as she pulled him into the hallway.

"I didn't know what to do. I shot him Jax, I had to. What do I- what do I do? What do we do?"

Her horror and panic only enraged him more until he felt like every nerve in his body was about to snap. This guy thought he could come into his town and fuck with _this _woman? If it weren't for the fact that his first priority was to calm her down Kohn wouldn't have a head at this point. "Okay, Okay. We call this in. You're not gonna get charged, he is. They're gonna patch him up, he'll do a few years for assault. Then he's gonna be out. Free to do this again."

The frustration and anger inside of her boiled over and she smacked her hands against his chest, clutching his shirt in desperation. "No! He can't do this again Jax! Please."

She buried her face in his chest, her small hands still clutching his shirt and a realization hit him with the force of a freight train. He really was the only person that could protect her from this insane fuck, no matter how much he'd resented it. She'd tried to go the proper channels and they had failed her, would only continue to fail her. Kohn had thought he was above the law, that there was no one to help her get away from him. He'd been wrong.

As if he could hear Jax's thoughts, Kohn screamed at them from the bedroom in a voice that dripped disdain through the searing pain he had to be in. "Teller's your solution?! You pathetic whore!"

Tara quaked involuntarily at his jibes, as if just the sound of Kohn's voice was enough to render her powerless and her voice was reduced to a whisper. "I can't do this. Please."

His protective instincts flared to life as the nerves that had been so stretched, so frayed, so taught snapped in Jax's mind and shot electricity through his body, forcing his legs to move toward Kohn. No thought crossed his mind as he felt himself, almost as if he was a passenger in his own skin, lift the gun while his target stared madly at the woman he'd tortured for so long. He didn't notice Jax, didn't see the death in his crystal blue eyes as he continued to hurl insults. He was so intent, in his psychosis, to hurt the woman he felt that he owned that he never saw the muzzle of the gun align with his head.

"Once a biker slut always a biker slu-"

The deafening crack of the shot pierced the room as Kohn slumped bonelessly to the floor, his head landing on the tile in the bathroom as Tara's horrified screams filled the air. And then there was silence, punctuated only by the sound of Jax's blood roaring in his ears as the realization of what he'd done hit him full force in the chest. Calmly, never taking his eyes off of Kohn, Jax sat on the side of the bed and placed the gun gently on the nightstand, letting out a shaky breath. He wore a Men of Mayhem patch. He'd killed before, for the club. But never like this. Anyone who'd been on the receiving end of Jax's gun before had been a part of the outlaw world, someone who'd known the risks of their actions when they'd chosen to fuck with Samcro. This wasn't a club hit, wasn't a guy who'd been killed in the process of defending the Sons or what they stood for. Jax had been defending something else entirely.

Slowly, Tara made her way over to the bed, her eyes staring widely at Kohn's lifeless body. Her hands were up by her mouth and Jax could see them shaking slightly. They looked like his insides felt. A new fear and uncertainty tore through him of what she was thinking. He'd done what he had to do and he'd protected her. But now she'd seen it, seen the monster that lived inside of him, seen the lethal man that she'd suspected he was and run from all those years ago and as she sat slowly next to him on the bed his heart slammed against his ribs. Would she be afraid of him now? In saving her from the man who'd terrorized her, would she look at him with fear after witnessing just what he was capable of?

Her shoulders heaved and she let out a tortured cry, the sound of it ripping through him as her face crumpled. Terror, relief, guilt, uncertainty, regret, all of it filled the room with the sound of her sobs and his desire to soothe her overcame his fear. Gathering her into his arms he tried to comfort her, to quiet the tears she shed so rarely. He couldn't bear to see her hurting, it was the only thing in this life he'd never been able to take.

Framing her face in his hands, he tried to meet her eyes but her panic still had a hold of her. It tore his heart in half and the last bits of self-preservation he had crumpled into dust. He still loved her, still loved her so much that it filled his whole heart. There had never been anyone else because there simply hadn't been enough room. He'd fallen in love with her so wholly, so entirely that she didn't merely fill his heart. She was his heart.

He stroked her hair, desperation to soothe her building slowly inside of him as he whispered that it would be okay over and over. Finally, she lifted her eyes to his and he expected to see fear, horror and maybe even anger but what he actually saw stopped his heart. Her eyes were watery, terrified, but her defenses had slipped away too and as she bored her green eyes into his he could see perfect trust and a deeply buried love all the way down to her soul. Everything suddenly became clear in that millionth of a second. She hadn't used him at all, hadn't come back because she knew he was capable of taking out her problem for her. She'd come back because she'd been terrified for her life and he was the only one she trusted in the world.

Suddenly, the look on her face changed and she took his face in her hands before pressing her lips to his. The kiss was quick, almost platonic, but the sensation it caused shook him to his core. Staring into her eyes he didn't have to wonder if she felt it too and he knew he had to feel it again, had to have more of her. Leaning in it was his turn to initiate, lingering longer than she had before pulling back to gauge her reaction. The fire low in his belly was a perfect mirror in the deep green of her eyes and there was no question that the desire that had taunted them from the moment they'd seen each other again was about to consume them whole.

They struggled to control it, tried for just another moment to hold it at bay as they held onto each other for dear life. There was so much history, so much carnage literally at their feet. If they let go now, surrendered to what they wanted, they could never go back, could never lock this shit up again like some kind of Pandora's box and act like it didn't mean anything. At least Jax knew he couldn't. Not now.

Holding her face in his hands, feeling hers on his, he tried desperately to hold out but he knew any dregs of restraint he'd had when it came to her had died along with the fed he'd killed in her name.

Closing the inches between them he took her mouth again, dragged in a ragged breath through his nose at the detonations of sensation that exploded in his body as she met him with a force all her own. Holy fuck she felt so good. He'd lost count of the women he'd been with but he could say for certain that none of them felt like this. They never had, never could. Spearing his fingers into her hair he devoured her mouth like a starving man, only vaguely aware that he was laying back and pulling her on top of him. His body caught fire everywhere hers touched it, made his skin hum and his heart pound as he speared his hands into her hair and took her mouth with the greed of the starving. It had been so long, so long since he'd felt this way.

Dragging his hands down her neck he stopped at the shirt she'd thrown on to hide herself from Kohn and pushed it over her shoulders, letting his fingers drag against her skin until he got the shirt far enough down her arms for her to pull them out of the sleeves. He felt her start to yank on his kutte and he reared up until she straddled his waist. Her lips never left his as she pushed his leather off but she had to pull back so she could get his sweatshirt and undershirt off too. He lifted his arms to make it easier, practically fucking trembled at the feeling of her hands dragging up the sides of his body as his clothes came off. No sooner had she tossed his shirts aside he reached for her again, crushing her to his chest and failing to stifle the shudder the feeling of her flesh against his caused. He had to get closer, had to feel all of her and reached behind her back to flick the clasp of her bra.

She yanked it down over her arms and threw it to the ground, crushing herself back against him as she took his blonde hair in fistfuls while her mouth devoured the groan issuing from his lips. Their tongues went to war as their hands grabbed and pulled, roaming everywhere with touches that were eager and hurried. It was as if they were rememorizing each other, trying to recommit to memory every curve, every sinew. There were dips and valleys, scars and muscles that were new but they were still them, still the people who'd loved each other so deeply. Who still did.

Jax pulled her back down on top of him again, wrapping his arms around her to roll them until their positions were reversed. Tara wasted no time in reaching between them to unbuckle his belt before she started pushing desperately at his jeans and boxers. He reached up with one hand to take over as he supported himself with the other, giving her the opportunity to roll her black panties down and off. She separated her legs eagerly for him and he settled in against her, pausing to gaze down into her face.

Her eyes stopped him and everything around them went still. If he hadn't been there, hadn't been the one it was happening too, he'd have never believed it. But in that moment, it was as if their hearts found a perfect, synchronous rhythm together. They were the only two people on earth and that was just fine with him. He dipped his head to press kisses to her chin, her jaw as she wrapped her arms around him and threaded her fingers through his hair. Their desperation, their need, had evolved into something beyond any simple explanation. All Jax knew was that there was a power in it that was humbling.

Completely caught up in her, he heard himself whisper her name against her neck as he slowly pushed inside of her. Neither of them was prepared for how it felt and they both caught their breath on a wave of passion that left them powerless to move for a second. Lifting his head so he could pin her eyes with his he came back to himself and moved his hips again, rocking inside of her slowly, possessively. She was his. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not forever, but tonight she was his again and he was going to take her. God help him, he was going to take her with everything he had.

Never breaking his gaze away, he reached up, trailing his fingers up her arm until he pulled her hand from his hair and threaded his fingers through hers, lowering their joined hands down onto the bed next to her head. He did the same with her other hand until he had both of her hands pinned in his. He lowered his head, never stopping the languid pace of his hips as he lavished attention on her collarbone, her breasts, her nipples. Unable to contain herself and not really caring to she moaned in pleasure, her whimpers and sighs begging him not to stop. He couldn't tell her that he loved her, honestly didn't know how anymore, but every movement he made showed her.

Her release hit her like an atomic bomb, had her clenching around him and shuddering against him as her breath came out on a wrenching sob and his movements became erratic. He ground against her, thrusting again and again to his hilt and watched as wave after wave of pleasure hit her mercilessly. The triumph in his eyes prolonged her orgasm to impossible lengths. He made her feel like no one ever could and he knew it. As she started to come down she realized he'd been holding off for her and watched as he let himself go, stared into his eyes as a low groan tore from his lips and he spilled himself inside of her. He tightened his hold on her hands as he rode it out, never dragging his eyes away and willing her to understand how much all of this had just meant for him even while he could barely understand it himself.

There was no feeling of _what have we done_? No stirrings of regret or embarrassment. As they stared breathlessly at each other, their skin slick with sweat and their bodies still fused together, the feeling of rightness was almost scary. Jax had been searching. For years he'd been searching for the intangible thing, the feeling that he'd only had when he was with Tara. Hundreds of women, hundreds of circumstances and he had never been able to get it back. Cradling her in his arms, the circumstances for how they'd gotten here beyond unbelievable, he realized why.

He may have had sex with many women but he hadn't made love until tonight in over ten years. Brushing a hand over her hair and lowering his forehead to rest against hers as they caught their breath together he knew that this woman would be the only one he could ever truly make love to, the only one he could give himself to that way. It was just how he was built and no matter what the future held for them now, this night had put that to rest in his mind.


	18. Chapter 18

**Thank you guys so much for hanging in there with me on this. I was rolling with this story and all was straight in my head and then suddenly, the muse just left me. I really apologize for the massive wait, but I do assure you I have every intention of finishing this. I have an outline of how it will all play out, it has just been adding the living flesh that really proved the challenge. Thank you again for reading, your reviews and feedback have meant the world to me as I tried to get my flow back. I truly hope it will be worth your wait when it's all finished (which I really intend to be at a steadier pace from here on in.)**

**1995**

"Oh, you think this shit is funny?"

Jax looked over at Tara and lost the war he'd been waging to hold his laugh in, causing her to dissolve from a shit-eating smirk into a fit of giggles so wild and so girly that she almost couldn't believe they were coming from her. She knew she should be freaking out, knew that she was sitting in a police station with the stink of Irish whiskey on her breath and her lips still swollen from making out with her boyfriend but she couldn't muster the ability to give a rat's ass.

Unser leaned down until he was eye level with the drunken, cocky teenagers sitting in the chairs in front of his desk. With a little effort they calmed themselves back down long enough to meet the sheriff's eyes, but Jax knew his own still danced with mirth.

"You two little pricks got off easy tonight. If San Joa PD picks you up there won't be any pep talks or warnings. You won't get to call mommy for a ride home and you won't be able to keep this kind of thing off of your record." Unser looked at Tara. "You're a good kid Tara. I'd rather let you off with a warning but if this happens again and Charming PD isn't there to pick you up you'll have an MIP on your record."

Tara nodded, her drunkenness with both the Jameson in her system and the boy at her side coursing so forcefully through her veins that the well intentioned warning of the Chief's words were lost on her. "Yes sir, Chief Unser sir."

She gave a jaunty little salute, which tore a hearty guffaw out of Jax.

"What the hell is so funny?"

Unser looked toward the doorway of his office and threw his hands into the air as Gemma made her way inside. "Maybe you can talk some sense into them, they sure as hell aren't listening to me."

Jax and Tara sobered considerably as Gemma made her way to the desk, stopping behind Unser to level a glare at her son and the girl she'd come to think of as the daughter she'd never had.

"What did you do?"

When neither of the teens would answer, Unser piped up for them. "One of my deputies came across them sucking each other's faces off in the parking lot of the movie theater. He was going to just tell them to move along when a fifth of whiskey fell out this genius's pocket."

Jax glared slightly at Unser as the chief gestured derisively toward him, his tone dripping with sarcasm at the word "genius" and Unser glared right back. "You know we could pop you for public indecency, MIP and DUI don't you?"

Gemma turned to Unser. "Can I take them home?"

Unser threw his hands up in the air in exasperation. "Be my guest, I'm sure we won't be parted long."

Jax and Tara stood, the cocky sneers still firmly planted on their faces as they made their way out to Gemma's car. They both got into the back seat, Jax taking Tara's hand the minute their doors were closed. Tara looked up at him, looked into his drunken face and knew her smile probably looked about as sappy as a Hallmark commercial. She felt invincible. He was Jax Teller and she was his and nothing bad could befall her as long as she was with him. He was the prince of Charming and they owned the town.

Gemma got into the driver seat with a hearty slam of her door and started the car. "What the hell is wrong with the two of you? Have you ever heard the phrase, "get a room"?"

Jax kept his eyes on Tara as he answered his mother. "It wasn't like that mom, Unser's deputy was full of shit."

Gemma had to fight not to turn around and smack him upside the head. "Oh, so he planted that bottle? Did he force it down your lying trap too, cuz I can smell it on you from here."

Jax turned to look at the rearview mirror and met her furious eyes, the humor of the situation finally dying down. The cops held absolutely zero terror for him. His mother was another matter entirely. She had ways of making his life hell that Unser and his little cages couldn't even come close to.

Glancing over at Tara he could see that Gemma's anger had sunken in for her too and he squeezed her hand a little tighter. He would take the heat, make sure Gemma knew that Tara wasn't to blame. There was only one thing worse than incurring Gemma's wrath and that was the idea of it being directed toward Tara.

They rode the rest of the way in silence, which was only broken when Gemma pulled up in front of her own house and shut off the ignition. "Get inside."

Tara looked at the back of her head in confusion. "You're not taking me home?"

Gemma turned in her seat to look into the drunken girl's eyes. "You need to sleep it off. I called your dad to tell him you were with us. Said there was a party over here and that you were all supervised."

Tara's eyes widened. "He went for that?"

Gemma's expression was pure annoyance. "I got the machine."

Tara rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I'm sure he's doing a little partying of his own."

Gemma kept her expression hard even though her heart hurt for the lost little girl in the back seat of her car. No mother and barely any father. No kid should have to take care of themselves so soon and the more Gemma watched Tara the more she saw that was exactly what she'd had to do. That was why she sure as hell wasn't taking her home to drunkenly tuck herself into bed all alone. Not in this lifetime.

That didn't mean she wasn't going to hold her accountable when she pulled some crap though. "Well, he's of age and you two aren't so he isn't the one on trial here. You two need to march right into that house and sleep it off. I'd make you sleep in separate rooms but you'll just sneak into the same room the minute I close my eyes for five seconds so I'm not going to bother. Don't get too comfortable though, there are going to be consequences for this."

Jax's eyebrows slammed down until his face was a mask of incredulity. "This wasn't Tara's fault."

"I'll decide whose fault it is in the morning now get the hell out of my car. And you-" Gemma pointed her attention back to Tara. "I won't lie for you again. Clear?"

Tara nodded her head, shocked to feel her mood swing from giddy excitement for most of the night to embarrassment in the blink of an eye. They got out of the car and walked into the house, bee lining it for Jax's room. Once inside, Jax watched as Tara sank down onto the end of the bed and hung her head low.

Making his way to her side he sat down next to her and put his arm around her, pulling her close. "I'm sorry I got you into trouble."

She shook her head and looked up at him, a soft smile on her lips despite her sad expression. "You didn't hold a gun to my head and force me to straddle you on your bike outside of the movie theater."

Jax smiled at the memory, smiled because she was right. They'd snuck the liquor into the theater and gotten slowly and powerfully tipsy before the movie was even halfway over. Jax had reached for the bottle for another swig, his body warm and his head light when he felt his arm graze her breast and that was all it had taken for him lean in and take her mouth, to taste the whisky on her lips and feel how it had warmed her tongue as it slid along his own. Before he'd known it she was stroking him through his jeans and he had one hand on her breast. Someone cleared their throat from somewhere behind them, bringing them back to reality and they'd pulled apart just long enough to look into each other's eyes. They didn't even need to speak, knew they just needed to get the fuck out of there. Fast.

His plan had been to drive out to their spot, to their tree on the outskirts of Macon Woods and make love under the stars as they had so many times over the last year and a half. The weather was getting warm and he liked nothing more than the feel of the night air on their overheated bodies. They'd gotten as far as the parking lot and the rest was history.

Jax pressed a kiss to her forehead and got up, walking to his closet to grab her a shirt. "Gemma's right, we may as well get some sleep before she chews our asses tomorrow."

Tara got up and started unbuttoning her jeans, suddenly feeling the sleepiness that only a long night and a good measure of alcohol can provide. She let the soft denim slide down her legs, kicking them off and pulling her tight, baby doll t-shirt over her head just as Jax came out with the shirt he'd gotten for her to sleep in. His heart kicked up in his chest at the sight of her standing at the foot of the bed in nothing but her bra and panties and a smile lightly touched his lips as he walked slowly toward her.

"I brought you something to sleep in."

She took the shirt from him and almost immediately let it drop to the floor, her eyes twinkling with mischief despite her obvious exhaustion. Jax's heart warmed. He'd had a lot of good and a lot of bad in his life, more probably than most people and he was still only a kid. He knew that. But, in moments like this when he stood a breath away from her lips and looked into eyes that focused only on him, he knew that falling in love with Tara was the best thing that had ever happened to him.

He took her slowly, the way a lover does who knows his partner well but still craves the feel of her. He awed while he was inside of her at how right he felt, how perfectly they fit together. Before they collapsed back onto the pillows for a dreamless sleep, before they found their eventual release, Jax froze this moment as he had so many others in his mind and heart to think about later when they weren't together. It was practically all that got him through his grueling days lately, especially now that he didn't go to school with her anymore.

It seemed like they'd only just fallen asleep in each other's arms, complete and satisfied, when a pounding on the door woke them and Jax opened one eye to the world. Soft light streamed in through his window and he groaned lightly at the realization that it was way too fucking early for a Saturday morning. Gemma was going to be thorough and merciless with her punishment.

Putting the clothes on that they'd been in the night before, they shuffled into the kitchen, their expressions contrite. Gemma eyed them both through slitted eyes as she leaned against the kitchen counter and sipped her coffee. "Have a seat, this'll only take a second."

_Yeah, so did an execution_ Jax thought, but kept his mouth shut.

"I talked to Unser. He said the fine for a minor in possession ticket is $250 and a license suspension."

Jax had a feeling he knew where this was going and his stomach sank to his feet.

"I talked to Clay and he said that he didn't really need both you and Opie at the shop today so, the way I figure it, you have $250 worth of fines to work off and no place to do it." He would have thought it impossible but she managed to lower her eyes even further to achieve the maximum amount of menace. "So it looks like you'll have to head out to the lumber yard."

Jax's eyebrows shot to his hairline. "What?"

Gemma's expression was unchangeable. "I called Pete Nelson this morning, he said they could always use strong hands to haul the lumber. You'd better get going, they need you by seven."

Fury filled his belly at the unfairness of it all. "This is complete bullshit mom, I'm not working off a fine I never got."

Gemma all but slammed her coffee cup down on the counter. "You never got it because Unser is a softie and fell for his loyalty to us and this one's big, green doe eyes."

Tara dropped her gaze as Gemma jabbed a thumb over at her and stayed silent. Jax's punishment was pretty rough and she knew she wasn't getting off scott free. The anticipation at what hell she had coming for last night's little run in fluttered sickeningly in her belly.

Jax and Gemma stared at each other defiantly as angry silence filled the room, hanging oppressively in the air. When she picked up where she'd left off, her voice was quiet. "The fine was only part of the punishment. You get out there and work it off or I'll exact the second part and park your pretty little bike behind a locked bay door in the garage until next weekend."

She had him, he knew it and she knew it. He wanted to rage at her, to tell her that she could go to hell, but he had no doubt she'd make good on her threat and Tara was practically trying to cast a disappearing spell on herself beside him. Guilt gnawed him.

"Fine, I'll haul lumber. Lemme just take Tara home first and I'll head straight out there."

Gemma stood and downed the last of her coffee. "You have a full day ahead of you, I wasn't kidding when I said you needed to get the lead out and I have other plans for miss Tara. Don't worry, your beloved will be safe with me."

"Mom, this wasn't her fault. I'll take the punishment on this."

His mother rolled her eyes. "Your chivalry is touching, really, but she's a big girl and she'll take responsibility for her own actions."

Tara looked at him imploringly but they both knew their fates weren't in their hands. Leaning down to press a quick kiss to her lips he gave her a flip smile to quell her building anxiety. "It'll be fine. Promise."

She nodded and with a last look into each other's eyes he turned to get ready to leave, not at all liking the fact that he had to leave her alone with his mother when he had no earthly fucking clue what Gemma had in store for her. He was responsible for her and not being able to draw all the heat made him feel like he'd let her down. To him, that was a way bigger fucking punishment than hauling some shit around the lumber yard and he got on his bike to go meet his fate with a sick feeling in his stomach.

Once they were alone Gemma met Tara's eyes and she was struck, yet again, with the quiet resolve and courage she always saw there. Tara respected her, listened to her and tried to please her but she never acted afraid or intimidated of her.

"Now you, missy, are another story. I can't have you working in the lumber yard all day but it would hardly be fair if I didn't fuck your Saturday up too so you're with me."

Tara's eyes widened. "With you?"

Gemma walked her coffee cup over to the kitchen sink. "Saturday is a crazy day at the shop and I need a set of hands to set the clubhouse to rights. There's a big party there tonight and I want the place smelling like something other than stale beer and old pussy. It's becoming a HAZMAT situation in there and I don't have time to deal with it and run the front office today too which means, you're on toilet duty sweetheart."

Tara stared at her. She couldn't be serious.

"You want me to clean the clubhouse?"

Gemma put her hand on her hip. "Yeah. It's gonna be a pretty packed day so let's head to your house and get you changed so we can get moving."

As if moving through a dream Tara followed Gemma out to the car and got in. The ride to her house was silent until they pulled up in front of her house and saw that her dad's car was in the driveway.

Gemma glanced over at her. "Want me to come in with you?"

Tara unfastened her safety belt and shook her head. "No, I can handle it. I'll be back in a second."

As she walked in the front door of her house the sound of Gemma's voice floated through the air to meet her from the answering machine in the kitchen.

"_-so I'm gonna keep the kids here tonight, I hope that's alright. Clay and I are both here and supervising. Give us a call if you'd prefer she not stay, otherwise I'll have her home in the morning to check in before she needs to be at the office with me for that work-study for school. Thanks Rick."_

Work-study? Total confusion rattled around in her mind for a second before she realized that Gemma had planned to keep her around all day from the moment she'd gotten the call from Unser. She knew she was going to make Tara come in and clean the clubhouse and had made some weird work-study assignment up. Tara had to hand it to Gemma. No one was better at getting their way.

Turning from the machine as the message ended her father caught sight of her and they stared at each other for a moment. "So, you're living with this boy now? You don't feel it's necessary to come home at night?"

The annoyance in his voice coupled with the post bender flush of his cheeks had her temper rising at his hypocrisy and she started to walk toward her room to change her clothes. "I guess I figured since you live at the bar it wouldn't be a big deal."

"Hey!"

She slammed the door at his protest and yanked her shirt over her head as she searched for a clean one. On an academic level she knew he was her father, knew that she'd never so much as looked at him disrespectfully before she'd started dating Jax but things were so different now. Everything had changed, she had changed, and she wasn't going to accept parenting from a man who would have never even known she was gone had it not been for Gemma's message.

He banged on her door and she stepped out of her jeans, ignoring him, as she pulled a pair of shorts on and slid her feet into sandals.

"You listen to me Tara. What I do is my business, I'm the parent here."

Throwing her thick, dark hair back into a messy ponytail she unlocked her door and stepped toe to toe with him. "Since when?"

He looked as if he'd been slapped in the face, giving Tara a chance to walk past him and back toward the front door. The look of shock and hurt on his face would haunt her for the rest of her life, partly because she'd caused it and partly because she'd meant it. She no more thought of him as her parent than she thought of the egg she'd had to care for as a freshman year biology project as her baby. It had taken watching Jax with his mother and off and on with Clay to see what a parent really did. Her dad didn't fit that bill.

"Stop right there Tara Grace."

She opened the front door but stopped in the threshold, turning to face him with a glare as he walked purposefully toward her.

"I'm not sure what's gotten into you but I'm sure it has something to do with that Teller kid. I've told you before, you need to steer clear of Samcro Tara. That's a road you can't come back from once you go down it."

His words buzzed in her subconscious, the truth of them planting tiny seeds that her mind locked mercilessly away before they could root and she sneered at him. "Thanks for the sudden life advice dad, but I've been navigating my own roads for awhile now and I don't need your help."

With that she turned on her heel and stalked toward Gemma's car, getting in with a good slam and staring out at her father's face as the car pulled away.

The tension and the anxiety pouring off of her filled the car, telling Gemma all she needed to know about how her father had felt about her overnight absence. "I'll call him from the garage. I'll talk to him."

Tara continued to stare out of the window. "I'll handle him myself."

The resolve in her voice stopped Gemma from pushing further. She'd call Rick anyway, try and soothe him. Too much was riding on this, too much effort had gone in already, to have Tara's dad throw a wrench into the works now. Gemma genuinely liked Tara, liked how well she treated Jax and how supportive she seemed to be of him while he prospected. But this was a crazy time in a young man's life, a time where hormones and scant life experience led them to do crazy things and nothing could turn a teenage boy's head like first love and pussy. She knew this all too well. Once she'd seen how tightly Jax was bonded to Tara, how close their connection had become, she knew that trying to tear them apart would make Jax choose and he wasn't invested in Samcro enough yet to choose it over the girl. With only a week left of Tara's junior year, she'd be free to go wherever she chose in a year and Gemma knew that any threat she and Jax had to their union could make them leave. Together.

Gemma wouldn't risk it, wouldn't risk losing her son and watching the club she'd helped build fall out of family hands. It was his, someday he would take his place at the head of that table and the sooner that Tara saw that her place was standing by his side the less likely that she would throw a wild card into his hand.

Pulling into the lot Gemma parked and smiled over at her unwitting protégé. There was no time like the present to get her on the path. "The cleaning supplies and gloves are in the long cabinet in the clubhouse kitchen. Come and get me when you're finished."

The girls got out of the car and began to make their separate ways to their destinations when Gemma's voice stopped her.

"Oh and, Tara?"

Tara turned and faced her, watched as she slid her sunglasses up to the top of her head so that Tara could see the utter seriousness in her eyes. "I better be able to eat off of every surface in that place before you even think of coming for me. Got it?"

She nodded, shoving her irritation at her punishment down as she turned to stalk into the clubhouse, her mood growing darker with the second. It was bad enough that her father-in-name-only had tried to act parental toward her, but now her boyfriend's mother was punishing her as if she were her mother too. Tara found it telling whose orders of the two she was currently following, but was too pissed off to analyze it further.

As she walked into the clubhouse and looked around she couldn't help the sudden images of a lesson on Caligula that she'd studied earlier that year. Besides a decent layer of dust and grime and a floor that looked like it hadn't ever seen a mop before, there were beer bottles, overflowing ashtrays and cigarette butts covering every available surface along with dirty paper plates, random Harley magazines and the odd condom wrapper strewn every which way to Sunday. A shudder ran through her at the thought that she would find any of the former contents of those wrappers and breathed an audible sigh of relief when she saw that there were kitchen gloves along with the cleaning supplies in the cabinet.

Walking through the clubhouse with a big plastic trash bag, she started by grabbing the detritus first. The clubhouse wasn't big, so it surprised Tara when she realized that one trash bag wasn't going to get it all. How in the hell could grown men be so filthy? Reaching for a scrap of cloth sticking out from between the couch cushions she had to stifle a gag when she pulled out a dirty, black thong. She didn't care what kind of horror Gemma would come up with, Tara made her mind up that she wasn't touching that bathroom with a ten-foot pole. As it was she was going to have to set fire to these gloves.

Thankfully most of the guys were out doing their jobs in the garage or sleeping off last night's drunk, which left the clubhouse pretty vacant. She started her third trash bag and let her mind wander to Jax. She was sure he was having just as miserable of a day, if not a worse one. It was never all that hot in northern California, but the afternoon sun in early May could make working outdoors a little less fun. Still, she couldn't help the fact that the idea of him hauling lumber was a surprising turn on. He was getting more and more cut by the day as his first prospect year was winding to a close and she was pretty sure he looked damn hot doing manual labor. She shook her head at how pathetically over the moon she was and went for trash bag number four.

Once the random garbage was picked up she set about actually cleaning. She polished the bar, getting the wood and brass as shiny as humanly possible before she started on the wood around the pool table. She cleaned the tabletops and the chairs, washed all of the windows to the chapel until they squeaked. The blinds were closed so she couldn't see in and the door was locked so she figured cleaning in there wasn't going to be part of the deal. She even went so far as to take all of the bottles off of the shelves behind he bar so they could be cleaned and put a few cases of beer into the fridge that she'd found in the kitchen area.

Finally deeming the place finished she went to get Gemma, realizing with shock as she walked into the office that is was nearly three o'clock.

Gemma took one look at the place and felt her jaw drop. "Sweet Jesus, I don't think I've ever seen this place so clean."

Tara stood with Gemma in the center of the room and put her hands in the pockets of her shorts as she looked around to survey her work and was proud at what she saw. The older woman looked down at her and smiled, her face proud and Tara couldn't help the pleasure she found in that. "You did real good sweetie. You've almost made this place respectable for our boys."

Just then Tig, Clay and Bobby burst through the doors, clapping each other on the backs and howling with laughter at an unheard joke and Gemma rolled her eyes. "Let's go."

Walking out to the parking lot, Tara followed Gemma to her car. When she got behind the wheel without saying anything Tara figured she must mean for her to get in too and she complied. "Where are we going?"

Gemma started the car and headed out of the lot. "Back to my place. I told you there was a big party at the clubhouse tonight. Bobby got off of probation today and we're in charge of food."

Tara's eyes widened. She'd seen parties at the clubhouse before, seen how many people turned up for these things. How she and Gemma were going to get food ready all by themselves was beyond her.

She wasn't perplexed for long however. Gemma's driveway was loaded with cars by the time they pulled onto their street. Some of them Tara recognized and some she didn't but from the cars she'd seen before it was pretty obvious that the "old ladies" had assembled. Conflicting emotions immediately arose in her as they parked out front and made their way inside, the cackle of laughter filling the air before Gemma'd even opened the front door. She was relieved that they would have some help with what still seemed like a monumental undertaking to Tara, but on the other hand she didn't know these women very well. Being with Jax hadn't translated into hanging out with the club much; they'd pretty much kept things separate on that front. She had no idea how they would treat the kid who was shacking up with the prince of their world but as she walked into the kitchen and saw the swarm of teased hair, cigarette smoke and activity she knew she was about to find out.

"Hey sweetie, we only just got started on the salad. You wanted that done first, right?"

Tara smiled at the genuine warmth that lit Luanne Delaney's face the minute she saw Gemma and felt some of her nerves dissipate. She didn't know the woman well, but of all the "old ladies" she'd always been the nicest. Tara knew she was a porn star, that she was working on building her own studio to make the movies herself, but something about that just sort of added to her allure. Tara had always been drawn to people that dared to do what she would never have the balls to do, people who lived by their own rules. Maybe it was a vicarious thing, but seeing Luanne smiling sweetly over at Gemma and knowing that she lived this whole other life was inexplicably fascinating.

"Yeah, that's fine. Tara and I will start getting the sandwich platters put together."

Tara watched, transfixed, as Gemma gave the rest of the girls some direction and then everyone started on their tasks. Gemma ruled the roost, without question. It was like watching a queen addressing her court. No one thought for even a second to go against her, to make an alternate suggestion or to disregard her words. Gemma gave the marching orders and the girls marched. Tara stayed right by her side, starting on the sub sandwiches that they were assembling and then slicing up to put on platters. It was both exhilarating and unnerving to realize that, in this room, she was on the right hand of royalty.

The mood was relaxed and celebratory as someone started up the stereo and a blender filled with margaritas roared to life. Gemma kicked her shoes off and lit a cigarette while the current Mrs. Munson sparked up something a little stronger and started it around.

"So Tara, do you have any big plans for the summer?" A girl with long, jet black hair, huge boobs and a skintight leopard print tank top asked her as she cut up fruit that was going into an enormous bowl. Tara briefly remembered seeing her dancing with Tig at Gemma and Clay's wedding reception but she couldn't remember her name.

"Not really. Probably try to find a summer job for some extra money, but nothing special."

The girl smiled with sincerity. "Cool. Maybe we'll see you around the clubhouse a little more."

Tara was taken aback, but not half as much as she was a split second later when the joint Bobby's wife had started reached Gemma. Tara watched as Gemma took a deep hit, slid her eyes over to Tara as she held it and then passed it to her as she let the musky smoke empty slowly back out of her lungs.

Tara took it between her index finger and thumb but kept her eyes on Gemma. Was this a test? Was she supposed to pass it or puff it? Panic began to thread through her limbs, rendering them immobile as she stared at Jax's mother.

Then, to Tara's astonishment, Gemma winked. "You're with the girls right now baby. What happens with the girls stays with the girls."

At that moment, everything suddenly made perfect sense in Tara's world. In one of those rare moments of clarity that people have only a handful of times in their lives, everything filtered down and then became stunningly clear. This was her family now too. They smiled when they saw her, asked about her summer, not because she was _Jax's _but because she was _theirs._ Simultaneous to this revelation, it suddenly hit Tara that there were crows everywhere. It might be on an arm or a breast or barely peaking out over the back of a pair of low slung jeans, but every girl here had the same crow emblazoned on their bodies, proudly showing their allegiance to their men and the club. But it was more than that. Each of them, by having that crow, showed allegiance to each other. No one else knew what it was like to love a man who wore the Reaper. The guys had their club, but here in Gemma's kitchen was another club and as they chopped vegetables and sliced up sub sandwiches, Tara had never felt more complete in her life. Her family had fallen apart when she was too young to understand what she'd even lost. Now, suddenly, she had it back. She took a puff of the joint and passed it as she and Gemma shared a conspiratorial look and then went back to prepping the subs.

Night was falling by the time the girls showed up to the clubhouse, their cars filled with food and their minds filled with weed, margaritas and the type of fun loving spirit that only hanging with the girls could provide.

As she got out of Gemma's car, Jax walked out of the clubhouse and smiled across the parking lot at her. Without a moment's hesitation she broke into a run and jumped into his arms. He caught her with a laugh and enthusiastically returned her kiss before she broke away to look into his face. "Hi hon, how was your day?"

Jax laughed, the irritation at having had to work at the yard all day melting away like a distant memory in the face of Tara's contagious good mood. "Something tells me I got the shit end of the punishment today. Is that margarita mix I taste?"

Tara nodded, her goofy smile telling him that she was happily buzzed and he snickered again. "Fuck, you're cute."

Letting her down he walked hand in hand with her back to Gemma's car and helped bring the food in, listening with surprise as she told him all about her duties as the clubhouse maid all the way to her aid in the food prep for the party. Something soft and warm flipped over in his heart at the thought that she'd had a hand in helping out with this, that she was an important part of this side of his life. His relationship with her had always been separate from Samcro. Knowing that Tara was the reason that the clubhouse looked so good and that she'd helped put the food together that he was currently helping lay out on the tables made him realize how much he'd wanted the two most important parts of his life to blend.

It didn't take long for the party to get under way and before long, Jax and Tara had found their way to a secluded corner. She sat in his lap and he pulled her close, nuzzling his face into her hair and not caring that his half drunk, totally love struck smile made him look like an ass. "I know it was a punishment and probably completely sucked for you, but I love that you helped my mom and the other girls with this."

Tara looked around and smiled. "It actually didn't suck at all. I don't know, it made me feel kind of proud I guess."

Jax pulled back and looked into her eyes, his expression curious. "How so?"

She shrugged one shoulder and smiled. "It's nice to be part of something. All the other women, they treated me like I belonged." Looking around she spied Luanne sitting on Otto's lap and Gemma putting out fresh chips.

Jax's eyes turned soft, his smile softer and he tucked a strand of her thick hair behind her ear. "That's because you do belong. You're with me, they all recognize it. You have a place here Tara. A family."

The word caused a small thrill to flutter through her chest and she looked around again. That was exactly what she'd thought, what she'd felt, earlier. It seemed to drive it home to hear Jax confirm it out loud. She tucked her head into his neck, loving the feelings of belonging and rightness that enveloped her just as his arms did. They were feelings that would stay with her long after the night ended.

With the weekend over, Tara kept her head down and tried to plow through her last week of school even though her brain was already on summer vacation. She'd barely studied for her finals, had spent the entirety of her spare time with Jax and so when the school counselor Mrs. Ackerman asked to see her before the end of the day on Friday Tara was pretty sure that she'd failed something. The idea made her sick. All she wanted was a summer vacation to spend with Jax, if she had to take summer school she thought she might actually throw up.

Tara walked into her office and the counselor gestured to the seat in front of her desk. "Have a seat Ms. Knowles, this will only take a second."

Tara sighed heavily and sat down. "What did I fail?"

Mrs. Ackerman's eyes narrowed in confusion. "I'm sorry?"

Now it was Tara's turn to be confused. "Why else would I be here?"

Reaching for a paper on the top of her desk, the counselor handed it over her. "I have your AP results Ms. Knowles. You scored high enough in math, science and English to take all of them through the advanced placement program next year."

Tara's eyes widened as she looked at her scores. She hadn't just scored highly enough to qualify, she'd killed it. She couldn't help the smile of pride that touched her lips as she saw how well she'd done, especially in science. She'd scored in the 90th percentile and she had barely tried, had only taken the tests because her teachers had signed her up to take them.

Mrs. Ackerman's voice broke into her thoughts and Tara put the paper back down, meeting the woman's gaze. "These advanced placement classes will transfer to any of the major universities. I know it's a year early, but have you thought about where you'd like to go?"

Tara shrugged a shoulder. "I don't think I'm going to college."

Mrs. Ackerman shook her head, a look of sad wisdom in her eyes and Tara suddenly found herself unable to gaze into their disappointment. "Ms. Knowles, you're a very bright young girl. A college education would open many doors for a wonderful future. Is there something you'd like to be? A vocation that appeals to you?"

For just a moment, just a fleeting second, she let herself imagine walking across the stage to get a medical degree. She'd never told anyone, had never even really wanted to admit it to herself, but she'd always had a private fantasy of being a doctor. She'd pictured herself with the white coat and a stethoscope around her neck so many times that the image sprang to her mind as she sat in the guidance counselor's office, filling her with a tiny tug of longing. But it wasn't in the cards for her, it really never had been and it especially couldn't be now.

"I'm pretty sure my father doesn't have any kind of college fund set up for me. I don't know that there is a vocation in my future that doesn't involve Charming."

Mrs. Ackerman's lips set in a firm line. She knew Tara, everyone did. It was no secret to the town and its occupants that this smart, quiet girl was inextricably linked to Jackson Teller. Tara's bluster about college funds was as transparent to her as glass, she knew exactly why Tara was hesitant to leave Charming. It was all the more reason she and everyone else who had a vested interest in this girl's future wanted nothing more than to see her gone.

Leaning across her desk, she abandoned all pretense of aloofness and looked directly into Tara's eyes. "You have one month left Tara. One month and then you're a senior. In your case that means college credit courses and then the SAT's. I know you have a lot of distractions, I get that you have a loyalty to this boy, but Tara with a good score on the SAT you could qualify for scholarship money."

Tara returned her gaze for just a moment before she nodded in understanding. "I'll take it under advisment."

She stood to leave, folding her test scores neatly as she walked from the office to avoid the nearly desperate look in the counselor's eyes and made her way to her car. Her thoughts were a blur of scholarships and medical schools and Jax. She pictured herself walking on some nameless campus, her backpack slung over her shoulder as she went to some pre med class. She could live in a dorm and stay up late studying while she drank coffee in the student union. She pictured herself going to football games and parties with people who shared her interest, people who carried around thick books and wanted to be doctors too. Then she pictured herself just a few days before, sitting on Jax's lap at the clubhouse with people all around her that cared for her, accepted her. They were her family and going to college meant giving all of that up, taking their loyalty and throwing it away for over privileged co-eds and kegers. She pictured the way Jax looked at her, the way his eyes bored into hers when they were alone and in each other's arms. He was a part of her, being without him would be like being without half of herself. She was certain she couldn't survive that. Would she?

Her breath kicked up in her chest and the crushing realization hit her that there was a future to consider and that future would mean choices would have to be made. Would she stay in Charming? She never thought she would, had always pictured herself leaving the minute her diploma was in her hand before Jax Teller's place in her life had become so important. If she left, would he leave with her? He wasn't just a Samcro prospect. Jackson Teller WAS Samcro. It was his birthright. Leaving Charming would be out of the question for him, which meant that Tara had to choose between Jax and college. Two completely distinct and separate futures. Two roads.

_I've told you before, you need to steer clear of Samcro Tara. That's a road you can't come back from once you go down it_.

Her father's words flared back to life in her brain and before she realized it, her car was aiming itself toward town. Somehow she wished that she'd never gotten the news, never been told that there was a chance for her to go to college, to be something. She knew her dad couldn't afford it so somewhere in the back of her mind she'd always assumed that it wasn't even on the table no matter how smart she was. Now that the scholarship idea was planted, she was going to have to either kill it at the roots or go with it and risk the boy who she was daily starting to think of as a soul mate and the family that he'd shared with her.

She pulled into a parking spot and put her head down on the steering wheel. What the hell was she going to do? This morning the only thoughts she had about the future were the beginning of summer and the party in the woods that always capped the school year. Now she was suddenly supposed to choose between becoming something, becoming a doctor, and the boy who held her whole heart? She couldn't do it, couldn't think about it and she realized, as hokey as it was, she needed a sign.

Lifting her head from the steering wheel she looked up at the storefronts she'd blindly parked in front of and felt a chill run through her body. She hadn't consciously driven here, and yet she was parked in front of the very place that she'd been thinking of going to ever since she'd helped the girls prep the food for the party a week ago. If that wasn't a sign she didn't know what was and she felt a calm wash over her. Her mind might be racing with what ifs, but her heart knew exactly what she was going to do and she pushed college out of her mind. She loved Jackson Teller, utterly and completely. Her place, wherever that may be in whatever form the future would take, was with him.

Turning off the ignition she stepped out of the car and walked into Charming Tattoo Co.


	19. Chapter 19

**Wow guys, thank you for the kind words and for sticking with this story! It means a lot to me that you're enjoying it and I hope you continue to. On to the next.**

They lay in shock, staring into each other's eyes as they fought to catch their breath. He was still inside of her, still connected to her body and soul, but the disbelief coursing through him was palpable.

_Is this really fucking happening?_

His mind couldn't wrap around the preceding hour, couldn't come to any kind of logical explanation for the trajectory his life had taken. One minute he was steeling himself to say goodbye to her, the next he found himself staring breathlessly into her eyes, seeing shock deep in their depths that mirrored his own.

"Jax-"

His name came out on a shaky breath and then her eyes filled again, breaking him out of his trance. He moved off of her and sat up, pulling her with him until he held her against his bare chest and rocked her, careful to keep their backs to the bathroom.

"Shh, it's okay. It's gonna be okay."

He could feel the hot wet heat from her tears on his chest and then felt her head begin to push against the soothing hand he was stroking her hair with, felt her try to turn to look at Kohn. He wouldn't let her, placing kisses on her forehead to calm her as he held her head against him. "Don't look. Please babe, don't look."

Sliding off of the bed on the opposite side from the bathroom, he pulled her gently until she was in a sitting position with her feet off of the side. Working quickly, he walked around to where they'd discarded their clothes and gathered them up, grateful as he glanced over to Tara that she was heeding his advice and keeping her back to the nightmare in her room.

It was good advice. Advice that he didn't have the luxury of heeding himself and he glanced down at Kohn's body while he slipped his boxers and jeans back on, the sick fuck's skin already going colorless in a pool of blood congealing on the cheap linoleum of Richard Knowles master bathroom. He turned his head away and walked back to where Tara sat, holding her clothes and his sweatshirt out for her to take. "Come on babe, I'll take care of this."

She took the clothes and allowed herself to be led in a shocked stupor to the couch. "Stay out here. You're safe now, just try to lie down and get some rest. Please Tara." She felt herself vaguely nodding her head and her haunted expression tore his already raw insides to shreds. This guy couldn't continue to terrorize her even after death. Jax wouldn't fucking allow it.

Placing a soft, sweet kiss to the top of her head he turned to walk through the kitchen into the garage.

She watched him disappear, could hear him rummaging around and realized through her fog that he was looking for something to wrap Josh in. She didn't want to see it. Didn't want to know what the final shroud would look like. She didn't know what to do, where to go, in her own house. It was defiled, haunted with the specter of madness and murder and all she wanted to do was get the hell out but she was trapped. Trapped with the truth of what she'd done and she'd trapped Jax right along with her. Coming to her feet she walked blindly toward the hallway, her legs carrying her almost on automatic to her childhood bedroom.

It was less cluttered then it had been, less musty, after she'd worked in here off and on over her days off and she sat on the bed. She put on her underwear and then his sweatshirt, feeling yet another impossible wave of grief and emotion assail her as the smell of him enveloped her. So comforting, so strong and familiar. So Jax. She could still taste him, still feel her skin buzzing from touching his and it filled her with contentment and guilt, passion and pain. Being with him again had put electricity through her entire system. It was like she was in a nightmare where she was drowning and the only thing holding her head above water was him. But he hadn't thrown her a lifeline or made the nightmare go away. Instead, he'd jumped in with her and now they were going to have to figure out how to get out of it together.

Jax found what he was looking for and walked back into the house, glancing around to see where Tara went and furrowing his brow slightly when he didn't see her. He knew she was shaken up. So was he. As he walked back into the bedroom and laid out the tarp he'd found next to Kohn with his gloved hands he couldn't tell which part of this was rocking him worse. The fact that he'd shoved a gun in an unarmed federal agent's face and pulled the trigger, or the fact that it hadn't come with the sense of foreboding that he'd grown accustomed to since Abel's birth. He hadn't analyzed it to death, hadn't thought it through from every angle. He'd seen a threat and he'd neutralized it on a wave of pure, animal instinct.

The apprehension surrounding violence, around spilling unnecessary blood that he'd worked with all these months, fought the club over and alienated both Tig and Clay with was gone. It was as if he'd been walking a tightrope and on each side was a chasm of right and one of wrong. He'd been so afraid of falling onto the wrong side, that if he did maybe more bad shit would happen to him or his family. Call it karma, call it fate, he didn't know. But now that he'd fallen in, had plowed in head first, it was like the pressure was off. It was out of his hands now, out of his control. The idea scared him shitless.

Pushing it to the back of his mind, he rolled the body onto the tarp and wrapped it up, securing it with the twine he'd found until it was a compact bundle. Kneeling down he let himself stare for a minute at the lifeless pile of plastic on the floor. This guy would have killed Tara; Jax didn't question it for a second. He was so crazy, so out of his head, that he didn't throw away his career, his freedom and eventually his life on the pretext that she would have actually come running back into his arms. He came here because if she wasn't with him, he didn't want her anywhere and as he stared at the result of that insanity, Jax knew he would always understand why she'd come running back. It wasn't because she knew he would do her dirty work, would be her henchman. She saw her death in Kohn's eyes and her salvation in his own. There was something about that fact, that simple truth, that would stay in his heart forever.

Standing up, he hoisted him up and onto his shoulder, a sheen of sweat dusting his forehead as he struggled with the dead weight all the way back out to the garage where he'd left the trunk to the Cutlass popped. He dumped the body and slammed the trunk closed over top of it before peeling his gloves off and throwing them onto the passenger seat through the open window. He'd need those again pretty soon but now it was on to the clean up.

Thirty minutes later, his nose and hands burning from the fumes of bleach, Jax dumped the contents of the bucket down the drain and threw the scrub brush away. It wasn't a perfect job, wouldn't pass through a forensics lab for even two seconds but it was going to be light pretty soon, he needed to dump Kohn's body before the denizen's of Charming started to stir and he hadn't seen hide nor hair of Tara in an hour. At least it was clean enough so that she wouldn't have to see any evidence of what had happened but her absence brought simultaneous relief and apprehension.

Exhausted, he stood to stretch his muscles and then grabbed his undershirt from the floor to throw on as he walked out into the hallway in search of her. She wasn't in the family room and she wasn't in the kitchen. He made his way down the hall and paused for just a moment before he slowly pushed her bedroom door open.

It was like a time warp, causing memories to flood him so fast that he had to lean against the doorframe for a second. She sat in the middle of the bed, his sweatshirt engulfing her tiny frame as she stared at him with wide, frightened eyes. Everything was the same, her bed, her curtains. He had to fight the urge to quickly and quietly shut the door behind him for fear that her father would wake up from where he'd passed out on the couch and discover him. It was staggering to him, as they stared at each other in this space that had occupied so many of their shared intimate memories, that he could feel the same love for her even when every single thing about their story had changed.

"Where is he?"

The sound of her voice brought him back to the present and he pushed away from the doorframe to walk toward her. "I have to take the Cutlass for a bit. I want you to try and get some sleep."

A cross between a snort of derision and a sob burst quietly from her lips and she rolled her watery eyes toward the ceiling. "Yeah. Sleep."

Taking the last steps between her and the bed, he sat down and reached out to run his hands up and down her arms. "Everything is gonna be okay Tara. He won't be able to hurt you anymore. I promise."

She looked into his earnest blue eyes and found herself reaching up to brush her knuckles softly down his cheek. She knew what he was saying, knew that he meant that they would basically get away with murder. She knew he was trying to make her feel better by saying it but it didn't. The guilt and fear was so intense it was palpable. They might not get caught, but if it meant she would have to live with this feeling for the rest of her life it might be worse if they didn't. She felt like she'd been damned.

And to complicate things even more, she watched as he let his eyes flutter closed at the touch of her hand against his face and felt her traitor heart skip in her chest. The very thing that was currently plaguing her was also causing a well of crazy emotions to course through her at such lightening speed that she could barely identify them all. He'd saved her, done what he felt needed to be done and taken Kohn out. He'd thrown himself between her and the speeding bullet without a second's hesitation. She couldn't hold onto a single thought, a single emotion, amidst the onslaught long enough to be able to get a grip on how it all made her feel. Thankfully, she was too exhausted to try.

Leaning in, he placed a light kiss to the tip of her nose and got up, walking through the silent house and out to the Cutlass. He was losing the advantage of darkness quickly and as he angled the old car out toward the edge of town he realized he might have to dump Kohn now and then come back later to finish ridding the world of the son of a bitch. It wasn't ideal, but it was far better than lighting a human bonfire just as the morning commuters would be out.

Pulling off of the road, he drove the Cutlass in away from the notice of any potential passing cars toward a secluded spot he had in mind. Unbidden, his thoughts melted to Tara, to what they'd done and he realized through his exhaustion that his body was still humming. Try as he might, he couldn't explain to himself why they'd fallen together the way they had except for sheer need. They'd both been scared, both pushed to their limits and they'd needed solace. Needed each other. The horror of the situation had ripped their defenses down and there was simply no way for them to keep their shared desire at bay any longer without them. His mind replayed her eyes as he'd slipped inside of her, tortured his ears again with the sound of his name, low and desperate coming from the warm heaven of her mouth.

_Jackson. Oh god, Jax…_

Pulling the Cutlass into a wooded area he cut the ignition and sat in the silence. It had been so long. So long since he'd felt the way she made him feel and the fact that it was compounded with so much chaos only filled his head more. On every level he wanted to utter the words "what have I done?" but couldn't form them. How could he when everything in his heart was screaming at him that he'd done the right thing? That making love to her was exactly what he should have done? He knew only time would tell if, given the chance, he would go back and do this whole night differently but at the moment, his answer to that changed by the second and if he didn't stop thinking about it he was going to snap. Getting out of the car he looked up at the sky growing pink on the horizon and hesitated only a moment as he popped the trunk and looked down at the lifeless form inside, the plastic of the tarp obscuring his features but not hiding the bloody gore of his forehead. He'd done that. He'd done all of this.

Picking Kohn up, Jax pushed the thoughts out of his head and dumped him just past a swell in the ground, taking one last look before he turned to make his way back to the Cutlass. He was definitely going to have to come back later to finish this. God, he didn't want to.

He drove back to Tara's, the silence around him doing nothing to quiet the screaming noise in his head. Killing a federal agent, an unarmed one in cold blood, was just the type of thing he would have tried to talk Tig down from only a matter of hours ago. He would have tried to come up with another way, tried to point out the kind of heat that could bring down on the club if it went sideways. Tig was a mercenary. A dirty outlaw with a violent mind, but there was one thing he loved with all his heart and that was Samcro. When it came to protecting what he loved, there was no act too bloody. It took Kohn to make Jax understand that, understand the absence of hesitation and planning that came from being put in the position of protecting the thing that consumed you so much, so completely, that it was one with you. Maybe it was the adrenaline or maybe it was the exhaustion but instead of feeling more understanding for Tig, Jax just felt angrier with him. The fact that Tig could embrace this, could relish it, at the moment just pissed him off.

He parked the car and walked inside the house, heard the shower running and made his way to the hall bathroom. Tara had left the door open and he walked inside, seeing her through the shower door as she stood motionless under the spray. Her hair hung in a dark sheet over her shoulders as rivulets of water made their way over her body, turning this way and that as they would hit a dip or a curve. For just a moment he could do nothing but stand and stare, letting his eyes look fully at the woman she'd become. She was beautiful, more beautiful than he could have ever dreamed her had he the best imagination in the world. The idea of the woman she would become was such a pathetic comparison to the reality standing in the shower in front of him that he almost chuckled.

He'd watched silently but she opened her eyes and gazed toward him as if she'd sensed he was there. For a moment they stood there, staring into each other's eyes and then he felt himself moving toward her as if he was pulled in by a force beyond his abilities to fight, felt himself strip the spare sweatshirt and beanie he'd found in his saddlebag over his head. He deftly undid the button of his pants and let them fall to the ground just as he reached the shower. Stepping in, he let the hot water assault his chilled skin as he reached for her, pulling her to him and holding onto her for dear life.

They stood under the spray, clinging to each other for comfort until the water began to cool and she pulled away slightly to look into his face.

"Is this real?"

He knew her question was loaded, knew she wasn't just talking about Kohn. "It's going to be okay Tara. I promise."

She looked so lost, so fragile, that the idea of leaving her was unthinkable and yet he feared he'd already doomed Cameron by waiting as long as he had to get him the supplies he'd come for in the first place. It had only been a matter of hours but it felt like it had been weeks and weeks.

"I have to take those medical supplies to the clubhouse. You gonna be okay for awhile?"

Tara nodded her head, almost imperceptibly tightening her hold on him at the thought of being alone in this house. It suddenly felt full of ghosts. "I'll be fine. I'm gonna take a sick day, try to get some rest."

Jax stared at the dark smudges under her eyes and wondered silently to himself when the last good night sleep she'd had was. "Good. I'll check in on you as soon as I can. You shouldn't be alone tonight."

She forced a wan smile. "I'll play it by ear."

Nodding, he stared down into her eyes for another second before he dipped his head to brush a kiss over her mouth and then did a quick rinse before stepping out of the shower. He was dead on his feet, but he had miles to go before he could rest and he just wanted to get today over with so he could move on. He knew it would just take one step at a time as he dried off under her watchful gaze and put his clothes back on, but they seemed like pretty enormous steps at the moment.

He was halfway to his bike when Gemma's Caddy cruised into the driveway, followed by Tig and his heart sank to his stomach. He knew he'd fucked up big time by not letting someone know why he'd never shown up with the supplies for Cameron but he'd been just a little preoccupied and now this was the last thing he needed in the world.

No sooner had his mother thrown the car into park was she out and walking toward him with relief oozing from her entire body. "Jesus Christ, you scared the shit out of me." Throwing her arms around him he hugged her back, sorry he had worried her. Sorrier that she would never be able to understand why. "Where you been?"

Jax pulled back a little to look at her face, weariness for the fight he knew was coming etching every feature in it. "Sorry, I got caught up."

As if on cue, Gemma looked at his hair, still damp from his shower, and reached up to take a strand of it in her fingers. "You've been here? This whole time."

He knew he couldn't tell her what had happened, couldn't give her the explanation of what he'd been through over the last few hours. Instead, he bored his eyes into hers, begging her to understand that it wasn't what she thought as he nodded his head.

"We've been waiting for those medical supplies, man."

The disbelief and disappointment in Tig's voice twisted the knife. "I know."

In her irritation Gemma missed all of Jax's attempts at silent communication and her tone grew exasperated. "That's it? _You know?_ Someone tries to kill Clay and you decide it's a good time to get laid?"

She had every right to be annoyed considering what this all looked like but it made him weary down to his bones anyway. The only thing he was going to be able to do was take his lumps for a crime he didn't commit, at least not the way the two people currently staring in disbelief at him thought he did. "It's not like that mom."

Gemma's irritation quickly melted to anger and her mouth set in a grim line. "If you wanna resurrect old trauma with this bitch, you do it on your own goddamn time."

He nodded his head, grateful that it appeared round one was over for the moment and he headed toward his bike. All he wanted to do was get the shit that Chibs needed for Cameron back to the clubhouse and then collapse in the apartment for a few hours.

He hadn't taken two steps toward his bike, however, before Gemma stormed toward the front door and he realized round one might have a few seconds left before the bell. If the last thing he needed was catching hell for disappearing on everyone to allegedly bang his ex, Gemma bum rushing Tara in her current state was beyond the last thing _she_ needed.

"She's not there. Don't go looking for her either."

Gemma wasn't listening, her eyes laser focused on the front door and his protective instincts flared. "Mom!"

Whirling incredulously around on the porch at the sound of his angry shout she stared at him in disbelief. He was the one that left his brothers high and dry to push up on the poisonous little whore that Gemma _knew_ was just beyond that door and she was the one getting shouted at?

"Leave her alone." Jax narrowed his eyes, his words coming out measured and sure. This wasn't a request. It was an order.

Tara stepped quietly over to the front window and peered through the thinnest separation of the curtains, seeing pretty quickly that Gemma and Tig were here and none to pleased with Jax from the sounds of angry voices that had drawn her to the window in the first place. She watched as Tig put his foot on Jax's bike and her breath caught in her throat at the obvious challenge it symbolized. Guilt, hot and sickening coursed her way through her system at the wreckage she'd caused on all fronts. Because of her there was a man dead, another one clinging to life and waiting for supplies that never came, mistrust on all counts aimed toward Jax and a transfer of her burden squarely onto his shoulders.

Jax's engine roared to life and Tara continued to watch as Gemma looked back toward the front door, obviously still contemplating coming in. Tig approached her and guided her away, clearly deciding that his issue was with Jax and to leave her, thankfully, out of it. She was silently grateful as she backed away from the window and made her way toward the master bathroom. She couldn't have handled Gemma right now on any level. They were enemies now but she'd thought of her as a mother of sorts at one time in her life. She couldn't deny that they had a bond, no matter how much both of them would love to eradicate it, which meant that Gemma would be able to see right through her in an instant. She would have to make sure that she had her shit completely together before she went any rounds with her.

Stepping into the bathroom she crossed to the sink and started brushing her teeth, looking up into the mirror at herself. She looked tired, thoroughly spent, but like her normal self in every other regard. It was as if she hadn't caused a man's death and brought chaos down around her hometown. Glancing over to the tile in the doorway, a dark spot caught her eye and she realized it was a smear of blood that Jax had missed.

Her stomach heaved and the guilt, fear, uncertainty, hurt and shock squeezed her guts as she threw up, barely making it to the toilet. She couldn't be here. Couldn't spend another second in this house.

Rushing from the room, she threw on jeans and a shirt and put her damp hair in a messy bun. She barely remembered to grab her bag, practically running for the front door and the safety of her Cutlass. Briefly her mind flashed to the trunk, knew that was where Jax had to have put Kohn in order to do whatever he'd done with him and her stomach heaved again. She pushed the thought out of her mind, started the car and pulled blindly away to drive to the hospital. She had to get her mind off of it. Off of everything.

The scene at the clubhouse was just as Jax had feared, Chibs was out of his depth with Cameron and the Irishman had only gotten worse in the time that Jax had been waylaid. As he got onto his bike to head for Tara's house he couldn't remember a time when tensions were this high since his dad had died. Charters were coming in from three states, everyone was on lockdown and suspicion was rampant. And that was just the club shit. The strangeness of Tara coming back into his life now, at this moment, wasn't lost on him. He'd fallen in love with her during that tumultuous time years ago and she was back now that shit had gone sideways again. It had to mean something, he just couldn't see what yet.

Jax pulled out of Teller Morrow, Opie by his side at his mother's insistence that he not ride alone, and his mind replayed the scene he'd just witnessed between his best friend and Donna. He'd known both of them a long time and knew when they'd made their minds up. Problem was, Donna had made her mind up to leave and Opie had made his mind up to stay. Jax had always looked at them as an example that shit could actually work out. Having him ride at his side was a kind of comfort that he desperately needed at the moment, but having it at the cost of that connection made Jax sick.

Pulling up in front of Tara's he stopped his bike and looked in confusion at the empty driveway. He and Opie cut their engines and Jax took out his phone to call her.

"Hello?"

Relief flooded him at the sound of her voice and only then did he realize that the absence of the Cutlass in her driveway had started a spark of panic deep within him that she'd split. He knew what it was like to wake up one morning and find her gone. If that happened again, especially after everything that had just happened between them, he was pretty sure it would fucking kill him.

"Hey. I'm at your place."

"I'm at the hospital. Is everything okay?"

He could hear her trying to keep the edge of fear out of her voice and he spoke quickly to keep her calm. "Everything's fine, I just need to ask you for a favor. I'll be there in a minute."

He could practically hear the breath she'd been holding release before she said all right and disconnected the call.

"Everything straight between you two?"

Jax looked up at Opie and realized that he'd been staring down at his phone since she'd hung up, his mind twisted up in her bed sheets with a dead ATF agent lying on the floor.

"Yeah."

Opie's eyes narrowed but he stayed, thankfully, silent. He knew something was up but had enough on his own plate to make him less than enthusiastic to start digging around in his best friend's shit.

The ride to St. Thomas was short and Jax had Opie wait outside, saying he'd probably have an easier time convincing her to help if he went alone. Again, Opie didn't argue and Jax made his way toward the NICU, his heart slowly starting to speed as he got nearer and nearer to her.

She looked exhausted when he walked in, her hair pulled back from a pale face and he had to fight with himself not to gather her up and force her from the room and into a cot somewhere to sleep. He hated that he had to ask her for a favor now, while he knew that she was so fragile, but it couldn't be helped.

Walking over, he looked down at Abel. "How's he doing?"

A tender smile softened the hard lines of worry in her face. "Good. He's a strong willed little guy."

He looked back up at her, touched by the love she obviously had for his son. "Thought you were gonna take a personal day?"

The softness that Abel had brought to her face melted away into an exhausted expression as she thought of the blood on her bathroom floor for the thousandth time that morning. "I tried to. I had to get out of there, you know? It's a light day."

The reassurance of her words didn't meet her eyes as he analyzed every minute detail of her face. "You okay?"

She shook her head. "I don't know."

He watched as she crossed the room to pump hand sanitizer unnecessarily onto her hands. She was creating distance from him and the panic that had risen in him at the sight of her missing car sparked up again as she looked at him with guarded eyes. "What did you do with him?"

He shook his head and walked toward her, closing the gap. He wouldn't let her shut him out. Not again. "It's done."

Her voice was soft when she answered him. "What did we do?"

Leaning against the opposite side of the doorway that she was standing in he rubbed his hands wearily over his face and then met her eyes. "When Kohn showed up in Charming he knew this could only end one of two ways. Either him dead or you dead." He pinned her eyes, his own filled with intensity at the strength of his conviction. "It ended the right way."

She rolled her eyes slightly, her walls crumbled all around her and in no hope of being put back up. "Maybe I came back here knowing the same thing."

Jax stared at her, the admission in her words to the suspicions he'd held riveting him to her face. So it was true. She'd come back because she knew he would protect her. He'd known it, but hearing her say it was another thing entirely. Then, her eyes filled with tears and he knew that his analysis of why had been dead on as she continued. "This was the only place I felt safe."

He nodded his head in perfect understanding. "It was survival. You did what you had to do."

Instead of finding comfort in his understanding however, his words seemed to irritate her. "Is that how this works? You make up your own moral code for everything?"

He knew her words were coming from a place of guilt, from a need to project her anger and fear outside of herself so they couldn't eat her alive anymore but they still felt like a punch in his gut and he looked imploringly at her, his eyes wide with a need for her to understand. When he spoke, his voice sounded afraid, almost childlike. "I never killed anyone like this before Tara. I don't know what the code is."

If she could have snatched the words back up and swallowed them she would have. She'd been so caught up in her own part in this that she'd completely disregarded how this could be impacting him. He'd done what he'd done so instantly, so swiftly, that she'd never stopped to consider that this was hurting him too. But here he was, his eyes filled with naked vulnerability and she realized that he was struggling with this. Another nail went straight and true into her coffin of guilt as she realized that he hadn't merely killed. He'd killed for _her._

"I'm sorry."

The contrition in her tone acted as a balm and he forgave her swipe instantaneously, his need for her comfort overriding any other emotion and he looked over at Abel. "I've been waking up every day since he was born with a sick feeling, wondering who was gonna die today and it scares the shit out of me. And then I woke up this morning and it was gone. I think that scares me more."

She could hear him trying to keep the grief and fear from his voice but he was failing, triggering every instinct she had inside of her to comfort him. "Hey, you're in shock."

He didn't know what it was about her that made him able to show the emotions he could barely even express when he was alone but he looked down at his feet, a lump forming in his throat. "I don't think anything could shock me anymore."

She moved a step closer, closing the distance between them. "What do you want me to do? How can I help you?"

Her eyes and her voice burned with the sincerity that she felt and he couldn't stop himself, lacked the self preservation, to play down how badly he needed her, how terrified he was that she would disappear. "Don't go anywhere."

And just like that, she saw a picture of what her departure from his life a decade ago had done to him. She'd left him when she'd sworn she never would and now, when he needed her, he didn't trust that she wouldn't do it again. I look of resolve crept into her eyes to prove to him how much he could trust her and she met his wide, vulnerable stare with it. "I'm not."

The lump was still in his throat, leaving him only able to nod in response for a moment as he grappled with his composure. After a minute her quiet strength helped him center again and he got to the reason he'd come.

"I need you to come to the clubhouse with me. Those medical supplies I needed? Bullet wounds. The guy's got a bad infection, we're gonna lose him."

She nodded her head, knowing there wasn't a thing on earth at the moment that she would deny this man. "I'll borrow some things."

They rode to the clubhouse in silence, the feel of her arms around him providing more comfort than either of them could have predicted, so much so that he hated having to cut the engine and go inside once they reached the clubhouse.

As she went into the chapel to save Cameron, Jax went back to the apartment and collapsed into a chair to wait. He didn't want to crowd her, but more importantly he needed some distance. Distance from his mother and the suspicious, betrayed looks his brothers were shooting his way. Mostly though, he needed distance from blood. Picking up his dad's manuscript, he thumbed through to a passage he'd read the day before.

_I never made a conscious decision to have the club become one thing or another. It just happened before my eyes. Each savage event was a catalyst for the next and by the time the violence reached epic proportion I couldn't see it. Blood was every color. _

The words floated through his mind as he took Tara back to the hospital. Every slight, every misstep was answered with an equal or greater response until all Jax could see anymore was blood and pain, violence and retaliation. He lived a life that demanded a pound of flesh. It was inevitable that one day that pound of flesh would be exacted from him. It was the way his world worked. The way, as much as he wanted to fight it, he was coming to realize that he worked.

Stopping at the ER entrance, she climbed off of the bike and stood next to him for a second. Saving Cameron had seemed to momentarily rejuvenate her. The color was back in her cheeks somewhat and the soft smile on her lips made it to her eyes. They were still a bit sunken and heavily shadowed underneath though and Jax couldn't resist reaching up to brush an errant lock of hair tenderly away from her face. "I meant it when I said you shouldn't be alone tonight babe."

He could tell she didn't want to but she grudgingly nodded anyway. "I can't go back there. Not tonight."

Meeting her eyes, he stared at her imploringly. "Come to the clubhouse after work. Please."

It was the "please" that undid her and she nodded her head, unable to contain a smile at the pleasure her response caused in his eyes. Reaching out to her, he squeezed her hand and then pulled away to head back to Teller Morrow.

The rest of the day was long and Jax could barely concentrate with all of the curveballs being lobbed at him. Clay seemed to be talking out of both sides of his mouth with this Alvarez deal. Everyone was on board with a truce that would lead to an end of the violence, but that beef had been going on from the beginning of both clubs and Jax knew one little prison yard talk didn't suddenly quash it. He knew Clay too well to believe that was the end of it.

The more pressing issue was the desperation Jax was seeing in Ope. Privately, Samcro was going to settle their score with Brennan Hefner for killing McKeavey. A month of free guns and a return of their 200k as payment for taking the port commissioner out was great for their bottom line, but it was also payback. Tig barely hid his approval when Jax agreed without hesitation, a fact that Jax barely noticed due to his preoccupation with Opie's insistence on being the angel of mayhem. He was just getting back in, facing the loss of his family as a result, and he wasn't thinking straight. Jax wanted to tell him to back down, tell him that stone cold murder wasn't in his blood, but he couldn't do it. Not without telling his best friend why he knew.

Across the parking lot, Jax saw Tara making her way toward him as he sat on the picnic table out front with his brothers, a tentative smile on her lips and his heart skipped an actual fucking beat. Jesus, he'd needed to see her. All day he'd felt like he was stretched so thin he would snap. All he could see through everything else he was dealing with was Kohn. If it was quiet for even a second he could hear the gunshot, Tara's panicked screams. The sound of plastic crinkling as he wrapped it around the body.

To confuse shit worse, the images in his constantly spinning mind were intermixed with the flush of her skin just before he made her come, the pounding of the pulse point in her neck as she arched it back in ecstasy. The feeling of her hips rocking against his in a rhythm that had always been theirs. He didn't know the human mind could spin from terror to guilt to need to satisfaction to apprehension so fast and so often in the same day and he was starting to feel like he was losing his shit.

But then she'd walked onto the lot and everything else melted away. She was here and that was all he needed. Standing up from the table he walked over to her, taking her wordlessly by the hand to lead her inside. Neither of them had slept and she looked as tired as he felt. Relief flooded her as she followed him through the clubhouse and she realized he was taking her to the back apartment.

He closed the door behind them and watched her as she walked to the center of the room and looked around. Seeing her here again after all these years caused a soft smile to bloom on his lips and he made his way over to her, running his hands up and down her arms. "How you holding up?"

She shrugged a shoulder with a wan smile and a shake of her head. "How are you?"

It was his turn to shake his head and they looked at each other for a moment, understanding passing between them. Breaking away, he walked over to the dresser to pull one of his SOA t-shirts out for her. "Let's get some rest. We'll deal with this better in the morning."

She took the shirt gratefully and he watched her walk into the bathroom and shut the door behind her before he sank wearily to the end of the bed, kicking his shoes off. All day he'd felt wired, exhausted and out of sorts. Now, with her here, he felt balanced again. She was terrified and in way over her head so he couldn't explain why he was able to draw strength from her, but that was exactly what her presence did. It made him strong, made him feel like he could tackle the impossible shit. It always had and for a fleeting moment he realized that maybe his life had taken on the form it was currently in because he'd lost the rock she'd represented in his life.

He stripped slowly down to his boxers and crawled beneath the covers, his body immediately sinking into the bed with relief. He was tired to his bones and sure that the minute that Tara came out of that bathroom and joined him they'd both be unconscious within seconds.

And then she appeared in the doorway wearing nothing but his t-shirt and a sweet smile touched his lips. The shirt hung on her like a garbage bag, coming down almost to mid thigh, laying shapelessly over her curves and he knew he'd never seen any woman look more adorable.

"That's a good look for you."

Tara glanced down with a good-natured smile at her makeshift pajamas. "Mmm, you think?"

Walking to the bed, she climbed in beside him and he pulled her into his arms, immediately running his hands over her shoulders and arms in an attempt to soothe the tension he could still sense through her fatigue. To his mild surprise, all his ministrations did was spark a light of desire low in his belly, one that was only being fanned by the light touch of her hand on his chest as she nuzzled him.

As if she could sense the direction his thoughts had taken she lifted her head up to gaze into his eyes, seeing the love and desire in them. Gently, he took her hand in his, intertwining their fingers as his need for her built. But this time, it wasn't like last night. There was no detonation of passion, no sudden burst of need so great that they couldn't get their clothes off fast enough. This was a slow simmer, an anticipation building from the feel of her in his arms, the sensation of her hand in his.

"Are we crazy?"

Jax wanted to laugh, mostly because he'd been wondering the same thing since last night. Hell, he'd wondered about their sanity in relation to each other on more occasions than this, last night was just the most recent. One thing he knew was that he didn't have an answer to the question then and he most certainly didn't have one now. "I'll answer that later."

She nodded and kissed him back when he pressed his lips gently to hers, welcomed the strong, solid feel of him as he rolled over top of her. She wanted him to completely engulf her, to cover her with himself until he blotted out the world and all that was left was him. She was 17 again and in love and she didn't give a shit that reality was currently way more complicated and fucked up than that. In this moment, that was how she felt and she didn't have the strength or the desire to fight it.

They made love quietly but no less passionately than they had last night. The difference was desperation had been replaced with tenderness, fear with affection. They were still in each other's arms for comfort, for closeness in the face of incredible circumstances, but there was also a feeling of wanting to share themselves again. Wanting to feel connected at every primal level to another human. Neither of them had known that feeling with anyone else but the other and neither of them were ready to say goodbye to it again. At least, not just yet.

Tara fell asleep in his arms, cuddled up to his chest the way she'd used to and her body had simply gone into hibernation. The months of interrupted sleep and stress filled days had melted away and she'd crashed like the dead, not even waking when his alarm went off to tell him it was time to meet Opie and Bobby in the garage for the trip to Oakland.

When she finally woke up, it took her a second to figure out where she was. For just a fleeting moment, she really was a kid again who'd crashed at the clubhouse with her boyfriend. There was no dead ex, no 10 year chasm between she and the man who was very clearly shaping up to be the love of her life. Looking over to his pillow she saw a note and a smile touched her lips. He'd always left a note when he left while she was still sleeping. It was sweet to see that some things hadn't changed.

_Have a run to make today. Might not be back until late. Stay with me again tonight._

_Jax_

For just another minute she let the warmth of his words wash over her, let the certainty that he needed her, wanted her, settle over her heart. Then reality sank in and she swung her legs over the side of the bed. Oh how she wished, some days, that she could turn back the clock to a time when sweet words weren't loaded on all sides with complications, over-analyzations and varied consequences.

Standing up, she slid her jeans back up over her hips and shuffled out of the apartment. With no time machine at the ready, the least she could do was find some coffee.

The party had continued on well into the night, not that it had bothered her near comatose state any, but the aftermath was apparent all around her as she made her way back to the kitchen. Half naked women and liquored up men were passed out everywhere amidst beer bottles and cigarette butts. It smelled about as seedy as it looked.

Walking into the kitchen she fished around in the cleaner looking dishes for a mug when a voice from the corner almost had her jumping out of her skin.

"Good morning."

Looking over to where the voice had come from Tara had to fight the urge to shake her fist to the heavens at her shit luck. There were people on the earth that she would rather see less than Gemma Morrow, but there were not many. "Good morning."

Gemma looked over at her innocently, her eyes calm and sincere. "Thanks for saving the Irishman. He'd be dead if it wasn't for you."

"You're welcome."

Rising from the barstool she'd been occupying, she walked slowly toward Tara. It reminded her of watching a cat stalk it's prey. "Can I ask you a question?"

It took everything in her not to roll her eyes in exasperation. The woman was relentless. "I'm tired. I'm not really up for a fight."

Her face and voice adopted a veneer of such total innocence that anyone with less of a history with Gemma would have fallen for it in a second. "Oh, not a fight. I'm just trying to figure out what's going on. You and Jax are obviously reconnected."

Tara stopped any pretense of stirring her coffee and met Gemma's eyes. "Honestly? I don't know what we are."

It was the truth. Her feelings had been so chaotic since she'd come back that now, after everything that had happened, she couldn't seem to make heads or tails of the constant barrage she was feeling. Just thinking about him had her feeling loyalty, fear, gratitude and resentment, pain and love. The latter scared her more than all of the others combined.

Gemma's eyes bored into hers. "That's what concerns me. You're clearly not one of them."

Tara followed the older woman's gaze through the doorway and into the bar of the clubhouse at the scattered vista of tattooed bikers and crow eaters. "Glad that's clear."

Gemma brought her attention back to Tara. "So, what happens next?"

It was a question that she had asked herself and she felt it only fair she give Gemma the answer she'd come up with. "I don't know."

She could see that Tara was being honest, that she really had no clue what she was getting into and she pressed that uncertainty with all she had. "You become his old lady? What does that look like? Operating on kids during the day, patching up bullet wounds at night?"

Gemma always did know exactly what buttons to press and Tara wasn't surprised to find that it was a talent that grew only more annoying with the passage of time as she turned to leave the room and end the conversation. "Okay, I get it."

"I know you hate me."

Her words halted Tara in her tracks and Gemma walked toward her. It was true. She did hate her. She hated her for being so conniving and vindictive, but she hated her more for the fact that she loved her. Underneath all of it, Tara loved Gemma and it made her faults only more infuriating.

She knew she had Tara's attention, so she pressed on. "But this isn't me being some overbearing bitch. This is someone telling you the truth. You and Jax is a bad idea and someone better start thinking clearly before both of you get hurt."

Tara was too overwhelmed to hold the swell of emotion back any longer and a sob ripped up from her throat as she sat on the barstool Gemma had vacated only moments ago, the fight to keep her composure quickly being lost. "Well, it wouldn't be my first bad idea. Seems to follow me wherever I go."

If there was something that Tara didn't do easily, it was cry and Gemma knew that, softening slightly toward the girl but still pressed her message home. "You know, you are smarter and more strong willed than anyone I've ever met. You need to shine some of that on this thing with Jax. He's not smart enough right now to do what's right. You have to be the one to break this off. Save both of you from something bad."

She left the room and Tara fought the tears back down, sitting alone in a quiet clubhouse filled with people whose futures consisted of waking up to a little hair of the dog so they could go right back to ruining their livers a few hours from now.

Gemma was right. Isn't that why Tara had up and left ten years ago in the first place? She and Jax weren't on the same path, didn't have the same outlook on the future. On an intellectual level she'd known that taking his road instead of hers would only lead to ruin so she'd run, started her life over. In her head she'd known it was the right choice at the time and she knew that backing away was the right choice now. She knew that in her head.

Her heart, however, was an entirely different matter.


	20. Chapter 20

**The first 2000 or so words of this chapter were totally different and totally horrid. I finally dumped them all and completely rewrote it, thus the huge delay. Also, I have looked and looked and it appears that Tara's father's name was never established. One of my favorite SOA stories on this site (and there are several) is First by norrific so, as an homage to that brilliance, I am going to call him Rick as he's called in that story. So if you are reading this norrific, your story rocked and I can't really picture her dad named anything else but Rick because of you. I hope you don't mind.**

**Thank you all so much for hanging in there and continuing to enjoy the story.**

**1995**

The nerves came to electrical life deep within her belly, charging her entire system, the minute she pulled into the Teller Morrow lot and caught a glimpse of his unruly, blonde hair in the garage bay. Her lower back stung and ached, the feel of the plastic wrap sticking to it doing nothing to ease the discomfort. She saw him notice her just as she began to pull into a parking space, saw him begin his slow swagger in her direction and fought the urge to throw it in reverse and charge off for home.

Putting the car into park, she took a deep steadying breath but the nerves only seemed to feed off of it as worry began to gnaw around in her gut. What if she'd fucked up by doing this, somehow? What if there was some sort of tradition that she was supposed to observe before she spent her afternoon the way she just had? With Samcro, everything had a protocol. For a group that banded together under the premise of free living and the right to conduct their lives outside of the hand of authority, they sure did have a pretty big set of bylaws about shit. Instead of being a symbol of her commitment to him, her decision to choose him over any other type of future she could have, would the image now indelibly branded into her skin somehow make her look like a total ass?

The sound of him opening her car door made her jump, which only caused his smile at her appearance to go from bright to dazzling. "You a'ight?"

She chuckled lightly at herself as he stepped aside so that she could get out of the car. "Yeah, just lost in thought."

His smile continued to blaze as he wrapped his arms tightly around her midsection and hoisted her up. "It's the first day of summer babe. Thinkin time is done."

She managed to suppress the wince of pain that shot through her as his embrace pulled on her angry flesh long enough to return the enthusiastic kiss he planted on her lips after he set her back on her feet. It didn't take long for her to forget the discomfort entirely as he coaxed her mouth open, slipped his tongue seductively inside as they stood sheltered from prying eyes between the cars in the parking lot. She felt his hands come up, one to cup the back of her head and one to rest on her neck, his thumb running absently across her collarbone as he took his time with her mouth. Desire sparked within her, as it always did, which should have brought with it the feeling of calm and contentment that always came on the heels of being in his arms. But the nerves only increased, only ratcheted up another notch until she felt like she was going to dissolve into a pile on the ground if she didn't get it over with and see his reaction to what she'd done today.

Breaking the kiss, she pulled back and looked into his eyes, watching them go from content and carefree to confused and alert as she watched him read the anxiety in her own. "What's wrong?"

Taking his hand in hers she turned toward the clubhouse. "I have something to show you."

He followed her wordlessly, his heart rate kicking up speed at the quiet, almost timid sound of her voice. The words had come out with an almost fearful tone and for the life of him he had no idea what she could show him that would cause her to fear. Briefly the idea that she was about to whip out a pregnancy test fluttered through his mind but ever since they'd had a scare a few months back she'd gone on the pill.

It was friday night at the clubhouse, which meant that people were already starting to trickle in to ring in the weekend. Tara beelined it through the early revelers, ignoring the buzz of activity around them. By the time they reached the back apartment and walked inside her anxiety was so palpable that he could feel it, which only helped to make his own more pronounced with each second.

Closing the door behind them, he watched her as she walked to the center of the room and then stopped, facing away from him. It was dusk and the room was slowly filling with a soft orange light that danced through the natural red in her hair as he walked up behind her and ran his hands up her arms, placing a soft kiss to the back of her head. She could hear his slow intake of breath, knew he was smelling her hair the way he always did. A soft smile touched her lips at the knowledge that he thought she didn't know he did that and she wanted to kick herself for questioning how he might react. This was Jax. He wasn't suddenly going to get all squirmy and feel like she was being presumptuous for doing what she'd done without discussing it with him. Was he?

"What's up babe?"

Turning in his arms until she was facing him she put her hands softly on either side of his face and pinned his worried eyes with her own, willing him to understand what she was about to show him. To understand what it meant to her, why she'd done it. Today, after she'd left the guidance counselor's office, she'd genuinely felt like she had to make a choice. Like she'd been placed at a crossroads with those god damned test scores and she had to commit right away to the idea of leaving Charming as she had always planned or staying with Jax and the family she'd found with him.

She'd chosen Jax.

And now as she stared into his eyes, she knew she'd made the right choice. She just hoped he felt the same way.

"Tara, you're starting to freak me out."

Her gaze intensified and she knew it was now or never. If he told her she'd fucked up it would kill her, but there was no going back. "Tell me you love me."

Jax searched her face, his heart rate picking up a bit. "I love you."

Nodding slightly she led him to the bed and pushed his shoulders gently until he was seated at the end of it, looking up into her face. "I love you, Jackson."

With that, he watched as she turned slowly around in front of him and reached for the hem of her shirt. Total bewilderment spun through his mind at what was going on until she gently lifted her top to reveal heavy saran wrap taped to her skin with a film of balm underneath it, obscuring what he knew full well was new ink. Relief flooded him so forcefully he almost let out a crazed cackle. That was what all this melodrama was about?

"Holy shit Tara, you got a tattoo?"

When she continued to stand still in front of him he took the cue that he was supposed to do the unveiling. Completely unable to contain his grin he reached up and slowly began to pull at the saran wrap. She never stopped surprising him. They'd never talked about her wanting a tattoo, even during conversations about all of the tattoos he planned on getting. Leave it to Tara to make a decision like this below the radar. He wondered how long she'd been thinking about it as he carefully peeled the plastic loose and then his smile faded in time with the pounding of his heart.

She'd gotten a crow.

He stared at it, his mind reeling. The old ladies got this tattoo to show everyone that they belonged to a Son. It represented their allegiance to their men and to the club, the permanence of it showing anyone who saw it that they were spoken for. This wasn't a tattoo. It was a proclamation that she was his and his alone. Forever.

"Tara."

Her name came out of his mouth on a whisper and she tried to turn to face him, only to have him grasp her hips tighter to stop her. Without looking into his eyes she couldn't be sure what his reaction meant and her nervousness was giving way quickly to full blown panic. With each passing second that he said nothing, the stillness in the air grew more and more oppressive and she felt like she was going to be crushed by it.

He could tell she was nervous, understood why, but he was powerless to end her suspense for just a few more seconds. Did she know what this meant? Did she understand the full weight of this when she asked for it today? Was she nervous because she didn't know how he would react or was it because she realized that she'd made a mistake? His mind reeled with questions so he chose the one that mattered most to him at the moment.

"Why did you get this Tara?"

His voice was still a whisper as she felt his hands loosen on her hips, finally allowing her to turn and face him. His eyes burned up at hers from his seat on the edge of the bed with an intensity that she'd only seen a handful of times. Unfortunately, it didn't give away one way or the other how he felt about what he'd just seen. Either he was really happy, or really pissed but at the moment all she could see was that he felt strongly about it and she knew that the only way she was going to find out was to lay it all out on the line for him.

Taking a deep breath she put her hands on his shoulders. "I saw that the other women, the old ladies, have these. It's my last year of school, Jax. I wanted you to know that no matter what happens, I choose you." She dropped her hands from his shoulders along with her gaze, feeling so uncomfortably exposed and vulnerable that his burning gaze became too much as she finished. "You're a part of me. You always will be."

He and Tara had been together for just a few months shy of two years. They'd declared their love for each other, shared their hearts and bodies long ago. The intensity of all that had never stopped mystifying Jax, had never ceased to amaze him whenever he thought of it. He didn't know there were any more layers of passion, any higher levels of love and devotion that he could experience as a result of how powerful their coming together had been. But right now, at this moment, he was humbled by the realization of how wrong he'd been and fuck if he didn't care how much of a pussy the lump in the back of his throat made him.

Slowly he rose to his feet and placed his hands on her cheeks so he could tip her face up, could force her to look into his eyes. When she did she was almost shocked at the ferocious look she found there. "I love you Tara. I'll love you for the rest of my life."

Her knees dissolved into jelly from relief and joy as he took her mouth so passionately that she could tell he was keeping nothing from her, pouring his heart and soul into his response. She wrapped her arms around him and held on for dear life as he tore his mouth from hers only to rain kisses over her face, words of love pouring from his lips as he turned her around and laid her gently on the bed, taking care to be careful with her back.

His hands and mouth were everywhere, teasing her earlobe, brushing against her neck, her collarbone. His palm filled with her breast and she gasped, a small smile playing against her lips. "So, I take it you like it?"

Pulling her up so that she could sit, straddling him, on the bed he speared his hands into her hair and crushed his lips to hers, his words a soft murmur against her mouth. "Yeah, I like it. Fuck, I really like it Tara."

He took painstaking care to pull her shirt up and off, but the rest of their clothes were torn free from their bodies in seconds. He needed to claim her, needed to use his heart and his body and his soul to show her what her proclamation meant to him.

She started to lay back and winced slightly as the cheap comforter scratched her tender skin, prompting Jax to spin her until she was on her side and he was lying behind her. He nudged his leg between hers until he could get his positioning right and nearly let his eyes roll back into his head as he entered her from behind. They didn't do this position all that much and, at the moment, he had no idea why. He loved every inch of her body but as he looked down, watched his hips rock against that incredible ass he realized that they might have to pull this one out a bit more often. Especially now that he had a bird's eye view of a permanent fixture to her skin that told him how much she loved him by its mere presence.

God damn but that fucking crow turned him on, lit him on fire, in a way that he could never have predicted. It was a mark, a brand that proved she was his and the possessive, primitive instincts in his male nature flared to life as his thrusts grew deeper, primal. He watched as she grabbed fistfuls of sheet in her hands, heard her groan his name and it only made him thrust harder, his eyes zeroing in on the crow and refusing to leave it.

"Mine. You're mine." He ground out over and over as he stared at the tattoo, consumed with the fact that she'd marked herself as such. He filled her completely, sheathing himself to the hilt mercilessly until he felt her shudder, felt her close around him with a cry of release and he came with her, burying his face in the curve of her shoulder as a moan tore from his mouth. They lay stunned, trying to catch their breath for a moment as he ran his hand absently up and down the side of her body. The strength of his reaction shocked them both and he finally came to his senses just enough to realize that she was trying to turn over in his arms. He pulled back, separating from her just enough to allow her to wriggle around until she was facing him and then he pulled her close against him, loving as always the feel of her naked body flush with his own.

Placing a kiss to the end of her nose, he knew his face had the goofiest, sappiest, cheesiest smile on it but he had no ability to wipe it off. "I can't believe you did this."

Her smile matched his, with a slightly devilish glint. "Don't say I never gave you anything Teller."

He chuckled, his eyes glowing with sincerity. "I can't." He looked down for a second at her lips, composed what he was trying to say in his head, before looking back up and meeting her questioning gaze at his reply. "When my dad died, I felt like the world was over. Losing him and Thomas was too much to take. Then all that shit with Clay and my mom. I was lost, Tara."

The seriousness of his words, his eyes, mesmerized her and she went utterly still in his arms, hanging on every word. "You saved me. You were there with me through all of it and not a day goes by that I don't wonder what the fuck I did to deserve you. You don't ever have to worry that I'll say you never gave me anything. You've given me everything."

She pulled him close, running her fingers through his thick, blonde hair and felt her smile all the way to her soul. "All I have is yours Jackson. Always."

They lay together in the quiet, the enormity of the moment wrapped around them before a pounding at the door cut into it. Lifting his head in annoyance to look at the clock on the nightstand Jax was surprised to see that dusk had passed into evening. The party in the clubhouse was probably in full swing and they were due at a party of their own out at Macon woods.

Jax rolled his eyes. "Let's get out of here, Opie and Donna are probably wondering if we're dead by now anyway."

They got dressed and walked out of the room to see Tig standing in the hallway with a very skinny, very drunk croweater.

"Oh aren't you two just so cuuuute." He said and pinched Jax's cheek none to gently on his way past him. "Wear a rubber kids."

And with that he pulled the giggling croweater into the apartment and kicked the door shut behind them. Jax let out a frustrated sigh. "One more year. As soon as I patch in I'm gonna beat the fuck out of that guy."

Tara raised an eyebrow but said nothing as they made their way through the party that was already swinging into high gear toward the parking lot. She didn't know Mr. Trager very well but he seemed pretty scary. The idea of Jax fighting him wasn't a very pleasant one but she comforted herself with the knowledge that this was probably all talk.

Leaving her car at the shop, they took his bike to the end of the year party. As Tara held tightly to him, the smell of his prospect kutte filling her senses, she knew she'd never felt closer to him. She'd been committed to him from the moment they'd decided to make things official between them, but making the vow to basically be his old lady felt different. It was obvious that it had felt different to Jax too. More official. More permanent. A small tug, so small that it was almost imperceptible except to her subconscious, pulled at her heart where the tiny hopes of college and leaving Charming had been. But she was too immersed in the after glow of her choice and of his joy to pay it even a second's attention and then it was gone, buried back into the darkest recess of her mind.

They made it to the woods, the smell of the bonfire and the music like a familiar friend. When you lived in a tiny town, there were only so many ways you could throw a raging party and so the woods had become synonymous with all of Charming's youth as a place to drink, fuck and let loose.

As predicted, Donna and Opie were already there and the group lapsed quickly into comfortable conversation over beers and weed. Tara couldn't think of a better way to end the perfect day. Now that her choice was made, she was excited to get started down her path. She was all in.

Which felt a lot better in the flickering light of a bonfire with Jax by her side and weed coursing slowly through her system then it did in the harsh morning light the next day with a hangover and an empty bed keeping her company. She vaguely remembered Jax taking her home, putting her to bed and then something about him having to work in the morning. Trying to remember hurt her brain too much so she abandoned the effort. Sitting gingerly up she tried to remind herself that she'd gotten an A in Biology and that meant that the pounding in her head couldn't actually cause it to explode, but that knowledge still seemed merely theoretical. Perhaps medical science just hadn't encountered a hangover this bad before. Her mouth tasted like what she assumed a puddle of muddy rain water mixed with motor oil would taste like and the only thing breaking through her haze of pain and torture was the faint smell of coffee coming from the general direction of the kitchen.

Getting up she walked slowly toward her door, thankful that her dad was probably in the same boat, thusly the coffee brewing. She hoped against hope that some dry toast was on its way too, but knew that might be asking too much.

He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup in his hands when she came in. They looked at each other, nodding slightly in acknowledgment. If she hadn't felt so awful she would have found it mildly entertaining that they were meeting like this, him with his hair every direction and marks on his face from where he'd passed out on the couch. Her with puffy eyes from standing next to a fire all night and the tentative walk of a woman trying desperately not to move so quickly that her stomach finally gave up trying to keep its contents down.

The coffee sat warm and comforting in the carafe and she opened the cupboard above it, reaching for a mug on the highest shelf while failing to notice in her haze that her shirt had risen with her movement just enough to reveal her crow. Her father's eyes widened as he stared at the tattoo on her back and he set his mug slowly back down. "What's that?"

Tara turned to face him, mug in hand, with genuine confusion on her face. "What's what?"

"On your back."

Tara stared at her father, at a loss for what to tell him. She hadn't planned on not telling him about the tattoo, but she hadn't really planned on telling him about it either. He simply hadn't factored into her mind about it at all and now that she was staring into his face, his eyes stern and disappointed, she realized that she didn't care one way or the other what he thought about it. "It's a crow."

He looked down into his coffee and shook his head sadly, repeating her words so softly that had it not been so quiet in the kitchen she might not have heard him. "It's a crow."

They stayed where they were for a moment, the silence between them speaking volumes before he looked up at her with utter defeat in his eyes. "I really have lost you, haven't I?"

She didn't know what to say. She wanted to scream at him that he'd lost her a long time ago when he'd decided to nurse a bottle instead of parent her, but he looked so broken it would have been kicking him while he was down. It was clear that there was nothing for her to say that he didn't already know, which left nothing for her to do but stare at him.

Getting up, he walked over to stand in front of her. He'd been handsome once, tall and strong with dark hair and green eyes like hers. He'd been happy, a force all his own. But the man in front of her was a shadow of the one she'd known so many years ago in his wrinkled clothes from last night, his skin and eyes dull from years of drinking and the stench of alcohol working its way out of him. She wanted to slap him, to shake him until he snapped out of the delirium he'd stumbled into but the realization hit her that he wasn't the only one standing in this kitchen who'd lost someone.

"You're so much like your mother Tara. She was smart, just like you. She loved learning. I'd watch her reading, she'd get this soft smile on her face just like you do." Tara smiled despite herself, the idea that she and her mother shared something, even something so trivial, thrilling her. "But, you're like me too. You have a darkness Tara, just like me. I didn't have that spark, that optimism, you got from your mother that can fight the dark side. I didn't have a chance. You do. Please Tara, please don't let it take you down."

Anger bubbled up inside of her and she slammed her mug down on the counter. "I don't need your advice Dad and I don't need your concern." Storming toward her bedroom door she didn't even bother to turn around before hurling her final response back at him. "I'm nothing like you. I never will be."

She slammed the door behind her and fought back the urge to throw all of the shit on her makeup table across the room. Her dad was a self destructive, weak willed drunk with no grasp on reality and the last person in the world she wanted to be compared to. Crawling back into bed, she pulled the covers up. She'd stopped respecting what he said a long time ago, so it made no sense why she would give a shit that he'd spouted a bunch of hangover induced bullshit at her the minute he'd seen a tattoo on her back. But there, under the covers of her bed, she knew that she wasn't mad because he was wrong about her. He'd actually come way too fucking close to home and it shook her to the foundation.

The day bled into afternoon as Jax worked quietly on a custom job that had come in a few days before. They were redoing the entire bike and jobs like these were always rushed. As the prospect he'd never bitch about it out loud, but his mind was always a flurry of indignant bluster every time he had to work on a Saturday.

But not today. Today, it didn't matter if he had to slog shit and wipe asses, nothing was going to break through his good mood.

Yesterday was going to go down as one of the better moments of his life. It was funny how those designations were slowly all becoming Tara centric. Hell, even getting his bottom rocker involved her. But her decision to get his crow was some profound shit. In a way, it was like a marriage to him. She'd told him, told the world, that she was his forever just like she would have in a wedding vow. He was a kid, not even eighteen and that should have made him uneasy but it didn't. He couldn't explain why, it just didn't. On the contrary, it seemed to have affixed a permanent grin to his face that finally got on Opie's nerves enough for him to snap.

"What's that shit dude?"

Jax smiled up at him. "What? I can't be in a good mood?"

"You've been like this since last night, it's nauseating. Plus, we're working on a Saturday. Nobody walks around grinning like an asshole when they're working on a Saturday."

Jax chuckled and nodded his head. "They do if their girl got a crow yesterday."

Opie cocked an eyebrow at his brother. "Tara got a crow? Seriously?"

Jax nodded. "Surprised me with it last night."

Opie reached out for his hand and pulled him into a quick bro hug. "Okay, you have a pass to grin like a goofy bastard today."

Jax clapped him on the back and laughed. "Thanks bro."

No sooner had they gone back to working on the bike when a black Cutlass Supreme pulled into the lot and Jax did a double take as it drove up to the bay. He'd seen that car and before he could piece together in his mind that he'd seen it in Tara's garage, the driver got out to reveal her dad.

"Looks like you weren't the only one surprised by the crow." Opie murmured. Jax's eyes widened a bit as he walked toward Mr. Knowles, vaguely aware that some of the other guys had noticed him too and were watching the scene with barely concealed interest. Nothing would be funnier to them than watching the prospect get laid out by the father of his girlfriend. Nothing.

"Mr. Knowles?"

Tara's father stared at Jax like he was a line of ants on the kitchen counter. "Got a place we can go talk Mr. Teller?"

Jax did not love the sound of that but knew he had little choice in the matter. It was pretty clear from the look on the man's face that he came to talk and it would be far better for him to say whatever was on his mind in private as opposed to in front of a bunch of mechanics and bikers. "Sure, follow me."

He'd come at lunch, which was fortunate because that meant Gemma would be out for at least a few more minutes so Jax walked toward the office, Mr. Knowles following closely behind. Where Tara had forged a relationship with his family, Jax had mainly exchanged nods and insignificant small talk with Tara's dad over the last couple of years. Her household didn't have get togethers, didn't host big holiday gatherings or even do much for birthdays. The most Jax ever really thought about the man as he walked past him into the office was how to sneak into his daughter's bed without him noticing. Considering the fact that he was usually blind drunk by the time Jax came around, it wasn't all that hard to accomplish.

But as he closed the door he could see that the guy was stone sober and the hair on the back of his neck prickled. They stood in silence for a second, each regarding the other, before Jax spoke first to break the tension.

"Can I get you something? We have cokes and stuff in the bay if you'd like one."

"I don't plan on staying long."

Jax suppressed the urge to sigh in relief and instead decided to wait the man out. He'd clearly come by for a reason, there was no sense in prolonging it any further than absolutely necessary.

The older man gave one last searching look of Jax's face and then turned to look out of the blinds onto the lot, staring blankly at the bustle of the people doing business and the Sons milling around across the way on the patio to the clubhouse. "You've been hanging around my daughter for almost two years now, am I right?"

Jax cleared his throat. "Yes sir."

"I'm not a stupid man son. I was young once too and I have no misconceptions about the fact that you've obviously been sleeping together in that time."

Jax was equal parts annoyed and equal parts horrified at the sudden twist the conversation had taken. "Sir, I love your daughter. I would never do anything to disrespect her."

He turned back to face Jax at that, a smile on his face that belied zero humor. "Clever. You answer the question without answering the question. How very diplomatic of you."

Sitting down in the chair under the window, he crossed his legs nonchalantly as he continued to smile mirthlessly at Jax. "How very like John of you."

Jax lowered his brows in confusion but said nothing as Mr. Knowles continued. "I knew your dad, I was living here with Tara's mom when he rode into town and set up shop. I knew him when this was just a small town shop run by some guys who liked to drink and didn't like rules. I knew him when you were born, when your brother was born. And I knew him when things all started to change."

Standing up again he turned to look back out at the lot as Jax fought to keep his breath under control. He had no idea where he was going with this and he was mesmerized by his words. "Your dad and me, we're a part of a different generation kid. We had a war to fight and that made us less concerned about the future. Shit, I was so convinced that I was going to die in some slope jungle I never bothered to get an education. Your dad? He decided to live every day like it was borrowed time. Neither way is a solid long term plan."

Turning to look at Jax, he closed the distance between them and laid a shaky hand on his shoulder. He'd need a drink soon and the idea of how bad off the guy was made Jax sick. "You seem like a good enough kid. Spit right out of your dad's eye and you do seem to care about my daughter."

Jax nodded his head, meeting the older man's eyes and seeing a lifetime of sadness in them. "I do, sir."

Mr. Knowles dropped his hand. "Then let her go son. Tara, she's smart. She has a chance for the kind of future that you and I will never have. A real life. She won't listen to me, I've screwed up enough that I've lost her respect. Rightfully so." His gaze turned imploring and Jax couldn't help but feel some compassion for the sad, broken man in front of him. "She'll listen to you. Get her out of this town. Get her out before it swallows her future whole."

He turned to walk toward the door as Jax stood silently rooted to his spot in the middle of the office. He wanted to write the man's words off as the drunken ramblings of a sad father who knew his daughter had slipped away from him, but his breath held no trace of alcohol and the shakiness of his hands gave away his small moment of sobriety. These weren't the words of a drunken loser, but the words of a shattered father who had no idea what to do for his daughter. Jax felt both understanding and disgust for the man as he watched him reach for the door, stopping just before he turned the knob to look back at the boy who'd usurped his position as most important in Tara Knowles' life. "And if I could offer you a piece of advice while I'm at it son, go with her. Charming kills dreams. Kills hope. Leave with her while you've got the chance. Do what your dad failed to."

And with that he walked out of the office, leaving a cloud of confusion in his wake.

_Do what your dad failed to._

What the fuck was that supposed to mean? Walking over to the door, Jax peered out after him just in time to see him get back into the Cutlass he'd rode up in and drive away, pulling out of the lot just as Gemma was pulling back in. She parked her car and made her way toward the office, a confused look on her face as she walked toward Jax.

"Was that Tara's father?"

Jax nodded his head as his mother walked in and closed the door behind her, making her way back to her desk to set her purse down. "What did he want?"

"Told me to let Tara leave Charming after graduation so the town didn't kill all of her hopes and dreams."

Gemma pulled her sunglasses off and cocked her eyebrow at her son. "So it was a casual visit."

Jax chuckled lightly and shook his head. "Felt a little sorry for the guy. His hands were shaking the whole time."

Gemma nodded and took a seat behind her desk. "That would be the DTs. A little hair of the dog'll straighten him back out."

Jax nodded and then cocked his head at his mother. "He told me to get out while I could too. Told me to do what JT failed to do. Have any idea what the fuck that's supposed to mean?"

Gemma looked up at him, her eyes flashing an emotion so quickly that Jax couldn't decode it before it was gone. "Who knows? Guy like that, _he_ probably doesn't even know what it was supposed to mean."

Jax nodded and decided to let it go, smiling at his mom as he turned to leave the office. Her smile faded the second he left.

God Damn Rick Knowles.

She'd been so intent on pulling Tara close, on making her part of the family that Gemma hadn't given much thought to Tara's drunken daddy. How many times had she seen him stumble out of a bar when she'd been out with Clay or seen him loading up on whiskey to replenish his supply at the grocery store? It was apparent that Tara had been raising herself for years and now all of a sudden, at the zero hour, he wants to stand up and plant seeds where they don't belong?

She fought the panic down, told herself that she was being irrational. Tara loved Jax, of that Gemma had no doubt. Over the last few months she'd watched the girl grow more and more comfortable with the club, with the people that made their mismatched family and Gemma knew she could see herself among them. But a daughter's love for her father, no matter how bad of a father he was, ran deep. Suggestion from him could be a powerful thing, could get the wheels turning and fuck everything right up and as certain as Gemma was that Tara loved Jax, she was even more certain that Jax loved Tara. If she decided to listen, to leave Charming, she'd try to get him to leave with her and at this point the cards weren't stacked in the town's favor enough. He wasn't patched yet, had another whole year until that day came and teenage hormones raging through him to boot. She wasn't sure he'd be able to keep his birthright in mind if the choice had to be made between it and love.

_What JT failed to do._

What the fuck did Rick Knowles know? They'd barely known the man when John was alive, now he suddenly had some insight into a dead man's mindset?

Gemma got through the rest of her work in a haze, filing invoices and taking care of the general office maintenance that she always did on the last Saturday of the month. As the day grew on her worry grew. How could she have been so stupid? She'd gone to every possible length to draw Tara in, to take her under her wing while convincing Clay that Jax needed to patch early. Everything was falling exactly into place. She just hadn't factored in a card that had seemed like a non-issue. An oversight that could actually have just set wheels in motion that could topple her entire house.

She pulled into her driveway and was unsurprised to see Tara's car. Walking in, the house was quiet as she made her way to the kitchen, a view of the patio from the window showing Jax and Tara sitting on the swing outside. She stood looking at them as Clay walked into the room and wrapped his arms around her. "Hey baby."

Gemma turned her head to kiss him and then directed her attention back outside, watching as Tara stood up to grab another coke from a six-pack sitting on the patio. As she bent over to retrieve the drink Gemma's breath caught on an almost imperceptible gasp, drawing Clay's attention to her gaze and coaxing a chuckle out of him. "Looks like little girl got a crow."

Adrenaline surged through Gemma and she turned in Clay's arms. "She didn't get a crow baby. Not like the rest of us. She's seventeen Clay, what she got was Jax's mark. She's proving that she's loyal to him. She can't have any idea what it means to be loyal to the club. Not yet."

Clay pulled her closer and smiled down at her. "She's got plenty of time to figure it out Gem."

"Does she?"

Her fearful tone had him pulling back to look at her face and he saw the tension there. "You said it yourself, she's only seventeen. She's got plenty of time to find her place in all this."

Gemma shook her head. "We can't be so sure. Tara's a good girl, but she's a wild card. I see something in her, a restlessness. I always have. If she decides to split she'll drag Jax right out with her. We can't let that happen."

Turning in his arms again so that she could watch her son and the love of his life out the window her blood ran cold. He had his arm around her, pulling her close, as they rocked in the orange twilight. They looked like they'd been together for fifty years. There was no denying they had a bond that was stronger than most adult marriages she'd ever seen. Having Jax start prospecting last year hadn't been by accident, but as she watched them together now she feared with her whole being that it was too little, too late.

"You have to draw him in Clay."

"He's prospecting Gem, there's only so much more I can do with him. He'll be eighteen in a couple months and a few months after that, when his second year is up, the club'll vote him in. No special treatment."

Gemma leaned her head gently against his shoulder and stroked his arm with her long, perfectly manicured nails, causing gooseflesh to break out across his skin. When she spoke her voice was calm, soothing. "I know baby, no special treatment. I know you're putting him through all the right paces. But I know my boy too and if the club doesn't get some real ties in him I worry that he'll do some real Romeo and Juliet bullshit."

Turning again, she pressed her lips to his, pressing her body against him in an open invitation and feeling the thrill ripple through her when his grip on her tightened in response. Pulling back slightly, she murmured against his lips. "He needs an anchor. Something a little more tangible than mopping up puke and testing out merchandise to make him understand his place is here. At your side."

Clay gazed down at her, his eyes full of passion as he nibbled her bottom lip. "An anchor huh? Any ideas?"

Running her fingers through his hair she locked her eyes with his. "I think he needs to introduce someone to Mr. Mayhem."


End file.
